


The Virtues of Promiscuity

by Polkadotdotdot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All Aboard the Pain Train!, Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sexual Assault, Awkward Ben Solo, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Female Sexuality, Flip Zimmerman Cameo, Fluffy Moments, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, Love is messy, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Promiscuity, Reylo - Freeform, Sex, Sexual Tension, Smut, Stigmas, Therapy, Tinder, Vaginal Sex, commitment issues, fragile masculinity, mental health care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-03-05 23:31:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 87,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polkadotdotdot/pseuds/Polkadotdotdot
Summary: “Sorry. Damian. Yeah, so, this was fun but I’ve got to get going,” she smiled sweetly, “Things to do in the morning,”“Well, can I at least get your number?” he asked. She suppressed a sneer at the pathetic whine in his tone.Some men became so needy after they’d cum.“Listen, this was fun but I think we should leave it a one-night thing,” she said firmly, picking up her bag, “Thanks for the ride, Derek,”“Damian!”Not bothering to reply, she left the apartment and headed out, picking up her phone to order an Uber.As the relationship and sex columnist, Rey Jackson practices what she preaches, living her single life happily by her 'Golden Rules' for sleeping with guys and not getting attached.What's a party girl to do when she meets Ben Solo, someone her golden rules won't cover?Love is messy. Rey Jackson and Ben Solo are about to find out just how messy it can get...





	1. Those Golden Rules

**Author's Note:**

> I know. I KNOW. I said I was going to finish my WIPs then take a break, however, after hanging out with a friend last night and reliving some memories of our *ahem* party days, this idea came into my head and sod it, I'm going to explore it.
> 
> I have no outline. No plan. I'm writing with my gut on this one and I hope you enjoy. Obviously, with the subject matter, we're flipping the idea of player Ben and virgin Rey on its head. Trying to explore the ideas of societal expectations for women, fragile masculinity for men...all that stuff.
> 
> And smut. Lots and lots of smut.

“Fuck!”

 

The man under her cursed loudly, his fingers gripping into the soft swell of her hips as he came, his face contorting in pure pleasure.

 

She wished she shared his enthusiasm. The orgasm he’d managed to coax from her during their fumbled foreplay would do for the night but he wasn’t exactly skilled when it came to the art of female pleasure. Really, she’d have been better off calling it a night and heading home to her vibrator.

 

When she’d met him in the darkness of the Soho nightclub, he’d been all bravado. Brushing his hands through his sandy hair, offering her a cocksure smile and the promise that he’d make her see stars. Now it was the dead of night and she found herself not unsatisfied, but hardly legless. 

 

Carefully she climbed off him, the guy still catching his breath.

 

“Holy shit,” he gasped, “That was incredible,”

 

She said nothing, wandering to his bathroom stark naked to clean herself up, returning to dress. He pulled off the used condom, knotting it and throwing it to the floor.

 

“Wait, you’re leaving?” he asked, sitting up on his elbows, watching her pull on her dress.

 

“That’s the idea,” she shrugged nonchalantly, “But hey, this was fun…David…”

 

“Damian,”

 

“Sorry. Damian. Yeah, so, this was fun but I’ve got to get going,” she smiled sweetly, “Things to do in the morning,”

 

“Well, can I at least get your number?” he asked. She suppressed a sneer at the pathetic whine in his tone.

 

Some men became so needy after they’d cum.

 

“Listen, this was fun but I think we should leave it a one-night thing,” she said firmly, picking up her bag, “Thanks for the ride, Derek,”

 

“Damian!”

 

Not bothering to reply, she left the apartment and headed out, picking up her phone to order an Uber.

 

_ Golden rule number 4: Never stay the night _

 

00000

 

The New York sun was blinding as she wandered through Central Park, her shades only just taking the edge off the sting behind her tired eyes. A black coffee in one hand, she had no particular destination in mind, only that her best friend, Rose, had messaged her to hang out.

 

Apparently saying she’d only managed a few hours sleep wasn’t a good enough excuse to ignore the request.

 

“You  _ never _ get enough sleep,” Rose pointed out, clutching her latte, “Comes with the territory, girl! How was it last night? Did I miss anything?”

 

“Nah, nothing much. Out of the group, I think I was the only one who went home with someone,” she shrugged, sipping the bitter liquid.

 

“Was he any good?” Rose asked cheekily. Rey sighed.

 

“He was fine,”

 

“Uh-oh. Fine isn’t exactly a glowing report. Did he at least get you off?”

 

“Barely,” Rey smirked, “He’s not going to be a memorable notch on the bedpost, let’s put it that way,”

 

If anyone overheard the conversations Rey Jackson had with her closest friends, they’d possibly have been shocked. Those that knew her well, on the other hand, would not, although she was certain other judgments would spring to mind.

 

A commitment wasn’t something Rey was fond of. Commitment meant more than just agreeing to be with one person and only that one person. Commitment meant trust, sharing, opening up and that was something she knew from experience got you hurt.

 

As she grew from a gangly teen to a bright young woman, she’d quickly learned that contrary to the great romance novels she’d grown up reading, sex and love were not a package deal. When she moved to New York for college, all sparkly eyed and optimistic, she’d sought out love. She fell and fell hard with an infatuation for boys that spoke to her with honeyed words of devotion, only to find them gone when they’d gotten what they wanted.

 

It had bruised her at first, but by her second year of college, the lesson finally dawned on her that she could turn the tables. She’d rely on herself, she’d live her own life and take whatever she wanted.

 

If guys could hump and dump, so could she.

 

Her closest female friends, Rose, Kaydel and Jessika held similar values. 

 

“That’s a shame but there’s always tomorrow night right? Are you still coming with?”

 

“To what?” Rey asked, the pair taking a seat on a nearby bench. Rose rolled her eyes.

  
“To Poe’s party!” Rose reminded her, “He’s been going on about it for weeks,”

 

“I don’t know,” Rey grimaced, “Trying to hook up a friend's parties is a little awkward. We’re not teenagers anymore,”

 

Not that it didn’t happen. Their friend, Finn, was frequently seen flirting his way through their acquaintances, never one to miss an opportunity. Rey preferred the anonymity of bars and nightclubs, of knowing there was a slim chance of ever seeing her conquest again.

 

_ Golden rule number 17: Friends are off limits _

 

“Come on, you might not hook up but Poe wants us there. Something about his friend from college moving to the city. He wants him to meet people and get comfortable,”

 

“Oh yeah. What’s the guy’s name again? Brad?”

 

“Ben,” Rose said, “You’d think you’d be better at remembering names by now!”

 

“Haha,” Rey deadpanned, “Alright, fine, I will go. Honestly, I could probably do with a rest anyway. I have a clinic appointment,”

 

“Good call,” Rose agreed, “Still sticking to your golden rules then?”

 

She was.

 

Rey wasn’t stupid. Sex was fun, anonymous sex even better but that didn’t mean she wasn’t careful.

 

Her first golden rule was  _ always _ to use a condom. No condom, no penetration, no matter how much the guy protested that he was clean and healthy. This rule went hand in hand with her monthly check-up, knowing that she had a clean bill of health and wasn’t carrying anything unseemly or worse. Doubling up on protection was a priority, taking the contraceptive pill like a religion. 

 

Her other rules were just as strict. When she left a bar or a club, she always told the people she was with that she was leaving and more importantly, where she was going. She used kitestring to check in that she was safe, Rose to be her go-to contact and letting her friend know when she’d returned home from a tryst. 

 

Most importantly, she’d learned the signs. She’d learned to follow her gut instinct and if something didn’t feel right, if the vibes she was receiving were off, she simply didn’t leave with them. 

 

No hook up was worth the risk.

 

“Damn, what time is it?” She asked suddenly, Rose checking her watch.

 

“It’s one forty-five,”

 

“That’s the cue, I need to get back to the office. That column won’t write itself!”

 

“Knock ‘em dead, tiger!”

 

00000

 

She’d made it back into the office of Rebel Girl magazine with five minutes of her lunch break to spare, but that didn’t prevent an unwelcome body from standing at her desk.

 

Gwen Phasma stood, her hands on her hips and an unimpressed sneer on her face.

 

“You’re late,” she snapped. Rey suppressed an eye roll, removing her leather jacket to drape it over the back of her seat.

 

“I’m not, but it’s nice to know you’re keeping tabs,” she drawled, “Can I help you, Gwen?” 

 

“Amilyn wanted me to pass on these letters to you so you can get started on next month's advice page. Pick a good problem...answer it…”

 

“I  _ do _ know how my job works, thanks,” Rey said testily, taking the pile of letters from the woman’s hands.

 

Her lifestyle had become more than just her preference, but also her meal ticket. Having graduated from NYU in journalism, Rey had begun her career at Rebel Girl in the mailroom during college, slowing moving up to an unpaid internship then finally a copywriter. 

 

It wasn’t until she’d pitched the idea of becoming a sort of sexual agony aunt that her career had really taken off. Writing under a pseudonym, her monthly pages, and weekly blog involved answering the questions of frustrated ladies from all over the country.

 

“If someone writes in with a particular problem, you can bet there are hundreds, if not thousands of other women all over the world who feel the same!” she’d said, “We can show them that they’re not alone!”

 

Amilyn had agreed. Two years later and her column was a resounding success, much to the chagrin of people like Gwen Phasma.

 

“Another late night?” Gwen asked with an unkind smile. 

 

“Not that it’s any business of yours,” Rey replied, booting up her computer and avoiding the woman’s gaze.

 

“I’ll bet you can’t even remember this one's name,” Gwen mocked. 

 

Rey knew the whispers that went around. The names she was called, the rumors about where she’d been and what she’d done. Hell, half of them came from her own writing, her co-workers reading about her exploits. Some discussed it directly with her, living vicariously with interest. Others, like Gwen, viewed it all with disgust.

 

But she didn’t blame them. She blamed society.

 

“Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you thought for yourself for a change? Maybe viewed the world with an open mind?” Rey asked evenly. Gwen snorted.

 

“I view the world just fine, thank you,” she answered, her shoulders stiff, “You know, you’ll never meet a good man going out and partying every night,”

 

“Who said I want one?” Rey replied, “Some of us enjoy our bodies and our sexuality. You should try it sometime!”

 

It was a cheap shot and she knew it, but Rey was in no mood to play verbal tennis. Still, she was annoyed with herself for making the obvious barb. 

 

_ Golden rule number 27: A person's sexuality and activities are their own and not for you to judge _

 

Gwen stomped away from her desk, leaving her to sort through her mail.

 

Nothing was screaming out to her. The usual questions she’d covered what felt like a million times filtered through.

_ He wants me to do anal and I’m not sure… _

 

_ How can I relax my gag reflex… _

 

_ I’ve lost my orgasm… _

 

She yawned, her eyes scanning the pages until she settled on a letter that made her pause.

 

_ Dear Kira, _

 

_ For the longest time, I’ve been single. I meet guys on Tinder but it doesn’t go further than a one night stand and I’m fine with that, but none of my friends seem to be. They act like I’m hurting myself by sleeping around. They tell me I’m ‘ruining’ myself and nobody will want me? _ __  
_  
_ __ Are they right?

 

She read the letter multiple times, the uncertainty of the tone pulling at something in her chest. Pushing herself back from her desk with determination, she marched to her editor's office.

 

Knocking on the glass door, Amilyn called her inside.

 

“Rey! Come on, what can I do for you?” She smiled, pushing her stylish lavender hair from her face, “I trust Gwen gave you those letters,”

 

“She did. That’s actually why I’m here!” Rey said quickly, excitement bubbling in the pit of her stomach, “I read one that’s given me an idea and I think it’s a really good one!”

 

“Well, by all means please tell me,” Amilyn said curiously.

 

“I want to do a series on promiscuity,” she said. Amilyn nodded slowly.

 

“I see…”

 

“No, I mean, I want to write a series of essays on the  _ virtues _ of promiscuity! Amilyn, all over this country there are women who don’t want to settle into relationships but still want to explore their sexuality and their bodies but it’s  _ still _ such a taboo subject. Society tells us that we should be looking for a partner, we should be settling down and having babies but I want to show these girls that they’re not wrong...that in 2019 it’s perfectly alright to live life on their own terms and more importantly, I want to teach them how to do it safely!”

 

Amilyn was silent, her face thoughtful while Rey stood anxiously waiting for her verdict. Slowly, Amilyn smiled.

 

“This sounds very interesting, Rey,” She said, “But the angle of how to attract men has been done,”

 

“It’s  _ not _ about how to get guys! It’s about confidence, femininity and being in touch with female sexuality,” Another beat of silence passed.

 

“You know what, alright. We’ll give it a try,” Amilyn agreed, “Have a draft of the first article for me by next week,”

 

“Thank you Amilyn, I promise you won’t regret this!”

 

00000

 

She checked her ruby lipstick in her compact mirror one more time before leaving the cab.

 

It may have just been a casual affair at her friend's apartment, but for Rey, any excuse to dress up was taken. Clad in a tight, black playsuit, the shorts of the outfit skimming her behind, the only saving grace for her ass was the black opaque tights she’d decided to wear last minute. Smiling at her reflection, she paid the driver and left the car, teetering on her black Louboutin heels into the building to take the elevator to the top floor.

 

Poe had left college and immediately gone into the law business, joining a firm and quickly rising through the ranks to become a junior partner. The result was a rather flashy penthouse apartment in the Upper East Side that made her own place in Brooklyn Heights feel like a matchbox.

 

“Rey! You made it,” Poe smiled, opening the door to a party already in full swing, “Fashionably late as always,”

 

“Always,” she purred in response. Her relationship with Poe had always been easy, many people assuming they’d already done the deed, but really despite the chemistry, she felt nothing south of the border for the man. Besides, friends were off limits to her and he certainly fell into that category.

 

Once you’d seen someone throwing up after one too many joints in freshman year, it was hard to see them as the smooth, hot-shot lawyer they’d become.

 

“Can I get you a drink?” He asked, Rey, following him to the kitchen, nodding her greeting to friends and acquaintances alike.

 

“Please,” she smiled, accepting the glass of white wine from him, “How’s the practice going?”

 

“Ah, same old,” he sighed, “Lot’s of arguing and nobody agreeing, but that’s just business law for you. How're things at the magazine?”

“Good actually, I just pitched a new column and my editor has decided to give it a shot!” she smiled, savoring the sweet taste of the cool wine. Rose appeared from the other side of the living room to join in their conversation.

 

“Do tell,”

 

“I’m going to be teaching women about the benefits of promiscuity,” she said proudly. Poe snorted.

 

“Man, I remember the days when girls used to get their hearts broken and all they’d do is eat ice-cream and watch sad movies,” he said, “Now they get makeovers, go to the gym and ruin men’s lives,”

 

“How sad for you,” Rose said sarcastically, “I think it sounds great, Rey!”

 

“You would!”

 

“It’s not just about sleeping around,” Rey defended, “It’s about confidence, living your truth and most importantly, how to go about things  _ safely _ !”

 

“Those golden rules,” Rose agreed, lifting her glass to toast. Rey clinked her glass.

 

“God bless the golden rules,”

 

“Uhuh, well I can’t wait to read it,” Poe said sincerely, the doorbell ringing in the background, “Excuse me I have to get that,” He said, leaving Rose and Rey alone.

 

“So, I know that one of those rules of yours covers not sleeping with friends but I think you might make an exception,” Rose smiled wickedly. Turning them so they could see into the large open plan living room, “Two o’clock. Next to the bookshelf,”

 

Rey followed her friend's gaze, her eyes settling on the man Rose intended. He was tall, standing at least six foot three if she had to guess. Long, dark hair hung around his face, in contrast to beautifully pale skin, matched by a smattering of dark facial hair. A deep brow, aquiline nose, and soft jaw met full lips, set off by beauty marks and deep, brown eyes.

 

Rey cleared her throat.

 

“Oh my, who is that?”

 

“ _ That _ is Ben,” Rose confirmed, “Poe’s old friend from college. The one he hoped to socialize tonight,”

 

“I’ll get him socialized alright!” Rey sniggered, sipping her wine. Whatever he was talking about, he looked serious, listening intently to Armitage Hux, another of their friends who worked alongside Poe. Rose laughed with her.

 

“Look at that, two targets standing right next to each other,” Rose quipped, “It’s a shame we don’t have a giant net…”

 

“Oh no, I’ve seen those looks. Who are you two planning on bagging tonight? I thought you didn’t pull at private parties?” They turned to see Finn striding towards them, his own drink in hand and a very interested look on his face. Rose nodded to Hux and Ben. “Ah, I see. Fresh meat for Rey and a return to the buffet for you?”

 

“Gross,” Rose scoffed, “You shouldn’t talk about them like that,” 

 

“Why not, that’s how you girls treat them!” Finn laughed, “Besides, I don’t think Ben is going to be the easiest conquest,”

 

“And why not?” Rey asked indignantly. It wasn’t that she was conceited, but more often than not, her batting average was rather successful and if she set her sights on someone, they tended to be in bed by the end of an evening.

 

“Hey now, don’t get all bent out of shape. He’s a nice guy, a little shy, a little serious. You might be a bit much for him,”

 

“A bit much?” Rey exclaimed, “I can be whatever he wants me to be for a night,” she smiled playfully. Finn rolled his eyes.

 

“Uhuh. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” He shrugged, “By all means, take your shot,”

 

Rey straightened, standing tall and proud. Fixing a charming smile to her painted lips, she sashayed her way into the living room.

 

_ Golden rule 31: Own the room _


	2. So, You Want To Be A Slut?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rey can be a little full on. She’s a party girl,” Poe explained, “Not a bad person! I really need to stress that, she’s one of the best people I know. Love her to death, but yeah, she’s kind of like a cat,”
> 
> “A cat?”
> 
> “Yeah, you know. Fiercely independent, you kinda just need to let her do her own thing and hope she comes back when she’s hungry,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments so far, I hope you guys stick around for this experiment of mine!

She could feel the eyes in the room on her.

 

Even if people weren’t openly staring, pupils flicked in her direction for a second look. She fought a satisfied smile. Her high heels elongated her slender legs, propping up her peachy behind for all to see. 

 

Her efforts were rewarded when the two men she was approaching looked her up and down. One with an appreciative eye, the other with something akin to nerves.

 

“Rey, nice of you to make it,” Hux smiled, “Running late from the office?” 

 

“Something like that,” she crooned, flashing her hazel eyes through her dark lashes and turning to Ben, “Hi I’m Rey, nice to meet you,”

 

“Ben Solo, nice to meet you,” he replied curtly. Her smile didn’t falter despite his defensive manner. Hadn’t Finn already warned her he wasn’t going to be the easiest to charm?

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation. I’m just making the rounds, saying hi,” she said sweetly, hoping a contrite reply would soften his demeanor. Instead, he watched her warily.

 

“Not at all!” Hux insisted, “We were just catching up on work stuff. Nothing important!” 

 

“Poe mentioned you and him were friends in college!” Rey smiled at Ben, “Did you study law as well?”

 

“I did,” he said kindly, finally relaxing a little in her presence, “How do you know Poe?”

 

“We have a mutual friend, Finn. I believe you’ve met him?”

 

“Yeah, I spoke to him for a bit. He seems cool,”

 

She sipped her wine, taking him in up close. If she’d thought him handsome from across the room, standing in front of him made her heart palpate. Without her heels he was easily a full head taller than her, his hands around his whiskey glass large. Her mouth began to dry thinking of all the things she wanted those hands to do to her.

 

She sipped her wine again.

 

But he was still so standoffish, regarding her as if she were a puzzle or an annoyance, she couldn’t tell which, but he wasn’t the first tough nut she’d needed to crack, and she was sure the presence of Hux wasn’t helping things.

 

“Rey, I don’t know if Finn mentioned but a few of us are thinking of heading out for a few around ten. Are you game?”

 

_ Perfect  _

 

“Absolutely!” She purred, “Nothing I like more than a nightcap,” her words were punctuated with a pout of her full lips and a flutter of her lashes in Ben’s direction, noticing with some satisfaction that his jaw clenched.

 

Good or bad, at least it was a reaction. Perhaps getting him into a bar would relax him a little more. 

 

_ Golden rule number 18: Location location location _

 

00000

 

He’d clocked her the moment she’d walked into the apartment, all long legs, red lips, and sharp eyeliner. She was beautiful, striking even. Entering the place with a confidence he’d rarely encountered outside of the courtroom. 

 

Law, he knew.

 

Women, not so much.

 

“Who is that?” He asked Hux, the redheaded man following his gaze.

 

“Ah, that’s Rey Jackson. She’s a mutual friend through Poe,” he explained, a strange smile on his face, like he was laughing at a joke only he knew, “She’s a live one!”

 

“How so?”

 

“By day, a mild-mannered journalist for Rebel Girl magazine. By night? Absolute wildcat!” he sniggered. Ben nodded slowly, unsure if he really wanted any further clarification. 

 

Moments later, said girl was walking towards them, her eyes like crosshairs he felt caught in. 

 

“Absolutely, Nothing I like more than a nightcap,” she’d said. Her voice was like honey, a sweet temptation to lure people in and if that didn’t work, her captivating hazel eyes large with a false innocence would be there as a second snare.

 

It was nice of Poe really to host a party purely for his benefit so he could meet new people and network but somehow he’d found himself roped into going to a bar, something he was never that comfortable with.

 

Social interactions weren’t Ben Solo’s strong suit.

 

From a young age, he found other people difficult to be around. As a child, his great loves were playing the piano and calligraphy, two things his father made sure to constantly point out were ‘soft’ activities.

 

“Why are you letting him play with those stupid bits of paper?” Han, his Father would moan to his mother Leia, acting as if he wasn’t in the room to hear, “Real boys should be outside playing football, getting dirty! Not playing with that sissy shit,”

 

‘Real’ boys.

 

It was no wonder he’d had so little confidence growing up. Insecure children became insecure teenagers. In high school, he’d been the ‘weird’ kid, the loner. It wasn’t until college when he’d been forced to room with Poe Dameron did he really feel like he’d made a friend.

 

Poe was everything he hadn’t been. Confident, charming, outgoing. Rather than brush Ben off as just another weirdo not worth his time, Poe had always gone out of his way to include him. He’d never once laughed at his interests in literature or writing or his awkwardness around girls. 

 

His affection for his friend still didn’t mean he wanted to go to a bar, but here he was, walking with a small crowd towards some overpriced gin joint.

 

Every so often he caught her looking at him. She wasn’t staring, he could tell she was far too poised for that. Every look felt calculated like she was trying to draw him in. They all stepped inside, Poe and Ben taking a seat while others went to the bar.

 

“I see you met Rey then?” Poe said, “Glad to see she didn’t scare you off!”

 

“Why would she?” Ben asked, watching her and Rose at the bar. 

 

“Rey can be a little full on. She’s a party girl,” Poe explained, “Not a bad person! I really need to stress that, she’s one of the best people I know. Love her to death, but yeah, she’s kind of like a cat,”

 

“A cat?”

 

“Yeah, you know. Fiercely independent, you kinda just need to let her do her own thing and hope she comes back when she’s hungry,”

 

“Ah,” 

 

At the bar, Rey was accepting a drink from a stranger. She was offering the man an easy smile, batting her lashes. Rose leaned towards her ear.

 

“I think you’d already marked Ben?” She asked. Rey sighed.

 

“I mean, that’s the idea but Finn might be right. Ben could be a longer game. Doesn’t hurt to have a backup?” She winked, Rose giggling in response. 

 

_ Golden rule number 21: Keep your options open. If a connection happens, it happens.  _

 

They returned to the table, Rey sliding into the booth next to Ben, placing a drink in front of him.

“Not really your thing, huh?” She said kindly. 

 

“I’m not really a bar kind of guy,” Ben admitted, taking a sip of the amber liquid she’d given him, trying to relax.

 

“What kind of guy are you?” She asked, pressing herself ever so slightly against him. His body tensed.

 

How hard was it to hold a light-hearted conversation? He wished he had Poe’s easy manner, the same he’d envied in college. He took a large gulp of his drink, knowing she expected a witty response. 

 

“So, Ben, how's the new place working out?” Finn asked on the other side of the table, offering him a reprieve from the potential embarrassment. 

 

As he answered, explaining to Finn something about the need for some new flooring, Rey signed under her breath, eyeing Rose across the table. Her friend shot her an understanding nod.

 

It wasn’t happening with Ben. Not tonight at any rate.

 

Finishing her drink, the men still talking around the table, she gestured for Rose to come with her to the bar. 

 

“How’s it going with tall, dark and handsome?” Rose asked, leaning on the bar for the bartender's attention. Rey shook her head.

 

“It’s not,” She sighed, “But you know, maybe that’s for the best. I won’t be breaking my rules,”

 

“He’s technically not a friend yet. He’s a friend of a friend,” Rose pointed out.

 

“Nevertheless, I said I was just going to chill tonight and that’s what I’ll do,” she smiled, her friend ordering another Old Fashioned for her. 

 

“There’s that other dude, he keeps looking over here!” Rose said, gesturing towards the man who’d bought her a drink earlier. Rey glanced over.

 

He was certainly good looking. His opening line hadn’t been staged or cheesy, his overall body language confident but relaxed and in the short time she’d been talking to him, he hadn’t given her any warning signs or red flags.

 

But really when she did some soul searching, she just wasn’t feeling it.

 

“You know what, I think I’ll just leave it alone. Tonight is for friends. I’m not on the hunt,” She smiled.

 

“I’ll drink to that!” Rose agreed, toasting with her own glass. Wrapping her arm around her friend, they made their way back to the booth.

 

_ Golden rule number 8: Listen to your body _

 

00000

 

**_The Virtues of Promiscuity_ ** ****_  
_ **_By Kira_ ** ****_  
_ ****_  
_ **_So you want to be a slut?_ ** ****_  
_ **_  
_ ** ****_If you recoiled at that sentence, I can’t blame you. It’s never been a more exciting, terrifying or confusing time to be a woman._

 

**_We are told that we must be sexy at all times but not too sexy. That we must be educated but not too educated. That we must be independent but only in a way that isn’t threatening to those who need to feel needed._ **

 

**_We are being told we are not in control of our own bodies._ **

 

**_Ladies, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live your own life, to explore your sexuality unattached and I’m here to help you do that in a safe, informed way._ **

 

**_Every week I’ll be telling you my experiences, the pitfalls to avoid and my own golden rules for enjoying the ride._ **

 

**_Starting with removing the negativity surrounding the word “slut”..._ **

 

Rey stood anxiously in front of Amilyn’s desk, watching the woman’s eyes move across the draft she had sent, awaiting the final verdict. The older woman gave nothing away, her poker face completely intact until she leaned back in her seat, a slow smile creeping over her face.

 

“I like it,”

 

“Really?” Rey exhaled, “Thank you!”

 

“I do. I think it’s honest and it will speak to a lot of women. It’s actually got me excited for where you’re going to take this,” she said, “I think we can get this printed in the next issue. Will you be able to keep up the weekly letter replies as well for the website?”

 

“Yes! Absolutely,” Rey agreed happily, “I can totally do that!”

 

“That’s great! Well, I’ll let you get on with it. Keep me up to date with any new developments, maybe send me a rundown of the themes you’ll be planning to cover, just so we’ve got a plan in place!”

 

“I’ll get right on it,” Rey beamed, “Thank you again Amilyn!” she called, closing the office door behind her, practically skipping back to her desk, almost running straight into Gwen.

 

“I take it your little whore how-to is getting published?” She sneered, a stack of back issues clutched to the chest of her pristine white suit. Rey smiled smugly.

 

“As a matter of fact, it is,” She said, “But it’s not a ‘whore how-to’, it’s a guide for women to live on their own terms!”

 

“Call it whatever you want, I still think it’s disgusting,” Gwen snapped, storming away from the smaller girl without a second look. Kaydel at her desk shook her head.

 

“Ignore her,” She said, “You know it all just comes from jealousy anyway. I can’t imagine what it’s like being  _ that _ insecure!”

 

Rey agreed. For all she wanted to curse the taller woman out, her more empathetic side wondered if there was something else to it all. She shrugged it off, returning to her desk to do exactly as Amilyn had asked.

 

Her phone rang.

 

“Rey, you’re actually at your desk for once!” She heard Poe down the other end of the receiver, leaning back in her swinging chair to take the call.

 

“I’m actually at my desk more often than you are!” She replied, “What can I do for you?”

 

“I happen to be in your neck of the woods and wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee on your lunch break?”

 

“You know, coffee sounds great actually and I am owed a little time back,”

 

“Awesome. I’ll meet you in say...15 minutes?”

 

Sitting up in her chair, she checked her reflection in the darkened screen of her computer.

 

“Make mine a double shot,”

 

_ Golden rule number 19: When in doubt, caffeine  _

 

00000

 

The sun was splitting the sky when she made it to the park, finding Poe already sitting nearby the Alice in Wonderland statue with a cup of dark roast ready and waiting.

 

“Well, you did order something dark and smooth,” he grinned, Rey rolling her eyes when she accepted the cup.

 

“Lame,” she quipped, “So what brings you to my neck of the woods?”

 

“Not much. I had a meeting a few blocks away and I thought I’d take some time back and visit my favorite socialite” he winked, “Did you enjoy the party?”

 

“I did,” she said honestly, “It was nice to catch up with people…”

 

“You mean, catch up in a place you can actually hear people talk?” He pointed out, “Those clubs and bars you guys end up in are only good for one thing,”

 

“As if you’re complaining. You’ve taken someone home more than once!” she said, deeply inhaling the strong aroma of her coffee. 

 

“Be that as it may, a change of pace is nice, no? I noticed you didn’t go home with anyone,”

 

“I didn’t want to,” she said honestly, “I’m not just going to jump into bed with someone for the sake of ticking a box. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t, that’s cool too,”

 

“It just so happens that more often than not, you pull,” he smirked. Rey shrugged.

 

“I like sex. Sue me, lawyer man!” she laughed, Poe smiling along with her.

 

“Hey, come on now, same boat. You know me, but sooner or later, you’ll have to settle down, Rey,” 

 

“Why? Why do people always say that? I’m not even near thirty yet,” she said, “I have my whole life to  _ settle down _ . I’m having fun,”

 

“Alright, alright,” He replied defensively, holding up his hand, “I get it. Sorry. You know I don’t care what you do provided you’re being safe and there’s no emotional manipulation going on,”

 

“Yeah, I know,” she smiled, leaning her head on her friend’s shoulder. For all Poe could be a smart ass and he loved to make fun of her, she knew she was always on the correct side of his laughter and it was done with good spirit. 

 

Hell, he was one of her emergency Kitestring contacts, always wanting to know that she was home safely and more than once, he’d been the person to come and collect her from unknown parts of town.

 

“So, did Ben have a good time?”

 

“Oh no…”

 

“No, what?”

 

“Don’t set your sights on Ben,” he warned. 

 

“I haven’t!” Rey lied, “I honestly just wanted to know if he enjoyed himself. He seems nice,”

 

“He  _ is _ nice,” Poe said firmly, “Ben is a great guy, but he’s not...equipped to deal with the likes of you,”

 

“And just what is  _ that _ supposed to mean?!” Rey scowled. Poe scratched his stubble awkwardly. 

 

“Look, he’s not like a lot of the guys you’ve hung out with okay? He’s...kinda reserved,” he explained carefully, “What I’m saying is...don’t  _ hunt _ him. Just be his friend alright? Be the Rey that I know and love. That’s what he needs,”

 

“Bad break-up or something?” she asked with interest, sipping at her coffee. 

 

“Something like that, I guess. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s just never really been that confident with girls. I can promise you, the way you sauntered up to him all heels and lipstick, it probably scared the crap out of him!”

 

She chewed the white lid of the cup sheepishly. Maybe she had come on a little strong. Truthfully, she wasn’t used to guys having any other reaction than a positive one to how she dressed for nights out but remembering how startled he looked, perhaps Poe had a point.

 

If she wanted this one, upfront glamazon wasn’t the way to go.

 

“Fair enough,” she muttered, “But I would like to get to know him better. He was so...closed off,”

 

“Again, probably because you terrified him! Not to mention, he was meeting a whole group of new people. Maybe not my best choice throwing him a party, but I thought ripping off the band-aid might be the best way,” he sighed, “I’m sure with a smaller group, a quieter setting, he’ll ease up a little,”

 

“If you say so,” Rey said, “Besides, it’s not like I have any problems in that department anyway,” 

 

“Exactly,” Poe laughed, “By the time you’ve caught another one, you won’t even be thinking about Ben!”

 

Rey sipped back her coffee, enjoying the way the sunlight reflected in the nearby water, the statue of Alice shining proudly. It brought a sense of serenity to the city, something she sorely needed in her day to day life.

 

Poe was right. Ben was just another guy and if he wasn’t interested, she’d find someone else who was.

 

_ Golden rule number 12: You’re not going to be everyone’s type.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those interested: Kitestring is an app that you can set when you're heading out, say walking home alone at night, and after a certain amount of time (that you can set) it will check in with you. If you don't reply to it, the system sends a message out to your set emergency contacts with a custom message to tell them to get in contact with you. It relies on in-action if you have an emergency. Well worth it, ladies!


	3. Second Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladies,
> 
>  
> 
> I’ll level with you. These golden rules of mine? They aren’t in any particular order but that doesn’t make them any less important.
> 
>  
> 
> Number 1? Protection! Sexual health is one of the most important aspects of sexual single life. It shows respect for your partners and more importantly, respect for yourself and your body. If he doesn’t want to wrap it, believe me, girl, he is not the one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A further thank you to everyone who is reading this one. I know turning the ol’ Trope around isn’t to everyone’s tastes but I appreciate all your comments ❤️

**_Ladies,_ **

 

**_I’ll level with you. These golden rules of mine? They aren’t in any particular order but that doesn’t make them any less important._ **

 

**_Number 1? Protection! Sexual health is one of the most important aspects of sexual single life. It shows respect for your partners and more importantly, respect for yourself and your body. If he doesn’t want to wrap it, believe me, girl, he is not the one._ **

 

**_Better to go home and grab some fresh batteries...at least you’ll know where your own equipment has been!_ **

 

The marker on her word document flashed in front of her eyes, Rey leaning back in her chair to read her work so far. 

 

If there was anything she wanted to get across it was how important safety was. New York was a big city, and while it sounded jaded, people weren’t always who they said they were. From being ‘clean’ south of the waistband to their intentions, it paid to err on the side of caution.

 

As she’d planned out her articles it began to dawn on her just how large a project she’d committed to. There was so much she had to share, from body confidence to bedroom antics, it all fell under her liberal lifestyle umbrella.

 

Her phone rang, offering her a welcome reprieve from her work.

 

“Rey Jackson speaking,”

 

“Hey!” Rose greeted, “How is my best friend in the whole world?”

 

“What do you want?” She drawled evenly, “You’re laying it on thick already,”

 

“So suspicious,” Rose chuckled, “I just wanted to see if you were up for an evening. I heard there’s this great little place in Hell's Kitchen. I could get us on the guest list?”

 

“I don’t know, what’s it like? Anyone else we know going?” She asked uncertainly, twirling a pen absently in her fingers, the phone jammed between her ear and shoulder. 

 

“Well not yet but I’m sure we could convince Finn and Jessika. Maybe Poe and his friend Ben? Then you’d have another chance at him!”

 

“Yeah I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Rey said, “Poe said he’s not exactly the open for business type and I’m not going to hunt down the poor guy if he isn’t willing to be caught,”

 

“Really? But I thought you were dead set?”

 

“Well, that was ‘white wine and whiskey’ me. ‘Sober, cold light of day’ me isn’t a stalker or a sociopath. Besides, it’s not like I don’t have options!”

 

“I guess,” Rose sighed down the line, thoroughly unconvinced, “Suppose that means he falls under the ‘no friends’ rule after all,”

 

“I suppose he does,” Rey said, the call waiting sound beeping on the line, “Rose, can I call you back? I’ve got someone on the other line,”

 

“Fine, be like that,” she teased, “Let me know about that guest list spot!”

 

“Will do. Later,” she pressed the button on the handset to switch lines, “Rey Jackson,”

 

“Hello sunshine!”

 

“Poe, to what do I owe the pleasure?” She smiled, swinging on her chair.

 

“Just a quick call, I’ve got an invite for you,”

 

“Two in one day, I am popular!” She laughed, “Rose just asked me to a night on the town,”

 

“To that club in Hell’s Kitchen? Yeah, I got her message too. I might go, but this is a little...slower,”

 

“Hit me with it,”

 

“Ever been to a painting party?”

 

“A...what?” She asked, her brow furrowing as she sat forward, dropping the pen she’d been fidgeting with.

 

“A painting party. Group of friends helping decorate an apartment. Pizza, beer and all that jazz,”

 

“Who’s apartment?” She enquired although she already had a fair idea, a small smile forming on her lips.

 

“Ben’s. He’s still got a bunch of stuff to do to it and I said I’d help him out. It’s not just painting, there’s furniture to build too,”

 

“Sounds wild…”

 

“Look, I know you’d probably rather head out but I thought I’d ask anyway…” he began. 

 

“No, it sounds like fun. I’d love to help out,” she said honestly, “and I’d like to get to know Ben better,”

 

“Rey, remember what we talked about?” Poe warned. Rey snorted with annoyance. 

 

“Um, you invited me? Don’t worry. I’m not going to try and take advantage of your cinnamon roll friend. He’s not been given ‘the black spot’ or anything,” she teased, hearing Poe laugh on the other end.

 

“Alright. I’ll forward you the details,” 

 

They said their goodbyes, Rey putting down the phone to thoughtfully stare at her screen again but her article wasn’t in her thoughts. Tapping her now retrieved pen off the table.

 

Picking up her cell, she quickly typed up a message.

 

_ <Rey> Hell’s Kitchen? I’ll make you a deal ;) _

 

00000

 

“I can’t believe you convinced me to do this,” Rose grumbled, a grocery bag of snacks in her arms.

 

Entering the elevator, Rey pressed the button to the floor Poe has told her Ben’s new apartment was on.

 

“Oh you can't believe I convinced you to spend a nice evening with your friends?” Rey teased. 

 

“It’s a  _ decorating _ party!” Rose hissed, “That is not the kind of party I am all about!”

 

“What’s the problem? You’ll get pizza, you’ll get beer and all you have to do is grab a few paint brushes!” Rey said, “Besides, Finn will be there…”

 

Rose shrugged, feigning nonchalance that didn’t convince Rey in the slightest. Rose spoke to a good game, she played an even better one when they hit the town, but deep down Rey knew that something was brewing.

 

“So?” Rose said defensively, Rey not bothering to reply as the elevator chimed and the doors slid open.

 

They made their way down the elegantly decorated hallway, the first sign that Ben’s apartment wasn’t exactly budget. Rose was still grumbling when they knocked on the door.

 

When it opened they were met with Ben’s slightly startled face. A small but genuine smile appeared, but taking in Rey’s appearance his brows were heading towards his hairline.

 

“Rey, Rose, Hi!” He said, “Come on in,”

 

“We brought snacks!” Rose declared, jostling the bag as he stepped aside to let them in. Rey smiled cheerily at him.

 

“Beautiful building. You’re lucky to get an apartment here, these get snapped up quick!” She said, following him to the sizeable kitchen, all dark granite worktops and mahogany tinted wood. 

 

Rose immediately grabbed a bottle of bud light, leaving them alone as she sought out the others in the living room. Rey began to unpack their offering.

 

“You won’t be saying that when you see the living room. I’ve got a feeling that’s  _ why  _ it was available,” he said, “It needs a lot more work than the agent let on,”

 

“Well, that’s what we’re here for,” she smiled. 

 

Ben watched her curiously, like she was something to be studied, a puzzle to be worked out. Rey stopped, feeling his dark gaze on her.

 

“Are...you alright?”

 

“Yeah, Sorry!” He apologised quickly, realising just how rude he was being, “It’s just...you look so different from the last time we met,”

 

He wasn’t wrong. The first time he’d laid eyes on her she’d been dressed to kill. Heels, skin tight black playsuit, blood red lips. It was a far cry from how she’d dressed for this occasion.

 

She looked down at herself. A pair of dark blue skinny jeans met a black fitted tee, topped off with a pair of rather well used red chuck taylors. Her makeup was little more than some light tinted moisturizer, a slick of mascara and some lip balm. 

 

“Well, it was a party. I was dressed for a party,” she shrugged, “How much decorating am I going to get done in a designer cocktail gown?”

 

“I guess I just...sorry, I don’t know what I expected when Poe said you were coming tonight,” he mumbled, suddenly very interested in the groceries she’d brought.

 

“What exactly did Poe tell you?”

 

She wasn’t accusing him of anything, and that disarmed him further. If anything, the way she was smiling, it was as if she’d been told a private joke.

 

“He, uh...well he…”

 

“Let me guess? Poe told you I’m a party girl? That I sleep with guys but don’t lock them down?”

 

“Yeah, something like that…” he said contritely.

 

He expected angry, indignation. Instead she giggled. Honest to God giggled and it only served to throw him further.

 

“That sounds about right. At least he was polite about it, I’ve been called worse,” she laughed, “But my, let’s call it social life, doesn’t affect my ability to hold a paintbrush. Or make new friends,”

 

“I didn’t mean to offend you,”

 

“You haven’t,” she assured him, “But you can’t tell me that you didn’t make assumptions about me based on how I looked and what you were told? Of course you did, it’s natural,” 

 

He flinched, her words an uncomfortable truth because he had done just that. Watching how she flirted at the bar had only cemented what Poe had told him and he’d have been lying if he said he didn’t think the worst.

 

“But, hey, it’s cool. Don’t stress about it. Now, show me where this furniture is that needs assembling. I’m sure you’ve gathered I’m pretty good with my hands,”

 

Dumbfounded, he pointed in the vague direction of the living room, barely feeling the pat she gave his shoulder as she brushed past him in a cloud of jasmine perfume.

 

00000

He’d paid attention to her most of the evening but tried to remain subtle, busying himself with other tasks but keeping his ears open for her voice.

 

As it turned out, her joke about being good with her hands had been more than words. Within the space of a few hours, while Poe, Hux and Rose painted parts of the walls, Rey and Finn had put together two end tables, a coffee table, and a full dining set. Ben has spent time replacing some of the older floorboards.

 

Mainly he listened, occasionally offering an input when the conversation granted it. She discussed the state of American politics with Poe and Finn, reminiscing with Rose about the pressure of college finals and how she didn’t envy students with the mounting issue of college debt.

 

“I mean, finishing college with a degree is now like starting a race but the starting pistol is shooting you in the leg!” She’d laughed.

 

Everything she said was eloquent, intelligent and it filled him with an impending shame that he’d made a snap decision about her based on Hux and Poe’s words.

 

But it wasn’t  _ just _ their words, and that made him feel worse. What had she said? It was natural. People made presumptions about others all the time based on gossip and rumours. Ben was no better. 

 

By the end of the night, exhausted and smelling of paint fumes despite opening the windows, the apartment looked almost new. The group had lazed around, enjoying the fruits of their labor with a final beer. Rey was the first to move, picking up empty bottles and taking them to the kitchen. Ben quickly followed.

 

“Thank you for your help tonight,” he said sincerely. Rey finished pouring the bottle remains down the the sink, smiling back at him.

 

“You’re welcome. I actually enjoyed it, I like building things,” she said, throwing the bottles in the recycling. 

 

“And I want to apologise…”

 

“For?”

 

“I listened to Poe, I made an assumption about you and that was wrong of me,” he said bashfully, awkwardly shoving his hand through his long hair to push it from his face, “I really don’t think that about you. I think you’re a great person,”

 

“So, a girl can’t be a little promiscuous and be a great person?” She asked, crossing her arms.

 

Ben paled, his dark eyes wide as he began to protest.

 

“Fuck, no, that’s not what I mea-“  he hadn’t finished his sentence when she began to laugh.

 

“I’m just fucking with you! Really Ben, calm down!” She giggled, “But thank you. If it helps, I think you’re a great person too, and if you’re ever looking for a buddy to hang out with if Poe’s not around, call me. I’m always down for whatever!”

 

She stood on her toes, wrapping her arms around his neck, offering a friendly hug. His body tensed only for a moment, relaxing and returning the action. Her slender frame felt small in comparison, her skin warm against his, a strange twinge taking hold of his chest.

 

When she pulled back she was shaking her head.

 

“And he didn’t even take the opening for the obvious joke,” she said with mock disappointment, “We’ll work on that,”

 

He had no idea what she meant by ‘work on that’ but the way she was smiling, he decided not to dwell.

 

00000

 

Rey wiggled her toes experimentally, checking each one was free to move in the confines of her black patent heels. Movement was important. Movement meant she could potentially make it to the end of the night without walking flat footed through a lobby.

 

_ Golden rule number 20: Comfort is just as important as style _

 

Selecting her earrings for the evening, Rey took her reflection in, satisfied that she was looking her best in a black and gold mini dress, her hair pulled into a half-up ponytail. 

 

Attaching the rose gold hoops, her thoughts drifted past the night ahead Rose had promised her and to the new territory of Ben Solo.

 

She regularly laughed off jokes made by her friends, they were never malicious, but she found herself strangely relieved that he didn’t think badly of her. Odd, considering he was little more than a stranger, their budding friendship still in its infancy. 

 

But she liked him. He was intelligent, kind in his shy awkwardness, only speaking when he had something to say. He wasn’t one to fill silence for no reason. Considering the men she’d known, it was something she appreciated. Ben was the kind of person she wanted to know.

 

Yes, he was incredibly good looking, but she’d told herself that friends were off limits. Ben was her friend. New, but a friend nonetheless.

 

Checking her appearance one last time, she grabbed her clutch bag, heading out into her Brooklyn street to hail a cab. 10:45 pm. She was to meet Rose outside the entrance to the club, Starkiller, she vaguely remembered the name being mentioned.

 

Climbing into the cab, her phone buzzed.

 

_ <Ben> I just wanted to thank you again for the other night. I really appreciate it. _

 

Rey smiled at the screen, a strange flutter she hadn’t experienced in years settling in her stomach.

 

_ <Rey> You’re more than welcome :) A little late to be sending messages that aren’t booty calls don’t you think? ;) _

 

_ <Ben> Sorry, did I wake you? I’m kind of a night owl. I just assumed you’d still be up _

 

_ <Rey>  You assumed right. I’m in a cab heading out to a club. I know it’s not your thing, but you’re more than welcome to join? _

 

His answer was not unexpected.

 

_ <Ben> I’ll pass but thanks for asking :) Have a good night x _

 

Rey bit her lip to hide her giddy smile, shoving her phone in her bag when the cab arrived at its destination. When she climbed out, she was met by Rose dressed in a curve hugging denim catsuit, her hair pulled into a high ponytail paired with killer eyeliner and dark burgundy lipstick.

 

“Finally!” she cried, “You know your fashionable lateness isn’t cute?”

 

“Relax, I’m five minutes late!” Rey said flippantly. 

 

“I had to fight tooth and nail to get us on this list and...why are you smiling like that?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like a giggling school girl that just got asked to prom?” she snorted, “Come on, get your game face on. There are some  _ very _ eligible men in there!” 

 

“It  _ is _ possible to go out and not go home with a man, you know?” Rey teased. Rose gasped.

 

“Rey Jackson, wash your mouth out with vodka! Speaking of, let's get inside. My body needs a martini…”

 

She had to give it to Rose, for all she wasn’t usually bothered by special treatment, the feeling of strutting past the long entry line to the front and having the bouncer open the velvet rope for them did make her smile.

 

The club was dark, stylised lighting only illuminating certain areas while leaving shadowed corners for darker deeds. They were lead to their own private booth, a bottle of champagne already on ice for them.

 

“Alright, this is pretty damn nice,” Rey grinned, Rose immediately lunging for the bottle to pop the cork.

 

“Working in publicity does have its perks!” Rose said smugly, pouring them both a glass, “So, seriously, what had you smiling like that. I need details!”

 

“Nothing…”

  
“Rey…”

 

“Alright fine!” She snapped, sipping her champagne, “Ben was messaging me in the cab on the way over,” 

 

Rose stopped her glass mid-sip.

 

“Ben...Solo? As in, Poe’s friend Ben?” she clarified, “Oh my God…”

 

“No, before you start, it’s not like that. He was just thanking me for helping the other night,” She explained, “I invited him tonight actually but he said no,”

 

“Well  _ I  _ didn’t get a thank you message. You must be special,” Rose teased, “And if he’d joined us tonight don’t you think that would have hindered your ability to take one of these fine specimens home?”

 

“I wouldn’t have minded,” Rey shrugged, Rose almost choking on her drink.

 

“That is totally not true!” 

 

“Yes it is! Come on, you know me. I  _ do _ have standards. I’m fussy enough about my shoes, let alone what dick I want to get off on,”

 

Rose lifted her glass, toasting her friend with a wicked smile.

 

“How true!” she laughed, “Speaking of, let’s do a lap and see what’s on offer,”

 

Rey downed her champagne, following her friend from the booth.

 

A bottle down and a few cocktails later, they had successfully scoped the place. Her buzz was fresh, making her feel light and relaxed but still very much in control of herself. That was the way she planned to stay as she danced to the beat of the music. 

 

What would it have been like if Ben had said yes to her invitation? Would he had been overwhelmed by the noise, irritated by the lights? She wondered if she’d have been able to convince him to join her on the dance floor, to coax him out of his shy shell. 

 

As she moved she felt someone brush her waist. Turning to face the stranger, she saw a pleasing smile, chiseled jaw covered with a layer of dark stubble and brown eyes. 

 

He wasn’t Ben. He was shorter, his eyes too light with a distinct lack of dimples but an injection of confidence. She smiled back.

 

“Hey, I’m Mark, can I buy you a drink?”

 

Rey nodded.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any weird errors. I’m updating this on my phone as my internet is down just now (Thanks Virgin Media...) 
> 
> Shall fix any glaring errors when I’m back on a desktop!


	4. The Buddy Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You called him buddy?! Christ, why didn’t you just write ‘friend zone’ on a post-it and stick it to his forehead!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is reading this one and especially commenting! I know this won't be one of my more popular stories, the subject and setting aren't for everyone but I'm quickly becoming very attached to it so I'm thrilled that people are into it so far <3 You guys are awesome!
> 
> It's all light-hearted for now, but I have a bit more of a plan and an outline on where this is going so PLEASE keep an eye on the tags and I'll leave a note before a chapter if there's anything triggering.
> 
> Pleased to say as well that I've passed 4 out of my 5 major finals with only 1 more to sit in a few weeks time. So I have some breathing room to write a bit more and not stress out so much. Thank you for the encourgagement, ya'll keep me going!

His mouth was hot and heavy on hers, one of her arms slung around his neck while the other kept a firm hold of her clutch bag.

 

_ Golden Rule number 14: Hold onto your belongings _

 

She’d told Rose she was leaving, the girl giggling at a target of her own. As per her rules, she forwarded on the address to both Rose and Finn as a backup, ensured that they got into a licensed cab and now she found herself pressed against his apartment door, his lips mauling hers while he fiddled with the key in the lock.

 

The door gave way, the lock clicking open as she giggled, both losing their balance and stumbling into his hallway. To an outsider, they looked like a young couple in love. Rey knew better. There were no feelings involved, nothing more than the pounding of dopamine through her veins, the sweet serotonin mixing with adrenaline and the lingering alcohol in her blood.

 

And that was enough.

 

Kicking off her shoes, she stripped as quickly as he did, his erection springing free from the confines of his jeans. He whistled in appreciation of her naked body.

 

“Fuck, baby, you are so hot,” he growled as she grabbed him by the shoulders to throw him onto the mattress. She knew what she wanted. While he was good looking, she wasn’t about to take the chance that he didn’t know what he was doing. At least on top, she could control her own pleasure.

 

Straddling him, she reached for his nightstand, the man groaning as her damp slit ground against him.

 

“Condoms?” she asked quickly. 

 

“Uh, I don’t know if I have any…” he said. Rey stopped, giving him a withering look.

 

“Sure about that?”

 

“Yeah, I think I used the last of them. Don’t worry baby, we don’t need one,”

 

“Uhuh,” She climbed off him, grabbing her bag and pulling out a fresh trojan, “Lucky for you I always have some on me,” she announced, striding back to the bed with the foil packet in her hand.

 

“I kinda hate how they feel,” he moaned, Rey not missing the disappointment in his face. She opened the packet.

 

“Well I hate STIs and no offense dude, but I’ve only known you a few hours. You want me?” she purred climbing back onto his lap. He nodded enthusiastically, “Then wrap up,”

 

She left him no room to protest, sucking a breath between his teeth as her hands wrapped around his cock, slowly rolling the condom on for him, safe in the knowledge that she’d done it herself and done it right.

 

_ Golden rule number 6: If you want something done, do it yourself _

 

Bracing herself on his chest, she sunk onto him with a moan, her nails digging into his skin while he gripped her hips. The stretch was exactly what her stressed out hormones had been craving, rolling her hips to give herself the relief that she wanted so badly.

 

_ He better last… _

 

It was hard to tell if he was skilled or not. Frankly, she didn’t want to give him the chance to show off his bedroom talents. She wanted to ride him through the bedsprings until her body was sated and he looked far too spaced to focus on anything other than lay there and enjoy himself.

 

“Oh my God, fuck, your pussy is so tight,” he groaned, “I’m so close baby…”

 

A hand left his chest, Rey licking her fingers to circle her own clit since it was painfully evident that he wasn’t about to do it for her, and if there was a race for who would erupt first, she was definitely losing.

 

But she knew herself well, what she liked, what worked. Leaning back, but keeping the same wavelike motion with her body, she felt a heat pool in her belly, finally spilling over with a loud moan. He stuttered below, crying out his own obscenities as his spend filled the condom.

 

She laughed lazily, dismounting in a haze on shaky legs enjoying every minute of her post orgasm high. 

 

“That was incredible,” he mumbled sitting up on the bed, watching her slowly grab her things, “Do you want a drink? A cup of coffee even for the road?”

 

Rey smiled at him sincerely. At least with this one, there was no awkward, post-coital conversation about seeing each other again. She’d made it clear what the situation was, he was only too happy about it.

 

But still, it was rare to meet something akin to a gentleman. Even if he had been reluctant to wear a condom.

 

“No, thank you. I’m going to get going,” she smiled, pulling on her dress, “But this was fun!”

 

“Do you need money for a cab? I don’t mind!”

 

“You are so sweet, but I’m good,” she said waving her phone, “Got an Uber on the way already,”

 

“Well, I had fun hanging out with you, Rey,” he smiled proudly, pulling himself from the bed and pulling on his discarded jeans.

 

He walked her to the door, kissing her goodbye before she left.

 

Heels in her hand, she left the apartment sated, her body having been given its fix of endorphins for the time being.

 

00000

 

**_So you’ve met a guy, he seems cool and there’s a connection._ **

 

**_But what are the red flags?_ **

 

**_As much as we want to think everyone is genuine and wonderful, let’s be realistic. In today’s world, safety goes beyond regular gyno appointments and birth control. The statistics are scary and I’m here to help you tap into your instincts._ **

 

**_Use your head, not your heart._ **

 

**_Before you leave with him, let your friends meet him. Let them see his face and get a good look. This isn’t just about showing off your catch, ladies! Your friends want what’s best for you and if you’re all heart eyes for some slick accountant from the Upper East Side, they can give you a reality check._ **

 

**_If you’re going back to his place, is he happy for you to tell your friends where you’re going? If not, why? This is a definite red flag that you should be questioning. It’s important to let your tribe know where you are if you’re about to be separated._ **

 

**_Always take a licensed cab. Oh, he brought his own car? You’re handing him control to take you wherever he wants. Getting in a licensed cab means you get to make sure the address is the same one you’ve told your friends, and the driver is there as an added layer of security._ **

 

“Hey Rey, you got a sec?”

 

Rey looked up from her computer, smiling widely at the dark-haired woman next to her desk. Jessika Pava had been one of the first friendly faces Rey had encountered at the magazine, the pair hitting it off immediately. While she was frequent of their group, Jessika wasn’t quite as liberal as Rey or Rose, happier to try and find long term relationships.

 

“Hey Jess, what can I do for you?” 

 

“I heard I missed quite a night on Saturday?” She said. Rey nodded.

 

“You weren’t the only one,” she replied, “It ended up just Rose and me!”

 

“Ah, so it turned into a hunting expedition,” the girl laughed, “Maybe its best I didn’t go!”

 

“I dunno, lots of hot guys there. You could have met ‘the one’,” Jessika shook her head, wrinkling her nose.

 

“At a nightclub in Hell’s Kitchen? Doubtful!” She laughed, “Anyway, I have something for you,”

 

“Is it coffee?”

 

“Better. I was given some Broadway tickets as a thank you from the Palace theatre for my piece on costuming in the arts but I can’t use them, so I wondered if you wanted them?”

 

“What’s the show? Do I know it?” Rey asked with interest. Going to the theatre was something she enjoyed and did far too little. 

 

“Hamilton,” Jessika grinned, “Amazing seats too! Right up front,”

 

“Holy shit! Yes, I will totally take them. Thank you so much! I don’t know how I’ll repay you for them,”

 

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Jessika winked, “I’ll forward you the e-tickets. Hope you have someone to go with!”

 

She did and it almost startled her how quickly the name came to mind. 

 

_ <Rey> Am I to believe that you’ve been in New York for at least a few weeks and you’ve not been to Broadway yet? _

 

His reply was almost instant, three little dots appearing on her screen. She smiled to herself, leaning back and bouncing in her desk chair.

 

_ <Ben> I’m afraid the rumors are true. Does this mean I’m about to be shunned from the city? I hope not...I’ve just unpacked… _

 

Her open laughter was far louder than intended, snorting lightly under her breath in a manner she’d have been mortified for any of her friends to hear. When was the last time she’d done that?! He was charming via text, his humor dry and sarcastic. Something that she told herself didn’t matter in the slightest.

 

_ <Rey> I think I have a solution before the lynch mob comes for you. I just got two free tickets for Friday night, fancy joining me? _

 

Her smile dropped as soon as she’d sent the message. Re-reading her words, she realized she’d just asked a very handsome man with a dry sense of humor out on a Friday night. Date night. Quickly, she typed a follow-up message before he could reply.

 

_ <Rey> It’s cool if you’re busy. Just thought you’d be interested, buddy. _

 

“Buddy?” she groaned to herself, “Jesus fucking Christ...he’s going to think I’ve hit my damn head!”

 

_ <Ben> I’d love to. I’ve not really been out much yet. I’ve not had the time. Looking forward to it, pal ;) _

 

“Sarcastic fucker,” 

 

00000

 

It wasn’t a date.

 

They’d arranged to meet at a bar close to the theatre, a quiet cocktail place that she’d stumbled across a few years ago. She knew he’d like it. It was fairly hidden from the beaten track down a side street. A place you could go to enjoy a quiet, civilized drink without the noise of crowds or having the conversation drowned out by loud music. They’d have a pre-theatre drink before heading to the show.

 

But it still wasn’t a date.

 

_ Golden rule number 28: Set clear, defined boundaries _

 

But if it wasn’t a date, why did she feel nervous? Standing in front of her wardrobe, Rose sitting casually on her bed behind her, her stomach continued to churn.

 

“You called him  _ buddy _ ?!” 

 

“I panicked alright?” Rey snapped, pulling out a pair of black skinny jeans, “I just...I didn’t want him to think I was asking him out,”

 

“Christ, why didn’t you just write ‘friend zone’ on a post-it and stick it to his forehead!” She laughed, “But you did…ask him out I mean…”

 

“As a friend!” she exclaimed, “Friends do things like this together all the time!” Rose smiled back at her, thoroughly unconvinced.

 

“Uhuh. Here’s a mad thought, but hear me out, what if it was a date? Would that be so bad?” Rose asked as Rey changed into her chosen outfit, grumbling under the cashmere of her sweater.

 

“You know I don’t do that…”

 

“But what if you did? Would going on a  _ date  _ date with Ben be so bad?” Rose continued, “You already said you’d want to sleep with him,”

 

“Sleeping with someone once casually is not dating. Two completely different things,” she said, “Even being fuck buddies is too close for comfort,”

 

“Because you might actually start to like him?” Rose pointed out gently.

 

“Can we drop it, please?” Rey snapped, her face softening instantly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you…”

 

“It’s alright. I didn’t mean to push it,” she smiled, “You know I just want you happy right?”

 

“I  _ am _ happy,” Rey insisted, “Besides, Ben is a close friend of Poe’s. I’d hate to complicate things,”

 

“I guess,” Rose said skeptically, jumping off the bed and grabbing her bag, “Well, whatever it is, have a good time! Try not to scar the poor boy for life. I have a date with a bubble bath and a bottle of wine!”

 

“Not hitting the town tonight?” Rey asked curiously. Rose smirked.

 

“How can I? My partner in crime has a date,”

 

“Get out you incorrigible little troll!”

 

00000 

 

Rey loved The Baby Grand bar. Off the beaten track, it was a relaxed place that allowed for quiet conversations. 

 

Walking in, however, she cringed. Dimmed lighting, soothing piano, and velvet furnishings screamed romance. It wasn’t the impression she wanted to give.

 

But Ben would like it. Wasn’t that why she chose it in the first place?

 

Mercifully, he was perched on a stool at the bar rather than one of the cozy looking booths for two. Before he spotted her, she allowed herself the luxury of taking him all in.

 

Nursing a drink, he was dressed simply in a black shirt over a white tee, dark blue jeans and a pair of black Dr. Marten boots. Feeling her eyes on him in the sparsely populated bar, he turned, smiling sincerely.

 

“You started without me!” She said, shaking out of her stupor and nodding towards his drink, taking the seat next to him.

 

“Apparently you have a reputation for being late. Couldn’t take the chance,” he teased, “What’ll it be?”

 

“Old Fashioned please,” she instructed the bartender, “It’s alright I’ve got this,” she pulled some bills from her purse. Ben chuckled under his breath.

 

“Wow, definitely not a date then,”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked somewhat defensively, wondering why she was getting uptight when she’d only been insisting it wasn’t a date for the past few days.

 

“Won’t let me pay for a drink, calling me  _ buddy _ ,”

 

“Oh God,” Rey groaned, “I...I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you getting the wrong idea and I didn’t want to just be like ‘by the way, not a date’ and...for some reason my stupid brain thought that was the way to go…”

 

“Hey, it’s alright  _ pal _ ,” he laughed, “Relax. I know it’s not a date. Friends  _ can _ hang out with friends,”

 

“That’s what I said to Rose!” Her drink was placed in front of her and she handed her dollars to the bartender, instructing him to keep a few as a tip.

 

“But, I’ll need to at least get you something for this. Hamilton tickets?”

 

“You’re not letting me go alone,” she smiled, raising her glass, “That’s payment enough!”

 

“Come on, I’m sure you could easily have got a date for a Friday night,” he commented, sipping his whiskey. Rey shook her head.

 

“I don’t date,” she shrugged, savoring the sweetness of her own drink. Ben eyed her curiously.

 

“Like, at all? I thought you hooked up?”

 

“I do,” she said, “But getting with someone you meet on a night out isn’t the same as actually going on a date with someone. Dating multiple people at the same time, forming connections like that, feels dishonest. At least I’m always upfront about my intentions,”

 

“I suppose you are,” he murmured, “So you’ve never met anyone that you wanted to spend more time with,”

 

“Golden rule, don’t get attached and you can’t get hurt,” she smiled proudly, but Ben looked at her with something akin to sadness.

 

“Ain’t that the truth,” he said, “As long as you’re happy, I guess,”

 

“I am,” she insisted a little too quickly, taking a large gulp of her cocktail, “But anyway, my dating habits aren’t important so how about a lighter topic. Where are you from? What’s your family like?”

 

Seeing how his facial expression contorted into a pained twist, his shoulders stiffening, Rey realized that family was, in fact, not the lighter change of tone she’d been aiming for.

 

“I’m from Stanford, Connecticut,” he said shortly, gazing ahead at the bar gantry, “My Mom is a retired politician and my Dad passed away a few years ago,”

 

“I’m sorry,” Rey replied quietly. Ben shrugged, forcing a tight smile.

 

“Don’t be. He was an asshole,” he grunted, “and I’m not exactly the kind of son he wanted,”

 

“I’m sure that’s not-”

 

“It is,” Ben cut her off, “He told me as much growing up. He was a typical guy’s guy. Into fast cars, planes, sports and me? Well, I’m sure you’ve gathered that’s not really my thing. We butted heads about everything,”

 

Rey remained silent, letting him speak. On the first impression, she hadn’t been sure what to make of Ben. She wasn’t one to judge a book by its cover but she supposed anyone looking at him might have made certain assumptions. Tall, broad, handsome. It could have been easy to assume what he was like.

 

It only took a few sentences from him to deduce that he was far more than a masculine stereotype.

 

“That sucks,” she said honestly, “What about your Mom, do you talk to her?” He shook his head.

 

“Not really,” he sighed, “Parents, they fuck you up and don’t even have the decency to stick around and watch you deal with the heap of personality disorders they’ve imposed!” he laughed bitterly. 

 

“I wouldn’t know,” he drained his glass, giving her an odd look.

 

“Meaning?”

 

“I don’t know who my real parents are,” she explained, “I was left on some police station stairs as a baby and adopted when I was five,”

 

“Shit...I’m so sor-”

 

“You don’t need to say sorry,” she smiled, “It’s fine. My foster parents, Jyn and Cassian are great. I love them to death,”

 

He smiled, all dimples and amusement that baffled her considering the topics of their conversation.

 

“You know, if this is the kind of talk you hit people with, no wonder you don’t go on dates,” he winked, “You’ll be driving guys to therapy in no time!”

 

“Oi!” she hit him on the shoulder lightly, joining in his laughter while relieved her unfortunate subject change hadn’t soured his mood for the night, “I’ll have you know I can be very charming,”

 

“Of that, I have no doubt,” he agreed. 

 

His smile held her mesmerized, that uncomfortable twisting in her stomach causing heat to rise on her cheeks. Her control was slipping and she bashfully looked away to her glass, finishing her drink and clearing her throat.

 

“We should go. Curtain up soon!” she said quickly. He agreed with her, standing to follow her out of the bar.

 

Fresh air would help.

 

_ Golden rule number 1.2: Know when you’re in danger of falling _


	5. Not-Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, some of you have such great theories on how this is all going to play out. I love it!
> 
> Today, I've decided to leave a note in the grand tradition of Fanfiction.net circa 2000:
> 
> "Thnx so much guys! Plz R&R - NO FLAMES LOL!"

Jessika hadn’t exaggerated when she’d said the seats were good.

 

They sat in the middle of the third row, close enough to see the emotions from the actors but without the obstruction of being so close to the orchestra pit.

 

“Please don’t judge me if I cry!” She’d told him as they sat down. 

 

“I promise I’ll only laugh at you a little bit,” he’d teased. She’d hoped by now her stomach would have settled, but still, the fluttering continued. 

 

The show was every bit as amazing as expected, but for Rey, her attention was divided. The old theatre seats forced close proximity, his body so near she could feel the heat he radiated. His cologne had hints of spice, wood, bourbon and she fought the urge to ask him what it was.   

 

What the hell was her body doing to her? She was supposed to be in control, at one with her hormones. In the dark of the theatre, she found herself leaning into him, her hand twitching to reach for his so much she bunched it into a fist. 

 

“Are you okay?” He whispered as she flexed her fingers.

 

“Yeah, totally fine,” she lied, “Just a cramp,”

 

When the show ended, Ben checked the time.

 

“I’m hungry. Are you hungry?” He asked as they shuffled from the theatre, the street filling with people. Rey smiled, admitting to herself that she wasn’t quite ready to end their night.

 

“I could eat!” She agreed. Ben smiled widely, his dimples visible under his facial hair.

 

“Great! I’ve heard the pancakes are pretty good in this town,” 

 

New York wasn’t a city that slept. Even late into the night, the streets were buzzing with life. They walked together, eventually settling on a diner near Central Park. 

 

It wasn’t a glamorous place, a run-down fluorescent space with booths that had seen better days but the smell of frying foods and coffee was nirvana for the senses. They slid into a booth, both scanning the menu.

 

“I’m curious,” he began, “Tell me about these golden rules of yours. You seem to have a lot of them,”

 

“They aren’t in any particular order,” she smiled, “they’re just some things I try to stick to that have made my life a bit smoother,”

 

“Go on then,” he prompted, the pair pausing to order their late night snack that consisted of two stacks of chocolate chip pancakes and a side of bacon.

 

“The main ones are really just common sense. Always use protection, tell your friends who you’re with and where you’re going, don’t stay the night…”

 

“Don’t stay the night?”

 

“I think it sends mixed messages,” she explained, their food being presented to them, “Staying the night means an awkward morning after…”

 

“And God forbid the guy tries to take you to breakfast,” Ben teased, a playful smirk on his face, “Seriously, you’re an intelligent, beautiful woman. You could have anyone you want,” he finished quietly, his eyes falling to his food. 

 

Beneath his dark hair, she could see just a hint of an ear burning pink. 

 

“Thank you,” she replied softly, “but it’s not about that. Look, I used to have this pet rabbit and he always used to chew the wires around the house. One day, he chewed the wrong wire and got shocked. Do you know what happened? He never chewed wires again!”

 

“Are you comparing yourself to a rabbit?”

 

“If the shoe fits,” she winked, “But seriously, once bitten twice shy. I’ve been hurt before and funnily enough, I didn’t enjoy it. So, I choose not to put myself in that position again,”

 

He nodded thoughtfully, chewing his food. 

 

“I can understand that,” he finally said, “but...and I’m not judging, I’m genuinely interested, don’t you ever wonder if you’re missing out on something really great?”

 

It was a question she’d asked herself before, something that her friends had put to her as well. What if she  _ was _ missing out? What if she was cutting her nose off to spite her face by dismissing people off hand, by leaving before they could even learn her surname? It was unsettling enough coming from Rose, but from Ben it made her squirm in her seat. Instead of answering, she countered.

 

“What about you then? Girlfriends? Boyfriends? A chest freezer full of bodies I should be concerned about?” she asked, her smile somewhat forced as she choked back the insecurities his question raised. He looked surprised, the tables turned.

 

“I, uh, well…” he began to stammer, his pale skin beginning to flush.

 

“Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. Forget it,”

 

“No, it’s alright. I just...It’s not something I really talk a lot about. I’m not really, well, fuck...how do I put this?” he muttered, frowning hard, “I’ve never been great at talking to women,”

 

“Why? Is there someone you _ are _ good at talking to?” she teased, Ben balling up a nearby napkin to throw at her.

 

“Very funny,” he rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean. Meeting people, flirting, that whole thing. I didn’t have a lot of confidence as a kid and that just carried on,”

 

“No girlfriends then?”

 

“I kinda hung out with this girl in college, but it didn’t last very long,” he admitted reluctantly, “I don’t really talk about this stuff much,”

 

“Why is that?” she asked, wiping her mouth on her napkin and pushing away her finished plate.

 

“Remember I told you my Dad was an asshole?” He asked. Rey nodded, “That’s why. Real men don’t talk about their feelings, apparently,” Rey scowled.

 

“That is such bullshit!” she spat, “ _ Real men _ are whatever they want to be!”

 

“Anyway,” he cleared his throat awkwardly, wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible, “It doesn’t matter,” 

 

Rey took pity on him, sensing his growing discomfort and watching his shoulders rise tightly towards his ears. If the seat could have swallowed him, he’d have allowed it.

 

“Maybe you’re making progress. You’ve been talking to me all night,” she smiled kindly. His lips quirked into a sideways grin.

 

“I guess I have, then again, this isn’t a date... _ buddy _ ,” he agreed, flagging down the waitress for the check and pulling out his wallet, “I’ll get this,”

 

“You don’t have to…”

 

“Rey, come on, you invited me and I’ve had a great night. Don’t bruise my ego any further. Let me buy your fucking pancakes,” 

 

She laughed heartily, finally agreeing to let him pay for something. The night was cool, tainted by the heat of the traffic as they left the diner.

 

“Well I’ve had a great night, thank you for coming with me,” she said, looking towards the entrance to 57th Street Subway, “I’m going to grab the train,”

 

“No you’re not,” Ben frowned, Rey’s eyebrows heading to her hairline.

 

“Excuse you?”

 

“Rey, it’s late, what kind of  _ buddy  _ would I be if I let you get the subway back to Brooklyn alone?” He said reasonably. Rey huffed.

 

“Umm, I’ve been living here longer than you have new guy! I’ll be fine,”

 

“Doesn’t matter. Let me get you a cab,” he asked but she shook her head.

 

“That’ll cost a fortune…”

 

“I don’t care. Humor me, please?”

 

She was ready to protest, to insist that she’d be fine, but his face gave her pause. His concern was genuine, more than just the lip service of a one night stand halfheartedly offering to get her a taxi. His face was so sincere, so earnest that a strange warmth spread through her chest, her heart picking up speed against her ribs.

 

_ Those damn eyes… _

 

“Alright,” she relented, “I’ll take a cab,”

 

He smiled, his arm immediately shooting out to hail the yellow car. 

 

Rey chewed her lip absently. This was the time of the night anyone else would expect a heartfelt goodbye, a promise to call, to do it again. Maybe even a kiss. 

 

“Well, thank you for tonight,” she said again.

 

“No, thank you. I had a great time,” he repeated. They paused awkwardly, Rey rocking on her heels.

 

“Guess I’ll see you at Poe’s or something, or you could call me if you want to do something again,” 

 

The car pulled up to the curb.

 

“I’ll do that…buddy,” he winked.

 

Her body moved of its own accord, suddenly grabbing him in a tight hug. His body stiffened with surprise for only a moment, softening at her touch. The scent of his cologne invaded her nostrils again, making it harder to let him go.

 

“Goodnight Ben,”

 

Reluctantly releasing him, she climbed into the back of the cab, giving her address and waving through the window. The car set off, Ben leaving her view.

 

“Date tonight?” The driver asked. Rey sighed, her smile wide.

 

“It wasn’t a date,”

 

00000

 

His night had left him in a philosophical mood that persisted through to morning.

 

Pulling himself out of bed, Ben wandered through to his kitchen, starting the coffee pot and turning on the news as he always did, only he wasn’t listening to the headlines.

 

He’d met a lot of people who fulfilled stereotypes, only fueling the image that society placed on them. Girls in college, those who could be called ‘easy’ or other, less complimentary names, always seemed to be in it for more than just a good time. Hive queens who reveled in being fawned over, in having the boys chase them, buy them things or complete assignments for them. He himself may have fallen for it had he not been so uncomfortable getting past the first hurdle.

 

Rey wasn’t like that at all and despite apologizing, he still felt a twinge of regret for immediately thinking badly of her. She had a good job, she supported herself. She was clear about where she stood and her intentions. 

 

Almost painfully so.

 

She’d gone to great lengths to make sure he knew that she wasn’t asking him on a date. It was comical, really, but now the night was over and he’d felt at ease around someone for the first time in so long, the fact was a bitter pill to swallow. Then again, he couldn’t rule out that the reason he’d felt so relaxed was  _ because _ it wasn’t a date. There had been no pressure to impress.

 

He swallowed a mouthful of his coffee, scowling to himself. As if he could offer her anything impressive. An unsure thirty-something with more confidence issues than he could count who had only ever fumbled with a girl once in college? That wasn’t what girls went for. After a certain age, being practically a virgin wasn’t exactly a highlight on someone's tinder profile.

 

His phone buzzed against the granite worktop.

 

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s impolite to call before 10 am on a weekend?” Ben said dryly. 

 

“Ooh, someone is grumpy this morning?” Poe said down the line, “How was your not-a-date with Rey?”

 

“It was...awesome, actually,”

 

“You say ‘actually’ like it’s a surprise,” Poe said, “I told you, Rey is a great person to hang out with,”

 

“She is. It’s a shame about that ‘no dating’ rule of hers,” he sighed. Poe tutted down the phone.

 

“Someone is getting brave in his old age?” Poe asked. Even without his friend being in the room, Ben felt his cheeks flame.

 

“I’m not saying that, but...she’s cool,” he muttered, “Maybe I would ask her out,”

 

“I’m proud of you,” Poe said sincerely, “but only you could fall for a girl who is hell-bent on being perpetually single!”

 

“I haven’t  _ fallen _ for her…”

 

“Bullshit,” Poe laughed, “I know you. I know how you are. The only difference from now and college is that you’re running out of fucks to give, which I am  _ all _ for,”

 

“I’m glad you approve,” Ben drawled, “Anyway, did you call at this time for a reason or did you just miss my voice?”

 

“I did, in fact. It’s Rey’s birthday in a few weeks and we’re throwing her a surprise party. You in?” 

 

“Absolutely,” he said without hesitation, “That’s really cool of you,”

 

“Well, it was Rose’s plan to begin with. She’s the mastermind of it all. I’ll email you the details!”

 

“Sounds good,”

 

He hung up the phone, saying his goodbye, leaving him with only the background noise of his TV once more. 

 

00000

 

Wrapped in her leather biker jacket, Rey clutched two coffees in her hands as she walked through Central Park to meet Rose at their usual bench, the late spring clouds patching the sky.

 

“Ahah, she arrives,” Rose smiled accepting her coffee, “So, you know what I’m going to ask you…”

 

“Don’t say it,”

 

“How was your date?” Rose finished, smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Rey rolled her eyes, sitting down next to her friend looking out towards the space of water in the park. 

 

“It wasn’t a date!” She insisted with annoyance but her voice held little conviction.

 

“Uhuh. Keep saying it and I’m sure it’ll be convincing eventually,” Rose sniggered, “but seriously, did you guys have a good time?”

 

“We did. It was...really fun,” she said. Rose didn’t miss the smile on her friends face, the light blush spreading across her cheeks while her eyes feel to her fingers fidgeting with her coffee cup.

 

“Sounds like,” Rose said slowly, “But that smile is saying more than anything!”

 

“Like…”

 

“You are smitten,” 

 

It was unfortunate that Rey had chosen to sip her dark roast at the same time, her sudden inhale sending the drink to the back of her throat. Coughing inelegantly, she leaned forward, Rose patting her back.

 

“I...am not!” She choked, her voice raspy. 

 

“Yes, and your very calm reaction to my comment really confirms that,” Rose laughed as Rey wiped her mouth, “You know, it’s okay to like someone,” 

 

“I...it doesn’t matter,” Rey said quietly, “I’m not made for commitments. Too messy,”

 

“In all fairness, you’ve not been in a full relationship since the start of college. Dude, that was years ago. We’re older now. Flings are fun but…”

 

“Sooner or later we have to settle down, I know,” Rey mumbled.

 

Rose was right and she hated it. Living the way she did was fine in her twenties while she was still young and carefree, but what happened when she hit thirty? Or forty? She’d seen it with her own eyes. There was nothing that made her cringe more than cougars on the prowl.

 

“I’m not saying you need to get married or anything, but don’t you think that you might be missing something great by never letting someone close?”

 

Rey’s head snapped up, staring at Rose with an incredulous laugh.

 

“Ben...he basically said the same thing last night,” Rey laughed, “It’s something to think about,”

 

“It is,” Rose agreed, “Oh, I almost forgot, I made us reservations for your birthday,”

 

“Rose…” Rey groaned but her friend shook her head.

 

“I know, I know you don’t like to celebrate but I love you and I do, so I’m taking you out for dinner at least,” Rose insisted. 

 

“Okay, that actually sounds pretty nice,” Rey relented, a sneaking suspicion that Rose wasn’t being completely honest. She’d pulled surprises out of the bag before.

 

Rose glanced down at her own coffee, carefully picking her next words.

 

“There’s actually something else I have to talk to you about,” she began. Rey giggled.

 

“Oh my God, are you breaking up with me? After all we’ve been through?” she joked. Rose laughed awkwardly.

 

“I went on a date the other night…”

 

“You always go on dates,” Rey shrugged, unperturbed by the news. While she maintained she was strictly a one-night stand girl, Rose had always enjoyed the social aspect of playing the field. She was still as honest as Rey with her intentions but figured there was nothing wrong with adding a few laughs and a meal or two into the bargain.

 

“I went on a date with Finn,” Rose said quietly, “And...it’s not the first one. We’ve decided to try and make a go of it, you know? The whole exclusive thing?”

 

“Oh,” Rey replied shortly, “Exclusive...as in relationship?”

 

“Yeah,” Rose confirmed with a small smile. Rey sat quietly, taking a long sip of her rapidly cooling coffee before she schooled her face into a cheery smile.

 

“Well, that’s great!” she declared, “I’m happy for you!”

 

“Rey, you know things aren’t going to change,” Rose said gently, “I’m still your wing woman!”

 

“I mean, thanks, but we both know that’s not true,” she said, doing her best to stay cheerful, “You’ll be off doing couple things, and you should be. You won’t be wasting your weekends trying to get your single friend laid!”

 

“Rey…”

 

“I’m happy for you. I mean that” she said sincerely, “I know you’ve had feelings for Finn for a while. It was obvious,”

 

“Thank you,” Rose smiled, covering Rey’s hand with her own. 

 

A thick sensation clawed at the back of Rey’s throat despite the fresh air of the park. Her eyes began to sting but this wasn’t about her. It was about her best friends finding happiness with each other, but still, something gnawed in her gut, a strange resentment that inevitably things were changing and somehow, she was going to be left behind.

 

As she always was.

 

Quickly, she checked her watch.

 

“Oh, shit. I better get back. I told Amilyn I’d have that final draft up for the website by three,” she said, jumping up out of the bench, Rose watching her warily.

 

“Alright,” Rose said slowly, “I’ll call you later?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Call me later,” Rey replied, her smile so tight her cheeks began to pinch. Rose regarded her carefully.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

 

“Definitely!” she protested, “I’m always alright,”

 

Walking away from her friend, she swallowed back the wave of self-pity that she hadn’t felt in so long.

 

_ Golden rule number 38: It’s not always about you… _


	6. Swipe Right

Her eyes stung, the invasive shrieking of her alarm insisting that she woke and started 8 am day.

 

Considering she’d only made it to bed at 5 am, it wasn’t a welcome sound.

 

The club she’d been to with Poe had been loud and smokey. Some speakeasy in the Bowery hidden behind the facade of an old bookstore near the old site of CBGB. She’d worn ripped jeans and an old, ripped tee with well worn-in black eyeliner to match the aesthetic of the place as Poe had instructed. She’d gone home with a rocker covered in tattoos who had thrown her around like a wet paper bag while she screamed for more.

 

It had been a good distraction.

 

Now her eyeliner was smudged down her cheeks and her head was throbbing, her mouth dry as sand. Gingerly she pulled herself out of bed, a path of her clothes leading from the front door to her bedroom that she passed on her way to the kitchen. Her partying ways had only ramped up since Rose and Finn had become an item. Grabbing her messy hair, she turned on the tap, sticking her head under the faucet to gulp the cold liquid greedily. When her hangover subsided, she could write about this for the magazine.

 

Another distraction.

 

Poe was a good wingman at least. He watched out for her, made sure that she was safe and evaluated the men who stared at her with possessive eyes. The one she’d chosen was the bass player of the band that had performed. A poor man’s Ramones, Poe had called them. Tattoo boy (Chris? Christian?) had the added benefit of being nothing like the person who had burrowed his way into her thoughts.

 

Being alone, or the idea of it had never really frightened her. She wasn’t the type to seek out a relationship simply on the basis that she didn’t want to be by herself. Her friends held the same ideology, she assumed that was why they all got along so well, but now those friends were gravitating towards one another. At least, Finn and Rose had. 

 

A few nights prior she’d seen them together. As a group, they’d gone out for dinner, but while Poe, Hux, and Ben were chatting, laughing over a story she was only vaguely listening to, she’d watched them. She saw the way Finn was gazing at Rose, his arm around her shoulders keeping her close. Rose, in turn, was snuggled into his side, blissful in his presence. 

 

She’d meant it when she’d told Rose she was happy for them, but that didn’t make the stab of jealousy any less acute.

 

Wandering through to the bathroom, she turned on the shower for the water to heat, steam slowly beginning rise. Before she could step in, her phone in the other room buzzed.

 

_ <Ben> How’s the hangover? x _

 

Unbidden, she smiled at the name, at the stupid little ‘x’ that made her chest flip. 

 

_ <Rey> What makes you think I have a hangover? x _

 

She did, but he didn’t need to know that.

 

_ <Ben> I’m just talking to Poe and he mentioned you guys went pretty hard last night. I’m taking an educated guess x _

 

_ <Rey> Just a small headache. I’ll live to fight another day x _

 

_ <Ben> Glad to hear it. Things would be awfully boring without you x _

 

There it was again, that uncomfortable churning in her stomach that made her want to giggle. Her smile hadn’t left her face since his first message, but really, none of it mattered. 

 

Because she wasn’t good for him.

 

Thinking long and hard about what Rose had said, she’d weighed up the possibilities of the future. They could date if he wanted. Maybe they dated, maybe they got together but really, how long was it going to last? Her thoughts were like the wind, changeable and sometimes turbulent. Ben was trusting and good. He didn’t need someone like her breaking his heart in the end.

 

She put her phone down on the bed with a heavy sigh, the steam from the bathroom beginning to float out into the hall. 

 

She’d get over this. She’d get over it the only way she knew how.

 

_ Golden rule number 39: When in doubt, fuck it out. _

 

00000

 

**_Ladies,_ **

 

**_I get asked often if I’ve ever used dating apps and the answer has always been an unambiguous ‘No’._ **

 

**_I have nothing against them per se. Not everyone is comfortable forming a connecting in person. Sometimes hiding behind the screen is a safe way to be confident before the initial meet up. However, it’s a double-edged sword that we all know too well._ **

**_Catfishing is real, girls._ **

 

**_How do you know that the man or woman you’re meeting is legitimate? You might think you’ve paired with a stockbroker from Soho when in reality, you’ve got yourself a car dealer from New Jersey._ **

 

**_But they do have their uses. You can be upfront about what you want from the meetup, and if that person isn’t into it, you can cut ties without ever having laid eyes. For scientific purposes (obviously) I am going to give it a try so I can report my findings back to you, my readers._ **

 

**_Wish me luck…_ **

 

“Are you  _ really _ downloading Tinder?!” Kaydel asked incredulously, the blonde woman standing next to Jessika behind Rey’s chair, all three ladies looking at the phone. 

 

“I am,” Rey said, “I’ve never used it and I feel like I’m doing the sexual world a disservice by not being able to comment on it accurately. I can’t judge until I know,”

 

“But I thought you didn’t do dates?” Jessika asked. Rey nodded.

 

“I don’t. I’m going to be honest, this is for hookups only,”

 

“Jesus, put that on your profile and you’re going to get so many right swipes!” Kaydel laughed. Rey turned her head to look up from her phone.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“Oh God, you really haven’t used this thing before,” Jessika said, “Look when you see someone you think is cute, you swipe to the right. If they swipe right too, then it’s a match and you can start messaging each other. If you don’t like someone, swipe left,”

 

“Okay, I think I have it,” Rey said, adding pictures from various nights out to her profile, following Kaydel and Jessika’s instructions to avoid group shots. She typed out a quick bio, being sure to mention that she wasn’t interested in relationships.

 

“So, do I just start swiping?” she asked, both girls nodding. 

 

The first few pictures were average, nothing to write home about. Topless boys showing off their assets or lack thereof with cocky smiles and stereotypical bios about loving animals and sports. As she was swiping mainly left, occasionally right, her phone beeped.

 

“You got a super like!” Kaydel said excitedly. Rey raised an eyebrow warily.

 

“What the hell is that?”

 

“It means some dude  _ really _ wants to match with you!” She explained, “And you can see their profile. Let’s take a look!” Flicking her thumb, she pulled up the profile.

 

For just a moment, her heart felt like it was stuck in her throat. The first thing she saw was dark hair and dark eyes but taking the time to examine the picture properly, she relaxed. It wasn’t him but damn, if it didn’t look a lot like him.

 

The universe had a sense of humor.

 

“Flip Zimmerman,” Kaydel read aloud over Rey’s shoulder, “He’s cute!”

 

“He  _ is  _ cute,” Rey mused, reading his bio, “Cop with the NYPD, originally from Colorado Springs,”

 

“Doesn’t matter where he’s from. You’re not going to date him,” Kaydel reminded her, “Well, go on, message him!”

 

“You think?”

 

“Yes! What’s the worst that could happen?” Jessika insisted. Rey was still skeptical. There was a reason she didn’t really trust dating apps.

 

“Um, he could turn out to be a serial killer?” she pointed out. Kaydel rolled her eyes.

 

“So could any one of the guys you end up with at bars and you did say you were doing this for article research,”

 

Rey looked back at the phone, flicking through the pictures. The guy seemed to have a love of flannel shirts but for all intents and purposes, he was hot, built and exactly her type. She supposed there was no harm in reaching out.

 

“What do I even say!? I’ve never done this via message,” She groaned, the other girls laughing. Before she could come up with anything smooth, the messenger flashed.

 

_ <Flip> Do you want me to hit you with an awful pick-up line or can we skip that? _

 

Rey smiled at her phone, relieved that this guy had broken the ice.

 

_ <Rey> I’m pretty sure we’ll be fine without it. I’m Rey, nice to talk to you :) _

 

_ <Flip> Phillip, but everyone calls me Flip :) Loved your pictures, you’re stunning _

_ <Rey> Thank you ;) I liked yours too, you remind me of someone _

 

Her fingers paused as she sent the message, instantly cringing. The whole point of this exercise was to distract and forget. How was she ever better at this in person? She anxiously watched the dots on the screen, waiting for his reply.

 

_ <Flip> Must be a good looking guy ;) Might be jumping the gun, but I noticed your bio says you’re not here for relationships...what are you looking for? _

 

Well, they did say honesty was the best policy.

 

_ <Rey> Sex. Unattached sex. _

 

_ <Flip> You don’t mince your words _

 

“Shit, was this the wrong thing to say?” Rey asked uncertainly, showing her phone to Kaydel and Jessika.

 

“Wow,” Kaydel whistled, “I guess it depends how easily scared off he is. Oh, he’s typing!”

 

_ <Flip> What are you doing Friday? _

 

00000

 

Rey wasn’t heartless.

 

It wasn’t that she’d never grown attached to people before. She still had a beating heart, perfectly capable of becoming as infatuated as anyone else, but the difference was how she handled it. Perhaps had she given in, maybe tried to find her crush again with the purpose of getting to know them, things would have been different. Set in her ways, loyal to her own cause, she had a very specific method of moving on.

 

When in doubt, fuck it out. 

 

That was her plan. Thoughts of Ben were growing like a virus and she hoped that a night of straight up, filthy passion was just what the doctor ordered. For a few days, she’d messaged Flip back and forth. It began innocently enough, discussing plans for their evening, but one half-naked selfie later and said messages devolved into something far less civilized. 

 

And it was working. Focusing on work and her anticipation of meeting Flip, she didn’t have time to think about her feelings.

 

“I mean, yeah he’s cute but, Tinder? Rey, that’s not like you at all,” Rose had pointed out with worry, “You’ve been out so much lately. Are you sure you’re not just trying to avoid dealing with your feelings?”

 

“I know what I’m doing,” Rey had assured her with a winning smile, showing off more pictures of her soon to be conquest. Rose had dropped the subject, but the look on her face had said it all.

 

By the time Friday had arrived, Rey had to admit she was nervous. She’d never had a tinder meetup before. At least meeting someone at a bar or club, there was a certain dance about it all, a preliminary set up. This time, it was all done via text and pictures, building far more anticipation than she’d ever experienced from a one night stand. There was ambiguity with those kinds of meetings, a tinder matchup was almost always a sure thing.

 

_ Christ, how do people do this all the time…it’s exhausting… _

 

Her friends knew where she was going and when. They knew his full name, they’d seen his pictures. All she had to do was show up.

 

It was early evening when she made her way to Brooklyn Heights, her cab stopping outside a beautiful brownstone building. Walking up the stairs, she pressed the buzzer, her heart pounding.

 

The door opened, the man in front of her offering a lopsided smile.

 

“Hello, Rey. Come on in,”

 

“Hey,” she smiled, stepping past him as he stood aside, “Beautiful place,”

 

“Thanks,” he directed her through to the living room, two glasses of wine already waiting. Rey smiled to herself, fighting the urge to lunge for the glass and neck the whole thing to kill her nerves.

 

She sat down on his plush leather sofa, accepting the glass as he sat across from her, his eyes watching her carefully as she took a large, nervous gulp.

 

“First time on Tinder?” He asked kindly, taking a swig from his own glass. Rey nodded.

 

“Yeah, this isn’t the usual way I do things,” she confessed, “I’m more of a ‘meet in a bar and see what happens’ kind of girl,”

 

“I get it. So what changed?”

 

“I figured I should give it a chance at least once,” it wasn’t a full lie, but emotional burdens were the opposite of what their meetup was about, “How about you?”

 

“Well, my job doesn’t exactly give me a lot of free time to hit bars or clubs to meet people. It’s convenient,” he said honestly.

 

“Makes sense to make,” she said, unsure what else to say. Small talk was so much easier when there was music, when there was darkness punctuated with colored lights, the bass of the speakers rumbling through her chest.

 

This all felt so much more intimate and for the briefest moment, she wondered if she was making a mistake.

 

“So, What now?” She asked, draining her glass. Flip shuffled closer to her.

 

“First of all, you’re going to relax a little bit. You’re so tense, I can see it in your shoulders,” he smiled, his large hand resting on her knee, “If you’re not into this, we don’t need to do anything, I’m not that kind of guy!”

 

“No, I do! I guess this is just kind of new for me. I didn’t expect the whole thing to feel so different,” 

 

“Is there anything you’re not into? Any hard limits?” He asked gently. 

 

“I’m not into water sports if that’s what you mean,” she laughed, earning a hearty chuckle from him.

 

“Well we just met, I didn’t think we’d be going  _ that  _ far,” he put down his own glass, taking hers to place back on his coffee table. A hand still on her knee, the other traced the curve of her neck, warm on her bare skin as he leaned closer. 

 

“Relax,” he murmured softly, “I’ve got you,”

 

He kissed her. Softly, at first, waiting for her silent permission to escalate. His facial hair tickled her skin, but his lips were soft and inviting.

 

Her mind cleared, her thoughts melted.

 

00000

 

There was a bite mark on her shoulder. 

 

Blooms suckled against her inner thighs and her ribs, the colors bright against her skin. She was certain his back would be covered in scratches and her legs were well and truly spent.

 

As one time deals went, this was a rare occasion she cursed her own no repeats policy. Flip was as skilled as he was handsome. Respectful of boundaries but happy to push them when she wanted. 

 

They’d spent hours in his bed. He’d licked and sucked, coaxing one orgasm after another until she could barely breathe. When was the last time any guy had eaten her out like  _ that _ ? She rewarded him with skills of her own, her adept mouth and tongue bringing him to his knees.

 

She’d ridden his hips, digging her nails into his chest. He’d fucked her from behind, his handprints still pink on her ass and in the end she left glassy-eyed, jelly-legged and oh, so satisfied.

 

And she was distracted.

 

Leaving Flip’s, she kissed him at the door, thanking him for the wild, diverting night. Wandering the street with well-fucked hair and what she assumed was an almost drunk smile, her phone buzzed in her bag. No doubt a reminder from Kitestring to check in.

 

She pulled out the device, the face recognition unlocking the screen. It wasn’t kitestring.

 

_ <Ben> You’ve been quiet for a few days. You okay? x  _

 

She stopped dead in her tracks reading the innocent message more than once. A simple question made up of two words that were more thoughtful than she could have imagined. His smile, his eyes, his scent all came flooding to the forefront of her mind like a cresting wave, the pangs in her gut returning, only now they were joined by something else. Something she’d never considered before.

 

Guilt.

 

And what did she have to be guilty for? She was single, right? He didn’t get a say in what she did,  _ who _ she did or how she spent her free time. He was just as free to see and do whatever he wanted. They were  _ friends _ , but the idea that he sent her a message out of the blue simply to ask if she was alright tipped her precarious balance over the edge. That message meant he’d been thinking about her.

 

And she couldn’t deny it any longer that she’d been thinking more and more about him. 

 

_ <Rey> I’m okay  x _

 

She deleted Tinder.


	7. When the Party's Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to everyone commenting and reading this story still. Fully aware it's a very different take on some of the typical tropes but I'm trying to go for something a bit more dramatic, a bit more realistic. Think more HBO drama and less Hallmark!
> 
> An even bigger THANK YOU to the wonderful SweetKyloRen who has been Alpha reading these chapters for me and, along with JustAnotherSailorScout has been an amazing sounding board for some of these ideas and themes that I'm writing here.

For the tenth day in a row, Rey woke before her alarm.

 

Well rested, she sat up in her bed, stretching her arms high above her head and feeling the satisfying cracks her back made. A lazy smile on her face, she rolled her shoulders, swinging her legs to the floor so she could wander through to her kitchen. Sunlight streamed through the cracks in her drapes indicating that it was the start of another beautiful day in the city.

 

While her thoughts were still riddled with anxiety, her body was at least thanking her for slowing down. She poured her energy into more productive ventures. She cleaned her apartment, reorganized her wardrobe, her emails. Even people in the office had commented that she was looking brighter. 

 

In the midst of her emotional turbulence, she’d forgotten all about one of her rules, about listening to her body. Now she was getting a full night's sleep and drinking more water, she looked healthier for it. She was putting herself through a detox of sorts and it showed.

 

Maybe it was a good thing, she thought. It was something interesting she could write about for the magazine. She could point out to confused girls out there that being single and playing the field was great, but that self-care really should come first. It wasn’t like she didn’t have plenty of past experiences to draw from if she needed to.

 

Now if only her feelings were as easy to sort. The distractions around her home and her work were wearing thin but the idea of tackling the root of her commitment issues wasn’t a thrilling prospect. If it was between watching reruns of The Office or paying for therapy, The Office won out every time.

 

As she stood pouring milk into her coffee, her phone rang.

 

“Happy Birthday, sweetie!” a loud woman’s voice echoed down the receiver. Rey jammed the phone between her shoulder and ear. It was comforting to hear Jyn Erso-Andor’s voice.

 

“Thanks, Mom,” 

 

“I can’t believe you’re so grown up,” she cooed, “Honestly, it feels like only yesterday you came into our lives. How are you doing? How’s life in the city?”

 

“I’m...great,” Rey said, picking her words carefully, “Things are good. Work is good. Yeah, everything is...good. How’s Dad, is he there?”

 

“He’s out in the garage, still tinkering away as usual,” Jyn said fondly, “Do you have any plans tonight?”

 

“Rose is taking me out for dinner,” Rey confirmed, hearing her foster mother’s voice tut on the other end of the line.

 

“Just Rose? Nobody else?” Rey sat herself down into her sofa, blowing on her coffee to cool it down.

 

“Well, I mean, I say it’s just Rose but you know her, it’s probably a party,” Rey grinned, “She’s terrible at covering her tracks,”

 

“I didn’t mean that. I meant-”

 

“I know what you meant, Mom,” Rey signed, “No. There is no boyfriend…”

 

“Oh sweetie, I just want to see you happy. You know that,” Jyn soothed.

 

“I know but I...am happy,” There was a pause on the line, “Mom?”

 

“What was that?”

 

“What was what?” Rey questioned, sitting up a little straighter in her seat.

 

“You hesitated. Before you said you were happy, you hesitated,” Jyn stated. Rey winced, scrunching her nose in the same manner she used to as a child. Nothing ever got past Jyn, even over the phone. It was one of her best and worst qualities.

 

“Can I ask you something? When you met Dad, how did you know things would work out?” Rey asked, carefully trying to pick her words. Down the line, she heard Jyn laugh loudly.

 

“Know it would work? When I first met your Dad, we were at each other's throats!” she laughed, “I don’t think either of us expected things to go the way they did,”

 

“I know that you’ve both told me,” Rey sniggered, “But when you did start to feel things...how were you sure?” Jyn made some non-committal sounds, humming before she answered.

 

“Well, you can’t be,” she said honestly, “That’s the thing about love, sweetie, it’s scary. You can’t dip your toe in the pool, you just need to dive in headfirst,” Rey groaned.

 

“That’s not exactly comforting,” she whined, “I just...I think I met this guy and I don’t know what to do,”

 

“Ah, so you’ve finally found one that’s made you pause?” Jyn said with amusement, “I was wondering when that would happen. What’s he like?”

 

Rey squirmed against the sofa pillows, wishing that she hadn’t brought up the subject. Once Jyn got hold of an idea, she seldom let it go.

 

“He’s...nice,” she mumbled bashfully, “Really nice,”

 

“I’m sure he is. Anything else other than ‘nice’?”

 

“His name is Ben, he’s a friend of Poe’s who moved here a while ago and...he’s nice,” 

 

“Alright, tell me in your own time then. I’m not going to tell you to be careful, that’s your Dad’s job,” Jyn said sincerely, “If you like this guy, I’m going to tell you to be brave,”

 

Rey felt a lump rising in her throat, her eyes stinging. She rubbed them furiously, grinding the heel of her palm into the sockets.

 

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll try,” she said thickly, swallowing back the sudden surge of emotion in her voice, “Oh hey, look at the time, I need to get myself together or I’m going to be late,” 

 

“Alright sweetie, have a great time tonight whatever you do!” 

 

“I will. Give my love to Dad,” she said, hanging up the phone quickly. 

 

The fall was maddening. She felt like her thoughts were in a constant tumble. She’d think of him and feel giddy one moment only to have doubt creep in, a little voice in the back of her head telling her that she wasn’t good enough.

 

She wasn’t good enough for her birth parents, she wasn’t good enough for her scummy ex-boyfriend in college and sooner or later, Ben would realize she wasn’t good enough for him either.

 

Putting her cup down, she wandered to her bathroom to splash cold water on her face. The cool droplets ran down her skin, dripping onto her neck and she smiled at her damp reflection. Drying herself, she found her phone flashing.

 

_ <Ben> Happy Birthday buddy ;) x _

 

Be brave, she told herself. It was time to be brave.

 

00000

 

Rose hadn’t told her where they were going but had been with her for the duration of her getting ready. As tradition dictated, her friend had turned up to her apartment with a bottle of champagne in hand and a huge smile on her face.

“Happy birthday!” she cried, throwing her arms around Rey’s neck and squeezing her tightly. Within minutes of Rose entering, the cork was popped and their celebrations were underway.

 

“What about this?” Rey asked, pulling a red dress from her wardrobe. Rose shook her head, “You know, if you  _ told _ me where we were going, it would make this whole dressing thing much easier!”

 

“But if I told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Rose grinned, “I’ll give you a hint...it’s somewhere you’ve never been before,”

 

“That is...the worst hint in the history of mankind,” Rey deadpanned, dropping the dress to turn back to her wardrobe, “How about this then?” She pulled out a two-piece outfit. A silver high neck embellished top that matched a steel grey floor-length silk skirt. Rose lifted her glass with approval.

 

“That will look stunning on you. I approve!” She declared. Rey sighed with relief, throwing back some of her champagne.

 

“Finally!” She began to strip her old sweats to change into the outfit chosen, “So, how have things been with you and Finn? Still loves young dream?” She asked. Rose blushed furiously.

 

“Things are going great. Really great, actually,” she confessed, “I’d almost forgotten how nice it was y’know? Being in a relationship. Fun is fun and all that but I haven’t shaved my legs in a week and I still know I’m guaranteed to get some!”

 

“Spare a thought for us poor ladies who need regular maintenance,” Rey joked, zipping up the side of the top.

 

“It can’t be so bad. You’ve not really been going out,” Rose probed, “Just needing a break or…” Rey stopped moving, turning to her friend.

 

“You can stop with the leading questions. Just say what you want to say,” 

  
“You’re my best friend. I’ve known you since the first day of college orientation and I’ve been worried about you. You had to admit, for the past few weeks you’d been hitting the town pretty hard. Now you’re not, so talk to me. What’s going on?”

 

Gently lifting the skirt, Rey pulled the silver silk over her lower body, feeling the luxurious fabric slipping over her skin.

 

“I think I like Ben,”

 

“Well duh…” Rose said, Rey, shooting her a withering look before continuing.

“I think I like Ben but I’ve been having a hard time dealing with it, so I guess I was going out to try and forget about it. To replace it and it’s not working...every time he sends me a message or likes something on my Instagram or...anyway, you know how I hooked up with that guy, Flip?”

 

“You mean the long dick of the law? I do, go on,”

 

“It was amazing. By far probably some of  _ the _ best sex I’ve ever had,” Rey gushed, fanning herself dramatically, “But as soon as it was over, when I left, all I could think about was Ben and what he was doing and I felt  _ guilty _ . Fucking guilty and I hadn’t even done anything wrong!” 

 

“Look at you,” Rose said proudly, “You’re blushing!”

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot. Taking some time for myself and, I think I just need to do it…”

 

“You mean…”

 

“I think I just need to ask him out. Properly,”

 

Rose squealed with excitement, what was left in her glass almost sloshing out to the floor as she leaped from the bed.

 

“I am  _ so _ proud of you!” She cried, “Oh my God, we could double date!”

 

“Easy, let’s not plan the wedding just yet,” Rey warned with a sheepish grin, “But, I’m going to try,”

 

“Speaking of trying, we better try to get a cab soon or we’re going to be late!” Rose downed the last of her glass, “Drink up!”

 

“Late for  _ where _ ?!”

 

00000

 

The cab stopped outside a hotel, the bright lights of Times Square illuminating everything around it in flurry of pink, red, blue and white. Rey looked towards the entrance quizzically. 

 

“Hotel?”

 

“I thought we’d stop here for cocktails first,” rose smiled conspicuously, “Come on, they do a killer martini!”

 

Rey followed her inside a knowing smile on her face while Rose directed them straight to the elegantly decorated elevator. Of course, she knew what was going on. Not only had Rose done something similar almost every year since they’d met, but the smaller woman was hardly discrete at dropping hints. Still, every time, Rey kept up the facade that she had no idea what was going on. If Rose was going to be the most thoughtful friend in existence, she was going to keep up her own end of the bargain and not ruin it.

 

They traveled up to the 40th floor, Rose practically vibrating with excitement.

 

“Are you alright? You’re very giddy for cocktails,” Rey commented. Rose shrugged, barely holding in a giggle.

 

“I just love a good martini!” she grinned. 

 

The bell chimed, the doors sliding open to reveal a beautiful bar. The moment they stepped further into the room, the large group waiting for them erupted.

 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

 

Despite suspecting this was Rose’s plan, the noise and the sheer number of people waiting for them caught her off guard, Rey jumping at the sound, clutching her chest with a wide grin and loud laugh. She wasn’t even aware she knew so many people. Friends, work colleagues, old classmates from college. They had all come together for her.

 

The gesture made her eyes sting.

 

“Holy shit, Rose,” She gasped, “This is...so much more than you’ve ever done!”

 

“Well, you deserve it. Happy Birthday, girl!” Rose smiled, giving her friend a tight hug. She leaned closer to Rey’s ear, “Remember, people love you,”

 

“Thank you,” Rey choked, sniffing back some tears that threatened to ruin her makeup. 

 

“Now, let’s get the birthday girl a drink!” Rose cried, her arm around Rey’s waist to direct her to the bar through the throngs of people waiting to wish her a happy birthday personally. Standing at the bar already was Poe and Ben.

 

“There she is! Happy birthday gorgeous,” Poe greeted, offering her a friendly kiss on the cheek, “What can we get you?”

 

“I guess I’ll have one of those martinis,” Rey replied, her eyes falling to Ben. 

 

There it was, that sick feeling again. A churning mixture of excitement and nerves, adrenaline seeping into her blood. Everyone had made an effort but he looked especially striking in his dark jeans, black shirt and blazer combination that emphasized the shape of his built, tall frame. 

They’d just arrived. While she was anxious to talk to him straight away, if it didn’t go how she hoped it might, she didn’t want to ruin the rest of the night. Not when Rose had worked so hard on it all and she refused to be the birthday girl cliche, crying in some hotel bathroom over a boy.

 

_ Golden rule number 45: Timing is everything _

 

Later. She would relax, talk, dance, drink and feel out the situation before she took the plunge. The bartender pushed her drink to her.

 

“Oh hey, there’s Kaydel and Jessika. I’m going to go and say hi!” Poe said, grabbing his drink to head across the bar floor towards the ladies, leaving Ben and Rey alone.

 

“Happy birthday,” Ben smiled, raising his own glass, his smile warming her insides. She took a large sip of her martini for the courage alone.

 

“Thank you, I’ve got a feeling I’m going to hear that a lot tonight,” 

 

“Well it  _ is _ your birthday and this party is all for you, I’d imagine so,” he said cheekily, “What have you been up to? I’ve not really seen you around,”

 

“Ah, you know...work stuff,” she muttered, reminding herself that five minutes into her own party in the very public domain of the bar was not where she wanted to have  _ that _ conversation. Ben smirked, dimples forming just past his facial hair.

 

“Hooking up?” He asked. Rey shook her head.

 

“Actually, not so much,” she said honestly, “I’m finding I don’t really have the mental fortitude for it anymore,” Ben raised a quizzical eyebrow, gazing at her intently.

 

“Really? Something changed?” 

 

_ You. You happened and now I don’t know what I’m fucking doing with myself anymore so just kiss me and confirm that I’m not crazy. _

 

He was giving her an opening. It could be so easy for her to look up at him with soft eyes, to open up and put herself out there but it  _ wasn’t _ easy. There was still a part of her terrified that he’d screw his face up in disgust, tell her he wasn’t interested and forever the night would be awkward.

 

But then, what happened to just being brave?

 

She opened her mouth, words on the tip of her tongue when they were rudely interrupted.

 

“Ben, there’s some people I’d like you to meet!” Poe said loudly, two women with him, “This is Kaydel and Jessika, they both work with Rey at the magazine,”

 

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Ben said politely. Rey took another gulp of her drink, far larger than the first to cover the awkwardness she felt. Kaydel smiled pleasantly, Jessika was another matter.

 

Rey recognized that look. It was the same one she had when she had a target in her sights.

 

“Hi, Poe tells me you just moved here?” Jessika asked, twirling a piece of her long, dark hair. Ben nodded.

 

“I did, yeah. Not a bad town so far. Lots of good people here,” he replied. 

 

Rey fought a scowl. His manner, while still guarded and a little awkward, he seemed far more relaxed around Jessika than she would have liked. Rey placed a hand on his arm.

 

“Ben, actually, can we go out to the balcony. I need to talk to yo-”

 

“Rey!” Finn cried, cutting her off. He looped his arm in Rey’s, “There are some people here you  _ have _ to meet. Sorry guys, I’m going to steal the birthday girl for a minute!”

 

To her frustration, Rey felt herself being pulled away with a tight smile on her face. Ben nodded.

 

“Later?” he asked. Rey nodded back in earnest.

 

“Yeah, I’ll grab you later,”

 

00000

 

The problem with having a party thrown for her was that it was  _ for her _ . 

 

Rose’s minute turned into hours of being passed from pillar to post, everyone who had come to see her, to wish her a happy birthday or even brought gifts all taking up precious time. It was selfish, it felt ungrateful as hell and she’d wish she’d simply taken the opening Ben had given her at the bar when she had the chance.

 

But still, people loved her enough to come to the beautiful party Rose had thoughtfully arranged and she wasn’t about to be an ungrateful bitch by ignoring them. 

 

She accepted drinks, she ate some of the wonderful food the hotel had provided, she’d been pulled onto the dance floor by Finn and Poe on numerous occasions but one major thing was playing on her mind.

 

Ben was nowhere to be seen. 

 

She’d kept an eye on his location more than once but with so many people pulling her attention, it had been difficult to pinpoint him. Shuffling off the floor with aching feet, the hour growing late and guests saying their goodbyes, she finally turned to Poe.

 

“Hey, have you seen Ben? I need to talk to him,” she asked. Poe looked around and pointed to the balcony.

 

“I think I saw him head outside,” 

 

She took a deep breath, her heart pounding wildly. This was it. She was going to tell him how she felt and if he rejected her, fine. At least she could leave straight away, telling people she was tired and ready to go home. 

 

The cool air of the night raised goosebumps on her bare arms, the sound of traffic miles below. The balcony seemed empty, until she looked around, her eyes landing on two people.

 

In the far corner, pressed against the wall was Ben and Jessika. Her arms around his neck, his hands resting on her hips as they kissed, his full lips moving softly. It wasn’t carnal, or passionate. There was a sweetness about the action that made Rey’s heart crack.

 

And her stomach lurch.

 

As quickly as she could she turned before she was spotted, rushing from the balcony to get as far away from them as possible. Bursting her way into the ladies room, finding it mercifully empty, she barged into a cubicle as her anxiety and horror brought back the food she’d only eaten hours ago.

 

Done, she stumbled out of the cubicle, rising her mouth from the tap and breathing hard. Her eyes watered, stinging along with the pressure in her aching chest. She stared at herself in the mirror of the bathroom. Mascara and lipstick smudged, breathing hard and her expression broken.

 

“You’re such a fucking cliche,” she rasped at her reflection.

 

_ Golden rule number 39: If you’re not fast, you’re last… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Pain Train!
> 
> Full disclosure: This will get a bit angsty and I'm trying for realism. That means people make stupid decisions and it won't all be perfect and fluffy. Love can be messy as hell! Not Hallmark remember? Still with me?
> 
> ALL ABOARD! xx


	8. Elastic Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to my wonderful Alpha readers SweetKyloRen and Loveofescapism for being sounding boards for this story!
> 
> Casual reminder to remember for this plot: People do stupid things. People say stupid things. We have the benefit of knowing all the facts (so far), they do not.

_ <Jessika> I had a great time last night. Call me and we’ll arrange that date :) x _

 

There was an emoji and everything.

 

Ben rolled over in his bed, remarkably hangover free considering he’d drank far more than intended and on an empty stomach too. He hadn’t been so drunk he’d been out of control, but the liquid courage had given him confidence that he usually wouldn’t have possessed in a large party scenario.

 

Which was probably how he’d found himself out on the balcony, making out with Jessika like a teenager. 

 

It was so unlike him. Normally his awkward manner came off as cold, indifferent, but he’d felt at ease and as the liquor had taken hold, when she’d thrown herself at him, her lips warm on his, kissing her back had felt like the thing to do.

 

He pushed his messy bedhead hair of out his face, scrunching his nose slightly. He wasn’t as embarrassed as he potentially should have been and as nights went, it was an oddly successful one. He’d enjoyed himself, he’d hung out with good people and somehow, managed to score himself a date with a pretty girl.

 

Jessika was nice. She was certainly good looking, intelligent but overall the defining characteristic he got from her was that she was simply a sweetheart, someone that he didn’t mind going on a date with. It wasn’t like there was anyone else.

 

Except for Rey.

 

If he was honest with himself, he’d been enamored by her since she’d turned up to build furniture in his apartment. His appreciation for her as a person only grew on their night out, the one where she had thoroughly insisted that it wasn’t a date. She was beautiful, independent, fiery and completely unobtainable by her own admission.

 

For a brief shining moment, he’d wondered about the possibility of her changing her mind. They had fun together, he certainly felt like there was chemistry, but asking her out only to be shot down wasn’t his idea of a fun time. He’d considered it, voiced it to Poe but she was still living her life the way she wanted and claimed to love it. Who was he to stand in the way of that?

 

No, she’d made it clear to him that she wasn’t interested in a relationship. He had to swallow his disappointment as much as his acute jealousy at the strangers she gave her attention to. He didn’t care if they were good guys or otherwise, they weren’t him and even if he had no claim to her, it stung.

 

He’d asked her once if she felt like she was missing out on something great by not getting attached. Jessika was a lovely girl, he could have done so much worse. Didn’t he owe it to himself to take his own advice and see where it might lead instead of chasing something impossible?

 

A pang of guilt hit him in the chest. He’d been busy with Jessika when Rey had left, meaning he’d missed the chance to say goodnight, to make sure she’d enjoyed her birthday. He might have resided himself to the fact she wasn’t interested, but they were still friends. Not only that, hadn’t she said she wanted to speak to him about something? Looking back at his phone, he typed a quick message.

 

_ <Ben> Morning sunshine, hope the hangover isn’t too bad! I didn’t catch up with you. Do you still need to speak to me about something? X _

 

Normally her reply was fairly instant. Any time he sent a message, within seconds the little dots would appear to indicate she was typing. He stared at the screen. 

 

Nothing.

 

“Probably still sleeping,” he mumbled to himself. It was her birthday last night, she’d no doubt have been poured into a cab by Rose and Finn and was still sleeping off her party. Trying not to take it to heart, he pulled himself out of bed, deciding that he’d slept late enough.

 

Trying to decide what to do with his day, his phone rang.

 

“Good morning handsome!” Poe crooned through the speaker, his voice only slightly rough, “Are we alone?”

 

“Yes, I’m alone. Who the fuck else would be with me? And Jesus, why are you so cheery this early?”

 

“I think you’ll find it’s almost eleven pal, it’s not that early,” Poe replied, “And who else? Who else do you think I meant? Jessika!”

 

“No, I went home alone,” Ben said testily, “But...we did swap numbers. I think we’re going out next week,”

 

“Alright, that’s awesome!” Poe said happily, “So, the whole Rey thing…”

 

“Was probably always a non-starter,” Ben sighed, “I can’t...I can’t just sit around and hope that something is going to happen there. It’ll just make me miserable. Jessika is nice, nothing wrong with at least getting to know her a little,” 

 

He wandered through to his living room, sitting heavily down on his sofa with his phone still against his ear. Poe made an awkward tutting sound as if deciding what to say.

 

“Listen, I have a confession to make,”

 

“Why don’t I like the sound of this…”

 

“I told Rey...to stay away from you. In a romantic sense,” Poe confessed uncomfortably. Ben sat bolt upright, a deep scowl pinching his brows.

 

“You did fucking  _ what _ ?!” He shouted, “What the fuck, man?!”

 

“Look, I did it because I know how she is with guys and I know how you are with girls!” Poe defended, “It’s like oil and water! I didn’t want you getting feelings for someone who wouldn’t return them, alright? I’m sorry, you’ve every right to be angry. Do you want me to talk to her?”

 

As quickly as his rage had begun it subsided, like a flash in a hot pan. He sighed, raking his hands through his hair.

 

“What are we, teenagers? No, don’t do that,” he grunted, “Besides, I get the impression that if she really wanted to, she wouldn’t have listened to you anyway. Rey made it perfectly clear that she’s not interested,”

 

“So you’re going to go on a date with Jessika?” Poe asked. Ben nodded to nobody, staring up at the ceiling as he leaned back on the sofa once more.

 

“I am going to go on a date with Jessika,” he confirmed, “but, listen, did you see Rey leave last night. She was gone when I, uh, came back into the bar,”

 

“I didn’t see, no. I think she was pretty rough, Rose found her in the bathroom and whisked her away into a cab without anyone knowing,” Poe laughed, “I swear to God, she’s like our own personal secret service that one!”

 

“Was she alright?” Ben pondered with concern.

 

“It’s Rey, she’s always alright!” Poe laughed, “Message her yourself. I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it. Anyway, I’m going to run. Good to hear you’re not dead or hungover. Let me know what happens with Jessika!”

 

“Will do,” Ben drawled, hanging up the phone. Looking down at the screen, he was relieved to see that Rey had replied, but the answer left him strangely unsatisfied.

 

_ <Rey> Not anymore _

 

00000

 

**_I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot…_ **

 

She had a deadline, she knew that much, but nothing was coming to mind. She supposed she could write about that self-care she’d been so high on only last week, but recent events hadn’t encouraged that train of thought.

 

Rose had found her in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with tears in her eyes. Like a goddamn guardian angel, she’d swooped into action, escorting her out of the building via another exit without her having to face anyone in such a state. The only other person who’d been made aware of what actually happened was Finn, her other BFF lying for them smoothly.

 

“Rey wasn’t feeling too well, think she had a little too much to drink so Rose is taking her home,” he’d told people, all of them sympathizing. Later, he’d arrived at her apartment with her presents to find Rose holding her while she let it all out.

 

Over the past few days, she’d tried a number of emotions on for size. First, there was self pity, cursing herself for her caution while adding to the torture by either replaying what she saw over and over in her mind or asking herself ‘what if’. 

 

Second, came anger, but it was short-lived. Who could she be angry at? Ben who was single and she’d told repeatedly that she wasn’t the dating type? Jessika who was also single and actively looking for a good man? How could she really be angry at two people who had done nothing wrong? The only person she could be angry with was herself. 

 

Third and worst of all was confusion. Confusion at where she went from all this. She’d already tried getting over him by getting under Flip, and it simply didn’t work. It was like being stuck in purgatory, unable to go back to her old ways but unable to move forward.

 

Groaning, she tipped back in her desk chair, spinning as she tried to think of something to write about. 

 

“Working hard?” A cheery voice quipped behind her. Rey stopped her chair, her head spinning as she did. Standing there was the last face she wanted to see.

 

“Jess, hey,” she said uncomfortably, plastering a false smile on her face, “What’s up?”

 

“I’ve been busy down on the 13th floor but I wanted to stop by and just thank you for inviting me to your birthday!” She gushed, “I had the best time!”

 

“I’ll bet,” Rey said, grabbing a pen to give her nervous hands something to do, “Rose did all the planning really but I’m glad you enjoyed it,”

 

“I did. Meeting Ben too was amazing, he’s so cute!” She enthused. Rey stopped twirling the pen, the squeezing the feeble plastic in her hand.

 

“Yeah, he’s, uh, pretty awesome,” she mumbled awkwardly. Jessika nodded, a blush spreading on her cheeks.

 

“He is and between us, such a good kisser,” she winked, “We’ve been messaging and we’re going on a date this weeken-“

 

“That’s great, Jess. Really,” Rey ground out, the plastic of the pen cracking in her hand, “Listen, Sorry, I have a deadline and I’m really behind on it...I have to get back to work,”

 

“Oh, no problem!” Jessika smiled, “I just wanted to stop by and say thank you!”

 

“Don’t mention it…” Rey said, Jessika walking away from her desk out of earshot, “...ever again,”

 

Writing. Writing was a thing that had to happen. For all she was nursing her own woes, her readers had questions to be answered and she had bills to pay. Crying over hurt feelings wasn't going to earn her a wage.

 

_ Golden rule number 3.3: Make your own damn money  _

 

Deleting the repeated, nonsense sentences, priming her fingers to begin a real opening paragraph, her desk phone rang. She picked up the receiver with annoyance. 

 

“Rey Jackson,” 

 

“Hey, buddy,”

 

_ Jesus fucking Christ _

 

She almost dropped the handset, fumbling and flailing as her heart beat wildly. 

 

“Ah, Ben, hi,” There was nothing casual about her greeting. It was too quick, too pitched and vaguely panicked but he was the last person she’d expected to call.

 

“Are you alright?” 

 

“Yeah. Yes. Great, just a little bit snowed under here,” she answered, “What, uh, what can I do for you?”

 

“Well, I know you normally go for coffee with Rose on your lunch break but I was wondering if you’d make an exception for me today?”

 

She sat up quickly, the action rocking her chair, almost causing her to fall. She grabbed the desk inelegantly.

 

“You want to get coffee?”

 

“If you’re free?”

 

She could say no. She was far too busy with work, snowed under some might even say. Her inner masochist had other ideas. 

 

“Sure, yeah,” she stammered, “Can’t be long though, I really do have work to be getting on with,”

 

“No problem. It’ll be good to see you,” he said. She could practically hear the smile in his voice and it hurt all the more, “Half an hour?”

 

“Half an hour sounds good,”

 

_ I’m an idiot. _

 

00000

 

Ben Solo was a handsome man. This was not news to Rey, she’d had plenty of time to come to terms with it.

 

What she hadn’t considered was that any time she’d spent with Ben had been in casual, social settings. The most formal she’d seen him was her birthday wearing a blazer with jeans.

 

On the way to the park, she’d told herself it would be fine. Much like the cartoon dog sitting in the burning room, everything was just  _ fine _ . She had not taken into account that it was the middle of the working week and Ben was dressed for the office.

 

Appearing at the bench, he was wearing a white button-down shirt tucked into a pair of black dress pants, covered by a knee-length wool coat in a charcoal grey. Her mouth ran dry as he handed her coffee to her.

 

“Long morning?” He asked, taking the seat next to her. She gripped the cup tightly.

 

“Something like that,” she answered, “Look at you all dressed for business,”

 

“Well, some of us have an actual job and don’t get to just swan around in jeans and a leather jacket,” he teased, nudging her. 

 

“How dare,” she laughed in spite of her nerves, “I’ll think you’ll find I work very hard,”

 

“Ah yes, that’s why you’re here having coffee with me,” he laughed, “Anyway, how are you? I haven’t seen you since your birthday,”

 

“Um, great...I’m great,” she lied. 

 

“You said you needed to talk to me. I know you replied to my message but are you sure? Was it something important?” He asked. Rey shook her head, focusing her gaze ahead of them.

 

“No, nothing important,” she insisted, “Just...something stupid about Poe’s birthday next month. It can wait,” Ben nodded, taking a long sip of his own coffee before taking.

 

“I actually did want to talk to you about something,” he said quietly, “I need some advice, I guess you could say,”

 

“Okay, what do you need?” She asked hesitantly. He sighed, looking thoughtful and perplexed at once.

 

“I told you I’m not great with this stuff and I’ve got this date-“

 

“With Jess, yeah she told me,” Rey said, forcing levity, “What do you need me for?”

 

She hadn’t meant it to sound as dismissive as it did, and she regretted it from the injured look he shot her. He was still her friend, right?

 

“Just...how do I play this?” He asked, “I don’t even really know what I want out of it…”

 

“It’s a first date, Ben. Hardly a marriage,” she said, “Be yourself,”

 

“Here’s the thing, I’ve been myself for 31 years and that’s not really working for me,” he smiled, attempting to lighten the mood. 

 

“Then you’ve not been with the right people. You were yourself on our not-a-date and we had a great time…”

 

“Because I wasn’t trying to impress you,” 

 

“Exactly!” Rey exclaimed, losing her patience and desperate to change the subject to anything else, but he was asking for her help. His expression was adorably helpless.

 

“Do you...do you like Jess?” She asked quietly, fighting to keep her voice even. It stung like salt in an open wound when he nodded.

 

“I think I do,”

 

“Then be yourself, because there’s no point in being someone else. If she doesn’t like you for you...then she’s an idiot,”

 

He stared at her intently, regarding her as something akin to a math problem. There was practically heat radiating from the look, Rey fighting to stay in control of herself.

 

It could have been then and there. She could have told him how she felt, they were alone, in a beautiful setting but life wasn’t a movie, it wasn’t a Hallmark moment and if he liked Jessika, she owed him the freedom to explore it without her gumming up the works.

 

But Christ, she wished she knew what he was thinking.

 

“Thank you,” he finally answered sincerely, “I’ll try,” he cleared his throat, abruptly switching the subject, “What about you? Still on your hookup hiatus?”

 

“Something like that,” she laughed weakly, “Anyway, thank you for the coffee but I really do have to get working. I’ve written...zero words out of a few thousand and that won’t do,” she said quickly, standing up, Ben following suit.

 

“Oh, okay. It was good to see you, we need to hang out more. I’ve kinda missed your face,” he said shyly. Her chest constricted, 

 

“I’ve missed your face too,” she smiled sadly, “But hey, now you’ll have Jess to hang out with. You don’t need my face,”

 

“That’s not true. You’re my friend,” he replied. Rey sucked in a breath.

 

“Yeah, I’m your...friend,”

 

Friends supported friends, they wanted them to be happy. She owed him that much. As she began to walk away, he called after her.

 

“Rey, are we alright?” He asked plainly. Returning to him, she swallowed the burning in her throat, blinking back the stinging behind her eyes. Without warning, her body acting on its own, she hugged him tightly, memorizing the scent of his aftershave as he returned the gesture just as tightly.

 

“We’re always alright,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My finger slipped and I made a playlist for this story on Spotify. The tunes that are fueling this tale, check it out if that's your thing!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5qOSCtRibriiMi3JaK1VFy?si=2E1kQkYNRtG4zpJH7cn2zA


	9. I Apologise if You Feel Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another massive thank you to SweetKyloRen and Loveofescapism for being my sounding boards and alpha readers for these chapters! Their input helps me massively and I'm so grateful for their help and enthusiasm.

Work had been hellish on many levels.

 

The writing wasn’t coming to her as easily. She had plenty of past experiences to draw from, and she still was of the opinion that for the single girls out there trying to live exactly as she did, her pages were important, but now it felt tainted with insincerity. How could she write like a bright and breezy singleton when all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball?

 

But she was a professional and her words could be as sassy as they wanted while her heart was still healing. She was Rey, she was always alright and by God, she was determined that if her situation was going to affect anything, work was  _ not _ going to be it.

 

The office was like a minefield. Being friends with Kaydel as well as Rey, Jessika was on her floor often and every flying visit was emotional roulette. 

 

_ Which Rey are we going to get today? Let’s spin the chamber, shall we? _

 

On more sensible occasions, she was at least able to be polite, to smile through gritted teeth, but jealousy was a fickle thing and it didn’t want to listen to reason. When she felt the green-eyed monster preparing to open her mouth for her, that was her cue to take a walk and get as far away as possible.

 

Still, it wasn’t easy when she could hear Jessika gushing to Kaydel only a few feet away from her own desk.

 

“I’m so excited, you’ve no idea! He was kinda shy to start with at the party but he’s actually really nice, and funny too!” Jessika dished, Rey, grinding her back teeth and cursing the office ‘no headphone’ policy. 

 

Now it was a Saturday night and instead of donning her shortest hotpants, highest heels and deepest red lipstick, Rey was comfortable in a pair of yoga pants and her old NYU sweatshirt. It was easy, quiet and she could mope in peace. 

 

Just as she was deciding between pizza and Thai food, her buzzer rang.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, staring with confusion at Rose as she walked past into Rey’s apartment, complete with shopping bags.

 

“I’m here to see you!” Rose exclaimed, dumping them in the kitchen, Rey following.

 

“Isn’t it ‘date night’ for you and Finn?” Rey asked, leaning in the kitchen doorway as Rose began to unpack her goods. The smaller girl stopped, turning to her friend as if the answer was obvious.

 

“Babe, I know what’s happening tonight. Did you really think I was going to leave you here alone? No, I am still your wing woman and I’m here for you,” she began to unpack again, Rey coming up behind to wrap her and a tight hug.

 

“Thank you,” she said sincerely, “So, what is all this then?”

 

“We are going to get you through this the old fashioned way!” Rose declared, “We have ice cream, cookies, wine, candy, more wine and a collection of the worlds best movies for heartbreak,”

 

“Christ, and here I thought I was a cliche on my damn birthday,” Rey sniggered, following Rose through to the living room with a handful of sugary treats. Rose stopped in front of the PlayStation with a selection of DVDs, “This one first I think,”

 

“What is it?”

 

“The Notebook,” Rose said. Rey stopped in her tracks.

 

“The Notebook? The guy I like is dating another girl tonight and you want me to watch a movie about a couple who have a love so strong that they both die together in the same hospital bed?!” Rey cried, “Jesus fucking Christ, do you  _ want _ me to take a bath with a live toaster?”

 

“I want you to believe that love exists and just because this one isn’t working out, doesn’t mean it can’t happen,” Rose said evenly, “I also really want you to look at Ryan Gosling in a wet shirt, I know that always cheers me up,”

 

“Touche,” Rey rolled her eyes, grabbing the pack of chocolate cookies, “Urgh, fine. You put it in and I’ll order the food,” she said, pulling out her phone and opening Ubereats.

 

“I am proud of you, you know,” Rose said, “I had to admit, I thought that you’d be straight back out to the bars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, you know I can’t exactly talk, but I don’t think it’s the healthiest thing with your headspace being the way it is,”

 

“I just...I don’t want to,” Rey shrugged, “It wasn’t feeling good before I saw that stupid kiss. I doubt it’ll feel good now. Pad Thai for you?”

 

“Yes please,” Rose answered, “I mean, it is just a first date, have you ever thought of just...telling him how you’ve been feeling now before it goes any further?” Rey shook her head.

 

“All week I’ve been hearing how excited Jessika is for this stupid night. You know her, she’s looking for ‘the one’. I’d be the girl who stole him away from her and I’ve never been that person. Besides, Jess is good. She’d been good for someone like Ben,”

 

“If you ask me, you’d be good for him too,” Rose pouted, pouring them both a large glass of rose wine, Rey gladly accepting the drink as the movie began to play.

 

“Well, you’re the one showing The Notebook to a heartbroken woman so I’m not sure how valid your opinion is,” Rey laughed, turning to her TV, “Come on Ryan, make me believe in love!”

 

A bottle of wine between them with a second one popped, thirty dollars of Thai food and a whole lot of ice cream later, Rey and Rose lay in a heap on her sofa. Against her better judgment, she was actually enjoying the movie. Becoming engrossed in another couples woes turned out to be a decent distraction but as tears rolled down her face watching Noah visit Allie’s hospital bed, her own heartache began to resurface.

 

“What do you think they’re doing now?” she asked quietly into the darkness of the living room, the TV the only illumination. Rose sniffed loudly.

 

“Don’t do that,” she replied firmly, sitting up with a degree of difficulty. 

 

“Do what?”

 

“That. Think about it. You’re going to drive yourself insane,” Rose said. Rey sighed, sinking further into the cushions. Her friend had a point, that way madness did lie, but it was near impossible not to imagine it. They fell into silence once more, Rey breaking it minutes later.

 

“Do you think he’s kissed her again?”

 

“Oh my God, Rey!” Rose snapped, “Do  _ not _ do this to yourself!”

 

“I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do!” She said, at a loss, “I feel like I’m going to explode!”

 

“How about relaxing a little, huh? A nice hot bath, maybe?” Rose suggested, equally as bereft of ideas. Rey scowled.

 

“How come when a guy gets his heart broken the response is always ‘get back out there’ but when a girl goes through it, it’s all ‘try yoga’ and ‘take a bath’? Cause you know what, I’ve met a lot of guys and some of them could really do with a bath!” she ranted, her frustration spilling into the ridiculous. 

 

“Do you  _ want _ to get back out there?” Rose questioned. Rey downed the last of her wine glass, the alcohol making her feel better and worse all at once.

 

“No,” she choked, her eyes welling up, “I don’t. I...I don’t know what to do with these feelings anymore. I want what’s best for him, and I don’t think that’s me...but I wish it was,”

 

As fast as her junk food and wine burdened body would allow, Rose was by her side, pulling her into a tight hug as the floodgates opened. Rey’s face buried against her chest, Rose patiently stroked her best friends hair as she sobbed. Rose muttered soothing words that fell on deaf ears. She’d been waiting for this all night, wine bringing it all to the surface.

 

“Babe, I wish I had answers for you,” Rose sighed, “I wish I could make this better but, you  _ are _ good enough okay? For Ben or anyone, you are enough and you have so many people who love you just the way you are. I know it doesn’t make you feel better now, but still, you should be told,”

 

“Thank you,” Rey replied, her voice thick with tears and muffled by Rose’s shirt, “I’m sorry I cried all over your top,”

 

“I can get another top,” the girl smiled, “Listen, if you decide to tell him, I’m here for you. If you want to step aside and let him see where things go with Jess...I’m here for you too, we all are,”

 

Rey nodded shakily, sucking in a sharp breath to pull herself together. Sugar, alcohol, and tears made for a killer headache.

 

“So, what should we watch now?” Rey asked, forcing a smile that didn’t fool Rose for a second.

 

“Well, the chick flicks clearly aren’t working. What about Logan Lucky? I hear it’s pretty good?”

 

Rey agreed, wiping her eyes on the sleeves of her sweater.

 

00000

 

For some, getting the date was the hard part. For Ben, he felt like his trials were just beginning.

 

Jessika was sweet, easy to talk to. At least she had been when he was three whiskey shots deep. Swapping messages had helped ease his nerves slightly, knowing that after the party she still wanted to talk to him.  

 

They’d arranged to go for a few drinks and a show at a comedy club near Times Square. His thinking being at least if he ran out of things to talk about, the acts would be a welcome distraction. 

 

She’d asked him if he knew any bars they should go to. The Baby Grand had immediately come to mind but he stopped himself before the suggestion. It was Rey’s place. While she probably wouldn’t have minded, he felt the odd compulsion to keep them separate.

 

Instead, he chose some random cocktail bar nearby that Poe insisted wasn’t a neon hellhole. It wasn’t perfect but then Jessika was hardly giving him anything to go on.

 

_ <Ben> Any ideas where you’d like to go? _

 

_ <Jessika> Anywhere will be great :) x _

 

As he dressed, it was hard not to compare his feelings to the last date he’d been on.

 

_ Not-Date _

 

He remembered tearing through his wardrobe to find something to wear, anxiously trying to decide between a black shirt and a navy one. Still, his nerves had always been edged with excitement. Even knowing she was only spending time with him as a friend was enough because he wanted to know her. All of her.

As he threaded his belt through his jeans, his phone ringing on the bed, his emotions felt ambiguous.

 

“Poe, what can I do for you?” he answered.

 

“Just calling to wish you luck on your date. Everything sorted?” Poe asked cheerily. Ben exhaled slowly.

 

“Yeah, all good. Tables are booked,” he answered. Poe tutted on the other end.

 

“Well, are you at least looking forward to it?” He asked. Ben screwed up his face thoughtfully. 

 

“Yeah, I suppose I am,” he replied, listening to Poe bark an incredulous laugh.

 

“Wow, with that kind of enthusiasm you’d think you were about to file taxes,” he chuckled, “I thought you liked this girl?”

 

“I do!” Ben insisted, “I do like her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be going but you know...it’s just a first date. Hardly a marriage,” he said, echoing Rey’s words earlier in the week.

 

“At least you have a date tonight,” 

 

“Why, what are you doing?” Ben asked, picking up his jacket and checking for the essentials like his wallet and keys.

 

“Ah, I’m just heading to a movie with Finn. Rose has stolen my wing-woman for the evening, think they’re having a girls night,” Poe explained. Ben stopped his movement, grabbing the phone from between his ear and shoulder with interest.

 

“Girls night out?” he asked, attempting to remain nonchalant.

 

“Nah, night in at Rey apartment. No boys allowed apparently,” Poe laughed, “I’d like to imagine pillow fights in their underwear but I know it’s going to be sweats, wine and a whole lot of girly chat,”

 

“Oh, cool,” Ben replied, somewhat relieved for reasons he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Rey was single, she could do what she liked without his permission, “Anyway, I need to go, I’m going to be late,”

 

“Alright, knock ‘em dead tiger!”

 

00000

 

Jessika was as lovely as he remembered.

 

They spoke easily, much to his relief, sticking to gentle subjects like work, friends, and hobbies. While she talked, he regarded her carefully, trying to hide his thoughts with a pleasant smile and the occasional obligatory nod. 

 

It was clear that she liked him, of that he didn’t need to worry. Her smile was wide, her eyes softly fixed on him as he spoke, occasionally flicking to his mouth. When he said something vaguely amusing, she laughed, her voice like a bell. Every action was alluring, designed to send out as many open and inviting vibes as possible. 

 

“And I was telling Rey that I just  _ love _ her column,” she purred, “Have you read any of it?” Ben couldn’t help but smirk, sarcasm bubbling in his response.

 

“Do I read a woman’s magazine?” He responded, “I’m hardly your demographic,” 

 

“Well, you should! Her advice is amazing, you might even learn something,” 

 

“Maybe I will, she hasn’t steered me wrong yet,” he said. Jessika picked up her cocktail, a bright pink number that smelled far too sweet for Ben’s taste.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Ah, it’s nothing. We went out and she showed me this great little place,” he muttered, “Doesn’t matter,”

 

“I didn’t know you two had gone out,” Jessika said quietly. Ben shook his head.

 

“Just as friends, it wasn’t a date. Rey made it very clear that it wasn’t a date!” he insisted, watching Jessika relax.

 

“That sounds like Rey,” She smiled, sipping her cocktail, “I love her, but she’s not the dating type,”

 

“So I’ve been told,” Ben said flatly, finishing his glass, “Shall we? Show starts in fifteen,”

 

Her smile was bright as she nodded, standing to put on her coat. They left the bar, her hand grabbing his boldly while they walked. His body tensed at the sudden contact but he didn’t have it in him to pull away, to create an awkward moment in what was the middle of their evening. 

 

Soon though, he found himself relaxing into it. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d held hands with someone. It was nice, comforting even, that little piece of connection. When her hair moved, he could smell the sweetness of her flowery perfume. Not unpleasant but different from the scent of wood sage and sea salt that he’d come to associate with a rush of endorphins.

 

The show had been enjoyable, while some of the acts hadn’t been to Jessika’s taste, overall she’d laughed. She’d had a good time and that’s all he could have hoped for. Walking hand in hand out of the comedy club, the two-drink minimum and fresh air made them both giddy. 

 

“So, I’m going to get a cab,” Jessika said as they stood together on the street, her body close to his as she looked up at him through her long, dark lashes, “I had such an amazing time tonight,” her eyes looked to his lips again, her chin tilted just enough. 

 

He gazed down at her, evaluating the night at breakneck speed in his head, weighing up the decision she was putting to him. When the chips were down, he  _ had _ enjoyed himself. She was a beautiful, sweet girl who wanted to get to know him and he owed himself the chance that it could turn into something great.

 

Like a seed planted, perhaps it could grow.

 

Leaning down, he brushed his lips against hers, the taste of sweetened vodka still on her tongue.

 

00000

 

“Urgh, I hate these prices,” Poe moaned, a large bag of popcorn in one arm. Finn was next to him, happily slurping on his raspberry ice blast, “Honestly, it shouldn’t cost this much for popcorn!”

 

“They gotta make their money somehow,” Finn shrugged, “Besides, that was the deal. I’ll get the tickets if you get the food,”

 

“Yeah and I’m starting to think you conned me into that one,” Poe drawled, helping himself to a handful of sweet and salted as Finn fished the tickets out of his pockets, handing them to the checker, “Wonder what the girls are doing?”

 

“Ah, you know, probably watching movies, eating food…” 

 

“That’s what  _ we’re _ doing. I still don’t get why they couldn’t come with,” Poe said as they made their way to the theatre, “We could have made a night out of it. Dinner, movie and all that stuff,”

 

“Rey probably didn’t want to leave the house tonight,” Finn surmised, “She’s still pretty cut up, you know?”

 

They sat down in their seats, Poe still stuffing his mouth with popcorn.

 

“Cut up about what? I didn’t know she was upset,” he said concerned, “Is she alright?”

 

“I mean, it’s Rey, she’s always alright as she says,” Finn smirked, “But, she was pretty devastated over Ben. Not seen her like that over a guy in...years,” Poe stopped chewing.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Yeah, Ben and his whole date with Jessika?” Finn said. Poe continued to stare at him as if he’d grown a second head.

 

“What about it?”

 

“Well, come on, you know she’s totally in love with him right?” 

 

The quiet of the movie theatre was broken by the sound of Poe choking on his popcorn, smacking his chest as he gasped for air. 

 

“Wait, what? Are...are you fucking kidding me?” he gasped, his throat still rough. Finn shook his head.

 

“You can’t honestly tell me you didn’t know?” Finn said, “That’s why she left the party without seeing anyone. She was devastated,”

 

“But...Oh my God, and I told her not to get with him,” Poe groaned, “Do you think that’s totally the reason she hasn’t told him?” Finn shook his head again.

 

“Nah, there’s more to it than that, but now she thinks he’s happy going out with Jess, she’s trying to take the high road. She doesn’t want to get in his way,” he explained, “but I’m sure you probably didn’t help…”

 

“Oh my God...OH MY GOD!” Poe exclaimed loudly, someone shushing him from a few rows behind as the screen darkened, the movie beginning.

 

“Just forget it and watch the movie,” Finn said, “We’ve been waiting years for Endgame,”

 

“Yeah...right,” Poe mumbled to himself, staring at the screen blankly. 

 

_ Holy shit. I'm an idiot... _


	10. Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't lie, I am super nervous about posting this chapter and the reactions it's going to get! Major thank you to Sweetkyloren and Loveofescapism who have been amazing feedback buddies, encouraging me to stay true to the story I want to tell, regardless of how people perceive it.
> 
> Polite reminder: This isn't Hallmark. People are volatile, emotional and unreasonable. This is HBO Dramalama baby, and the pain train has a few more stops before I make it sweet.
> 
> Take a deep breath, maybe get some tissues...

**_Ladies,_ **

 

**_I’ll level with you, things have been turbulent but I think this is a good time to let you guys know something very important._ **

 

**_You ready?_ **

 

**_You are never the same person all the time. Did that just blow your mind? If it did, you’re not alone. We are told by society, by the media, that we have to be one thing and when our particular niche is found, we’re shoved into a file and expected to act that way all the time._ **

 

**_I’m here to tell you that you’re allowed to be whoever and whatever you want to be, whenever you want to be it. You can be the party girl who doesn’t go home with someone or you can be the Ph.D. graduate who doesn’t know how to boil an egg and everything in between._ **

 

**_People are complex. No one person is the same as another._ **

 

**_That’s what makes the world so confusing and amazing all at once…_ **

 

It’s a universally acknowledged fact that life continued on no matter how badly you wanted time to stop.

 

Weeks dragged on and Rey threw herself into her work. The acute pain she felt had slowly subsided to a dull ache in her chest that she carried with her like a brand. Cutting him off wasn’t an option. Even if it hurt she wanted him to be happy, and still in her life, but hearing through Jessika that their date had gone well was difficult, her brain begging for the sweet schadenfreude of the girl telling her that it wasn’t happening for them.

 

But it was and, apparently, they were getting on well. 

 

Not that she heard any of this from him. It was always from Jessika and her well-meaning trips to the 25th floor, to visit her friends on her breaks. Rey wasn’t cracking pens in her anxious fingers anymore, but that didn’t mean she looked forward to the girl's appearance. It was nothing personal, she still liked Jessika as a person, but the situation was complicated.

 

She spoke to Ben often, sending messages back and forth about nothing in particular. Her heart would flutter seeing his name on the screen, she’d smile at his words and for the briefest of moments, she’d forget that he wasn’t hers. He was her friend, that was enough right?

 

_ <Ben> What’s the big deal anyway? x _

 

_ <Rey> The big deal? It’s a huge deal! x _

 

_ <Ben> It’s sports… x _

 

_ <Rey> Ice Hockey is so much more than a sport! I’m telling you, two tickets to the Rangers at MSG and I’ll change your mind x _

 

_ <Ben> You’re on! X _

 

“Everyone, can I have your attention please?” Amilyn was standing in the middle of the office as Rey looked up from her computer screen to stand, congregating to hear Amilyn a little clearer. 

 

“What’s going on?” She asked Kaydel, the blonde girl shrugging.

 

“Who knows,” she said, “There are people from other floors here as well, must be something important. Do you know?” She asked Jessika, standing on her other side.

 

“Not a clue,” she said, just as interested as everyone else.

 

“Maybe if you stopped talking we’d find out!” Gwen hissed impatiently. Amilyn cleared her throat.

 

“As you all know, it’s been a huge year for Rebel Girl magazine and I have to thank every single one of you for your outstanding dedication and work,” she beamed at her employees, “I’m pleased to announce that we have been honored by The New York Press Club in multiple categories this year! Please, give yourselves a round of applause!”

 

The group clapped for each other, grinning proudly at the news.

 

“To celebrate, the company are inviting you all to a well deserved black tie event at the Four Seasons,” she announced, “If you all check your inbox, details will be sent to you later today. Congratulations again, everyone!”

 

Rey smiled to herself. At least her work life was going well, but the smile soon dropped overhearing Jessika and Kaydel as she made her way back to her desk.

 

“So, another date with Ben tonight?” Kaydel asked. Jessika nodded enthusiastically.

 

“And it’s a big one,” she grinned, “I’ve been trying to...y’know, for a while...but tonight he’s coming over to my place. Candles, music, wine...oh my God, it’s going to be perfect!”

 

There was a satisfaction knowing they hadn’t slept together yet, but a cold pit formed in her stomach feeling the inevitably of the evening. Jessika knew what she wanted, she was coming to play and since they’d been getting on so well together, it was really only a matter of time.

 

But who was she to judge?

 

_ Golden rule number 3b: Don’t be a hypocrite _

 

Her phone rang and she grabbed the receiver to answer, sinking back in her seat.

 

“Rey Jackson,”

 

“Rey, girl, we are going out!” Rose announced down the line. Rey stopped her twirling.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Out. We’re going out, tonight,” she repeated, “So think of an outfit!”

 

“Alright,” She smiled, “A little ego boosting flirt session couldn’t hurt...”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Rose said cheerily, “Come on, you, me, Finn and Poe. Some drinks, a dance? There’s no need for you to hook up unless you want to…”

 

Rey sighed with a smile. Rose had a point. Over the past few weeks, as she’d pulled herself out of her initial funk, she’d joined her friends on the town. She’d flirted, allowing the attention to give her a boost, but nothing had gone further. 

 

“I’m not really intending it. Still not that interested. Anyway, where are we going?”

 

“Yes! Okay, it’s this really cool place in the Lower East called Lucky 7. You’re going to love it, perfect for an edgy little hipster like you,” Rose teased down the phone, drawing a genuinely laugh from her friend.

 

“Sounds good to me. Just the four of us?”

 

“Just the four of us,”

 

00000

 

Poe had been blissful in his ignorance.

 

He thought he understood how it all worked, where everyone stood. He’d assumed when he’d told Rey not to go for Ben that any potential infatuation was based on the thrill of the hunt, on making his close friend a target. He’d only had Ben’s best interests in mind.

 

Now? Now he knew things. Now he had facts the moral dilemma was tearing him in two. Ben was seemingly happy, his relationship with Jessika only growing closer. Was it fair to tell him that the girl he’d been developing feelings for, the same girl he thought unobtainable, was pining just as much?

 

What if it only made things worse? 

 

Poe groaned, rubbing his hand over his stubbled face. Feelings were too messy for his liking and he wished Finn hadn’t said anything. Now he was being sucked into the emotional quagmire. 

 

He’d been sitting on the information for weeks, wondering what to do. It had the potential to make two of his closest friends happy, or it was the equivalent of throwing a live grenade between them. The damage could be catastrophic.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Ben asked, appearing outside his office where they’d arranged to meet, “You look pale as fuck!”

 

“Uh, nothing. I’ve just not been sleeping that great,” Poe sighed, “You wanted to talk?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah I did,” Ben said uncertainty as they started to walk in the direction of his apartment.

 

“I take it you’ve not changed your mind about tonight? Lucky 7?” Poe asked. 

 

“I can’t, I’m seeing Jessika and that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he said nervously, “I’m going over to her place tonight,”

 

“Oh.  _ Oh _ . Right, okay...so you guys haven’t…”

 

“No,” Ben said shortly, “We’ve not. I know she’s keen as hell,”

 

“And you haven’t been?” Poe asked. Ben could feel the heat creeping across his skin, his ears turning pink.

 

“You know me, man...Its just...I’m not great with this stuff,” He mumbled, “I don’t want to let her down and I know that if we do this it’s just adding more pressure to make things really official,” 

 

Poe kept his gaze even, staring straight ahead as he swallowed thickly.

 

“And you don’t want that?”

 

“I didn’t say that!” Ben protested, “I just...I really do like her. She’s great. I’m moving on,”

 

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there,” Poe commented, his words threatening to bubble up unbidden.

 

“It just takes time for me,” he snapped, “That’s all,”

 

But it hadn’t taken time with Rey and Poe knew it. It had taken one night of decorating with friends and an evening in each others company. He bit the inside of his cheek hard.

 

“What if there’s another reason?”

 

“And what might that be?” Ben asked, stopping to stare quizzically at his flustered friend, “Poe, what do you know?”

 

“Uh, nothing...forget it,”

 

“No, tell me!”

 

“I...alright, fine,” He groaned, preparing to pull the metaphorical pin on the grenade, “Rey...loves you,”

 

Ben stood silently, his face a blank mask as he processed the three words that caused his brain to short circuit.

 

“She...what?” he breathed, his face confused, dark brows knitting together over darker eyes. Poe sighed, both relieved for finally telling his burden but nervous of the damage it might cause.

 

“Rey is in love with you,” he said again tentatively, “She has been for a while now…”

 

“No, that’s not possible,” Ben denied, “ _ She _ is the one who always said that she didn’t date, she didn’t want anything…”

 

“I don’t know what else to tell you, man. You got together with Jessika and she was crushed,” Poe explained sadly, “I don’t know if that changes anything but...you had to know…”

 

Ben clenched his jaw, shaking his head sharply. 

 

“It...it doesn’t change anything,” he said firmly, but Poe spied the lack of conviction in his face, “I need to go. I’ve got to see Jessika tonight,” he said, shoving his hands in his coat pocket to walk away quickly.

 

Poe watched him. The turmoil behind his eyes, the way his jaw moved as he thought, his shoulders tense as he walked away. He’d known Ben long enough to recognize a pending implosion. The smaller man sighed heavily, wondering just how far the shrapnel was going to fly.

 

00000

 

His mind had been racing since leaving Poe, his friend's confession knocking the wind out of him like a punch to the gut.

 

_ Rey loves you. _

 

It didn’t make sense to him. She had always insisted that she didn’t date, she wasn’t made for relationships, that she’d been hurt too many times to take the plunge and he’d respected that. 

 

Entering his apartment, he threw his coat over his sofa, growling in frustration.

 

The news should have made him feel elated, and it would have if he’d only heard it a month earlier. Now, he was seeing Jessika, another beautiful girl who didn’t deserve to be tossed aside like she was nothing. He was finally,  _ finally _ , growing comfortable in his own skin around someone who could be good for him, someone he could move on with, be happy with.

 

Then he remembered how guarded Rey had been, how she’d brushed off his question by telling him they were alright. Something inside his chest hurt, constricting as he tried to take a deep breath. He’d spoken to her about Jessika, asked her advice. How much had he salted the open wound she’d inadvertently made herself?

 

He couldn’t think of that now. He had plans.

 

Stripping down, he stepped into a scalding hot shower, begging the water to cleanse him of his confusion, but as he closed his eyes, his hair saturated, nothing felt clear anymore.

 

00000

 

Lucky 7 was an interesting bar and as Rose had pointed out, certainly one for the hipsters of the city.

 

It was found inside the bottom of an old tenement building. The main part of the venue resided on the bottom floor, walls of the old apartment knocked through to make way for seating while a bar had been placed at the front. The old wallpaper and decorations remained, making the place look like something between a speakeasy and a squat while bathed in sensual red lighting. 

 

“Alright, I’ll admit. This place is pretty cool!” Rey said, taking the place in. 

 

At only 9 pm, the bar was already starting to fill with people. It wasn’t fancy. There was an easy going vibe in the air but the bass of the electronic music pulsed through the walls. She was glad she’d only opted for a pair of denim shorts, a tank top, and Dr. Marten boots. At the end of the bar, she spied a tall, fair-haired guy who offered her a smile. She returned it, reveling in the fact she’d made a hot guy turn his head.

 

_ Still got it. _

 

“What will you have?” Rose asked, leaning on the bar with Finn by her side.

 

“Ah, just make mine an Old Fashioned,” Rey said, her clutch firmly in her hand, “I think I’ll just be nursing one or two tonight. Poe, what do you want?” 

 

“Huh? What?” he said, snapping out of his own thoughts. Rey frowned.

 

“I asked what you wanted. What’s with you? You’ve been so distracted tonight,” she commented, taking her own drink from the bar. Poe chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head.

 

“Nothing at all. I’m all good,” he said, “I’ll just take a jack and coke,” Rey eyed him suspiciously.

 

“Alright, but you know I’ll find out eventually,”

 

Poe only laughed again, pitched and unsure. That was exactly what he was afraid of.

 

00000

 

Ben knocked on the door of Jessika’s apartment in the East Village, fixing a false smile on his face when she opened the door.

 

“There he is,” she cooed, “Come on in and let me take your coat,” she smiled, helping him slip the long wool garment off his shoulders. 

 

“Nice place,” Ben commented, Jessika leading him through to her living room. 

 

He sharply inhaled, his nostrils assaulted by the scent of vanilla candles. The place was glowing with them, soft ambient light joining the wine she’d poured on the table. On closer inspection, he could see how much effort she’d gone to. Her makeup was light but highlighted her best features and she wore a black slip of a dress lined with lace. Everything about the place screamed sex, his already frayed nerves set further on edge.

 

He accepted the glass she handed him, taking a large gulp of the red wine as she joined him on the sofa.

 

“I’m so glad you could come over. I think it’s good to get to know each other in private, don’t you?” she said huskily, drinking her own wine and leaving a faint lipstick mark on the glass. 

 

“Uh, yeah…it’s great. Really...really great,” he stammered uncertainly. She moved closer to where he sat, reaching out to caress his cheek.

 

“You seem tense, is everything okay?” she asked softly, her doe eyes glinting in the gentle light. He swallowed, sipping more of his wine.

 

“I’m fine,” he lied, “Really, It’s just been...a long as hell day,” 

 

“Poor you,” she purred, lifting the glass from his hand to place it on the table, “Let me help you,”

 

Her lips tasted of merlot, her tongue caressing his as she pressed her body to his. The thin fabric of her dress left nothing to his imagination, her nipples growing hard as she rubbed against him.

 

Endorphins took over, his arms coming around her waist as he worked on instinct. It was more than clear what she wanted from him, his eyes fluttering as her hand palmed the front of his jeans. Swinging her leg over, she straddled his waist, the friction between them causing him to groan lightly. Flushed and panting, she was a lovely vision in the candlelight.

 

“Ben…”

 

But it wasn’t what he wanted.

 

Her hand had undone his belt, the fly of his jeans, making it’s way past his waistband to grasp his cock when he stopped her.

 

“Jess, wait…”

 

“What’s wrong?” she breathed, her wrist in his grasp. Ben shook his head, his face unsure and panicked.

 

“I can’t do this,” he mumbled, “I...I’m sorry…” he carefully lifted her off his body, securing his trousers. Jessika stared up at him, hurt and confused.

 

“Is it me?” she asked, “Did I do something?”

 

“No! Uh, no it’s not...I just…fuck,” he stammered, “I need to go...there’s something I have to do!”

 

He felt like a pressure cooker, tension building in his chest and he didn’t know if he wanted to scream or hit something. This wasn’t fair. He could have been happy, he could have been settled then the truth was dropped on him like the sky falling down. Grabbing his phone from his pocket as he emerged from the building onto the street, he checked his previous messages from Poe.

 

_ <Poe> If you’re coming with, we’re heading to Lucky 7. I’ve sent you the address _

 

00000

 

All the cab ride had served to do was frustrate him further, offering him time to replay the awkwardness of his departure from Jessika’s over and over.

 

How was he going to explain this to her? 

 

_ Sorry, I couldn’t fuck you, I was terrified to begin with then it turned out another girl I had a thing for actually does like me back and now I have no idea what I’m doing… _

 

There was no excuse he could think of that would cushion that blow.

 

Throwing money to the driver, he stepped out of the cab, staring at the entrance to the bar, the neon sign shining in the tenement windows in scarlet red. He was frustrated, confused, angry and there was nothing he could do to make sense of it all. Speaking to Poe seemed like the place to start for some clarity.

 

Pushing his way inside, the whole building was bathed in the same deep red lighting. At the bar in front, Poe was nowhere to be seen, nor Rose or Finn, but standing there, talking to a tall, fair man was the woman who was making his head spin.

 

The beat of the music pumping like the sound of his own blood, he felt a surge of adrenaline coursing through him, storming up to the bar to pull her away from the man she was talking to. Her eyes were huge, the white almost pink in the lighting.

 

“Ben?!”

 

“Do you love me?” 

 

It was a question that demanded an answer, bursting from him without warning. Wound up like a tightly coiled spring ready to burst at any moment, his face was deadly serious as he watched her mouth open and close, scrambling to find an answer.

 

“I…”

 

“Is it true, are you in love with me?” He repeated urgently, towering over her. She nodded, the movement small and nervous.

 

“How did you know?” she rasped, her own accelerated heartbeat causing her hands to shake. 

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Ben said, his face pained, “How long?”

 

“Does that really matter?” 

 

“Yes, it does to me. How long, Rey?” he demanded. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the conversation to end. Of all the ways she’d expected the truth to appear, this had not been it.

 

“A while…” she whispered softly, her voice barely audible over the music, “I realized a while ago, I just didn’t want to admit it...I was scared...”

 

Ben pinched between his brows, breathing heavily. She was scared? She was scared and now _her_ fears had come back to bite  _ him _

 

“Was it before I got with Jessika?” he asked. Rey nodded mutely. Ben cursed under his breath, growling with frustration.

 

“So you mean that while you were telling me, constantly that you didn’t get attached to people, that you didn’t  _ do _ dating, you had feelings for me?” he accused, “You were lying to me!?”

 

“I didn’t lie to you!” Rey scowled, finally finding her voice, “That was all true, all of it. I didn’t know exactly how I felt, I didn’t want to hurt you or tell you one thing then change my mind the next week. I had to be sure!”

 

“So you just decided to wait until I was getting to know someone else before this bomb gets dropped on me?” he snapped angrily. Rey pulled herself tall straightening her spine to her full height, tilting her chin in defiance as nearby drinkers moved away slightly.

 

“I wasn’t the one who told you, in case you forgot!” she shouted, “I was stepping aside, I was trying to let you go so that you could do whatever with Jess. You can’t hold me responsible because  _ someone else _ told you!”

 

“But now I know, how am I supposed to be with Jessika knowing how you feel about me, huh? This isn’t fair. I was...moving on, I was trying to move on!” he cried, his resentment of it all spilling over.

 

“I...I don’t know. What do you want from me?” She said, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest with you, that I had all the chances and didn’t take them because I was fucking terrified! I thought I was doing the right thing. There’s nothing stopping you from still being with Jessika!”

 

“I’m not like you!” He growled, words tumbling out his mouth before he had a chance to stop and think rationally, “I don’t act like a dumb slut with daddy issues who just fucks around to avoid proble-”

 

The sting across his face cut off the torrent of words he hadn’t realized he was saying. Her slap hadn’t been so hard, but enough to stop his sentence in its tracks. He glanced down at her, the mist of his confused anger subsiding, leaving him with a well of regret as he watched at her devastated face. Silence fell between them, the beat of the music thundering as she stared at her hands in disbelief. 

 

“Rey…”

 

“Is that what you think of me?” she questioned softly, her voice broken as she looked back at him, “Just another dumb slut, huh?” 

 

“I didn’t mean that!” he protested, all his fire diminished but he’d already burned her to ash. She shook her head, stepping away from him.

 

“Fuck you, Ben Solo,” she sniffed, “If that’s who you think I am, fine! I guess that’s who I am...”

 

She turned, storming away from him to the other end of the bar, approaching the man he’d seen her with earlier. Stupefied, helpless, he watched on as she grabbed the strangers hand, the pair leaving the bar together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note - While I think it's amazing this story is getting such an emotional reaction from people, please be polite in the comments.


	11. Nothing Good Comes After Midnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I am bowled over by the response to the last chapter. So many brilliant theories, analysis of Ben and Rey's behavior and thoughts on what's to come. Thank you so much for the positivity as well, It's really the driving force behind this story that has exploded into something so much bigger than I'd ever planned!
> 
> The train is chugging along but after this chapter, we are starting to leave Angst behind and heading more into hurt/comfort territory. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.
> 
> The content of this and the past few chapters were always in the plan;
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING: CHAPTER CONTAINS ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT. PLEASE CHECK THE TAGS.**

“You. Fucking. Said.  _ What _ ?!”

 

Ben could barely look up at the irate Rose standing in front of where he sat on Poe’s sofa. 

 

Shortly after Rey had left, Poe found him at the bar, still staring at the exit in a trance as a cold trickling sense of dread dripped down his spine. Barely able to articulate what had happened past the words ‘fight’, ‘Rey’ and ‘fucked up’, Poe had rallied the group back to his place to assess the situation as it stood.

 

He forced himself to look at the girl with glassy eyes. His gut churned like oil drifting on water, his chest still tight. The minute her slap had stung his skin, stopping his tangent, he realized what he’d done. What he’d said in his anger. Like smothering a flame, all the was left was an acrid sense of regret.

 

“I didn’t mean it! It just...I was angry and I couldn’t stop fucking talking!” Ben croaked, his eyes growing damp as he wrung his hands together anxiously. Rose stood silently, her hands firmly on her hips.

 

“I’m going to fucking murder you!” she dashed forward, only to be caught around the waist by Finn.

 

“Babe, calm down,” he said evenly, “I’m sure Ben had a good reason for being a complete self-righteous asshole…” Finn finished, his voice venomous. Ben couldn’t hold it against them, he wouldn’t. As far as he was concerned, he deserved it.

 

“What possible reason!?” Rose cried, wrenching herself free of Finn’s grip, “Now she’s out there, we don’t know where she went, or who she’s with! That is  _ not _ like Rey. You know it’s not!”

 

Poe stood quietly, leaning against the wall with a very strong drink in his hand, chewing his lip absently. Guilt gnawed at him, picking away alongside the little voice in his head that reminded him if he’d only kept his mouth shut.

 

“I wish I hadn’t said anything,” he muttered, Rose turning to glare at him.

 

“I wish you  _ both _ hadn’t said anything!” she snapped, indicating Finn who had the decency to look sheepish, “Gossiping little man bitches the lot of you! Well, let me tell you this, if  _ anything _ has happened to my best friend, I’m going to personally castrate each of you!”

 

“Rose, chill, she’ll be fine,” Finn said tentatively, “She started kitestring when we got into the bar. She’ll check in, we’ll know where she’s gone, and you can talk to her,”

 

“You better be right,” she said dangerously, still glaring at Ben as he leaned forward on his knees, staring blankly at the floor.

Jessika had tried calling him multiple times but that was a situation he could barely focus on, not when he’d fucked up so badly. The most frustrating thing was that he had no good answer for his reasons, nothing beyond feeling so exceptionally lost, frustrated and confused that he lashed out saying unfair, untrue things.

 

“What do I do now?” he asked helplessly, “I don’t even know how to begin making this up to her,”

 

The room was heavy with a palpable silence to his question but to this surprise, Rose was the first to break it. She sighed, her face softening but still as angry as he’d ever seen her.

 

“Here’s the thing about Rey, believe it or not, she’s actually very forgiving,” she said sternly, “She won’t forget, which is why she is...the way she is. You need to take the first steps to make it right so I’d say apologizing is probably a good start,”

 

He huffed a humorless laugh. Saying something like sorry felt so small like it wasn’t ever going to be enough for how cruel his words were. 

 

“Oh and you need to decide what the fuck you’re doing with your love life,” Rose pointed out, “If you want to be with Jessika, you need to make that clear...to both of them,”

 

Ben groaned, rubbing his hand over his tired face. It was 3 am and his body was ready to give up on him, his brain hardly firing on all cylinders now the adrenaline of his anger was depleted. 

 

He thought of Jessika. The poor girl he’d rejected when he rushed from her apartment. She was lovely, sweet and completely wrong for him. When they were together he missed the fire, the back and forth banter, the excitement of different opinions. Rose was right, he couldn’t keep straddling the fence. It wasn’t fair to Jessika to keep giving her hope when he would never return the feelings she was developing.

 

“I don’t,” he said simply, “I...I love Rey,”

 

Despite her incandescent rage for the man sitting in front of her, Rose felt something tug at her heart. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was a confused one with the communication skills of a lost child and the tact of a bull in a china shop. She smiled gently, in spite of the situation. 

 

“Then you should tell her that and make this right,”

 

Rose’s phone chimed at the same time as the others, each simultaneously ringing or buzzing. The four shared wary expressions with one another, looking around the room before picking up their phones.   
  
_ <Kitestring> Hey, this is Rey. If you’re getting this message then I’ve not checked in within the set time and I need you to give me a call. *Do Not Reply to this message. Sent via Kitestring* _

 

00000

 

Distraction.

 

That’s what she needed, she needed a distraction from the buzzing in her head, the pain in her chest and the stinging behind her eyes. 

 

She’d barely been paying attention when the guy she’d grabbed began walking them away from the bar. He was talking, she was sure of it, but all she could hear were muffled sounds.

 

Her mind still spun, replaying his words over and over. She hadn’t lied, she’d simply kept her truth to herself and somehow trying to do right by him, she was still the bad guy. Maybe he’d been upset, maybe there was a reason, but if that’s what he thought of her...

 

_ Why fight it then…  _

 

The stranger's arm wrapped possessively around her neck, pulling her close to him as they walked. How long they wandered she didn’t know, she had no destination in mind until they stopped on a dark street. 

 

She felt pressed against the doorway of an apartment building, his weight on her body in the shadow of the alcove. He smelled of oceanic aftershave, of faint cigarettes and the vodka he’d been drinking. 

 

His lips attacked her neck, his hands roaming her body roughly, tugging at her clothes. She closed her eyes, her head tipping against the brickwork and all she could see was Ben.

 

But she didn’t see his anger, his hurt. In the dark, she saw his smile. That stupid, goofy smile that he did when she made him laugh. She saw warmth in his brown eyes when he looked at her, Hamilton, chocolate chip pancakes at midnight and whiskey cocktails. 

 

Despite everything, the wound he’d inflicted on her, she saw something hopeful.

 

But not if she continued on her current path.

 

Her body revolted, everything constructing like a vice squeezing her chest. It was wrong, everything about it felt wrong from his scent to his skin on hers. Gripping his shoulders, just as his hand was undoing the fly of her denim shorts, she pushed him back.

 

“Wait, no...I can’t,” she breathed heavily, “I don’t want this,”

 

The smile she’d found charming at the beginning of the evening, the one that had boosted her ego disappeared, leaving behind a cold, incredulous stare. 

 

“What?” He demanded, “Are you fucking with me?” She shook her head.

 

“No, I don’t want this,” she said more firmly, “I’m going to go home…”

 

He pressed her closer into the alcove of the doorway, standing between her and the empty street. 

 

“Come on baby, just relax a little bit,” he crooned, “I’ll take care of you,”

 

His lips descended on hers, kissing her sloppily as she tried her best to push him away, turning her head all directions frantically.

 

“Shh, just chill,” he ground out, his whole weight pushing her against the building, the rough of the brickwork scratching the back of her bare shoulders. The grip he held on her arm slid up towards her neck, tightening with sinister insistence. She could feel his erection through his pants, his hips grinding against her.

 

“No! Let me go, I don’t want you!” She gasped, wriggling her body as her eyes blurred. 

 

He was larger than her, stronger. She was in a place she didn’t know and for the first time, Rey felt that very particular fear that only women understood. 

 

Clarity through her terror, her survival instincts taking over as his hand pushed past her waistband. She relaxed for only a moment.

 

“That’s it, baby. Let it happen,” he growled. His distraction was all she needed, his lips against hers she lashed out, biting down as hard as she possibly could.

 

The taste of copper made her stomach churn but she couldn’t stop, the man screaming in pain as she landed a hard knee between his legs before landing a final blow of cracking him over the head with her clutch bag. 

 

Dropping to the ground, wailing in pain, she saw her opening. His blood in her mouth, fly still unbuttoned, she ran down the street as fast and far as the burning in her legs would allow.

 

00000

 

One by one, they had tried calling her phone. It had rung out the first time, eventually going straight to voicemail completely.

 

Rose was beside herself, in tears from her worry while Ben was frantic, pacing Poe’s apartment like a caged animal, helpless to do anything other than wait.

 

“Should we go and look for her?” Finn suggested feebly, his own exhausted mind running out of ideas.

 

“It’s New York City, there are a million places she could be,” Poe reasoned, “It’s proven it’s better to wait at some place she’d touch base. Why don’t you and Rose go to her apartment? Rose, you’ve still got a key?”

 

She nodded, wiping her watery eyes.

 

“Okay, Ben and I will stay here and see if anything turns up. Try not to panic yet, could be her phone is just dead and she didn’t have a chance to turn the app alert off?” He suggested reasonably, ever the lawyer. 

 

“She’s never missed an alert ever,” Rose snapped, “I mean it, she’s always so careful!” She turned to Ben with a cutting glare, “This is your fault,” she stated, pointing at him.

 

He was more than aware of the part he played. 

 

“Come on, we can play this game later. Let’s make sure our girl is safe first, huh?” Poe said firmly, Finn ushering Rose out of the apartment.

 

Ben fell back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling.

 

“This is my fault…”

 

“We don’t know if anything has happened,” 

 

“The way she looked at me, Poe, you should have seen it. I’ve never seen someone so...heartbroken and it’s my fault,” he choked, rubbing his red eyes, “I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me…”

 

“Listen, we’re all exhausted. It’s 6 am. Why don’t you try and get a few hours shut-eye in the spare room?” Poe suggested gently, “I’ll keep an eye on the phone and let you know if I hear anything,”

 

“You’ve been awake as long as I have,” Ben pointed out.

 

“Yeah but, we all know whose fault this really is,” Poe said sadly, “It’s mine,”

 

“It’s not-“

 

“No, a lot of it is,” he insisted, “If I had told you sooner or I hadn’t told you at all, things might have been different,”

 

Ben blinked his bleary eyes, his worry, and fatigue at odds with one another. He sighed, pushing his hair out of his face.

 

“Coulda, shoulda, woulda,” he forced a smile, his cheeks tightening with the effort but the action didn’t reach his eyes, “Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” 

 

Poe patted him on the shoulder.

 

“Get some rest,”

 

00000

 

The muscles in her legs burned, practically giving out by the time she stopped running.

 

She gasped for breath, gulping huge volumes of air desperately. Her eyes unfocused, with shaky hands she fixed her shorts and smoothed her shirt. Everything was white noise, fuzzy and confusing like her brain wasn’t comprehending what almost happened to her.

 

Home. She had to get home.

 

Looking around her, she tried to get her bearings, vaguely recognizing that she had somehow made it around Two Bridges. She caught her reflection in a store window. Her makeup was a mess, mascara running down her face, lipstick smudged, mixed with drying traces of blood. 

 

She looked the way she felt.

 

Still breathing heavily, her whole body trembling, she reached for her phone only to find it completely dead. 

 

_ Fucking typical… _

 

Looking forward, she began to make her way towards the Brooklyn Bridge, the sun beginning to rise over the city.

 

00000

 

Get some rest, Poe said.

 

Ben lay awake, staring at the ceiling of Poe’s guest room. Despite being awake for almost 24 hours, there was no way his body would allow him to rest when he was left alone with his tortured thoughts. Blinking rapidly, he tried to dissect the maze of his feelings.

 

He was embarrassed, mortified by how he’d handled Jessika. She’d thrown herself at him, only to have him reject her, offering no explanation or reason. He could practically hear his father’s voice in his head, mocking him for being unable to do the deed, for being too emotional. 

 

_ There was plenty of time for that overreaction after you got your dick wet! Maybe you wouldn’t have been so angry if you’d got your end away first… _

 

The thought made him feel ill. It had always been his problem. Sex for him meant vulnerability, and he’d rarely met anyone he was willing to do that with. Forcing himself to break his virginity in college was an excruciating experience. He respected that not everyone felt as he did about sexual experiences but knowing the awkward conversations it caused with women resulted in him playing defense.

 

He’d thought Jessika could have been that person, but when she kissed him, her slip of a dress giving her intentions away, his mind screamed no, telling him it wasn’t right because she wasn’t who he wanted.

 

Ashamed and confused, he’d lashed out at the person he’d wanted all along. The person he’d been trying to move on from, but couldn’t.

 

His misdirected anger had ruined everything. He had blamed her but lying in the silence of the room with nowhere to look but inward, he felt nothing but regret, knowing that  _ he _ was to blame. She’d been right, she hadn’t lied to him about her feelings. She’d simply said nothing, being the noble one and putting  _ his  _ happiness over her own. He had been the one to force himself into a relationship, to continue to date Jessika when deep down he knew it wasn’t a good fit.

 

And he had hardly been forthcoming with his own feelings. 

 

Fuck, the whole thing was a complete mess. An entanglement of hurt and neurosis. 

 

Next to him, his phone rang. He jumped at the sudden noise, grabbing it as quickly as possible.

 

“Hello?” 

 

His voice was urgent, panicked. He didn’t hold onto hope that it was Rey. Of all the people she would call, he wasn’t sure he was one of them.

 

“Ben, I finally got through to you!”

 

“Jessika...Hi,” he replied uncomfortably.

 

“What happened? Is everything alright?” she asked concerned, “You seemed so freaked out,”

 

“Yeah, um...listen, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could explain everything that was going through my head,” he sighed, “Really, I do…”

 

“Ben, you can tell me anything. You know that,” she said kindly, “I just want to understand,”

 

“I know. Listen, I’m kind of dealing with a situation just now and I need to keep the phone clear. How about we meet for coffee or something tomorrow?”

 

“I’d like that,” he could hear the smile in her voice, another layer of hurt onto the situation.

 

Hanging up the phone, he pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, rubbing furiously. They nipped and stung with exhaustion and tears. 

 

He’d make this right. He’d do whatever he had to uncomplicate the situation they’d caused together.

 

He had to.

 

00000

 

Rose chewed on her nails, pacing Rey’s living room, staring at nothing while Finn sat on the sofa. His body was tense, leaning forward on his knees as they waited in silence.

 

The sound of the door unlocking made Rose run through to the hall, Finn on her heels.

 

“Rey? Oh thank God!” she cried with relief, her face horrified at the sight she found. 

 

Rey shuffled through the door into the hallway like a zombie, her face haunted and filthy with makeup and dried blood. Rose rushed to her side, grabbing her face to try and get the girl to focus on her.

 

“Rey, babe? What happened?” she begged, “Talk to me,”

 

She was home. She was finally home, a friendly, loving face staring at her with concern. Her body spent and sore, she gave in to her grief and safety, sinking to the floor as she broke into harsh sobs that wracked her body. Rose’s arms were around her immediately, joining her on her knees.

 

“Shh, it’s okay,” she soothed, “You’re home now. We’ve got you,”

Rose held her close, glancing up at Finn who looked more panicked than she’d ever seen him. Carefully she examined Rey’s bare skin. Scratches on the backs of her shoulders, bruises greying on her arms, the side of her throat. 

 

“Rey, what happened?” Rose asked softly, her stomach dropping with the suspicion that she already knew, her own lip trembling, “Did...did that guy hurt you?” Silently, Rey nodded, the only sounds she made the harsh pull of air and the occasional hiccup from her cries.

 

“It’s not...he didn’t…I got away,” she stammered, unable to muster the brain power to form her sentence. She wanted to tell Rose that it wasn’t as bad as she thought, that she didn’t have to worry but already her friend was looking up at Finn, silently communicating something Rey didn’t fully understand.

 

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” Rose said gently, helping Rey to her feet on shaky legs and through to the bathroom. Finn watched on, his jaw clenched and eyes hard.

 

“Rose, I’ll be back,” he said firmly, grabbing his jacket. Rose had sat Rey down on the edge of the bathtub, preparing to help take her ruined makeup off.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Poe’s apartment,”


	12. Tobacco In My Sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an announcement for all passengers traveling on the PD3 Pain Train: We will shortly be arriving in Hurt/Comfort station on our way to Healing central. Please collect all belongings and don't forget to be polite in the comments.
> 
> The response to this story has surpassed anything I ever expected. Everyone has such interesting ideas and points of view about the situation between Ben, Rey and everyone else. If you made it this far without killing me or anyone else, well done! We are finally reaching that light at the end of the angst tunnel!
> 
> Updates may slow a little bit. I'm been writing like a mad woman, but my final exam is on June 13th and I MUST pass it!
> 
> Keep those comments coming, I love hearing your thoughts and AS ALWAYS big love to my Alphas (Heh heh heh) sweetkyloren and loveofescapism <3

Poe and Ben had grabbed only a few hours of sleep each, their bodies eventually giving up on them after so long on edge.

 

Having no news to wake up to hadn’t done anything for Ben’s peace of mind, Poe still pacing his living room, trying to work out what steps to take next. It was like trying to figure out where to begin rebuilding after a hurricane. Everything was such a mess, with so many factors at fault it was hard to find the root cause.

 

The door to Poe’s apartment opened, Ben, jumping up from the sofa as Finn stormed in with purpose.

 

“Finn, have you gu-” 

 

A fist collided solidly with his jaw. It wasn’t strong enough to knock him to the floor, but he staggered backward, his knees hitting the sofa to topple him anyway. He clutched his aching face, blinking up at Finn with stars in his eyes.

 

“Finn, what the fuck!?” Poe cried, rushing to stand between his two friends as Finn glared down at Ben with damp eyes, his face anguished as he shook out his hand.

 

“Do you know what happened to her, huh!?” Finn shouted, “What she’s been through?”

 

“What are you talking about? Did Rey come home?” Poe asked, Ben still too shell shocked to speak. Finn nodded, his face still pained.

 

“Oh, she came home alright,” he spat, “Covered in bruises and scratches from where some random asshole attacked her!”

 

“What?” Ben breathed, sitting up with horror in his wide eyes, his face paling, “No…”

 

“Yes! She turned up with blood on her face, looking like she’d been through hell,” he growled, “And this never would have happened if you hadn’t spoken to her like that!”

 

“Hey, come on now,” Poe said firmly, “I know you’re upset but you can’t pin this on Ben, he couldn’t have known…”

 

Poe grabbed Finn by the shoulders, his gaze holding his friends until Finn took a shuddery exhale. His whole body was rigid as he glared down at Ben who was still processing what he’d been told.

 

If he hadn’t acted that way, if he hadn’t shouted at her, she would never have left with the stranger. She would never have been attacked. It wasn’t directly his doing but his actions had further reaching consequences than he ever could have expected.

 

He felt sick.

 

“Where is she now?” he asked, his face distraught. 

 

“She’s at her apartment. Rose is still with her,” Finn answered, “Don’t you  _ dare _ think that you’re going. She won’t want to see you!”

 

“I need to know that she’s alright!” Ben growled, standing his full height, “I need to see her,”

 

“Like hell you are!” Finn snapped, “After how you treated her…”

 

“Enough!” Poe shouted, “Both of you, enough! Look, it’s been a long fucking night, tensions are high and none of us are really thinking straight,” He turned to Finn, “Buddy, I know you’re upset. The important thing is that Rey is back, she’s home and Rose is with her. You  _ can’t _ blame Ben for this, you know that!” Finn nodded reluctantly

 

“I just...she’s like my sister, man,” Finn rasped, his eyes welling with unshed tears. Poe grabbed his friend, squeezing him tightly.

 

“I know, buddy. I know,” releasing Finn, he turned to Ben, “And as for you, I want you to go home. Take a shower, get some proper sleep. Fuck knows I could do with it! We will all deal with this when we’re in a better headspace, alright?”

 

Grudgingly, both men nodded. Ben hated it but Poe was right, nobody was going to be in a fit state for anything unless they took some time. He clutched his jaw, certain that Finn had loosened off a back tooth or two. He still felt ill, the idea of her vulnerable like that making him feel so helpless.

 

Leaving the apartment, he hailed a cab to take him home, his thoughts of Rey the whole way.

 

00000

 

Her head throbbed.

 

It was the first thing she could feel as her eyes slowly opened. She was lying on her side in her own bed, fresh sheets pulled up around her body. Lying next to her was Rose, the girl fast asleep and snoring lightly.

 

It was all coming back to her like a flicker book of images. Her senseless fight with Ben, her indignant need to prove a point by grabbing the stranger, not listening to any of her instincts. She remembered the feel of his hands on her body, his unwanted lips damp on hers, the taste of blood in her mouth as she fought back. Her legs still ached from her escape. The eventual arrival home where she’d broken her heart to Rose.

 

A ghost of a smile appeared, looking at her sleeping friend. Rose really had been a lifesaver, the best thing Rey could have seen when she staggered through the door. She’d taken away the need to make any decisions, holding her as she gave in to her pain. As if in a trance Rey had found herself stripped carefully, put into a warm bath and changed into a pair of fresh PJs. She’d been put to bed.

 

It was all coming back to her.

 

Rolling onto her back, she stared at nothing, cursing herself. She was normally so careful. Her friends would know who she was leaving with, where she was going, but so caught up in the moment, the desperate need to be free of her upset, she forgot herself.

 

She rubbed her tired eyes, blissfully free of make-up residue thanks to her wonderful friend. It wasn’t her fault, she knew that. Realistically the only person she could really blame was the asshole who didn’t want to take no for an answer and the unfortunate series of events that lead up to that moment.

 

Next to her, Rose began to stir.

 

“Rey! You’re awake, how do you feel? Do you need anything?” she asked, sitting up. Rey rolled to face her, smiling gratefully.

 

“No, thank you,” she said quietly, “I’m…”

 

_ Tired. Sad. Confused. Hurt.  _

 

“...Alright,” she said, “I’m always alright,”

 

“Rey, what happened to you was a scary thing. You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine if it isn’t,” Rose said gently, “Do you want to tell me about it?” Carefully, Rey pushed herself up onto her elbow. Talking about it wasn't exactly high on what she wanted to do having just woken up.  


 

“There isn’t much to tell,” she sighed, “We were walking down the street and we stopped outside some apartments. I changed my mind and told him I didn’t want to, he got mad and tried to push his luck. Ended up practically biting his lip off and giving him a swift kick in the stones so I could run for it,”

 

“Jesus…”

 

“It’s  _ fine _ . I’m...alright, now I’ve had a rest and I’m back at home. Really, it could have been a lot worse. Some girls aren’t so lucky,” 

 

“It’s not fine!” Rose exclaimed, “Rey, what happened to you isn’t fine. I’m glad you gave that guy a boot but he deserves so much worse!”

 

“He does,” Rey agreed, “But, I’m home and other than a few marks that will heal. It’s alright,” She chewed her lip uncertainly, her eyes wandering the bed, “Did you talk to Ben?”

 

Rose’s face hardened, her jaw clenching tightly.

 

“I did,” she said shortly, “And I promise, you don’t need to see him again if you don’t want to!”

 

Rey blinked at her friend.

 

“What? No, I have to talk to him. We need to straighten things out and actually just  _ talk _ for once,” she stressed. Rose stared at her as if she’d just been presented with a dead cat.

 

“Are you kidding?” she cried, sitting up, “Rey, this is his fault!” Rey scowled. She was still wounded by his words but nevertheless, she was indignant on his behalf.

 

“No, it’s not! Rose, I know you’re upset and trying to be a good friend but...he can’t be held responsible for this,” Rey said softly, “It’s just...a horrible thing that happened that I’m going to deal with,”

 

“What about how he spoke to you? You can’t tell me you’re going to let that go!” Rey sat further up in the bed.

 

“What good is cutting him off going to do?” she said, “Rose, I’ve done just as much harm. I still love him,” Rose fell quiet, her face conflicted.

 

“Someone better tell Finn then,” Rose mumbled sheepishly, Rey’s face falling.

 

“Oh no...what did he do?!” she groaned. Rose winced.

 

“I’m not sure yet, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t going to be a gentle pat on the head,” she said reluctantly, “Babe, I just want to make sure you’re alright,”

 

“I am  _ fine _ !” Rey insisted, pushing herself out of bed, “All I need is some time to chill out, a proper night's sleep and to eat more veggies in my diet. I’ll be right as rain,” 

 

Rose stared at her skeptically, her protective nature working overtime. She remembered how devastated her friend had looked crying on the floor of her hallway, how helpless she’d been. Now complete with dark circles under her dull eyes, she was insisting that she was alright.

 

_ I’m always alright… _

 

“Okay,” Rose relented, “If you say so,”

 

“I do,” she said quickly, “I just want to forget about it and move on!” 

 

Her friend continued to watch her from her place sitting on the bed. There was something about Rey’s voice that was too insistent for her liking, too quick to answer. The smile on her face was insincere, her eyes lifeless and sad.

 

“Alright,” Rose said gently, “Do you need me to do anything for you?” Rey shook her head.

 

“No, thank you. You’ve done so much already,” she smiled, “I just want to have some alone time,”

 

“Sure,” Rose agreed, “I’ll let you get some proper rest. If you need anything,  _ anything… _ ”

 

“Then I know who to call,”

 

00000

 

His hands were on her, pulling at her clothes, tearing the fabric from her body. She didn’t want this.

 

Clammy and cold, his teeth scraped her throat as she tried to scream but no sound emerged. She felt like she was being pulled down into blackness, nothing in her vision, no air. Her lungs began to burn with the strain as she scratched and clawed trying to escape the confines of whoever was holding her.

 

Gasping for air, Rey’s eyes finally opened, the sheets of her bed tangled tightly around her legs as she kicked awake, panicked and disorientated. Gut churning, her head swimming, she freed herself of her bed, stumbling to the bathroom to empty what little she had in her stomach. 

 

Gripping the edge of the toilet bowl, her body heaved until there was simply nothing left. Wiping her mouth on a nearby towel, she fell back against her bathroom wall, sitting on the cool, tile floor. Tears slipped down her cheeks.

 

When had she started crying? An unexpected cry shook her, her hands shaking as she wiped her face. She was alright wasn’t she? It could have been worse, she got away, just as she’d said to Rose so why was she upset?

 

“Stupid fucking bitch,” she growled to herself, angrily wiping at her eyes. 

 

There were rules for a reason. Her rules kept her safe, they stopped her from making a stupid decision. They weren’t foolproof but they’d served her well so far. One time, she let her hurt and anger blind her common sense and she suffered the consequences. 

 

It wasn’t Ben’s fault and she resented living in an age where not following her own rules of safety cost her. She pulled her knees up to her chest, rocking gently, wallowing in her own pit of self-pity.

 

She thought about him, wondering if he was alright. The idea that Finn had done anything horrified her, even if it was done with the best of intentions. She sniffed loudly.

 

“He’ll hate you now,” she whispered to herself, “But it’s alright. You’ll be alright...”

 

Even having said something so poisonous o her, she couldn’t bring herself to hate him. She craved answers from him, a reason  _ why _ he said what he did. If it was how he really thought of her, so be it, but at least she would know the truth. 

 

A sharp knock at her door made her jump, her head snapping towards the sound, eyeing the door warily. Whoever it was, she wasn’t exactly in the mood nor was she really dressed for guests. Make-up free, old black yoga pants and her NYU sweater was not the most flattering of outfits.

 

_ Given my past 36 hours, I think I can be forgiven… _

 

Besides, she had a sneaking suspicion who it would be. She grabbed the doorknob, unfastening the safety chain to open.

 

“Rose, I told you to call if you we-”

 

Her words clogged her throat, her breath catching and her voice lost. Ben stood in front of her, staring as if she was going to disappear at any moment. His dark eyes seemed so lost, so anguished, accessorized by dark circles. At the side of his jaw, he was sporting a mottled bruise. 

 

“Hi,” he said anxiously, his hands fidgeting by his sides filled with pent up, nervous energy. 

 

“Hi,” she replied, lost for words, the pair standing in limbo, “What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice rough on the verge of tears, “I’m so fucking sorry,”

 

She shook herself, breaking out of her daze to suddenly reach forward, grabbing him by the collar of his coat.

 

“Get in,” she muttered, “We’re not talking about things in the hall,”

 

He awkwardly followed her through to her living room, Rey turning to simply look at him. He looked as good as she felt, the darker part of her personality satisfied that he wasn’t having an easy time. 

 

“Rey, I...I’m so sorry. For how I acted, what I said...I didn’t mean it, you have to believe me,” he said gently, his eyes pleading with her to trust him. Rey wrapped her arms around herself, her hurt expression cutting through him just as it had done at Lucky 7.

 

“I just want to know why?” She asked, “Why did you say it?” She watched his mouth move and his jaw work, mushing awkwardly as he tried to think of something to say to her. “If it’s how you really feel…”

 

“It’s not!”

 

“Then  _ why _ ?!” she demanded hotly, scowling at him. Ben sucked a sharp breath through his teeth.

 

“Because I was angry! And hurt. And embarrassed and confused. I felt like I wasn’t in control and it’s not an excuse, I don’t have an excuse,” he said honestly, “But you have to know, I regretted it the minute I saw what I’d done because I don’t think that way about you...at all,”

 

Rey stood silently, her arms falling to her sides as her body relaxed. Stepping closer, she examined his face. He looked so vulnerable, so much younger and more unsure of himself than ever. His eyes fell to her neck, the exposed mark left by the stranger's hand. His expression darkened, jaw clenching tightly.

 

“Did  _ he _ do that?” he asked his voice low and tense. Her hand darted up to cover the mark, uncomfortably stepping away to hide.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” she answered quickly, “It’s...fine. It’ll heal. I’m alright…”

 

“Rey…”

 

“No, Ben, please! I’m alright, I’m always alright,” 

 

That was what she told people wasn’t it? It was the truth. No matter what life threw at her, she was always fine. She managed, she scraped through and made it past the hurdles. Her birth parents leaving her, her college boyfriend cheating, and all the disappointments in between, she came out stronger. Not only that, but she did alone, standing on her own two feet.

 

“It’s okay if you’re not…”

 

“No, because that’s who I am!” she snapped, fresh hot tears running down her cheeks to mirror his own, “I’m the girl who gets through shit and I’ll get through this too but I’m just...I’m so fucking  _ tired _ ,”

 

“Rey…” Ben tried to reach out to her, to soothe her frantic ranting but it was useless. She was past the point of no return, her words and feelings spilling out in a confused tumble as she paced the floor in front of him.

 

“I met you and...and it was like being sucker punched, you know? So I did exactly what I always do, I just keep going, I keep doing me,” she rambled, laughing bitterly “You know I even convinced myself to talk to you, to tell you but then I  _ saw _ you with Jessika and I...I didn’t know what to do but just let you be, if that’s what you wanted because I thought you were happy... _ that _ was more important to me!”

 

Ben watched her pace the floor, her hands raking through her hair like a woman possessed, his expression giving every part of his turmoil away.

 

“So  _ this _ ,” she pulled the old collar of her shirt, stretching the fabric away to show the purple yellowish marks that marked her skin, “I’m...I’ll be alri-” 

 

The lie was to strangling her. She was tired. So tired of it all, tired of fighting alone, putting a brave face on everything because it was expected of her. Her body slumped like a rag doll as she looked up at him, breathing hard while she trembled from the realization, shaking her head.

 

“I’m not alright,” she choked, “I was so scared…”

 

He was across the room in a single motion, crushing her against his chest, his hand cradling the back of her head while she broke down in his arms. Her face buried in his shirt, her hands fisting the lapels of his coat tightly, pulling him to her like a lifeline. 

 

“Don’t be scared,” he said, mumbling sweet nothings designed to soothe him as much as her,  “You don’t need to be. I’m here, we’re going to be okay,” Against him, he felt her nod. A small, shuddery movement, but an acknowledgment that she could hear him, “Why don’t you lie down, get some rest?”

 

“Please don’t go,” she whispered, still hiding her face. He shook his head, leaning his cheek on her crown, “We...we still have things to talk about,”

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised, “But you need to rest first. We have time,”

 

Carefully he lead her through to her bedroom, sitting her on the edge of the bed as he fixed the tangled sheets. Once she was lying down, he moved to go back to the living room, finding her holding his hand tightly.

 

“I...I can’t sleep,” she muttered softly. Ben smiled with understanding, taking off his coat and kicking off his boots to lie down next to her. She was warm as she fell against his chest, still clinging onto his body for reassurance that he’d never expected her to need. 

 

Feeling her breathing even out, her body finally relaxing, Ben reached to the bedside lamp to switch it off. The room was dark, his eyes fixed on the ceiling above as he wondered where they went from here. She shifted against him slightly and he couldn’t tell if she was awake, asleep or somewhere in between until she spoke.

 

“I forgive you,”

 

Her words were soft, a mumble washing over him like a baptism that scourged some of the guilt from his ragged mind. Rose, Finn, their opinion didn’t matter because she forgave him. She was the one he had hurt. They still had things to discuss, air to clear but he smiled in the dark because he finally felt they were going to be okay.

 

His hand lightly stroked her cheek.

 

“I love you,”

 

She was already asleep.


	13. Are We Out of the Woods Yet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I say every time, thank you to everyone reading and commenting! I've not had time to respond to some of your comments personally, but please know I read each and every one of them and really appreciate the time and emotion you're investing in this story!
> 
> sweetkyloren and loveofescapism are the real MVPs for Alpha reading this nonsense of mine ;)

Whatever her head was lying on, it smelled good.

 

Equal parts soft and solid, it was warm, gently moving with a dull thud by her ear. Opening her eyes, Rey blinked a few times to get her bearings only to realize she was lying on a someone's chest.

 

_ Huh. This is new… _

 

Having never shared her comfortable king size with another person, the experience was a little disorientating but she found she didn’t hate it. Carefully maneuvering her head to look upwards she found a chin lightly covered by dark hair and she smiled.

 

He’d stayed.

 

She wanted to bask in the moment of calm a moment longer. Sure she’d been in bed with men, but it had been a long time since she’d done something so  _ intimate _ with anyone. The gentle ‘flub-dub’ of his heart continued on, echoing through her as comforting as a cat’s purr. Loathe to move, but her curiosity got the better of her. 

 

One arm still slightly numb, she awkwardly pushed herself off his body to peek down at him. 

 

Ben was still very much asleep, his mouth hanging slightly slack as he dozed with his head tilted to one side. His long hair was a mess, a tousle of inky waves that she wanted to run her fingers through to see if it was as soft as it looked.

 

She felt oddly weightless, wishing she could stay in the metaphorical bubble where he was sorry and she was sorry and that was all there was to it, but life wasn’t perfect, and whatever was going on between them had further consequences that they’d need to deal with sooner rather than later.

 

Rose, and she imagined Finn, were still angry with him. Their upset and hurt over the current state of affairs transferring onto the easiest scapegoat they could find. Rey frowned to herself, shaking her head. She couldn’t allow that.

 

Then there was Jessika. Ben knew how Rey felt, but she hadn’t been the one to voice it. It was terrifying, the idea of putting herself on the line. She’d been willing to do it once, before everything erupted, surely she could muster the courage to do it again. He’d come for her, he’d stayed for her.

 

It couldn’t be for guilt alone.

 

Maybe he sensed someone was watching him. He inhaled deeply through his nose, sighing awake, squinting up at her with puffy eyes that she imagined resembled hers. The amount of crying she’d done, it was hard to think she looked anything other than worn out.

 

“Morning,” he mumbled, his throat rough, “Are you okay?” She nodded, offering him a tired smile.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay,” she said quietly, “I think I really needed that sleep,”

 

“I think you probably did,” he smiled, “Do you feel any better?” he asked uncertainly.

 

“I actually do. Not perfect but, you know, better,” she admitted, “Thank you for staying,”

 

“You’re welcome,” he said sincerely, shifting in the bed to sit up. He was still wearing his clothes from the night before, his sweater covered in crumpled marks. He cleared his throat, “We, um, we still have things to talk about,”

 

“We do,” she confirmed gently, “And we will. I just, God this sounds so fucking lame, but...I am  _ really _ out of my depth here and...it’s pretty scary,”

 

He showed nothing more than gentle understanding on his face, reaching to take her hand in his.

 

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too,”

 

Being honest, vulnerable, it was all so far outside her comfort zone. It was so much easier to keep people at a distance, painting a mask of carefree perfection. Her mask was broken, chipping away piece by piece but she found, with him holding her hand, she didn’t mind so much. It was still terrifying, but not quite as daunting knowing she wasn’t alone.

 

He was just as scared as she was.

 

By the side of the bed, encased in his coat pocket, Ben’s phone rang. It pulled his attention away as he reached for it, annoyance clear on his face, dismissing the call.

 

“Just Poe, I’ll call him back later,” he muttered. Rey looked thoughtful.

 

“Wait, what day is it?” She asked, suddenly very aware that while she had been caught in a bubble of her own situation, the world didn’t stop.

 

“Uh, it’s...Monday,”

 

“FUCK!” She leaped out of bed, the mattress bouncing him while she began to pull clothes from her dresser, “I need to get to work! I’m probably already late,”

 

“Rey, given the circumstances, I’m pretty sure you could take a few days,” Ben said reasonably, standing to smooth his own clothes, “Your boss would understand,”

 

“What about you?” she asked incredulously, “Don’t you have your own work to go to?”

 

“I already called them, told them I had a family emergency to deal with. They were very understanding,” he shrugged. Rey grabbed a handful of clothes, rushing to the bathroom and emerging minutes later freshly dressed, pulling her dry shampooed hair into a bun.

 

“I have a deadline to meet,” she moaned, “The magazine article is ready to go but I still have my weekly blog maintenance to do. I can’t just abandon that, besides...I want to go to work, the world can’t stop turning,”

 

“I’m not saying it does,” Ben said patiently, “I’m just saying, nobody would begrudge you taking the day off to chill out a little bit and get your head together. Will you at least tell your boss?” She wrinkled her nose.

 

“I...I don’t really want to,” she admitted, “I just want to forget about it,” Ben sighed.

 

“You know, really you should go to the police,” he said, seriously, “Report it,”

 

“I know I should but...I don’t even have his name. I barely have a face to describe if I’m honest,” she sighed uncomfortably, “Can we drop it? Please?”

 

He watched her throw on her leather biker jacket as he grabbed his own coat, smoothing his hair.

 

“Alright, sweetheart, whatever you want,” 

 

She stopped moving, turning to smile at him strangely.

 

“What did you call me?” Ben blushed, his ears growing hot as he focused on lacing his boots. Of all the good things he’d picked up from his late father, the term of endearment was one of them but something he’d never used on anyone until now. It hadn’t felt natural before.

 

“Just...sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomf-”

 

“I liked it,” she admitted bashfully, her own cheeks pinking, “So, you’ve got the day off?” she changed the subject, grabbing her purse to fill.

 

“Uh, something like that,” Ben said awkwardly, “I’m actually going to meet Jessika,”

 

Rey stopped, her body tensing from head to toe, almost dropping her purse gracelessly. There was no use hiding the disappointment in her face, the feeling overwhelming her like a tidal wave. He was going back to her. After everything that had happened, he was still going back.

Bitter regret coursed through her. Of course, he was. Jessika was sweet and unproblematic. In comparison, she was practically the devil in a B-cup.

 

“Oh,” 

 

It was the only response she had, flat and despondent. Ben shook his head, willing her to understand him clearly as he stepped towards her.

 

“I’m going to break it off with Jessika,”

 

“ _ Oh _ ,”

 

Realization hit her, the relief unmistakeable in her eyes. He smiled affectionately through his nerves.

 

“Are you going to give me more than a one syllable reaction?”

 

“Okay,”

 

For the first time in days, he laughed. An honest rumble from his chest that lightened her heart, the butterflies returning to her stomach at the sight of his not quite perfect grin. 

 

“I mean, okay, that’s...is it awful to say I hope it goes well? God, I’m sorry, poor Jessika. She didn’t deserve any of this,” she said inelegantly, her face twisted with awkward optimism, “What are you going to say?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Actually, forget it, don’t tell me!” she said suddenly, jamming her fingers in her ears dramatically, “It’s not my business!”

 

He held her hands, pulling them away from her head.

 

“I’m going to tell her that it’s not working,” he said, “That’s all,” Rey nodded, very aware that he was still holding her hands when his face tilted, the bruise Finn had left still marking his jaw.

 

“Oh my God, your face,” she cried, reaching for his chin, “I’m going to fucking kill Finn!”

 

“It’s fine. It’s just a bruise, nothing broken,” he dismissed. Her hand cupped his jaw, her thumb stroking the mottled skin. Unconsciously, he leaned into her touch, the minor movement sending her pulse into overdrive.

 

Like the palpable tension of oncoming rain, thick and charged, they stood so close to one another, her hand still on his skin like a brand that he’d gladly wear for all to see. Drawn to her, he leaned down, his forehead against hers, his nose tracing along her own tentatively until she could barely stand the temptation any longer.

 

Standing on her toes, she tilted to close the gap between them, gently capturing his lips in a feather soft kiss, so tender she felt a rush of helplessness and a rising tide of warmth that left her limp. The hand against his cheek slid around to grasp the back of his neck and with a surge of intensity, he was kissing her back, his insistent mouth parting for her, sending a rush of electricity across every nerve in her body.

 

She’d always just accepted kissing as a means to an end, something fun that you did between talking and sex. His arms encircling her waist as her hands fisted in his hair, she realized that for the first time she knew what real passion felt like.

 

When they finally broke apart, both breathing heavily, it felt oddly quiet like the moment of silence between the lightning and the thunder. Staring with blown pupils, still wrapped in each other's arms, Ben was the first to break the silence.

 

“Tonight. We’ll talk tonight,”

 

00000

 

He could still taste Rey on his lips as he entered the coffee shop.

 

Guilt had become all too familiar an emotion for him, one that he was looking forward to being relieved of, although he knew it wouldn’t be quickly. There was still too much raw feeling and hurt that needed to be rectified and worked through before he’d have that luxury.

 

This was only the first step.

 

Seeing Jessika already sitting at the table in the corner, he was thankful the shop was fairly quiet. He felt the cold stab of remorse twisting in his chest. He couldn’t regret his kiss with Rey, he wouldn’t, but Jessika didn’t deserve to be treated as an afterthought and he knew it.

 

“Ben, hey!” she smiled, standing to kiss him. He awkwardly offered her a cheek instead, “I’ve been worried about you,” she said honestly. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you,” he replied, fidgeting with his hands in front of him on the table, “There’s been a lot going on,”

 

“You said there was a situation you had to deal with. Is everything alright?” She asked with concern, her hand covering his, only adding to his anxiety.

 

“It’s complicated but yeah, everything is going to be fine,” he said, “But, I need to talk with you,” She released his hands, sitting back in her seat to observe him more carefully. The smile on her face grew more nervous and reserved.

 

“I don’t think I like the sound of this,” she said softly, “I take it this has something to do with the other night?”

 

“I couldn’t, Jess,” Ben sighed, “I couldn’t...use you like that, knowing that we’re not feeling the same things. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to tell you sooner,”

 

She sat motionless, her eyes towards the table as she mulled over his statement, her face expressionless until her brows creased.

 

“Was it something I’ve done?”

 

“No!” he insisted loudly, “Fuck no! Jessika, you’re great. It’s just…”

 

“Let me guess, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’,” she said sarcastically, “Nice line there, Ben,”

 

“I just don’t feel the same way you do and it’s not fair to you,” Ben said gently, ignoring her injured tone. She sighed deeply.

 

“I suppose I should have seen this coming,” she said, “The way you ran out of my apartment, you were so freaked out,”

 

“Yeah. Sorry about that,” he muttered embarrassed, scratching the back of his neck. 

 

“It’s alright, I guess. I just wish you’d been more honest with me, but at least you’re being honest now,” she said dejectedly, “Well...that’s it I suppose. I don’t think there’s anything left to say,” 

 

“I am sorry, Jess,” he said once more, feeling like a stuck record, but unable to offer anything else.

 

“It’s fine,” she said in a manner that made him suspect it was anything but, “At least you told me to my face instead of just sending a text or something. There’s that,”

 

She stood, leaving money on the table for her coffee, awkwardly bending down to give him a less than enthusiastic hug. He still felt guilty. It was never nice letting someone down, not that he had much experience of break-ups, but at least he knew he’d finally done the honorable thing.

 

His kiss with Rey hours before notwithstanding.

 

00000

 

The office was as it always was, her colleagues busy at their desks and milling around the floor as they carried on with their day to day tasks.

 

Rey had apologized for being late to Amilyn, telling her that she hadn’t been feeling too well. The older woman was understanding, commenting that Rey did indeed look a little pale and run down.

 

“Maybe you should have taken today off or worked from home?” she’d suggested but Rey had insisted that she was fine.

 

The world didn’t stop turning. Life carried on. Being in the office gave her another outlet. If she stayed at home, it just gave her more time to focus on the unpleasantness of her weekend. She’d forgiven Ben for his words, believing that it had come from a place of hurt. Forgiving him was as much healing for her too. She couldn’t drink poison and expect the other to die, as they say.

 

Her fingers drummed on her desk waiting for her computer to boot up. Glancing at the clock on the office wall gave her a knot in her stomach, knowing that at any moment Ben was going to be meeting with Jessika.

 

Really, Jessika was the person she felt for the most, even more so than herself. Blissfully ignorant to the shit storm going on with everyone around her, Rey hoped that she took whatever he said as best she could. More so, she hoped that he had the sense not to bring her into it.

 

It was another layer of complication that they didn’t need.

 

Stretching her shoulders and neck, she looked to her screen, pondering the next subject of her blog posts. Her suggested schedule had been going well, the feedback glowing, so she was certain Amilyn wanted her to remain on that track. 

 

The memories of her recent experience came to the forefront of her mind and she paused, her eyes unfocused. The idea of writing with the same carefree tone suddenly felt insincere, the dangers she already knew existed and tried her best to advise others on far more real to her now she’d experienced it first hand. 

 

Her fingers felt strange, tingling as they hovered over the keys, her brain picking up speed along with her racing heart. Shooting pains ran through her chest, only exacerbated more with every beat. She couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe but felt rooted to the spot, paralyzed in her own body. 

 

“Rey, Amilyn needs to see you when you’ve got a minu-...what’s wrong with you?” 

 

She could hear Gwen’s snippy voice to the side of her but remained unable to move, wishing she could hiss at the women to go away and leave her to whatever the hell was going on. Gwen looked down at her quizzically, noting the sweat forming on her brow.

 

“Rey, are you alright? Can you speak?” she asked firmly. 

 

Rey didn’t move until she felt Gwen’s arms on her shoulders, physically lifting her from her seat. She was walked on shaky legs towards an empty meeting room where she was sat down on a chair. Gwen knelt in front of her, holding her eye line.

 

“Alright Rey, I think you’re having a panic attack,” she said clearly, “It’s going to pass, you’re alright. Just try to breathe as slowly as you can. Follow me. In...and out,”

 

Gwen maintained her eye contact the whole time, deeply inhaling for a five count before exhaling and encouraging Rey to do the same until her body began to relax again and her breathing regulated. She still felt shaky and her head felt like it was ten sizes too big, but at least her motor skills were returning. Gwen stood, returning with a cup of water.

 

“Here, how do you feel?” she asked. Rey accepted the cup, sipping the cool liquid.

 

“Um, kinda gross,” she mumbled, “That was fucking horrible,”

 

“Do you get them often? Panic attacks I mean,” Gwen asked.

 

“Never. I’ve never had one before. I didn’t even know that’s what it might have been,” She said, looking up at the taller woman, “How did you know?” Gwen looked away uncomfortably.

 

“I’ve been having them off and on for years,” she confessed quietly, “I’ve learned to recognize the signs,”

 

“Wow, I’m sorry. That really sucks,” 

 

“It does,” Gwen agreed, “Do you know what might have triggered it?”

 

_ Where to fucking start… _

 

Rey eye’d Gwen suspiciously. For all Gwen was being nice to her now, she’d spent an awful lot of her time being completely horrible about the choices she made for herself. Still, she didn’t see a hint of malice on the older woman’s face. 

 

“I...didn’t have a very good weekend,” Rey mumbled inelegantly, “All those choices you love to hate me for came back to bite me, I guess,” she said, her eyes welling up with tears she was so tired of shedding but saying it out loud to someone else made felt almost cathartic.

 

Gwen nodded gravely, her mouth a thin line of understanding.

 

“And I suppose that’s where those marks came from?” She asked. Rey nodded self consciously, irritated with herself that she hadn’t covered them better.

 

“Yeah but...I got off lucky really. Kicked him in the dick and ran like hell. Some other girls don’t get that chance. I don’t know why I’m getting so upset,” she sighed. Gwen frowned.

 

“Rey, it doesn’t matter! What happened to you shouldn’t have happened regardless of how far it went. You’re allowed to be affected by it,” Gwen stated firmly, “I understand. It...it happened to me,”

 

Rey’s head snapped up from staring at the floor, horror on her face. Gwen nodded her confirmation.

 

“I was in my senior year of high school and he was my first real boyfriend,” she said sadly, a tale she’d recited to few people, “Imagine how hard it is being told that it wasn’t really rape because he was my boyfriend, that I must have been getting things mixed up. That’s when my panic attacks started,”

 

“Jesus, Gwen, I’m so sorry,” she gasped, “That’s fucking awful!”

 

“It is but...and to this day I’m still working through it. I don’t get the attacks as often anymore,” she said, pulling out her phone. She wandered to the office table, grabbing a pen and spare piece of paper, returning to Rey and handing her a number, “This is for you, I think you should call,”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Dr. Ahsoka is a very good person to talk to,” Gwen smiled, “I wish someone had suggested it to me years ago,”

 

“Therapy?”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with unpacking some mental baggage. I’m no expert, but if you’re having panic attacks out of the blue, I’d gather it’s time to get some of it unpacked!” She smirked. Rey laughed, a genuine sound that bubbled up from her chest as she wiped her eyes.

 

“Why...why are you being so nice to me?” she asked, “I thought you hated me?” Gwen had the grace to look remorseful.

 

“I don’t  _ hate _ you...it’s complicated,” she mumbled awkwardly, “If I’m honest...I think I was jealous. You were doing all the things I wished I had the confidence to do, but I don’t think about sex that way. I can’t. Not after…”

 

Rey had no response, quietly contemplating what Gwen had said. Her heart broke for the woman, thinking how hard it must have been to deal with her own horror inflicted by someone she trusted. For all she’d been a bitch to her, at least on some level there was a reason past  _ just _ being a bitch. She tapped the paper in Rey’s hand.

 

“Call her,”

 

Satisfied that Rey was out of the woods and feeling herself again, Gwen left her alone in the empty meeting room. She used to think her lifestyle was her own choosing and it was, but it had been becoming harder to deny that the tables had turned, the fun lifestyle choice turning more and more into a crutch that she’d been leaning on. 

 

Slowly, hoping that nobody had seen her little breakdown, Rey slipped back into the main office to her desk and picked up her phone, dialing the number.

 

“Hi there, I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Ahsoka,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was always the plan for Rey to eventually go to therapy. Therapy is a normal, healthy thing and I would recommend it to anyone.


	14. When in Doubt, Talk it Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I tried to estimate how many chapters there is left of this story and, honestly, I couldn't tell you. I originally planned for 15 but let's be honest, there's still so much left to explore and these nerds are only just getting started! So, yeah, buckle up for some sweet, sweet healing (With the occasional bump in the road)!
> 
> As always big thank you for all your comments (I'd love to find time to reply to all of you, but it's either I reply to you all OR I write more and I'm pretty sure you'd rather I kept up this updating pace!) and to Loveofescapism and sweetkyloren for listening to me ramble at all hours of the day <3

Rey checked her appearance for what felt like the hundredth time, fiddling with her hair. Behind her ears, in front of her ears, up, down. She couldn’t decide, eventually huffing an exasperated sigh and abandoning the hope that it was going to do anything other than hang by her shoulders.

 

After her episode in the office, she’d taken a moment to regroup, coming to the sensible conclusion that working from home for a few days wasn’t the worst idea. Amilyn had agreed and Rey had taken the remainder of the afternoon off.

 

There was still time before she was to meet Ben, the thought of it filling her with anxious energy. Sitting still wasn’t an option. It would only give her time to dwell on what might be said later, or worse, think about Ben’s meetup with Jessika. She cleaned, scrubbing her apartment from floor to ceiling until there was nothing out of place. Email inboxes were finally organized, the Yoga DVD she’d borrowed from Rose years ago was finally done in its entirety.

 

While filled with a sense of pride and productivity, she was still nervous. Their kiss still played on her mind, a goofy smile appearing on her face every time she touched her lips. It had started so tentatively, but like a fire being stoked, the heat he’d caused threatened to turn her to ash.

 

She’d never experienced a first kiss like it.

 

While dressing, she’d pondered that there was merit behind the idea that feelings, true feelings and not just lust, made everything better. She recalled how peaceful she’d felt, how complete with him there and frankly, just downright  _ happy _ .

 

When was the last time she’d felt actually happy around a guy?

 

Not willing to answer that question, she’d grabbed her jacket and bag, preparing herself for an important conversation.

 

00000

 

Arriving at The Baby Grand gave her a sense of Deja Vu but a warm feeling of wellbeing that relieved her of some tension. For the two of them, the bar held only positivity and she hoped by the end of the evening that wasn’t ruined.

 

She liked the place and wanted to keep drinking there, for one thing.

 

On the back wall, nestled inside one of the cozy booths was Ben, a drink in front of him with another poured. She tried to analyze his expression before she approached. He didn’t look upset or worried, which she supposed was a good start.

 

_ Be brave… _

 

“Hey,” she smiled, sliding into the booth next to him, “You started without me,”

 

He returned her expression, noticing the throwback to their first time together in the bar. His arm twitched with the urge to draw her against him, to wrap his arm around her shoulders and hold her close but he resisted. There was too much to talk about before they fell into such an easy routine.

 

“I’d say I was taking the chance to buy you a drink before you denied me. I just happened to get one for myself at the same time,” he said, winking, “How was your day?”

 

“Um...interesting. I had a panic attack for the first time ever,” she stated. Ben’s glass was on route to his mouth when he stopped mid-motion, staring at her.

 

“What? Holy shit, are you alright?” he asked, putting down his drink. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine now. I was really freaked out at the time but someone I work with, Gwen, was a total lifesaver,” she acknowledged, “And she helped me come to a pretty big conclusion,”

 

“What was that then?”

 

“I’m going to go to therapy,” Rey declared, picking up her glass to take a long sip of the sweet whiskey. Ben regarded her with interest but no judgment. His silence worried her until he spoke again.

 

“That’s great,” he urged, “Really, I think that’s an awesome idea,” Rey looked at him uncertainly.

 

“You don’t think it’s a little much?” she asked, but Ben shook his head firmly.

 

“Not one bit,” he concluded, “Seriously, sometimes we all need a little outside perspective and some help. I’ve been to therapy,”

 

“You have?”

 

“You’ve met me. Of course, I’ve been to therapy,” he teased, Rey nudging him in the side, “Seriously, I think it’s really healthy. It’s hard at first, but believe me, I think it’ll be really good for you in the long run,”

 

“Well, thank you,” she smiled somewhat proudly, “Dare I ask how your day went?” she asked cautiously. Ben sighed, carding his hand through his hair, pushing the dark waves from his face.

 

“It...went fine, honestly,” he answered, “I met her, I told her how I felt and I think she took it alright. I mean, as well as you can take being dumped I guess,”

 

“You didn’t tell her about us?”

 

“I told her that I didn’t feel the same as her, that we weren’t on the same page, which isn’t untrue!” he commented, “I didn’t mention you,”

 

“Okay,” Rey breathed, mentally preparing herself for the conversation she’d been dreading, “That’s good. That’s for the best but...us? What are we?” she asked softly. 

 

Ben sipped his drink thoughtfully before answering.

 

“What do you want to be?” he sounded uncertain, his nerves that he’d been covering so well finally starting to show. Rey glanced down to her hands in her lap, trying to avoid fidgeting. This was it, her opening. After missing all the chances she’d been presented with, the door was there. She just had to be brave enough to walk through it.

 

“I...I don’t want anyone else except you,” she admitted, “but those words, Ben, you really hurt me. I forgave you, and I mean that...but that doesn’t mean I’m over the hurt of it just yet,”

 

He drew in a shuddery breath, nodding as he finished his glass, looking to the table.

 

“But I want to be! I want to work on things,” she continued, “It’s just that I have no idea what I’m doing! This is all pretty new to me and I don’t want to fuck it up,”

He turned the empty glass on the table in his hand watching the motion of it, Rey holding her breath for his response.

 

“I’ve only had one girlfriend,” he confessed quietly, “It didn’t even last that long, a few months in college,” he turned to her with a warm smile, “So believe me when I say, I have no idea what I’m doing either. This is just as daunting for me as it is for you!”

 

She gazed up at him with wide eyes, hanging on his every word and dark gaze, her body unconsciously moving closer to his warmth.

 

“But I know how I feel about you,” he vowed, “and I’m not so afraid of losing something that I don’t want to try having it first,”

 

Rooted to the spot, she was dumbstruck by his heartfelt statement, feeling him reach for her hand under the table. Her mind was at war. One side elated that he was saying everything she’d wanted him to while the other cried to revert back to the only course of action she knew, running away and avoiding her emotions.

 

Taking a deep breath, she pushed those thoughts aside, embracing all the positives he made her feel.

 

“How do you feel about me?” she asked shyly. 

 

Swooping forward, his lips captured hers, taking her by pleasant surprise. The same electric sensation shot through her body, her thighs clenching as his tongue traced the seam of her mouth, licking and teasing with the taste of liquor. She whimpered when he pulled away, staring down at her hungrily.

 

“I love you,” 

 

Time stopped. Music was still playing from the piano in the corner of the bar but it was muted as the world around her fell away, leaving only the man in front of her holding her hand and saying three words that should have terrified her. 

 

“I love you too,” 

 

It was a breathless declaration, more honest and raw than she’d ever been with a person. Crushing herself to his body, she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him to her with a reckless abandon that almost knocked the glasses across the table. Like a burning ember catching, the urgency of their kiss grew until she was almost sitting on his lap.

 

A hard knock on the table broke through their passionate haze. Breaking apart, they turned to the source of the noise. A large man in a black suit stood there with a very amused expression.

 

“Guys, this is a nice place. I’m going to have to ask you to cool it a little or take it outside,” he smirked, the pair muttering their sheepish apologies as they righted themselves.

 

Smoothing her hair, Rey giggled, leaning back into the booth.

 

“I want to be with you,” she confessed, “Just you, but...I want to do this right. Do you think we could take it slow?” Ben nodded, his lips still flushed from their kiss.

 

“Slow might be the only speed I know,” he grinned shyly, “So, what do you think we should do now?”

 

She grabbed his hand, twisting herself under his arm to settle in against his side.

 

“Well, how about I let you buy me another drink and we’ll take it from there?”

 

00000

 

When the bell for last orders had been called, Rey realized that she’d only had two drinks the whole night. It was a far cry from her usual. Normally she’d had thrown back her cocktails without thinking, allowing the alcohol to stimulate her senses.

 

With Ben, she’d nursed her second drink, savoring the flavor while she enjoyed his company. After the weighty subjects they’d broached, they kept it light. He spoke about his work, how he hated going to court but specializing in family law, it was an important aspect of his job.

 

She spoke about sports, reminding him that he had promised to give ice hockey a chance. Her stomach flipped as he scrunched his face adorably, reluctantly agreeing that he’d keep his word.

 

When they exited onto the street, she had been the one to reach for his hand.

 

“Listen, maybe we should keep a little quiet,” Rey broached the topic carefully.

 

“You don’t want people to know about us?”

 

“It’s not that! I do, but I don’t want to add any pressure and I  _ do _ still work with Jessika. She’s in the same circles. I don’t want her to get her feelings hurt,”

 

“You’re probably right,” Ben conceded, “I don’t want that either. Besides, it’s kind of nice...just keeping to ourselves. I don’t think Rose and Finn are going to be thrilled,”

 

“I don’t care, it’s our rela-“ she stopped, the word sounding strange and foreign on her tongue. Ben smirked at her.

 

“It’s alright, you can say it,” 

 

“Relationship,” she finished. Ben smiled proudly.

 

“There we go, the first step is admitting you’re in one,” he laughed, “Don't worry, I’m not about to make you wear my class ring or anything,” 

 

“Very funny,” she drawled, “Well, it’s late and this penniless writer has to get back to Brooklyn,”

 

“I’ll get you a cab,” 

 

She was ready to protest. There was a subway station barely ten paces from where they stood but given her bad experience, she said nothing to stop it. It was nice being taken care of.

 

“So this was fun,” Rey smiled cheekily, “We should definitely do it again sometime,”

 

“Rey Jackson, are you asking me out on a date?” He joked, clutching his chest with mock incredulity. Rey blushed, her smile radiant as she giggled at him.

 

“Look at that, I guess I am!”

 

The cab pulled up along the curb, waiting expectantly.

 

The kiss he gave her was soft and sweet, so bone meltingly tender that she wasn’t sure she’d make it to the back of the car. It made saying goodnight that much harder.

 

The door closing. She settled into the back seat, her fingers tracing her lips. She caught the driving glancing at her in the rearview mirror.

 

“Good date?”

 

“Yeah,” she grinned, “That was a good date,”

 

00000

 

The waiting room Rey found herself in was nice, she supposed. Inoffensive, muted colors covered the walls, a few plants dotted around to add a splash of serenity.

 

Rey hadn’t really known what to expect. She’d filled in her mountain of paperwork, checked her insurance. Now she had nothing to do but wait.

 

On the outside, she was a mask of calm, but her knee bounced where she sat, giving away her anxiety and when the door to Dr. Ahsoka’s office opened, she flinched.

 

“Rey Jackson? Come on in,”

 

Dr. Ahsoka was a beautiful Indian woman, her long black hair pulled back into two braids and her face kind. Rey followed her into the room, another non-threatening space that smelled of jasmine and vanilla. She looked at the sofa.

 

“Do I lie down or…”

 

“You can sit however is comfortable for you,” Dr. Ahsoka smiled, “Can I offer you some coffee or tea?”

 

“Oh, um...some tea please,” Rey answered, sitting down on the comfortable leather sofa. The Doctor nodded, taking a few minutes before placing a mug down on the table in front of her.

 

“Thank you,” Rey said politely. 

 

“Now Rey, today is going to be more about getting to know you a little better, talking about what lead you here if you’re comfortable. I understand this is your first time?”

 

“Yes. I guess you’re popping my cherry,” she laughed awkwardly, “Oh my God, sorry, that wasn’t appropriate!”

 

“It’s alright,” Dr. Ahsoka laughed lightly, “Tell me a little about yourself,”

 

“Alright. I’m 28 years old, I’m a journalist writing for a magazine and I live in Brooklyn,” she methodically recited, “I was in foster care until I was 5 when my foster parents adopted me, Jyn and Cassian Andor. Good people, good parents…” 

 

“What lead you to make an appointment with me today?” 

 

Rey reached for her tea, grasping the warm cup tightly.

 

“I...was assaulted,” she said quietly, “On a night out. I was assaulted. Wow, sounds weird when I say it out loud like that,” 

 

She took a long sip of her tea, letting her own words settle into the atmosphere. It was a stark realization. She’d explained what had happened to a few people but not once had she ever said it so plainly.

 

“And before that...there was just a lot of stuff going on that I thought I had under control, but now I don’t think I did...do,” she added, “I’ve started having these panic attacks,”

 

“How frequently do they occur?”

 

“Not like every hour of every day or anything,” Rey explained, “but...they happen,”

 

“Are you usually thinking of anything specific when they do? Suspected trigger points can be very important,”

 

Rey paused, taking a deep breath. She wanted to stand up, to tell the woman that she was fine but thanks for the tea anyway. Then she thought of Ben, her job and most importantly, herself.

 

Running wasn’t going to cut it anymore.

 

“Sometimes. Sometimes I remember that night and everything that lead up to it. It’ll just happen out of the blue. I’ll be doing something random like watching TV and boom, memory,” she admitted, “Life was getting pretty intense before it happened anyway,”

 

“How do you deal with these episodes?” Dr. Ahsoka asked. Rey smiled slightly.

 

“The first time there was this girl at work, Gwen. She gets them too and she really helped me out. If I’m on my own I just try to sit quietly and count backwards from a hundred until it goes away,” she recalled, “Ben is great though, it’s happened around him and he’s really calm. He said he googled what to do if someone has a panic attack, after I told him about it! He’s...he’s really sweet,”

 

“And who is Ben?”

 

Rey day thoughtfully, a strange smile of realization on her face.

 

“I think he’s my boyfriend,” she surmised, still smiling. 

 

“You... _ think  _ he’s your boyfriend?”

 

“Yeah. Well, I’ve never really had one...no wait, not never. I had a boyfriend in college when I was a freshman but he was horrible so, I guess I’ve been single since I was 19...maybe 20,” she rambled, “It’s hard to, you know, pinpoint it…”

 

“Alright, so tell me a little about Ben?”

 

“He’s, uh, he’s nice. He’s not like me, at all, but I don’t think that’s bad,” she explained, “He was a friend of a friend that moved here a few months ago and then he became my friend and it was messy for a while...but now...we’re a thing,”

 

“How is that going?” Dr. Ahsoka asked. Rey snorted. 

 

“Can I be honest with you?”

 

“That’s why we’re here…”

 

“It’s a bit of a mind fuck!” she admitted. The Doctor looked at her with interest.

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Because...because...it’s weird. I’ve never really had to consider someone else before and now it’s like…I go to bed thinking about him and I feel like I want him around all the time. Love is...fucking scary!”

 

“Before you met Ben, what were your dating habits like?”

 

“Um, actual  _ dates _ . None, I didn’t do that but...how do I put this delicately? I’m, um, experienced,”

 

“So you’ve had a lot of sexual partners?”

 

“You could say that,” she confessed, “I have these rules. All pretty common sense, I thought, like always using protection, letting your friends know who you were with, not staying the night…”

 

“Not staying the night?”

 

“Well, yeah, because that’s how you end up getting attached,”

 

“And you didn’t want that?”

 

“Fuck no!” Rey exclaimed, “I was getting what I wanted and I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I make my own money, it’s not like I was relying on these dudes to pay my bills. I just...I liked the release. It was fun,”

 

“Sounds to me like Ben is different then? Your demeanor changes when you talk about him, obviously care very much for him,”

 

“I...I do. I love him,” she declared shakily, “and that’s the scary part. I love him and I feel like I’ve just handed him a sledgehammer that he can swing in my face anytime,”

 

Dr. Ahsoka said nothing, simply allowing her the space to sift through her turbulent thoughts.

 

“Because...what if he realizes that I’m not good enough for him?” She thought out loud, a question to herself more than the Doctor, “What if he wakes up one day and decides he’s changed his mind?”

 

“That’s where trust comes in, Rey. Being open with someone, sharing feelings, it all takes a tremendous amount of trust. From the things you’ve been telling me, I’m getting a fairly clear picture,” Dr. Ahsoka said kindly, “You’ve been so used to being independent, to sleeping with whoever you want, going out wherever you want that suddenly finding someone you’re willing to change for is a shock to your system,”

 

“I mean...yes, when you put it like that,” Rey mumbled, “I guess...my choices were my own but I...I don’t know when it changed, my lifestyle, I don’t know when it stopped being fun and when I started relying on it…”

 

“That’s what we can help you find out,”

 

00000

 

When her appointment time was up, she felt strange. Like she’d just had an out of body experience, watching herself just scratch the surface of issues she hadn’t realized she’d been harboring.

 

Maybe she did know and she just hadn’t been ready to admit it. She arranged a weekly appointment.

 

Leaving the office. She stuffed her hands in her jacket pockets, walking in the sunshine towards her favorite spot in the park. The water glittered nearby, the sound of children laughing as they ran around on the grass. At the bench, next to Alice in Wonderland, sat Ben with two coffee’s in his hand.

 

“How did it go?” He asked as she sat down, handing her a cup. She rested her head on his shoulder, his arm coming around behind her back. Feeling his lips brush her temple, she smiled.

 

“It was good,”


	15. It Ain't My Fault (You Keep Turning Me On)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next updates might be a little slower. Exam is in 4 days and counting but I've given myself the evenings off studying to write some (I find it relaxing).
> 
> As always, big thank you for everyone's comments and lovely messages. I'm glad this story is resonating with people and it's fun writing something with a bit of realism this time around!

“Sorry, I’m late!” Rey cried, rushing towards the table where Rose was already sitting, “Fault on the subway line,”

 

“Nice of you to try to make an excuse,” Rose joked, having been long acquainted with Rey’s ability to be late. Rey stuck her tongue out childishly, picking up the menu in front of her. 

 

Her excuses had been more and more frequent. It was why she had invited Rose out to lunch. While she was still being social and keeping up with her friends, they were still fractured in a way. Frustratingly estranged. Finn had calmed down and admitted that his actions towards Ben had been pushed by his own upset. He apologized in earnest, but Rose was as stubborn as she was pretty. She concurred that what happened to Rey wasn’t Ben’s fault, but while Rey had forgiven him for his cutting words, Rose had not.

 

It made for a trying time when trying to arrange anything involving a group.

 

“You’re looking great by the way, have you done something new?” Rose asked, leaning forward to peer closer at her friend.

 

“Oh, thanks,”

 

“No, I mean it, you’re practically glowing!” Rose enthused, Rey beginning to turn a shade a pink. 

 

“Must be all those early nights I’m getting,” Rey shrugged, “I’ve been trying to take care of myself a little better. Drink more water and all that stuff,”

 

Finding herself void of the habits she was so used to, Rey found herself looking into new avenues to spend her time. Bars and clubs held no real appeal anymore, like beacons of a past life. She was going to bed at a reasonable time, had signed up for a hot yoga studio near her apartment and in the evenings found herself daring to cook actual food instead of just ordering in all the time.

 

It helped that Ben was a very good influence.

 

“Well it is working, girl!” Rose praised, “Tell me about therapy? How is it going?”

 

“Great!” Rey replied, “It’s actually going really well. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are some sessions I come out feeling totally drained but I go home and I get to reflect on it, and I think I’m making progress. Small steps, but progress anyway,”

 

“That’s awesome!” Rose smiled, “I’m so proud of you for going. I know it wasn’t an easy decision,”

 

“Turns out it was easier than I thought,” Rey stated, “I just needed a wake-up call, you know?”

 

“I wish I’d known,” Rose sighed regretfully, “I just assumed that you were happy. That you were just doing what you wanted to,”

 

“I mean, I was happy...for a while. That night changed a lot of things, but I think me needing this attitude adjustment has been on the cards for a long time,” Rey admitted. 

 

The waitress approached, Rose and Rey ordering their food and waiting until she’d departed to continue speaking.

 

“I actually have to talk to you about something,” Rey began cautiously, “Something I don’t think you’re going to like,”

 

“Hit me with it…” 

 

“Remember how I told you that Ben and I talked? How he came to the apartment?” 

 

Rose’s face darkened. She remembered very well but was unaware that Rey had left out a lot of finer details. As far as Rose knew, Ben had come over, they’d talked and Rey had forgiven him. That was all, but it was enough for her to remain sour.

 

“Yes…”

 

Rey took a deep breath.

 

“Well, we’ve been seeing a lot of each other. We’ve actually been dating…” she confessed quietly. Rose sat back in her seat, staring at her friend with a frown on her face, “Look, I know you’re still angry at him-”

 

“You’re damn right I am,” Rose cut in, “What he said to you was disgusting. Honestly, I can’t believe you even forgave him so quickly,”

 

“What was the point in holding on to it?” Rey asked firmly, “I didn’t forgive him just for him, I did it for myself too! I didn’t want it to become this nasty, bitter little thing between us not when I love him,”

 

“You love him?”

 

“Yes, and he loves me,” She pressed. Rose looked thoughtful, the pair at a quiet standoff as two diet cokes were placed on the table.

 

“I know you told me this before, that you love him, but how do you know?” Rose questioned, “Is it really love or are you both just so...clueless with the whole thing that you can’t tell the difference?”

 

“Hey!” Rey cried indignantly.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just saying...I’m not trying to put doubt in your head,” she defended, “I just don’t want to see you dive in too soon,”

 

“We’re taking it slow,” Rey said evenly, “I just...I wanted to tell you because you’re my best friend and honestly, I’m sick of this group still walking on eggshells around each other! I’m not choosing between my best friend and my boyfriend!”

 

Rose smiled.

 

“So he’s your boyfriend?” She asked, her smile inquisitive. Rey nodded firmly.

 

“He is,”

 

“It’s weird hearing  _ you _ say that,” she laughed, “Does he make you happy?”

 

“Yes, he really does,” Rey insisted, “I think I’m the happiest I’ve been for a really long time,”

 

“Alright,” Rose conceded after a beat of silence, “If he makes you happy, then I will try and forgive him too,  _ but _  if he ever hurts you…”

 

“He won’t!” Rey assured her quickly, “Besides, I’m just as likely to hurt him. There’s two messed up people in this relationship,” she jested. 

 

Their food arrived, Rose sneaking her sly looks as she picked up her fork.

 

“You guys haven’t…” she trailed off, making a crude gesture with her cutlery that caused Rey to almost snort her drink out of her nose.

 

“Not yet,” Rey replied, wiping her face with her napkin, “We both agreed to take things slow,”

 

“Slow? You? I didn’t think you knew the meaning of the word,”

 

“Haha,” Rey deadpanned, “This is important to me...I want to do it right,” Rose sensed the hesitation in her voice.

 

“But?”

 

“But it’s so difficult!” She suddenly whined, “Have you  _ seen _ him! He’s so sexy and he doesn’t even know it, which makes it worse because he’s giving me those big brown eyes and I just want to rip his shirt off and take a bite of those stupid, beautiful shoulders…”

 

“Alright, easy tiger!” Rose laughed, “Has he shown any interest to, you know, escalate?”

 

“I mean, yeah,” she blushed. 

 

More than one makeout session had turned to heavy grinding on the sofa, his erection strained under the confines of his jeans. They’d break apart breathing heavily with flushed faces, forcing their raging hormones to behave.

 

“But Ben doesn’t think about sex the way I did. For him, it’s about connection more than just release and I understand that. I want to make sure  _ he’s _ ready,”

 

“Check you out,” Rose smiled proudly, “From forgetting guy’s names to actually taking  _ feelings _ into account!”

 

“Therapy must suit me,” Rey smirked, “But I won’t lie...I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. He is so-“

 

“Sexy. Yes, so you mentioned,” Rose rolled her eyes, “Want my advice?”

 

“Do I have a choice?”

 

“Get some fresh batteries,”

 

00000

 

Rey steadied herself, taking a deep breath before she pushed her way into Amilyn’s office, the lavender-haired woman smiling happily behind her desk.

 

“Rey, come on in!” She greeted, “You wanted to talk to me?”

 

“I did, yes,” she said nervously, taking a seat across from the desk, “I have to tell you something,”

 

“Is everything alright” Amilyn enquired with concern. Rey ran her hand through her hair.

 

“About 4 weeks ago...I was on a night out and I was assaulted by a guy. I got away, don’t panic!” She assured, seeing the horror on Amilyn’s face, “I didn’t want to tell you because...well, I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell anyone and I really didn’t want it if effect my work,”

 

“Oh Rey, I wish you would have!” Amilyn mourned, “We could have done something for you, given you the time off you need! What do you need? What can I do? Do you need to take some leave?” She asked hurriedly.

 

“No, thank you. I’m alright, honestly,” she smiled, “The reason I wanted to speak to you is about my writing. Since it happened, I’ve not really felt the same about the tone of my work,”

 

“It’s very popular, the feedback has been outstanding,” Amilyn said, “but I do understand completely,”

 

“I think what I was writing about is important. Women should be able to explore their sexuality and be single if that’s what they want to do,” Rey explained, “but I can’t deny anymore than it comes with issues and after my experience, I started thinking that there are so many women who have gone through the same thing. They just don’t feel like they can talk about it,”

 

“What are you proposing?”

 

“I want to write about it. Honestly, openly. I want to help  _ those _ women,” 

 

Amilyn looked thoughtful, tapping her chin with her hand.

 

“That’s quite a tone shift…”

 

“You always said you wanted me to write honestly, and this is as honest as it gets,” Rey implored her, Amilyn nodded in agreement.

 

“I did and I think you’re right. It is important,” Amilyn concurred, “As long as  _ you _ are comfortable with it…”

 

“I am. Honestly, I think it will be good for me. Cathartic,” Rey said honestly. Amilyn nodded.

 

“Well okay, get me a draft but provisionally you’ve got the green light,” she said, “Are you still happy to answer the questions on the website?”

 

“Absolutely! I just think my answers will be a little more rounded now,” Rey replied happily, “Thank you Amilyn!”

 

She left the office with a skip in her step, heading back to her desk to finish answering the questions for the weekly update. Lost in her thoughts as she began to read, she didn’t see Jessika appear next to her desk.

 

“Hey Rey,” she smiled, but her eyes seemed sad. 

 

Rey turned uncomfortably in her seat to face the woman. She hadn’t seen much of Jessika past the occasional greeting in the hallway. There was no ill will, but she still felt a little awkward.

 

“Hey Jess, what’s new?” She asked politely. The girl shrugged aimlessly.

 

“Nothing much, just going for a wander. Stretching my legs,” she muttered, “Actually, I wanted to get a chance to speak to you,”

 

“Oh?” Rey feigned nonchalance but her heart picked up pace.

 

“You’re close with Ben, right?”

 

_ Oh Jesus fucking Christ… _

 

“Um, yeah we’re pretty close,” Rey muttered. Jessika nodded shakily, wringing her hands.

 

“You don’t need to tell me, I shouldn’t really be asking but did he say anything to you...about me?” She asked anxiously, “It’s just...things were going so well,”

 

_ Golden rule number 40: Poker face  _

 

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Rey lied, “He kept those things pretty private,”

 

“Oh,” disappointment was clear on Jessika’s face, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked…”

 

“It’s okay,” Rey said gently, “I understand,”

 

“I just...I really liked him,”

 

_ Ground swallow me whole… _

 

Her phone buzzed on the desk, a message flashing up on the screen as she glanced towards the sound.

 

_ <Ben> Plans tonight? x _

 

“I get it,” Rey smiled tightly, turning back to Jessika, “Well, you know what they say, plenty more fish in the sea!” She said forcing cheer. Jessika laughed.

 

“If only that were true! Well, I can see you’re busy, I’ll leave you to it!” She smiled, “Maybe I’ll see you out at the weekend? Going to need some of your epic pulling power!” Rey chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of her neck.

 

“Yeah...maybe,”

 

When she was finally left alone, Rey picked up her phone, an uncomfortable feeling sitting in her gut.

 

_ <Rey> What did you have in mind? X _

 

00000

 

“What are the rules again?” 

 

“The game starts with a face-off. You have to get the puck into the opposite teams net for points. Players who get minor penalties have to leave the ice for 2 minutes...there’s way more but it’ll be easier to explain as we watch!”

 

Ben looked perplexed as they walked hand in hand through the main doors of Madison Square Garden. The crowds around them a sea of red, white and blue. Rey hadn’t quite gone so full on as to wear her jersey, but she still showed team pride with her Rangers scarf.

 

“I still can’t believe you got us tickets for the game,” she gushed. Ben gave her hand a squeeze.

 

“Well, a promise is a promise,” he replied, “I was thinking, why don’t you come back to my place afterward?”

 

Rey did the mental calculation. Depending on when the game finished, they wouldn’t be leaving the gardens until after ten, meaning by the time they reached his place it would be even later.

 

“That would be pretty late,” she said quietly.

 

“You could maybe stay the night...if you wanted to,” he said bashfully, looking to the ground as they walked. 

 

Rey schooled her face to remain calm. Staying the night was something she had never done in the past. Her visits to apartments were all business, so to speak, leaving almost the minute she was done. 

 

But this was Ben, and she saw another opportunity to prove to herself that her habits were changing. Another way to prove to him that he was different from the others.

 

“Well, I’d need to get a toothbrush, I don’t have anything with me,” she quipped, Ben’s face lighting up with an incandescent smile.

 

“I’m sure I’ve got some fresh spares,” 

 

Taking their seats at the side of the rink, Rey whistled.

 

“These are some sweet seats! How the hell did you get these?” She awed.

 

“Ah, I know a guy in who deals with some of the Rangers contracts and he managed to pull some strings,” he smiled smugly. Rey grinned, throwing her arms around him to kiss him on the cheek.

 

“Keep this up and I might just have to keep you,” 

 

The organ fired up, directly the crowd's attention to the idea.

 

“Don’t forget, fights are legal as long as you don’t punch the dude's helmet off,”

 

“That can’t be a thing…”

 

00000

 

Staying the night at Ben’s wasn’t what daunted her.

 

Of course, it was another milestone in a relationship that was going to be full of firsts for both of them but as they let the arena, content to wander hand in hand in the direction of his apartment, she realized it wasn’t so much the sleepover that worried her.

 

It was the temptation it posed.

 

They’d agreed to take things slow, for both their sakes. To see if they could repair the hurt and grow something beyond the initial infatuation. So far, so good but her willpower was beginning to stretch thin.

 

They arrived at his home, Ben helping her off with her jacket like a gentleman which did nothing for her self control.

 

“Drink? Thinking about a nightcap,” he said wandering towards the kitchen. Rey nodded, “What’ll it be? We’ve got Woodford Reserve, Macallan, and I picked up a nice bottle of Hibiki harmony blend the other day,”

 

“Macallan sounds good,” she agreed, hoping the whiskey relaxed her enough to send them into a peaceful sleep.

 

He reached up to the top of his cabinet, his jeans and the edge of his sweater parting ways just enough for her to get a peak of his Adonis belt. 

 

Rey gulped.

 

Accepting her glass they moved to his sofa, the soft leather sinking with the weight.

 

“Hockey then. What’s the verdict?” She asked, savoring the smooth alcohol. 

 

“It was cool, it wasn’t at all what I expected. I had fun,” he concurred, “I was never really into sports as a kid,”

 

“What were you into?” She asked curiously. A beat of silence passed as he took his own drink.

 

“Mainly piano. I played a lot,” he said nodding towards the instrument in the corner of the room, “Calligraphy, which I know sounds super lame…”

 

“So you’re good with your hands then?”

 

She said it without thinking, not realizing just how it sounded until she saw his eyes grow and the tips of his ears turn pink.

 

“Oh my God, I did not mean that!” She apologized, turning beet red. Ben only laughed but the blush remained.

 

“It’s alright. Who knows, maybe I am?” He shrugged, his schoolboy grin building a heat low in her belly.

 

The closer they became, the more she saw him relax around her. Sarcastic quips and flirty comments were becoming more frequent and she liked it. Outside of his polite, Boy Scout exterior, Ben Solo had the potential to be downright dirty when he wanted to be.

 

It was all about the company he was in.

 

He put down his glass, leaning forward where he sat to kiss her sweetly. Responding to him, she gently slid her hand around his neck, encouraging him on. His hands gripped her waist pulling her closer, the intensity building until she threw caution to the wind, throwing her leg over his hip to straddle his lap.

 

She gasped into the kiss, feeling his hips unconsciously push upwards, his cock already solid. Her hands in his hair, she moaned into his kiss, the pair grinding like teenagers in the back of a car.

 

This was the opposite of slow. 

 

“Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,” Rey babbled breathlessly as they pulled apart, “We’re meant to be taking it easy, this isn’t slow…”

 

“Don’t say sorry, It’s...it’s totally fine,” he panted.

 

“I just...I don’t want things to change between us and I know that sex is a big deal to you and I don’t want you to get freaked out because…”

 

_ I don’t want you to leave me… _

 

“Hey, shh,” he soothed her ranting, kissing her hand, “Sex is a big deal because...I guess for me it was always this intimate thing. I was never good at separating those feelings out so if I wasn’t totally invested in someone I just...couldn’t. I could barely get this far!”

 

It was something he’d worked through with his own therapist. In his younger years, his inability to commit to the act was the subject of locker room ridicule. At the age of 20 when he was with someone he thought he felt deeply for enough, he broke his virginity. It was an awkward fumble that ended with him realizing that there was no connection with the girl in question. He’d felt awful and they broke up soon afterward.

 

Rey nodded with understanding, moving to climb from his lap onto to find his arms holding her still.

 

“But I am with you,” he said shyly, “I can feel it,”

 

“I love you,” she said simply, her confidence in the fact growing more with every passing day, “But you’re right, we should take it slow...until we’re both completely certain that it’s the right step,”

 

He released her, Rey returning to her stop on the sofa next to him, both grabbing their drink to drain their glasses. 

 

Cuddled into his side, her body was still raring to go and as she felt him take a long, shuddering breath, she knew he was too. 

 

“This is good,” she declared, “This is...sensible, right?”

 

“Yes, totally. We’re adulting well,” he replied, shifting to try and ease the strain in his pants, “Besides, I don’t want to disappoint you…”

 

“You wouldn’t,” she said confidently, “You know...never mind,”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, If doesn’t matter!”

 

“Well now you’ve got to tell me,” he said with interest, turning to face her directly. She bit her lip.

 

“I mean, we don’t have to have sex,” she said carefully, “but we could...do other things. Ease into it?”

 

“Wh...What did you have in mind?” His eyes darkened and his breathing grew rough. She could see the apprehension on his face but his body language was still relaxed, spurring her on.

 

“I could...show you?” She suggested softly. From the way his throat bobbed and his pupils dilated, she knew it wasn’t an unwelcome suggestion.

 

His large hand cradled the back of her head, fingers tenderly sinking into her hair as he leaned in, catching her lips with his own to enthusiastically tell her what he couldn’t put into words.

 

Her body felt like it was on fire.

 

“Let’s go to bed,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please blame sweetkyloren and loveofescapism who both encouraged this cliffhanger...
> 
> (Love you both!)


	16. I Get Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As if I'd leave you all hanging for long...

The deep timbre of his voice immediately changed the atmosphere around them. A final shift from trepidation to anticipation.

 

It meant a lot to her that he had been the one to say it, his own way of confirming that he was more than willing.

 

Following him to his bedroom, the immaculate grey and black king size made up, she pulled him to her, caressing his lips softly with a side of temptation as her tongue teased the seam of his mouth. He groaned, pressing his body against hers with urgency as her hands grasped the bottom of his sweater. She hesitated.

 

“Okay?” She asked. Her question was answered by him taking control, pulling the sweater and tee shirt off his body in one upward motion, leaving him bare-chested and Rey’s mouth suddenly very dry.

 

The clothes he wore fitted him well but did nothing to divulge just how broad he was across the shoulders, how sculpted his chest was. She was very aware that she was staring, shaking herself from her appreciative daze to pull off her own shirt, his full lips attacking hers as she reached for his belt.

 

Her hands were trembling as she released the catch. Thoughts running a mile a minute, she worked to keep her mind calm but clearly, her caution was mirrored in her expression. His fingers grasped her chin, tilting her face to look up at him.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Sorry, I...I don’t know why I feel nervous…”

 

Maybe she did. All her previous encounters were with men she didn’t care about, sometimes she barely knew their name. Stripping down and letting loose wasn’t a problem because she didn’t care about what they thought. It was all about her own release.

 

But this was Ben. There were real feelings involved that heightened every sensation, her nerves sparking every time he touched her. It was like she’d been on drugs, her senses dulled. He’d sobered her and now she felt everything.

 

He was worried about disappointing her, but what if  _ she _ disappointed him?

 

“We don’t have to do anything,” he said but his husky tone betrayed his need. He sucked in a breath as her fingers trailed down his body.

 

“Oh, I want to!” She insisted, pressing a wet kiss to his chest. Stepping back, she undid her own jeans, stripping down to her underwear and blushing bashfully at his open-mouthed appreciative stare.

 

“You are so fucking beautiful,”

 

His declaration hit her hard. She couldn’t recall ever being called beautiful. Hot, sexy and everything else, but never beautiful and with such conviction. She climbed onto the bed, gesturing for him to join her. 

 

Shuffling up towards the headboard, her heart raced as he slipped from his jeans to crawl up the bed like a predator. He settled by her body, his skin hot against hers and his weight comforting when he kissed her, both moaning lightly as she ground against his body.

 

She could feel how hard he was, only the thin cotton of their underwear separating them. Frenzied kisses that grew sloppy in their need. His hand hovered over her, twitching with barely held control.

 

“You can touch me, it’s alright,” she breathed, “Please…”

 

She arched her back, emphasizing her instruction, almost whimpering as he traced her skin, his fingers exploring her body, growing in confidence as he did. 

 

“I want to know how to touch you. Show me...show me what to do,” 

 

She grasped his shoulders firmly, rolling him to his back, moving him somewhat awkwardly until he was sitting against the headboard with a mildly perplexed expression. She settled herself between his legs, her back pressed against his chest.

 

“Relax,” she whispered, “Follow my lead,”

 

She grasped his hand, pulling it down her body towards the apex of her thighs, her palm on the back of his hand. Dipping below the waistband, she couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped as his fingers made contact with her already soaked cunt.

 

“Fuck,” she gasped, her hand moving his to circle her clit with painfully slow precision, “Like that, just like that,”

 

His lips trailed her neck, peppering her skin with damp kisses. She was helpless to him, the sound of his ragged breathing in her ear, hot and heavy as he grew more comfortable. Her hand stopped its instruction, simply resting on his as he continued to drive her pleasure higher. 

 

“Does that feel good, sweetheart?” He crooned by her ear, her back arching as he began to move faster. She nodded, her breath coming in pants.

 

“So good, baby. So good,” 

 

“You’re perfect. Absolutely perfect. I love you,”

 

She’d never experienced something so arousing, so intimate in her whole life. Her insecurities melted away, his words making her feel more beautiful and wanted than she ever had before. 

 

His other hand was roaming her body, fingers grazing her nipples below her bra. Pushing him further, she moaned shamelessly as a thick digit pushed into her with ease, setting his pace as she moved his second hand to continue playing with her clit.

 

He was a fast learner, picking up on the whimpers and moans she made, emphasized by her babbled encouragement, her legs spreading wider as her hips met his pace. 

 

“Oh my God, fuck...Ben. That’s it, I’m so close…”

 

She clenched around his fingers, his lips at her neck as he pumped his hand relentlessly. Eyes screwed tightly, she came with a loud moan, a gush of warmth that joined her shaking body until her thighs clamped around his slowing hands.

 

Breathing hard, she was practically limp in his arms as she came down from her high.

 

“That was...holy shit,” she panted. She turned in his arms, showing her enthusiasm through her kiss.

 

“Did I do alright?” Something about the way he asked broke her heart. The uncertainty, the need to please. She kissed him again, stroking his face.

 

“Perfect,” she enthused, reveling in his proud smile, “I think it’s time I returned the favor,” she grinned playfully, kissing down his body. 

 

He was going to protest, tell her that she didn’t have to, but his painfully hard cock was in control of his higher functions. All he could do was sit back and watch awestruck as she grasped his boxers, lifting his hips for her to pull them away.

 

His erection sprung loose, solid and glistening at the tip. He groaned as her hand wrapped around the base of him, her tongue darting out to taste.

 

He forced himself to look down at her, not wanting to miss a moment of her sinful mouth on him. She swirled around his head before lowering her mouth around him, taking him as far as she could before hitting the back of her throat. When she added her hand to the movement, his eyes practically rolled back in his head.

 

Her hand pumped his shaft, her mouth sucking obscenely, cheeks hollowing with the effort.

 

“I...I’m not going to last. Fuck,” he groaned, a string of obscenities falling from his mouth.

 

His stomach muscles clenched, tightening and tingling as he came with a long, low groan, Rey catching his spend eagerly. Watching him fall apart under her touch might have been the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. It made her feel oddly powerful.

 

She grinned up at him, Ben grabbing her under the arms to pull her up to his lips. He could still taste himself on her lips, and he didn’t care. It lit something primal in him, like a marker that she was his. 

 

He slid lazily down to lie on his back, Rey joining him to drape over his body like a blanket.

 

“You’re amazing,” he said softly, his hand playing with her hair while she rested her chin on his chest, “Really,”

 

“Everything okay?” She asked uncertainly, “You’re not...I dunno, freaked out?” He shook his head, a sleepy but thoughtful smile on his face.

 

“Not in the slightest,” he assured her, “Everything feels...right with you. Are you alright?”

 

She cuddled closer to his bare chest. It was strange to her, this needy sensation. Like she couldn’t be close enough to him. Stranger still when she recalled that with her usual routine she’d have been halfway out the door by now.

 

“Perfect,” she repeated. He kissed the top of her head, Rey enjoying the rise and fall of his chest.

 

They lay together in contented silence, Rey’s chin resting on his body as she simply looked at him.

 

In a twist she never could have foreseen, the tables had turned. It was her hands that shook while he was an anchor for her. Reliable and steadfast. A sign that he was truly comfortable with her and where they were going.

 

She wanted to mention Jessika, but he was gazing at her with admiration that warmed her blood and she didn’t want to ruin their moment.

 

It was another first for them. There was no need to say anything.

 

00000

 

“How is everything going, Rey?” 

 

Rey sat on the sofa of Dr. Ahsoka’s office, her shoes kicked off and her feet curled under her on the sofa. She held her knees comfortably, relaxed as if she was simply kicking back in her own home.

 

“Things have been great,” she replied honestly, “Panic attacks haven’t really been a thing. I don’t think I’ve had one for weeks now,”

 

“That’s great, are you doing the breathing exercises we talked about?” Rey nodded.

 

“Every morning, and the grounding exercises if I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s good. It’s working,” she divulged, “I...I also told my boss about what was going on,”

 

“And how was that for you?” 

 

“A little scary,” she divulged, “Amilyn is great but, well, I have this image at work and I guess I was worried that would disappear,”

 

“An image?” Dr. Ahsoka enquired. 

 

“Yeah, like, my column in the print and on the blogs is all about sex and dating and all that other stuff,” she explained, “And that’s how I lived so I drew from a lot of my own experiences,”

 

“So you wanted to maintain that for the sake of your job?” Rey frowned thoughtfully shaking her head.

 

“No, I...I don’t think so. It’s more that I don’t want people to treat me differently. You know how it is, you tell someone about something horrible that happened and they give you that little head tilt with ‘Oh I’m so sorry!’ Then they treat you with pity,” she rambled, “I don’t want pity. I don’t need it!”

 

Dr. Ahsoka watched her change in demeanor, noticing how defensive she became. The hands around her knees tightened.

 

“Have people treated you with pity before?” She asked. Rey clenched her jaw, turning to look out the window with a bitter glare.

 

“Let’s put it this way if I had a dollar for every time I got that look when I told someone I was adopted,” she grumbled, “And it’s stupid because I didn’t miss out on anything! My adopted parents are amazing, loving people who gave me everything. They never missed birthdays, hockey games, recitals. Hell, my Dad worked two jobs to put me through college for fuck sake!”

 

“They sound wonderful, you always do speak very highly of them,” Dr. Ahsoka commented, “You never took their name though?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Your name. You are Rey Jackson but your parents are Cassian Andor and Jyn Erso-Andor,” she stated, “Was it your choice to keep your own name?”

 

“I...my parents didn’t change my name because they wanted it to be my choice if I did. They told me they wanted to be honest with me,” she said thickly, “I always appreciated that. They’re honest people, they’ve never lied to me,”

 

“So, why keep the name?” 

 

“Because it’s my name!” Rey growled, swallowing back the clawing feeling at the back of her throat, “Because...I...I always hoped maybe they were looking for me and if I changed it...they wouldn’t be able to find me,” she confessed, her voice cracking.

 

Dr. Ahsoka nodded with understanding, passing Rey the box of tissues for her to wipe her face.

 

“I just, I don’t understand…” she sniffed, “I don’t understand why they didn’t want me,”

 

“Abandonment is one of the hardest things a person can face,” Dr. Ahsoka said patiently, “It seems that you hold onto your old name as a way of still holding onto that past, but in order to move forward, we must let go of things we can’t control and look at it from another perspective,”

 

Rey blinked silently at the woman, waiting for her to elaborate.

 

“You were chosen by a couple to become their family. You were  _ chosen _ . Out of all the children in the world, they wanted  _ you _ ,” 

 

Rey sniffed loudly, breathing a long, shuddering sigh as she nodded in understanding. It was a point of view she’d never considered before. Yes, she was left behind by someone, but others had put her first. They were still putting her first. She’d clung onto the past for so long she was blind to it.

 

“I believe the reason you jumped from person to person, never getting close was that you wanted the chance to leave them before they could leave you,” Dr. Ahsoka surmised, “Because being on your own is easier than opening yourself up to that kind of rejection,”

 

Rey gave a watery laugh.

 

“So, I’m just another girl with abandonment issues?” She said sarcastically. Dr. Ahsoka laughed.

 

“I believe you are someone who has been hurt more than she’s willing to admit but is now trying to work through it all. It’s very brave of you,” she answered, “Tell me, how are things going with Ben?”

 

Upon hearing his name, Rey immediately brightened.

 

“Things are...progressing,” she smiled, “I stayed at his place for the first time a few days ago. It was weird, I’ve never stayed over at a guys house but it was...nice. I woke up and he was there and...it was comforting, you know?”

 

“Are you two still taking things slow, so to speak?” She asked. Rey blushed furiously.

 

“Um, kind of…”

 

“Kind of?” Rey didn’t miss the hint of amusement in the doctor's voice.

 

“Kind of as in we’ve done...stuff. We just haven’t had sex yet,” she mumbled, “I...I wanted to make sure that he was in a good place first. I didn’t want to ruin things,”

 

“And what about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“Were you in a good place?” She asked. Rey snorted a laugh.

 

“I’d have jumped his bones months ago. If you met him, you’d get it!” She laughed, “I am. I think we’re ready to take that step,”

 

“It’s very mature of you that you’re recognizing not only your own feelings but his as well, before making this decision. Think where you were only a month ago,” she praised, “I know it feels like this process is a never-ending road and for some, honestly, it is but you are truly making progress. I want you to realize that and allow yourself that moment of pride,”

 

Rey nodded again, balling up the ruined tissue in her hand, glad that she’d opted not to bother with makeup for her session.

 

She learned that lesson last time.

 

00000

 

**_You know me._ **

 

**_I’m the party girl you invite to the club. I’m the girl your Mother warned you about. The wing woman. The heartbreaker. The girl walking down the street at 4am with her heels in her purse._ **

 

**_The slut._ **

 

**_But I’m also the girl with a bachelors in journalism and creative writing. I’m the girl who builds her friends furniture when they just move in. I’m a Rangers fan. A whiskey drinker. I have been and always will be the woman who says that you can wear and do whatever you want, it doesn’t give someone the right to put their hands on you and no should always mean no._ **

 

**_And I’m the girl who was assaulted._ **

 

**_What I was wearing doesn’t matter. What I was doing at the time doesn’t matter. If I’d been drinking doesn’t matter. What matters is that I said no, I withdrew consent and he didn’t accept my answer._ **

 

**_When women are catcalled in the street, our fear isn’t for the words lobbied at us but the underlying truth that at any moment, should a man choose to, he could act on those words._ **

 

**_My experience pales in comparison to some, but it doesn’t make it less valid. So I want to hear from you. I want you to share your stories because ladies, you are not alone._ **

 

**_I know you_ **

 

It had been a week since her column was published both in the magazine and online. When Rey arrived at her desk on Monday morning, she found it covered 4 stacks of letters.

 

“Holy shit, what is all this?!” She cried, moving some of the stacks to get to her computer. Gwen leaned on the end of the partition, smiling at the mess in front of her.

 

“That is fan mail,” she said, “Well, I think, I don’t know. I haven’t read any! You asked for women across the world to get in touch and it looks like they did. I think you’ll find your inbox is also full,”

 

“Oh Jesus fucking Christ,” Rey breathed, falling back into her chair. She hadn’t even taken her jacket off, “How am I going to get through all of these?!”

 

“By starting at the beginning I suppose!” Gwen smirked, “Better get that coffee on.,”

 

“Thanks for the support,” Rey drawled, supposing that at least the stacks were bound with string and not scattered all over her desk.

 

Behind her, someone whistled.

 

“Wow, that’s some amount of mail!” Jessika awed, “I didn’t think people even wrote letters anymore!”

 

“Me neither. Apparently, my inbox is worse, I just haven’t had the chance to look yet,” she sighed, “But I did ask for this…” 

 

“Your article...my God Rey, I am so sorry,” Jessika sympathized, “I had no idea…”

 

“It’s fine,” Rey said kindly, “It’s really...it’s fine,”

 

Jessika nodded awkwardly.

 

“Oh, have you got your dress yet for the award celebration dinner?” She asked, changing the subject. Rey shook her head.

 

“Hadn’t even begun to think about it. I’ve still got time,” Rey shrugged, beginning to boot up her computer, “I’m sure I can grab Rose and we’ll go shopping for something!”

 

“Guess I’ll have to start looking for another date. I was going to take Ben but…”

 

Rey stiffened, sucking in a sharp inhale. Her stomach clenched. Jessika was going to find out eventually, and she knew that no matter how it came out that the other woman would be upset. It was never nice finding out an ex was with someone else, let alone with someone that you knew. She hadn’t spoken to Ben about it yet, but with the office so quiet, Rey wasn’t sure she’d get another chance.

 

“Oh yeah...about that-“

 

“Rey Jackson?” An unfamiliar voice called her, cutting her off and she turned with irritation.

 

“Yes?” Standing there was a delivery driver holding a bouquet of multicolored long stem roses. Reds, whites, yellows, and pinks all arranged in a beautiful display box.

 

“Delivery for you,” he smiled, handing her the Flowers. She accepted the beautiful bouquet dumbstruck, the sweet scent invading her nose. Placing them on the desk, she reached for the little card, instantly recognizing his elegant handwriting.

 

_ Rey, _

 

_ I love you and I’m so proud of you, sweetheart  _

 

_ Ben xx _

 

Her stomach flipped, a smitten smile lighting up her face as she hugged the card to her chest. He was without a doubt the sweetest guy she’d known. She could almost see the old Rey rolling her eyes, but she was a new person, and the new Rey was learning to relish the feeling of being cherished.

 

“I need to run to this meeting with the editors, see you later Rey!”

 

Looking up from her delivery, she hadn’t noticed that Jessika was already jogging away from her desk. 

 

_ Ah, shit…  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going so well for these two...


	17. Take A Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving everyone's opinions on relationships and situations so thank you for all your comments!

She needed a break.

 

It had been days and she was barely halfway through the mountain of personal stories and letters she’d been sent. Including her weekly blog, it made for heavy work days.

 

When Ben called asking if she wanted to meet him for lunch, it was a welcome pause. She smiled happily, spotting him at the window table of the diner.

 

“I am so happy to see you,” she said, kissing him lightly before she took off her leather jacket, hanging it on the back of the chair. 

 

She bit her lip, shamelessly taking him in. The sleeves of his black button-down shirt were rolled up, exposing his forearms in a way that made her pulse race. It was like the floodgates had been thrown open, their first sexual encounter bringing them even closer. 

 

“Long day?” He asked. She nodded, asking the waiter for a Diet Coke.

 

“The longest and it’s not going to end any time soon,” she sighed, “Actually, we do need to talk,”

 

His head snapped up with barely concealed panic on his face that she didn’t understand. A beat of silence passed and she was certain he’d stopped breathing. Realization dawned.

 

“Oh! No...no no no, not like that!” She insisted, hurriedly, Ben’s whole body slumping with relief.

 

“Please don’t do that to me,” he mumbled testily. 

 

“Sorry, but...I’m not sure you’ll like it anyway,” she said, “We need to tell Jessika about us,”

 

The waitress returned with her drink, taking a food order from the pair. Ben waiting to speak until she’d departed. 

 

“She messaged me the other day,” he replied carefully. Rey straightened, her face wary.

 

“Saying what exactly?” 

 

“Nothing much, just asking how I was, what I was up to...if I wanted to meet,” she was about to open her mouth when he added, “I haven’t replied!”

 

Rey felt herself relax as he reached across the table for her hand.

 

“She asked me about you, the other day, she asked if you ever spoke to me about her,” Rey confessed, “I told her that it never really came up in conversation. Ben, she really likes you...I don’t think she’s taking your breakup well…”

 

“Can you really call it a breakup? We were only dating for about six weeks. We didn’t even say we were exclusive,”

 

“That doesn’t matter,” she stressed, squeezing his hand, “She clearly felt  _ something _ with you,” she mumbled, avoiding his eyes. Ben dipped his head, trying to force her to look at him.

 

“Well, I didn’t,” he said firmly, “Rey, look at me,” reluctantly she lifted her chin, watching him with hesitation, “I love you,”

 

“I know,” she gave him a half smile, “I love you too. We need to tell her. I work with her, we’re still friends,”

 

“I’ll do it,” Ben promised, “I’ll meet with her and I’ll tell her. I was the one who dated her, it’s only right,”

 

“You’re going to meet with her? Won’t that give her the wrong idea?” Rey said anxiously, a foreign feeling of jealousy bubbling in her gut. 

 

“I’m not going because I  _ want _ to see her. I’m going to tell her that I’m with you,” Ben vowed, “Come on, please don’t look at me that way,”

 

“What way?” 

 

“Like you don’t trust me,” he said softly. There was no judgment in his tone and it only made her feel worse.

 

“I do trust you,” she relented, “Maybe it’s Jessika I don’t trust,” she added sullenly.

 

“Then trust  _ me _ when I say that I am perfectly capable of turning her down if that’s the case!” he assured her, “Besides, I haven’t even eaten you out yet,”

 

His flippant statement, laced with cheek and made exactly as she sipped her drink caused her to snort inelegantly, soda almost spilling from her mouth and nose. Scrambling or a napkin as she laughed away the scrap of worry that infected her thoughts.

 

“Aw see, she does remember how to smile,” he teased. Rey finished wiping her face.

 

“And to think you seemed so shy you asshole,” she giggled, “I think I’ve created a monster!”

 

“Yeah but I’m your monster,” he winked. 

 

Their food arrived, Rey smiling to herself. She remembered the first night they met, his cool standoffish demeanor masking social anxiety. Now she knew him, the real Ben stripped away of some of his insecurity, and she found she loved him all the more for it. 

 

She picked up her fork, mixing her salad, the weird sensation of Cola still in her nostrils.

 

00000

 

“Rey! I have an offer for you that you cannot refuse,”

 

Rey pushed herself back from her desk, her phone tightly tucked between her ear and shoulder as she twirled a pen in her hands, as was her habit. 

 

“I’m not sure I like the sound of this…”

 

“I have bagged two VIP guest list spots to, wait for it, The Boom Boom Room!” Rose cries happily. 

 

Rey stopped playing with her pen, grabbing the phone and sitting forward in her chair with interest.

 

“You’re kidding?” She gasped, “How did you do that?!”

 

The Boom Boom Room had always been top of Rose and Rey’s party bucket list. At the top of The Standard hotel in the meatpacking district of New York, the cocktail bar was simple enough to get into early evening but by late night when the elite of society came out to play, if you weren’t on the list, you weren’t staying long.

 

“My company has been hired to deal with The Standard’s publicity and I convinced them that I couldn’t possibly do my job to the best of my abilities without experiencing it for myself,”

 

Rey could hear her friends smug smile down the phone.

 

“So, are you in?” Rose enthusiastically asked, “I was thinking Friday night,”

 

Rey paused. She felt like she was in a type of lifestyle rehabilitation. Upon realizing her feelings for Ben, the urge to go out had been dwindling into nothing. There was a degree of association with the act. Bars and clubs were her hunting grounds, but she’d hung up her metaphorical net. 

 

She wondered if her caution stemmed from a fear that she’d relapse, fall back into old habits that didn’t make her happy but were easy all the same.

 

“I don’t know,” she muttered uncertainly, “I’ve got Ben…”

 

“And he’s going to what? Stop you from having a night out with your friend?” Rose questioned.

 

“No!”

 

“Girl, this isn’t a big game night. It’s a girls night with your best friend drinking free top-shelf cocktails,” Rose said patiently, “Besides, I have Finn!”

 

Rey’s eyebrows quirked with the thought, forgetting that all-important fact, but she was still ashamed that there was even the potential for the urge to take over. 

 

“We’ll get dressed up and let loose. Come on, it’s been so long since we’ve had an actual girls night!” 

 

“Alright, it actually does sound like fun,” she relented, hearing Rose squeal with excitement down the phone.

 

“Yes! It’s going to be so great, just like old times...well, not exactly like old times. Oh, maybe the boys can hang out and have a guys night?”

 

“You mean like a play date?” Rey smirked, chewing on her pen. 

 

“Exactly!” Rose laughed, “Okay babe, I have to run! Text me later,”

 

“Sure thing,” Rey agreed, putting down her phone. 

 

Pushing aside her trepidation, she focused on the notes she was making for the editors meeting, her mind drifting to the all-important subject of what she wanted to wear.

 

00000

 

She looked beautiful.

 

Ben smiled down at the picture message on his phone. She was beaming for the camera happily, her brunette hair curled, makeup done. She was wearing a skin-tight black body-con dress that showed off every inch of her svelte body, the skirt skimming her knee.

 

Rose was in the background of the picture, pulling a silly face with a glass of wine already in her hand.

 

When she told him about Rose’s night, he enthusiastically told her to have a good time with her friend. 

 

Something gnawed at him.

 

He trusted her, but jealousy is an ugly emotion that has no time for rational thoughts. Seeing her dressed up reminded him of the night they met, sitting in the booth of the gin bar watching as she flirted so easily with a stranger. The man had watched her with hungry eyes, and she’d accepted his drink with a silent promise that if she wanted to, she’d be leaving with him.

 

Shoving his phone in his pocket, he continued his walk towards Poe’s apartment, hoping that his friends could occupy his time. Still, a stab of irrational possessiveness stung at his chest. He hated it. He didn’t want to be  _ that _ guy but his baser instincts seemed to be having other ideas.

 

Appearing at Poe’s place, he was buzzed inside.

 

“There he is!” Poe shouted as he walked through the door, “How are you doing, buddy? Grab a beer!” Ben did as he was instructed, grabbing a drink from the fridge before joining Finn and Poe in the living room.

 

“You get the picture from the girls?” Finn asked holding up his phone, “Rose was so excited. Look how gorgeous she looks,” he gushed proudly, pointing to the screen. Poe rolled his eyes.

 

“Please tell me we’re not going to spend the whole evening talking about your girlfriends?” Poe groaned, “Honestly, who’d have thought I’d end up the fifth fucking wheel...maybe I’ll get a dog or something,” he muttered.

 

“Yeah...yeah, I got the picture,” Ben said sullenly, opening his can. Finn frowned.

 

“What’s the face for?”

 

“Nothing,” Ben dismissed, “Just a long ass day,”

 

Finn regarded him carefully, raising an inquisitive eyebrow as Poe moved from smoking near the open window, stubbing out his cigarette. His expression matched Finn’s as he sat down.

 

“Spill it,” Poe demanded. Ben avoided their eyes.

 

“There’s nothing to spill!”

 

“Bullshit!” Poe laughed, “I have known you since we were 19 years old and I  _ know _ when something is bothering you. It’s just us here, so why don’t you tell your ol’ buddy Poe what’s going on in that head of yours,”

 

Ben fell back heavily against the sofa with a tight frown, running his hand through his hair. He’d barely taken off his coat and already he felt like he was being interrogated. It was typical of Poe to know immediately that something wasn’t right. He’d always been that way, ever since they’d roomed in college. Sometimes it was a blessing in disguise.

 

It was mostly a pain in his ass.

 

“It’s...complicated,”

 

“Alright, captain Facebook status, that’s not an answer. How about we simplify it? Start from the beginning,” Poe said. Ben leaned forward on his knees, taking a large gulp of his beer for good measure.

 

“So, Rey is going out tonight and...I’m happy that she’s excited!” He insisted, “She doesn’t need my permission to do anything, I’d never, ever want her to feel like she needs to ask...I just...fuck, how do I put this?”

 

Finn gave him a knowing smile, sitting back and crossing his foot over his knee.

 

“You’re jealous,” he stated simply.

 

Ben shook his head shakily, waving his hand in protest.

 

“No! Not at all, It’s just...well-” he began his denial but Finn burst out laughing.

 

“Dude, you can’t deny it and you can’t run from it. Are you forgetting who my girlfriend is? Rose was  _ just _ like Rey before we got together. They are partners in crime and I was around as her friend a hell of a lot longer so I know all the shit she got up to,” he chuckled, “and I felt the exact same way,”

 

“You did?” Ben deadpanned, staring at him with interest, “And...how did you deal with it?”

 

“I trust her,” Finn shrugged, as if it were obvious, “We’re together. We’re a team. That negative energy, when I get all uptight about the idea of other guys looking at her? I turn it into pride because I’ve got a badass, beautiful girlfriend who chooses to be with me. Other dudes can look, but at the end of the night it’s me she's coming home to,” he said honestly.

 

Hadn’t that been what he’d told Rey? He’d told her to trust in him when she’d mentioned not trusting Jessika, that he would make it clear he was a taken man. Now the tables were turned. He had to push aside the insecurity and trust her. 

 

“Wow. I guess I never thought of it that way,” Ben mumbled, “Just...sometimes feels like it’s too good to be true, you know? I don’t get what she sees,”

 

“Shall I start with your dreamy brown eyes or your strapping bod?” Poe sniggered, “Guys, this is turning into an after-school special and as the only single man here, I’m begging you, please...stop, 

 

“You’re the odd one out here,” Finn smirked, “Maybe it’s time for you to find a guy or girl to settle down with?”

 

“Maybe I will get that dog,” Poe drawled, repeating his earlier sentiments, “Seriously, Ben, you want the truth? You have  _ nothing _ to worry about. Rey is the happiest I’ve ever seen her and I mean that. She loves you, anyone can see it...it’s sickening, actually,” he said, scrunching his face with elaborate distaste, “Both of you are so whipped…”

 

“Hey!” Finn protested, but Poe shrugged.

 

“I call it as I see it! Now, are we going to play some cards or are we going to talk about girls all night?”

 

00000

 

_ <Ben> You look absolutely stunning. Have a great night beautiful. ILY xx _

 

“Will you put your phone down?” Rose whined, “We’ve got an open bar and you’ve got the equivalent of twenty dollars in a glass to enjoy!”

 

“You were literally on your phone sending Finn a message, like, two minutes ago!” Rey replied, placing her phone back in her clutch, “Don’t deny it!”

 

Rose laughed, picking up her cocktail as she shook her head incredulously.

 

“Hard to believe isn’t it?”

 

“What is?” Rey asked, following suit. 

 

The pair were perched on barstools, leaning on the beautiful marble surface enjoying their complimentary drinks thanks to Rose’s connections. She sipped her martini, relaxing into the atmosphere of the chilled beats and ambient lighting.

 

“That we’d make it to this point,” Rose smiled, “Both of us settled into relationships with great guys. Both of us out in a bar without an ulterior motive. How does it feel?”

 

Rey looked up thoughtfully.

 

“I like it,” she smiled, “Remember how we used to do laps? Deciding if a place was worth staying at based on the potential of the guys?”

 

“Jumping between two and three clubs a night?” Rose commented, “I remember! You know, when I got with Finn, for a while...I kinda missed it though,”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” she confirmed, “I love him and I want to be with him, but when we first started dating, I thought I’d worry about feeling tied down or like I was missing out,”

 

Rey put down her glass, her finger tracing the damp rim absently, staring at nothing.

 

“Can I be honest with you?” She asked quietly.

 

“Always. You know that,”

 

“I was worried about tonight,” she said, “Worried that I’d want to fall back into old habits,” Rose nodded, listening intently.

 

“And how do you feel about it now?”

 

Rey looked around her, picking up her glass and sipping slowly. She was surrounded by beautiful people, affluent men in designer suits splashing their money whenever they could. 

 

Most were good looking. She’d even have gone far enough to say they might have been her type. A few smiled at her with eyes she instantly recognized. But rather than feel elevated by their praising looks, she felt...nothing. Indifferent. She didn’t know them. She didn’t want to know them. 

 

Because none of them were Ben.

 

“I feel like this is the best damn martini I’ve ever had,” Rey declared, lifting her glass in a toast, “And I can’t wait to see my boyfriend later!”

 

“Atta’ girl!” Rose cheered, toasting her friend. 

 

From the side of the bar, a gentleman she’d locked eyes with earlier approached. He wore a slim fitted grey suit, with a dark purple shirt, his dark hair slicked back. A Rolex peaked out from under his sleeve. In another life, he’d have been a perfect mark.

 

“Excuse me, ladies, I couldn’t help but notice you both look stunning this evening. Could I buy you a drink?” He purred, his voice smooth and his words well practiced. Rey glanced to Rose before she answered.

 

“No, thank you,” 

 

00000

 

Cards and multi-colored chips were scattered all over the table, their game abandoned to Poe’s chagrin.

 

He looked between Finn and Ben with annoyance, their lit cigars causing a cloud of smoke to hang above their heads and he could tell his perfect boys night wasn’t going to go as he’d hoped.

 

Because they hadn’t stopped talking about their damn girlfriends.

 

He took a long drag of his cigar, three of them pulled from his collection gifted by a client, letting the taste swirl before exhaling. He couldn’t begrudge them their constant blathering on the subject. Finn was still very much in the honeymoon phase and Ben, well, he had never seen Ben so happy. He was hardly about to put a dampener on it by being a single sourpuss.

 

But sex, now that was something he knew and he needed some entertainment. 

 

“Hey, out of interest, have you and Rey…” he made a crude gesture with his hands, Ben scowling with disgust.

 

“Knock it off!” He said, his speech loosened by the beer, “And...for your information, no we haven’t,”

 

Both Finn and Poe sat forward with interest.

 

“That  _ is _ a surprise!” Poe awed, “The way you two are, I was certain…”

 

“Well, we’ve not!” Ben snapped, “I mean, we’ve done...other things,”

 

“Please stop talking about this,” Finn groaned, “She’s practically my sister…”

 

“Ignore him,” Poe dismissed, facepalming Finn away lightly, “So you’ve done other things. What’s the problem?”

 

Ben sat with his face twisted, shifting uncomfortably where he sat under his friend's interested scrutiny. 

 

“You’re not a Virgin...are you?” Finn asked curiously.

 

“Depends if it can grow back…” Poe quipped, Ben throwing an empty can at his friend, smacking him in the face.

 

“No, I’m not,” Ben answered shortly, “But I’m not...sex isn’t a casual thing for me. You know that,” 

 

“Well what about the other stuff you said you’ve done,” Poe asked.

 

“The feelings are the same, but she’s  _ experienced… _ and I’m not and I don’t want to let her down,” he mumbled awkwardly, his eyes to the ceiling and cheeks turning redder by the second. He should have shut the conversation down the minute it had come up.

 

“Relax, Benjamin. We’re all friends here. This is a safe space,”

 

Poe grinned like a Cheshire Cat. He stood, walking to his drinks stand and returning with three glasses and a decanter, pouring amber liquid into each.

 

Ben felt a cold pit of dread form in his stomach as the glass was pushed into his hand.

 

“You need a teacher!”

 

Ben’s eyes widened.

 

_ Jesus take the wheel... _


	18. Sex Ed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pleased to announce that I have PASSED all of my finals! I now have a whole 10 days to relax before I take off for Japan where I'll be wrestling for 6 weeks. Don't you lot worry though, I will have my laptop with me and I'll still be writing this tale. We've got a little more to go ;)
> 
> I hope this chapter comes across the way I'd like it to, I'm certain you'll all let me know your thoughts (of which there are many. You guys have the best theories!) so please enjoy this brief pause in the impending drama...
> 
> Cause this is mainly just sexy times ;)

He could have been anywhere else in the world.

 

Anywhere else would have been ideal at that moment but instead, his friend was standing in front of him like he was preparing to give the most sordid lecture known to man. Finn was sitting off to one side, torn between fits of laughter and groans of disgust.

 

Five beers and a shot of whiskey deep, Poe strutted in front of him with a tipsy smile and glassy eyes. No matter how much Ben drank, nothing seemed to be getting to him, as if the sheer mortifying experience prevented any alcohol absorption in his nervous system. 

 

_ Whiskey has forsaken me… _

 

“Boys, there is nothing more mysterious than the female body…”

 

“Good lord,” Ben groaned, smothering his face with his hands. Undeterred, Poe continued.

 

“We think we know...but we know  _ nothing _  because what works for one lady will not work for another,” he explained, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “Now, Benjamin-”

 

“Please stop-”

 

“Quiet when class is in session,” Poe scolded, Finn on the verge of an asthma attack, his eyes bulging as he suppressed his laughter, silently shaking, “Obviously, I don’t know Rey in that way. We’ve never had that kind of relationship and, honestly, the idea of her naked makes me very sad…”

 

“Same here,” Finn chimed in. Ben scowled at both of them.

 

“And if we could please stop discussing my girlfriend naked…”

 

“So, that means this lesson is going to be more of a general purpose talk. A biology lesson of sorts,” He said, “Okay...so, you know what a clit is right?”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Ben cried, his face practically scarlet as he jumped to his feet. 

 

“Is that a no?” 

 

“Poe, I’m an asshair away from throwing you over that balcony!” Ben growled, pointing at his friend, “I know what I’m doing…”

 

“But you just said-” Finn began, his words cut off when Ben whirled on him.

 

“I know what I just said!” he hissed, gesturing wildly with his hands, “And  _ this _ whole thing...is not what I meant and it’s not fucking helping you assholes!”

 

“You know, I find tickling behind the knee really makes some girls-”

 

“Poe!” Ben barked, “Look, Rey has got more experience in the bedroom. That’s all I’m saying. I’m just not sure how I’m going to measure up in comparison,” he huffed, slumping back onto the sofa wishing the ground would swallow him whole.

 

Poe frowned thoughtfully, glancing at his crotch.

 

“Do you mean…” he held up his hands, slowly opening the distance between his palms until Ben realized what he was implying.

 

“No!” Ben groaned, “How the hell did you ever pass the bar?!”

 

“I’m a very intelligent man!” Poe grinned, lighting himself another cigar. 

 

Ben grumbled obscenities under his breath. He loved his friends, really, he did and he knew Poe meant well, even with his blood alcohol on the rise. Finn chuckling next to him didn’t help matters. The younger man sat forward patting Ben’s knee sloppily.

 

“Benny Ben-Ben,” He sighed, “Want my advice?”

 

“No,”

 

“You are overthinking all of this. You’re getting stuck inside your own head,” Finn said seriously, despite his slightly slurred speech, “I can promise you, Rey loves you. Like, real love. She’s doing that annoying thing when we’re hanging out, she’ll just randomly spout some fact about you that I didn’t need to know-”

 

“Hey, you do that about Rose!” Poe accused.

 

“Not the point,” Finn shrugged, “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you guys are sickening and you don’t have anything to worry about,”

 

Ben sat up, pushing his hair out of his eyes, shooting Finn a grateful smile.

 

“Thanks,” Ben said sincerely, “That’s...oddly helpful,”

 

“What about me? I have so much knowledge I could share!” Poe cried indignantly, his lit cigar in one hand and his glass of whiskey in the other. Finn sighed heavily, shaking his head.

 

“Astounding that you’re still single,”

 

Ben’s phone rang, his hands rushing to answer. Anything to give him some distance from his cringe-worthy company. It had barely rung twice when he pressed the call.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Oh, wow, that was quick,” Rey laughed, “Hardly heard it ring,”

 

“It was already in my hand,” Ben lied, “Everything okay?”

 

“Everything is great,” he could hear the smile in her voice, “We’re actually heading home now. I know you’re having your guys night but I was wondering if you wanted to meet me back at your place? I’ve missed you,”

 

_ She missed me... _

 

He smiled widely, ignoring Poe’s inquisitive looks while Finn was texting on his own phone. It didn’t take a genius to work out who the other man was talking to. 

 

“I’d love nothing more,” he promised, “I’ll meet you there,”

 

“Good cause I’m already in the cab,” she giggled, “See you soon,”

 

Hanging up, he was preparing to stand but Finn beat him to it.

 

“Well, I gotta go!” He declared, “Rose is making me an offer I can’t refuse,”

 

“Aw come on, you gotta be kidding!” Poe cried, “What happened to ‘bros before-‘“

 

“Don’t say it!”

 

“-very nice ladies…” Poe finished awkwardly, “Ben, you too?!”

 

Ben stood as well, grabbing his jacket happily.

 

“Not that your lecture hasn’t been fascinating,” Ben deadpanned, “Really, I can't wait to read your thesis,”

 

“Judas,” Poe muttered, folding his arms petulantly, “Alright, fine. Go to your happy relationships,” he relented, hugging his friends and waving them off.

 

It was hard to hold it against them when they looked so happy. Pouring himself one last whiskey, he turned on some late night TV.

 

“Maybe I  _ will _ get that dog,”

 

00000

 

When he arrived at the door of his building, she was already waiting for him under the canopy.

 

“You look beautiful,” he smiled, enjoying the bashful blush that appeared on her face.

 

“You already said that,” she replied, accepting his chaste kiss. His arm wrapped around her lower back as he lead her inside the building towards the elevator.

 

“I did but that was a picture,” he shrugged, “You look even better in person. Did you guys have a good night?”

 

“Yeah, we did. Just sat at the bar, had a couple of drinks and caught up,” she said, “It was nice. How was your guys night?” 

 

Ben’s mouth moved in thought, his eyes cast to the ceiling of the elevator as he tried to put into words the bizarre tone shifts the night had held. From remarkably sincere bonding moments to humiliating pep talks, it had been all kinds of disorientating. He certainly wasn’t about to mention to Rey his insecurities about her evening without him. She was glowing, relaxed and happy. There was no need for him to ruin that.

 

“It was...fun,” he decided, “It was actually fun, overall. Nice to catch up and remind myself that Poe is, in fact, my best friend...somehow,”

 

They arrived at his door, Ben pushing the key into the lock to let them inside.

 

“I’m sorry I pulled you away from that,” Rey said regretfully. Ben helped her out of her jacket, hanging it up for her as she kicked off her high heels, “Sounds like you were having a good time,”

 

“Actually your call arrived at the perfect time. Rose clearly wanted Finn to come home,” he chuckled, deciding not to mention Poe’s feeble attempts to help their sex life, “The night was winding down,”

 

She approached giving him an appraising look, her arms looping around his neck as she pulled him down to brush her lips over his. Hands on her hips, his fingers gripped the soft swell as his tongue tested her, content when he felt the soft vibration of a moan, her body pressing more insistently against him.

 

The insecurities he’d held before seemed so insignificant now she was there, in his home, in his arms. She’d appeared so unexpectantly into his life, like a gift from the universe he wasn’t aware he’d needed. Someone who had woken him up, forced him to acknowledge uncomfortable truths about his perception of the world and for all her own walls that she’d built, she’d done it with a smile on her face all the same.

 

So, what was he afraid of?

 

Her hand was in his hair, fisting lightly at the nape of his neck. The sting balanced the line between pain and pleasure, small shocks rushing along his spine. He found himself being walked towards the bedroom, their kiss heated and urgent as the back of her knees hit the bed.

 

They tumbled together, Ben barely catching his weight before he crushed her. It didn’t halt their frantic movement, hands pawing and tugging at clothes, his shirt tossed across the room as she reached for the zipper on her dress. He sat back, carefully peeling the fabric from her body until she was in nothing more than scraps of black lace. Almost mesmerized by the sight lying on his bed, he made quick work of his jeans.

 

“I want you,” he breathed heavily, sitting back on his knees between her spread legs, “All of you, but...I want to make it good for you,”

 

Rey smiled, catching her lower lip between her teeth. He was so honest, vulnerable to the last and it warmed her blood, a rush of overwhelming appreciation for him flooding her senses. Gesturing for him to come closer, she kissed him reverently, stroking his hair, his face.

 

“I love you,” she breathed, the sincerity of her declaration catching her off guard. 

 

They said it to one another many times but something Rose had spoken about always stuck with her. Was it really love? Or was it the idea of infatuation, hormones and new experiences all mixing together to create something that only felt a lot like it. Lying there with him, had he changed his mind, decided he wasn’t ready, Rey wouldn’t have cared less because he was with her and that’s what mattered. He’d seen her at her lowest and more importantly, he’d stayed.

 

She loved him.

 

Like a wire pulled too tightly, the tension between them finally broke. She found herself under his weight, pressed into the pillows of the bed whimpering against his insistent lips. A needy whine left her throat when he pulled away, sitting back to remove her panties, throwing the soaked fabric to the floor.

 

Endearingly she could see his mind working as he gazed at her, her body practically vibrating from anticipation. He placed himself between her knees, sliding down until his chest met the mattress.

 

“What do you need?” he asked, low and rougher than she’d ever heard him. In the dull light of the room, his eyes almost seemed black.

 

“Start slow,” she instructed shakily, snaking a hand down her body to her heat. She heard him inhale sharply, knowing he was watching as she circled her clit with the pad of her finger, “Focus more around here,”

 

The sudden feel of his tongue flicking against the tight bundle of nerves had her gasping, her hand moving to stroke his hair, encouraging his exploration. Doing as he was told, he began with long slow strokes through her folds, savoring her taste before swirling undetermined patterns around her clit, her back arching as he held her thighs down with his arms.

 

“Oh my God, just like that...you’re doing so good,” she moaned, sitting up slightly.

 

The view was one of the most filthy she’d ever seen, his dark eyes locking with hers as he licked and experimentally sucked, the action taking her breath away, head tipping back to meet the pillows. 

 

He listened for her tells, what actions made her body twitch. Along with her encouraging moans, the light pulls on his hair, he could tell from her panting that he was on the right track and she was close.

 

“Fuck. Ben, Ben, Ben!” 

 

She chanted his name like a debauched prayer, her hands twisting in the sheets of the bed as she came, her thighs tightening and shaking around his head. He continued his attention, working her through the aftershocks until she pulled him back lightly by his hair, the area oversensitive.

 

Blinking at him bleary-eyed, still dizzy from her high, she watched him wipe his face proudly. 

 

“You...are a fucking ringer, I’m sure of it,” she laughed lightly, removing her bra with quivering hands, “Or you’re just naturally talented,”

 

The smile on his face had her undone. Lopsided, excitable and bashful, he really had no idea just how attractive he was and it made her want him all the more. Bolstered by her praise, he stripped his boxers, his cock bobbing free.

 

“We’re not done yet,” 

 

She clenched at the prospect, the tone of his voice rumbling through the room as he crawled up her body, boldly pressing kisses against her ribs. His tongue swirled a nipple, noting her reactions to everything he was doing. The heat of his hard length grinding against her skin was driving her desperate.

 

His hand scrambled around the drawer of his bedside table, pausing as he pushed off her to have a look.

 

“Fuck!” he spat.

 

“What?”

 

“We, uh...we don’t have any condoms,” he muttered remorsefully. 

 

Rey stared at the ceiling. For the first time in her adult life, she didn’t have any condoms in her bag. Assuming she didn’t need them and had not planned to come back to Ben’s, she’d left them out of her clutch. She groaned at her past self.

 

But this wasn’t some random guy on a one night stand, it was Ben and she wanted him.

 

“I...I’m on birth control,” she said, “And I'm clean, I get checked like clockwork,” 

 

He turned back, staring at her like she was offering him a million dollars cash without a catch.

 

“Are...are you sure?” he asked hurriedly, “I know you have rules…”

 

“Ben, I want you. I don’t have rules with you, I’m winging it!” she said sincerely, “If you don’t want to I understa-”

 

He was on her again, kissing away her doubt, silently assuring her that he most definitely did want to. 

 

His forearms braced either side of her head as their kiss slowed, lips barely a breath away as the head of him nudged at her folds. Forehead to forehead, tandem elated moans as he pushed home, his girth stretching her perfectly. Her fingers gripped into his shoulders as she shuddered.

 

“Okay?” He whispered, opening his unfocused eyes. Clinging to him tightly, she nodded urgently.

 

“Perfect, you’re just...you’re big,” she said throatily, Ben following her panted laugh, easing any further tension he felt, “I need you to move,”

 

With a painful precision, he did. A slow drag stoking a fire that threatened to melt the bones of her. Quick, nameless trysts had nothing on what she felt now, clinging to his body as he rolled his hips methodically.

 

She felt transfixed by him, the complete devotion in his gaze tearing down every barrier she had. Every movement brought a moan from her lips as he pulled a single leg up and over his hip, not changing the dizzying pace but pushing him deeper until he brushed that particular patch of nerves that caused her to cry out. 

 

It wasn’t carnal or visceral. There was no aggression. A sheen of sweat covered their bodies, Ben sensually rocking into her over and over as they chased release together.

 

“Faster baby, just a little faster,” it sounded like a plea, his head dropped to her collar bone as he did what she asked. She moaned in bliss, her nails digging into the meat of his back.

 

The build was slower but so much more than her body had ever experienced and she keened, her back arching violently as she came hard, stars flashing behind her closed eyes while she experienced waves of white-hot pleasure. His own thrusts grew erratic, his hips stuttering as he followed with a long, slow groan, both gasping for breath at the crook of her neck.

 

He was still for a moment before he rolled off her body. Rey blinked at the ceiling, horrified as a familiar pressure stung behind her eyes. When he turned to her, he could see the outline of tears in the darkness.

 

“Rey?” He rolled onto his side, anxiously reaching for her. She snorted a laugh, wiping her eyes hastily. 

 

“I’m okay, I’m good!” She insisted, offering him a watery smile, “These are happy tears, I promise!”

 

“Are you sure?” He asked uncertainly. She nodded, kissing him softly.

 

“Yeah, I just…” 

 

How could she put it into words? Years of using sex as a way of owning her own body, of controlling her own life and experience had never prepared her for the onslaught of feelings she’d experienced with him. She felt cherished, safe and above all, loved.

 

“You’re really special, you know?” She finished. 

 

He offered her a genuine smile, pulling her to his chest while his hand absently stroked her bare back. She listened to the sound of his heart, inhaled the scent of his skin and the feel of him against her, committing it to memory.

 

“I get it,” he said, pressing a kiss to her crown, "I love you,"

 

She didn’t want to be anywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feelings. So many feelings...


	19. Five Things You Can See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jessika totally didn't see the card on the flowers fyi...

She was certain that staring at people while they slept was frowned upon in civilized society.

 

Yet there she was, lying on her side with her eyes fixed on his peaceful face, wondering if he’d wake if she began to map out the various beautiful marks on his skin. 

 

_ Don’t poke him in the face, you weirdo… _

 

She’d dozed but really her mind was still processing, reliving, their moment. It was, she decided, by far the best sex she’d ever had but it had nothing to do with his technique. Although the torturously sensual pace had her body singing, it was the connection between them that took her breath away. 

 

Raw, vulnerable, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. Past experiences didn’t matter. Ben did. Their relationship did.

 

She couldn’t wait to tell her therapist about her epiphany.

 

“Rey,”

 

“Ah!” She yelped, flinching at the sound of his gruff, sleepy voice suddenly breaking the silence. 

 

“You’re staring at me,” he stated, slowly opening his eyes, “Why are you staring at me?”

 

“Sorry,” she mumbled sheepishly, “Just...Nope, I don’t have a reason. Just being a creep,”

 

He chuckled throatily, brushing some stray hair from her face.

 

“At least you’re a cute creep. I’ve woken up to Poe in the past. That’ll give you nightmares,” he laughed, “Feeling okay?” He asked tentatively.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“No urge to run for the hills?” He asked playfully but there was worry laced through his words. 

 

She smiled happily, sinking down to lie on his chest.

 

“I’m going nowhere,” she promised, “I’m afraid you’ve made an honest woman out of me! Stuck with me now,”

 

“Good,” he grinned, “What are your plans today?”

 

“Well, I’ll need to go home to change. I’m supposed to be shopping with Rose for something to wear to that awards dinner for work,” she pondered, “And I’ll need to keep going through those letters,”

 

“Still?” He asked in surprise, “Jesus, how many did you get?”

 

“No official count yet but including my emails, we’re sitting at almost the thousand mark,” she sighed, “It’s...a lot,”

 

Reading the stories of other women had been taking up most of her working days. She took in every detail from the innocent to the macabre and it left her exhausted. More than once, she’d been triggered. She’d feel the thickening sensation in her windpipe and have to rush from her desk to an empty meeting room, sitting in the dark trying to remember the steps Dr. Ahsoka gave her to quell her rising anxiety.

 

“But you’re doing alright? Handling it all?” He inquired. 

 

She nodded insistently, brushing off his concerned question. There was no need to worry him.

 

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. It’s just taking up a lot of my time, that’s all,” she excused, “but they deserve it, all of them. I have to finish them,”

 

“Well, I’m proud of you sweetheart,” he smiled, “I think you’re amazing,”

 

“I think you’re biased,” she winked. 

 

Ben stretched his arms above his head, the covers slipping down his naked body as Rey hid a smug smile. 

 

_ I get to keep him… _

 

“Anyway, what are your plans?” She asked, clearing her throat.

 

Ben shifted uncomfortably, pushing himself into a sit. Rey watched the expression on his face shift into something akin to irritation.

 

“I’m meeting Jessika today,” he grumbled. 

 

Rey’s face fell, hugging the sheets closer to her chest. Of course he was, he’d told her as much. It was different this time, she was secure in Ben’s feeling, in their relationship, but that didn’t make it any easier.

 

“Shit…”

 

“I’m going to tell her about us, make sure there’s no ambiguity about where we stand,” he said firmly.

 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Rey asked, immediately shaking her head of the idea, “No, wait...awful idea. Just terrible…”

 

“Thank you but it’ll be fine...I think,” he smiled, “It’s just...one of those sucky things that I need to nip in the bud now,”

 

“Check you out, all adult and stuff!” She teased to lighten the mood, pinching his cheek. He grabbed her hand, spinning her to pin her to the bed as she giggled.

 

“Mmhmm, did you know they let me practice law as well?” He asked rhetorically, Rey grinning below him where he’d pinned her wrists above her head.

 

She pouted playfully, her bare chest heaving and her hips pinned below his sizeable weight. Hair a mess, cheeks flushed with a happy glow, she was a picture between his sheets.

 

He leaned in to kiss her, long and slow, as if she hadn’t already been putty in his hands. He smiled at her wickedly, all dimples and disheveled hair.

 

“Do we have time?” He asked.

 

She didn’t need to ask what for.

 

“All the time in the world,”

 

00000

 

_ How does one break up with a person for the second time because the first time didn’t sink in? _

 

Clearly telling Jessika that he just didn’t feel the same way wasn’t enough closure for the girl. In his mind, saying he felt differently was clear as day, but what did he know? He was only on his second  _ real _ relationship and he planned to keep it. 

 

Which was why things had to go smoothly with his ex. It felt like a weird thing to call her considering they’d never made anything official. A handful of dates, some messages back and forth and an unsuccessful seduction attempt did not an epic romance make.

 

Again, what did he know?

 

Checking his watch, he was right on time approaching the area of the park he’d suggested by the Bethesda Fountain. It was far enough away from Rey’s favorite spot. 

 

“Ben, over here!” 

 

He heard his name called enthusiastically. Turning he found Jessika already seated by the edge of the water. Ben gulped uncomfortably. It was easy to see she’d made the effort. Sandy colored over the knee heeled boots met blue skinny jeans and a cream cashmere sweater. Her makeup was evening-ready, her hair freshly blown out.

 

She’d come to play.

 

“Hey Jess,” Ben greeted.

 

She smiled widely at him, her eyes practically sparkling. He stifled a sigh.

 

“It’s so good to see you!” She purred, “I was thrilled when you said you wanted to meet. I feel like we have a lot to talk about,”

 

_ Oh boy… _

 

“Listen, I-“

 

“Please let me go first,” she asked, Ben’s mouth snapping closed as he tried not to fidget with his hands, “I feel like I might have put too much pressure on you to take things at a faster pace, and I scared you off, but I really think that we had something-“

 

“Jess, I need to-“

 

“I was hoping that a little space would give you a chance to breathe and maybe we can start again,” she smiled, placing a well-manicured hand on his forearm, “And this time, we go as slow as you want. I really like you, Ben, I think we’d be great together,” 

 

He was sure his eyes betrayed the sheer horror he felt, the rest of his face a blank mask as she finished talking. The girl had poured her heart out to him, honest in a way he almost envied. He uncomfortably withdrew his arm.

 

“Jessika, I need to tell you something and...it’s not going to be easy to hear,” he said carefully, “When I told you that we had to break it off because I didn’t feel the same way, I meant it. There’s no nice way to say this, but I’m in a relationship with someone else,”

 

She sucked in a breath, flinching as if he’d slapped her. He sat silently, allowing her to process what she’d just been told.

 

“How long?” She asked quietly, pulling herself back slightly, “Did...did it start while you were still seeing me?”

 

_ Sort of… _

 

“Nothing happened while we were dating,” he said, the white lie designed to ease the hurt he was already causing, “But I can’t deny that there were feelings. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but...I’m very serious about this. I fell in love,”

 

She sniffed loudly, her eyes filling with tears she was desperately trying to hide. Turning from him, she stared out towards the lake, avoiding his remorseful face.

 

“Well, that...that’s great,” she stammered, wiping hastily at her face, “I’m very happy for you,”

 

Ben took a deep breath, bracing himself to deliver what he assumed was the killing blow of his news. 

 

“It’s, uh, it’s Rey,” he said quietly, “I’m in a relationship with Rey,”

 

Her focus snapped back to him, her eyes incredulously searching his face.

 

“Rey...Jackson?” She questioned, “Friends with Rose? Works at the same magazine?” 

 

Ben nodded slowly.

 

“So, you mean to tell me while we were seeing each other, you were developing feelings for Rey? Is that what you’re telling me?!” 

 

“I’m sor-“

 

“It’s fine!” she snapped, tears flowing down her cheeks, standing abruptly to storm away from him, “I should have known, the way you two looked at each other…all the times you spoke about her like ‘Rey said this’ and ‘Rey did that’. No wonder she didn’t tell me who sent those fucking flowers!”

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he called, his cliched line causing her to turn back, scowling at him.

 

“Well, you did!” She cried, her hands flailing dramatically, “Forget this, I hope that you and  _ Rey _ are very happy together and that she doesn’t drop you the second she’s bored! If she does, don’t come crawling back to me!”

 

He bit back the reply on the tip of his tongue. Every part of him was ready to defend his girlfriend, but the sensible section of his brain reminded him that Rey and Jessika still had to somehow coexist. Swallowing back his annoyance, he said nothing. Her lower lip wobbled as she turned, leaving him alone by the lakeside. 

 

00000

 

“The  _ best sex  _ of your life?” Rose gasped, “Seriously?!”

 

“I mean it, it was...I can barely get my head around it,” Rey gushed, “It was like an out of body experience. I legitimately saw stars,”

 

“Wow. Who’d have thought awkward Ben was packing that kind of punch,” Rose wondered, “I’m curious. Indulge me. Is he...y’know? On a scale of cucumber to WMD,” She added, gesturing size with her hands.

 

“Like a pepper grinder,” Rey grinned.

 

“The one you have at home or the kind the waiter brings to the table?”

 

“I mean, I don’t understand how he walks around with an extra leg. He’s a medical marvel!”

 

The girls dissolved into fits of laughter, shoppers around them offering strange looks and raised eyebrows at the joke they clearly weren’t in on.

 

“What are we actually looking for here? Is it full black tie?” Rose asked, recovering from

her chuckles as they meandered through Macy's department store at a leisurely pace. 

 

“It is full black tie,” Rey confirmed, “I don’t really know what I want to wear. Something...elegant I guess? Simple,”

 

“Oh, that two-piece you wore on your birthday was gorgeous!” 

 

“Maybe the less said about that particular birthday the better,” Rey smiled ruefully. Rose reluctantly nodded.

 

“But things worked out in the end,” she concluded, “What’s Ben wearing to this thing?”

 

“Ben?”

 

“I assumed you were taking your boyfriend as your date?” Rose asked, stopping to sift through racks of gowns, “Sorry, was that too logical?”

 

“No, it’s not that. I haven’t asked him yet,”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because Jessika is also going to be there and I didn’t want to make Ben feel uncomfortable, or Jess for that matter!” She explained, joining Rose in her search, “That level of awkward doesn’t make for a good night out,”

 

“Urgh. Jessika is always so damn dramatic!” Rose groaned, inspecting a navy blue dress, “Honestly, remember every time she’d join us on a night out? She’d find a dude and the wedding would be planned by the next day and she’d be devastated when it didn’t work out because,  _ shocker _ , she met a player in a nightclub! The girl is so desperate to not be single…”

 

“Yeah I know, but I think she really fell for Ben,” Rey sighed, “It’s not like I can blame her! What about this one?” Rey pulled out a floor-length red gown with lace embellishment that Rose wrinkled her nose at.

 

“Not your color,” she answered, “It doesn’t matter. They were only dating for, like, six weeks or so and they hadn’t even slept together. She kept telling you things were going great but were they really? Or was it just her rose-tinted view of things,”

 

“Anyway, he’s meeting her today to tell her about us. Get everything out in the open and set the record straight,” Rey said. Rose whistled under her breath, her face betraying exactly how risky she thought the move was.

 

“Girl, you still need to work with her,” Rose warned.

 

“She’s on a different floor, she doesn’t need to come to my floor unless she’s got a meeting. If she doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t have to,”

 

“At work maybe! But we still all have friends in common and her  _ best _ friend works a few desks away from you. Kaydel?” Rose stated, but Rey shook her head.

 

“Kaydel is way more level headed! She’s not going to hold it against me if she doesn’t know all the facts,” she dismissed but Rose didn’t look so sure.

 

“I’m just saying if it were you and me...I don’t think I’d be quite so understanding,” she grumbled.

 

“Oh, I am fully aware of that, you little pit bull! You’ve only just now started being alright with Ben and that’s cause I asked you,”

 

“He treats you like a queen, I’ll give him that,” she smiled, “But seriously, fuck Jessika! Do you want Ben with you?”

 

“...yes,”

 

“Then be proud of how much you’ve grown as a person. You should be able to take Ben as your date. She’s going to have to come to terms with it sooner or later,” Rose said passionately, waving around a black high waisted skirt in her hand.

 

“I guess,” Rey admitted, “And I really want to see how he looks in black tie,”

 

“Will he be needing a separate bow tie for his monster dick or…”

 

“Rose!” Rey laughed loudly, still sorting through the rows of dresses, her friend sticking out her tongue gleefully. 

 

Rose had a point. Why should she hide her relationship for the sake of someone else? They had done nothing wrong, there was nothing to hide. It wasn’t her fault that Jessika still harbored feelings that she wouldn’t let go of. Perhaps Ben talking to her directly would be a wake-up call that she needed.

 

Perhaps  _ seeing _ them would be the nine-inch nails in the coffin.

 

Her purse rumbled as her phone buzzed.

 

_ <Ben> It’s done. Fair warning sweetheart, I’m not sure she took the news well. x _

 

_ <Rey> Shit. Should I expect a horse head in my bed? x _

 

_ <Ben> It’s a good thing I don’t own a bunny let's put it that way… x _

 

“Fuck…”

 

“What?” Rose asked, having abandoned her search for a dress and moved on to looking at shoes.

 

Rey shoved her phone back in her bag.

 

“Ben spoke to Jess. He said she didn’t take it very well,” Rey groaned. 

 

“Really? No! A girl infatuated with a guy being told the guy has a girlfriend and it’s someone she works with? I am shocked, I tell you. Shocked!” She gasped sarcastically, her hand clutching invisible pearls for added dramatics. 

 

“You are not helping,” Rey deadpanned.

 

“What did you think would happen?” Rose asked, “This was never going to go well! At least now she knows and has an advanced warning before she sees you. How she deals with it is her own issue,”

 

“I hate that you’re right,” Rey sighed, “Besides, this is not helping me find a dress!”

 

Rose grabbed her hand, pulling her towards another section of the store.

 

“I have a golden rule for you,”

 

“Some of those don’t really apply anymore…”

 

“Let’s make some new ones then!”

 

_ Golden rule NEW ENTRY: Alexander McQueen never lets you down… _

 

00000

 

She lay back against her sofa armrest, legs swung up off the floor where stacks of letters sat in organized piles. Some read, some set aside for further contact and some unopened as of yet. 

 

It was a slow process and one she wasn’t taking lightly. Emails had been easier to sift through and bookmark, although the constant reading was a strain on the eyes and her mental energy. There was something more intimate about holding the paper, that these women had sat down to write their stories. Some included trinkets or pictures. 

 

Next to the sofa was a box of tissues. She’d shed so many tears already over what she read and it showed no sign of becoming any easier.

 

_ He was my boyfriend's roommate...my boyfriend broke up with me once I told him. _

 

_ I was 16 playing truth or dare...I didn’t know what to do. _

 

_ I was walking home from work…I screamed for help and nobody came, nobody wanted to get involved… _

 

_ He said I’d been asking for it... _

 

_ I was on a bus… _

 

_ In a nightclub… _

 

_ Jogging in the park… _

 

It all made for grim reading but what upset her the most was the description of the aftermath. All these people, men and women alike who contacted her, had in common was that they had no support in recovery. They described friends and family who didn’t understand, who blamed and shamed. Some couldn’t afford therapy, they had no place to turn.

 

It broke her heart. It made her angry at not just the system, but herself for living a life that had been so privileged in comparison. She’d been living in her own safe bubble with her ‘Golden rules’, and she’d been happy for a time.

 

More had to be done.

 

Ben was sitting at the other side of the sofa, focused on his own work with his laptop balanced on his knee and a few legal documents scattered around him. Every so often he would reach for her, stroking her leg as a silent sign that he was still there. It was comforting, domestic as hell and as she read through more stories, she never felt for grateful for him.

 

Her hands began to shake.

 

The paper between her fingers quivered, crumpling as her grip tightened against the tingling sensation spreading. The air was thick and hot, clawing at the back of her throat as her mind began to race, following the staccato rhythm of her heart. The room fell away, she couldn’t breathe and as quickly as it began, there was nothing around her except darkness.

 

“Rey, sweetheart, can you hear me? Breathe for me,” she felt her legs being swung until she was sitting straight with her feet firmly on the floor, and he was there, kneeling in front of her with those concerned, loving eyes.

 

“Close your eyes, take a couple of deep breathes,” he instructed, Rey following his breathing, “Open your eyes, tell me five things you can see,”

 

“Uh...coffee table, TV, laptop, coffee cup, you,” she answered shakily. He nodded his approval, continuing his instructions.

 

“Good. Four things you can feel?”

 

“The...the leather sofa, the tee shirt I’m wearing, the hair on my neck, your hand,”

 

“Three you can hear?”

 

“Traffic outside, TV, your voice,” she answered, her breathing slowly beginning to regulate but her body was still trembling, her heart trying to normalize.

 

“Two things you can smell?”

 

“Coffee and your cologne,”

 

He reached behind him, grabbing the mug of lukewarm coffee on the table, pushing it into her hands for her to drink.

 

“One thing you can taste?”

 

“Coffee,” she breathed, “Cheap, nasty coffee,”

 

He took the mug back, placing it on the table out of her way before turning back to her, holding her hands and brushing some hair from her flushed face.

 

“There she is. Just keep breathing,” he smiled, “Has this been happening often?”

 

She nodded, wiping the distressed tears from her face.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn’t want you to worry. It’s not a big deal!” She insisted, her voice still uneven. Ben sighed, joining her on the sofa and pulling her into his chest.

 

“It’s a big deal to me,” he said, “We’re a team, that’s the whole point right?”

 

“Right,” she choked a laugh, “I...I’m still getting used to it...having someone around like that. Relying on someone,”

 

“Me too,” he said honestly, pressing a kiss to her hair, “But I like it,”

 

”I do too. It nice...being taken care of,” she admitted, burying closer to his chest. 

 

They sat in silence, allowing her the time to come back to earth, her body finally feeling like her own again.

 

“I think I’ve done enough reading for one night,” she said quietly.

 

“Good idea. I’ll close up shop too,” he agreed, “Movie? Crappy reality TV? Anything you want,”

 

“Sounds good,” she said, Ben standing to tidy away his papers, “Hey, Ben, I was wondering, do you want to go to this dinner thing with me? It’ll be long and probably boring but...I’d really love you to be there,”

 

“You know I want to but what about Jessika?” He asked, “Aren’t you worried about how she’ll react?”

 

Rey shook her head. She felt for the girl, but this was her relationship, her life and she wasn’t going to hide it.

 

“Fuck Jessika,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the grounding exercise that Ben helps talk Rey through at the end of the chapter is a genuine technique that I've been spoken through before and I still use on a regular basis.


	20. How to Make a No-Win Situation Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm flying to Japan in 6 days to stay out there for 6 weeks and I'm not prepared at all...
> 
> HAVE A CHAPTER!

Rey walked onto her office floor quietly, greeting the few people who bid her a good morning at such an early hour. She smiled at the flowers on her desk, less fresh given the days that had past but the colors were still vibrant. 

 

She hung her jacket over the back of her chair, glancing towards Kaydel’s desk. Since she’d arrived at work on Monday, there had been a strange kind of tension in the air between them. Unspoken passive aggression that had Rey walking on eggshells and she hated it. Kaydel wasn’t what she described as a close friend, she and Jessika joined up with Rose and her as a foursome for nights out but it was rare that they hung out together, just the two of them.

 

But she was Jessika’s best friend. Rey admired that kind of loyalty at least, knowing full well she would do the same for Rose.

 

That’s why she was so surprised when she looked up from her starting computer to find Kaydel standing there with two cups of coffee in her hand.

 

“Black? No Sugar?”

 

“Um, yeah...thank you,” Rey answered, warily accepting the Starbucks cup. 

 

Kaydel stood awkwardly, her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she gripped her own cup.

 

“Listen, there’s an elephant in the room and I think we need to talk about some things,” she said, looking around the practically empty office, the morning still early, “I want to start by saying...I don’t have a problem with you...at all, and I’m really sorry if I gave you that impression. I’ve just not been sure how to approach this. Jessika is my best friend,”

 

Rey exhaled a sigh of relief, her body visibly relaxing into her chair.

 

“Thank you. I had wondered, to be honest,” Rey said sadly, “You have to believe me, I didn’t mean for her to get hurt!”

 

“I know you didn’t,” Kaydel admitted, “She is really upset. I thought it was just her usual but I think she really fell hard for Ben. I told her to chill, but she seemed to be under the impression that all he needed was space and time,”

 

“I’m sorry,” Rey muttered, unsure what else she could really say.

 

“Just, tell me this, did anything start with you and Ben while he was seeing Jess?” Kaydel asked.

 

Rey frowned, the woman’s question rubbing her the wrong way. She didn’t owe Kaydel any kind of explanation, it had nothing to do with her but if it smoothed at least one part of her working life, she’d tell her.

 

“You want the truth? I’ve probably had feelings for Ben since I met him. It was complicated. He didn’t know how I felt and I didn’t know he felt the same way. I was going to talk to him at my birthday when he met Jessika and from that moment, I did  _ everything _ I could to let him be happy!” she exclaimed, “I mean it, I thought he was happy getting to know Jessika and I was leaving them alone. I told him nothing! He broke it off with Jessika on his own and we kept things quiet because we didn’t want to hurt her but...Kay, we haven’t done anything wrong!”

 

Kaydel regarded her curiously until she finally sighed, nodding her head.

 

“You didn’t,” she agreed, “It’s just one of those no-win situations I guess. She’ll get over it eventually, everything is still a little raw right now. When Ben asked to meet up at the weekend she was sure they were going to get back together. You know how she is,”

 

“Jesus…”

 

“Yup, so guess who had to put out that trash fire?” She asked rhetorically, pointing to herself, “Are you bringing Ben to the dinner tomorrow?”

 

“I am,” Rey replied firmly, “He’s my boyfriend. We’re together. We’re not going to hide when we’ve not done anything wrong…”

 

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Kaydel said holding up her hand defensively, “I’m not going to tell you not to or anything, I just want to know so I can prepare myself for any potential problems,”

 

“Sorry,” Rey muttered, “I get it. You’re just being a good friend,”

 

Kaydel suddenly smiled, a strange glint in her eyes.

 

“You know, I never thought I’d see it,” she teased, “Rey Jackson with a boyfriend!”

 

“Hmm. Wonders never cease,” Rey sniggered, “Next thing you know we’ll get Poe settled down,”

 

“Oh no,” Kaydel snorted, “Nobody will ever love Poe Dameron as much as Poe Dameron!” she laughed, Rey joining in now the mood was somewhat lighter, “I have to admit, despite everything you’ve been writing about, you do seem happier,”

 

“I am,” Rey answered honestly, “I am happier, and it’s not _ just _ because of Ben but facing those feelings helped me see that I needed to do some work on myself,”

“Well, that’s awesome. I am really happy for you,” Kaydel said sincerely, “I’ll let you get started. I have a thing to be on Amilyn’s desk in a few hours and I am nowhere near finished!”

 

Rey waved her off, turning back to her computer with a smile on her face. The weight on her shoulders was still there, but not nearly as crushing. Then again, she had yet to face Jessika, the woman conspicuous by her absence. 

 

Her coffee cup in one hand, she absently stroked a petal the flowers with the other. What other people thought of her was none of her business.

 

But having Kaydel understand her side of things certainly helped.

 

00000

 

Jessika Pava believed in love.

 

She’d grown up on a diet of Disney movies and romantic comedies. She watched the princess fall in love with the prince to live happily ever after, the handsome leading man sweeps the heroine off her feet to walk off into the sunset.

 

She was a relationship girl, feeling her best when she had a partner that she could share things with and support in turn. Since her first boyfriend at the age of 16, she’d only ever been in three actual relationships. Long term loves that had devastated her when they ended.

 

Now in her late twenties, Jessika didn’t want temporary good times. She wanted forever.

 

And she thought she’d found it in Ben.

 

Tall, dark and handsome. A lawyer who was well spoken and kind. She thought she’d hit the relationship jackpot the night he’d responded to her bold stroke of throwing herself at him. They had fun, she assumed. He responded to her messages, how was she to know any different?

 

_ “Did you read Rey’s latest piece?” _

 

_ “There’s this bar Rey loves…” _

 

_ “Rey and I went to this pancake place…” _

 

But somewhere, deep down, she did.

 

Jessika sat in front of her dressing mirror, staring at her reflection but seeing nothing as she attached the backs of her earrings. It had been a week, almost to the hour, that Ben had told her about his relationship. A week since she’d left Central Park in tears, the sliver of hope she’d been holding onto shredded by his words.

 

“Come on Jess, I know it’s hard but you’ll get over him,” Kaydel had encouraged, offering a shoulder to cry on, “I get that you really liked him, but you can’t force someone to love you…”

 

She carefully lined her lips, applying her lipstick methodically.

 

The idea that he had found love with someone else stung. Knowing he found love with  _ her _ felt like a slap in the face.

 

She’d always liked Rey. They were friends both outside and inside work. If there was ever a person to get the party started, it was Rey Jackson. She could have any man she wanted, and she often did.

 

_ So why did she have to take mine? _

 

What was wrong with her? She did everything  _ right.  _ She was the model of a good girlfriend and she found herself cast aside.

 

Maybe she was still angry. Maybe her ego was bruised, feelings she’d never experienced towards Rey coming to the surface. Whatever the reason, she needed a damn drink.

 

Grabbing her clutch purse, she checked her reflection one last time before leaving to meet the car that would take her to the Four Seasons.

 

00000

 

She had to give it to Rose, the girl knew how to pick a dress.

 

The black gown floated elegantly around Rey’s legs, daintily trailing the floor. A deep-v flattered her neck, a delicate cape hanging off the sleeveless shoulders, her waist nipped in by a band of gold metal. With her makeup done and her hair braided, she felt like a Greek goddess.

 

Even knowing Jessika would be there, their first time seeing her in person as a couple, couldn’t kill her surge in confidence. 

 

_ <Ben> Ready and outside when you are sweetheart x _

 

She grinned, grabbing her bag to leave her apartment and meet the car he’d arranged for the evening.

 

Emerging from the building, Ben was standing there in front of the town car dressed to kill in a black tuxedo, a white rose in his hand and a proud smile on his face.

 

“You look absolutely stunning,” he said softly, handing her the rose and pulling her to him for a delicate kiss.

 

“You...really suit a tux,” she praised, slightly breathless at the sight, “But I do kinda feel like you’re picking me up for prom,” she laughed, her arms looped around his neck as she played with his hair.

 

“I should have brought a corsage instead,” he joked, his eyes soft with adoration. She pecked him on the lips again.

 

“Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll let you get to third base,” she winked, pulling him by the hand to the back of the car, “But we are going to be late if we don’t get a head start on traffic!”

 

Like a giddy teenager in a designer dress, she led him into the town car.

 

00000

 

The hotel was as resplendent as expected.

 

Glittering chandeliers glowed above the elegant Four Seasons ballroom, towering floral centerpieces on each round table. Gentle music played from the live band as employees of the magazine mingled with guests and Press Club officials.

 

Leaving her home to meet up with Kaydel, Jessika had felt fine. It was amazing what a professional blowout and a new dress could do for a woman’s confidence. She was instilled with a fierce sense of pride, deciding that if he didn’t want her then it was his loss.

 

It was a short-lived moment of bliss.

 

She was standing at the bar, her third cocktail in hand when they walked in. Rey looked beautiful in her black gown, arm in arm with Ben in his slim-fitted tuxedo. They only seemed to have eyes for each other and it made her feel sick.

 

“Are you alright?” Kaydel asked her quietly, “We can go outside for a little?”

 

“No it’s fine,” she said shortly, slugging back a large gulp of her drink, “I have as much a right to be here as they do,”

 

“Nobody is saying that you don’t,” Kaydel said gently, sipping her own drink delicately. 

 

It hit her like a wave. It was one thing being told they were together, but seeing them was another matter completely. A sense of irrational betrayal rose in her chest. Somewhere she knew she had no real right but with every mouthful of vodka imbibed, rational thought was taking a back seat.

 

Kaydel bit the inside of her cheek, watching her friend swallow the last of her drink.

 

00000

 

“Oh my goodness, Rey, you look beautiful!” Amilyn gushed, rushing to meet the younger woman as she entered, “And who is this?”

 

“Amilyn, this is my boyfriend Ben,” Rey introduced, “Ben is a lawyer with First Order. Ben, this is Amilyn, my editor,”

 

“Nice to meet you, Rey speaks very highly of you,” he greeted politely, Amilyn smiling like a giggly schoolgirl.

 

“So this is the mysterious boyfriend I’ve been hearing rumors about! You must be very special to tie this one down,” she laughed, Rey, turning an odd shade of pink. Ben only laughed along.

 

“I don’t know about that,” he replied smoothly, “But I do my best,”

 

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, the work Rey has been producing for the magazine has been outstanding, honestly, I don’t know what we’d do without her,”

 

“And now I’m mortified,” Rey muttered, her pink face turning redder by the second. Amilyn placed a comforting arm on her shoulder.

 

“Alright, alright. You two go on and have a great night!” she said, waving them further into the room.

 

Checking the table plan, they found their seats, carefully picking their way through the room towards their table. Without having to look directly, Rey could feel Jessika’s gaze from the bar.

 

“Are you alright?” Ben asked, pulling out her chair for her to sit down. He too had clocked the scrutiny they were under.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Honestly,” She smiled, “Are you? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable…”

 

“I’m fine,” he insisted firmly, lowering his voice as others began to take their seats around them, “It’s not like she’s at our table and we’ve not done anything wrong. This is her problem, not ours,”

“You’re right. I know you’re right,” she agreed reluctantly, allowing one of the servers to serve them a glass of champagne. 

 

“Thank God, someone else I know at this table!” 

 

Ben and Rey looked up to see Gwen sitting a few seats across from them. Rey smiled happily. Ever since her first episode, the pair had come to more of an understanding of each others character. While she still hadn’t forgotten the more poisonous things Gwen had said to her, she had accepted the taller woman’s apology, the pair agreeing to start things again on a better foot.

 

“Apparently the company wanted to mix things up a bit, force people to socialize outside of their own departments,” Gwen grimaced, glancing Ben up and down curiously.

 

“Oh, Gwen, sorry. This is my boyfriend, Ben!” Rey introduced, Ben waving awkwardly.

 

“Ah, so this is the flower guy!” She beamed, “I’m Gwen, I work with Rey on the same floor and  _ you  _ are the man who bagged the most famous single girl in New York!”

 

“I have a feeling I’m going to be hearing a lot about that tonight!” Ben grinned wryly, squeezing Rey’s hand under the table to show he wasn’t upset.

 

“You know what? It’s nice to see. People are genuinely thrilled for you both,” Gwen shrugged, “Head’s up looks like the boss lady is preparing to make a speech. Now, where the hell is the waiter with a fresh glass of fizz when I need it?!”

 

“I’ll drink to that,” Rey giggled, raising her glass.

 

She tried to remain lighthearted, to laugh when Amilyn made a joke during her speech, to lean in closer to Ben when he squeezed her knee, to simply enjoy the fact that she had come so far from where she had been. Tonight should have been a celebration, not just for the magazine and her work achievements, for her relationship as well.

 

But across the room, Jessika continued to stare.

 

00000

 

Dinner had been what culinary dreams were made of.

 

Tuna carpaccio with a jalapeno and soy dressing, filet mignon with wild mushrooms and cognac sauce, sour cherry tart with lemon and poppyseed ice cream.  

 

Jessika had barely eaten any of it.

 

She felt like someone else was taking over her body, like every negative emotion she had was clinging on for dear life and the sensation only grew stronger with every drink she had. Kaydel watched on warily, hoping that some food in her stomach would quell the worst of it but when her plates were removed from the table almost in the same state they arrived, that hope was dashed.

 

“Here babe, why don’t you have some water?” she suggested, filling her glass from the jug on the table, trying to take the wine glass out of her hand. Jessika pushed her away.

 

“I mean, do you think I should talk to him?” She slurred, “Or Rey, maybe I should talk to Rey...I’ve not talked to her…”

 

“I think you should drink some water!” Kaydel insisted, pushing the water at her friend. She lapped at it messily, but at least she drank. 

 

The tables had been cleared to the side to make room for the dance floor, couples happily twirling around, laughing joyously to the music. It was growing late, the party in full swing now people’s food had settled and the wine continued to flow.

 

She’d watched them dance together, how he held her in his arms so easily. She’d kissed him, whispered something in his ear that made him blush, his grip on her waist tightened. It could have been her. It should have been her.

 

With a derivative snort, she watched them leave the dance floor.

 

“I just...who the hell does she think she is? Ben was  _ mine _ !” Jessika whined bitterly, her lip wobbling. Her skin was flushed from the alcohol, her eyes glassy and red, “She gets everything…stupid little-”

 

“Jess, you don’t mean that!” Kaydel snapped, “You’re...wasted. This isn’t you,”

 

“Oh, it’s not me?!” She cried, standing on unsteady legs, “Maybe this is me! Maybe I’m just really sick of being  _ nice _ all the time because apparently, that gets you nowhere!”

 

Kaydel stood, grabbing her friend by the shoulders. 

 

“Alright, we’re going to go to the restroom, get you cleaned up then we’re going to go!” she said firmly, “This is still a  _ work _ party, Jess. You can’t be seen like this,”

 

Jessika was as cooperative as a sandbag, her body heavy and uncoordinated as she was marched out of the ballroom towards the lobby and the ladies room. Mascara was smudged under her eyes, her lipstick bleeding at the edges and worn away from her night of heavy drinking. Kaydel sighed. She’d known that Rey and Ben were going to be there, she even agreed that they shouldn’t have to hide. She had only hoped that by now Jessika would have pulled herself together a bit more, instead, she had shown just how out of touch she was.

 

But there would be plenty of time for tough love when she was sober.

 

Kaydel pushed her into the ladies room.

 

“Come on, we’ll wash your face and-”

 

“ _ You _ !” Jessika hissed roughly, stopping dead in her tracks.

 

Rey stood at the mirror in open-mouthed shock, a lipstick in her hand where she’d been touching up her makeup. She blinked at the girls by the door, her eyes darting between Kaydel and Jessika.

 

Other women in the bathroom paused awkwardly, either finishing their tasks as quickly as they could to leave or giving in to curiosity. 

 

“Jess, let’s go…”

 

“No!” She spat, wrenching her arm from Kaydel’s grip, “You know what, no! I have a right to be here…”

 

“I know you’re upset,” Rey said patiently, putting her lipstick back in her bag, “But I don’t want to fight with you, not here!”

 

“Why him huh?!” Jessika shouted, her voice wobbling and hoarse, “Why did it have to be him? You could have anyone you wanted!”

 

“It just...Jess, I’m sorry you’re upset but we didn’t do this to hurt you,” Rey tried to explain, her heart beating wildly as the drunk woman closed in on her, struggling against Kaydel’s insistent pulling, “I fell in love…”

 

“And I didn’t!?” she cried, mascara streaking down her face, “You  _ know _ how I feel about him, I told you and you still went behind my back!”

 

“No we didn’t!” Rey shouted, her temper taking hold in defense of her situation, “When I found you with Ben, I tried to leave things alone. I stayed away and you know what? It  _ killed _ me to have to listen to you talk about how great things were but I did the right thing and I stayed away. It’s not my fault he didn’t feel the same way about you!”

 

“Jessika, let’s go!” Kaydel shouted, grabbing her irate friend by the shoulders. 

 

Jessika spun around, shoving Kaydel roughly away from her, the blonde woman stumbling backward over her heels, staring up incredulously from the ground. The few women who remained gasped, some scrambling to Kaydel’s side.

 

“You could have had anybody you wanted! What? Did you fuck most of the single guys in New York?” she questioned viciously, “Were you that unhappy with yourself that you had to drag everyone else with you?”

 

“Shut the fuck up, you don’t know anything!” Rey screamed, her chest tightening. Her heart raced in her chest, beating painfully against her ribs.

 

“I know that you’re nothing but a whore giving women everywhere a bad name!” Jessika slurred nastily, getting herself into Rey’s face, the other girl backing up closer to the tiled wall, “Sooner or later, he’s going to realize that he made a mistake and that you’re just damaged goods…”

 

Rey’s eyes began to water, pressure crushing the back of her skull, her windpipe tight. The words Jessika screamed at her, slurred as they were, began to muffle still as her head swam, her vision blurring around the edges. Pins and needles took over her limbs as she fell against the wall.

 

_ Not now...please not now... _

 

“Go away...just, go away,” she tried to breathe but nothing would come out, her words lost to the thick, humid air.

 

“You know what, no wonder that guy attacked you!” Jessika continued to rant with difficulty, Kaydel back to her feet and grabbing the drunk woman around the neck, “The way you lived, you were practically begging for it…”

 

“That’s enough!” Kaydel screamed, wrestling her friend back as Rey slid down the wall, women hovering awkwardly or running out the door as it burst open.

 

“What the bloody hell is going on in here?! You can hear the screaming from outside!” Gwen demanded, taking in the scene in front of her. 

 

Kaydel and others were pulling Jessika away, the wasted woman shouting random obscenities and insults in front of the restroom while Rey was on the floor, a shade pale enough to rival the white of the tiles, panting for breath.

 

“Get out of my fucking way you drunk idiot!” Gwen barked, shoving past Jessika without care, “She’s having a bloody panic attack. Kaydel, get her out of here!”

 

Still yelling like a banshee, Jessika was dragged from the restroom, only quieting down when she was out in the lobby being taken outside by her incensed friend.

 

Gwen bent down in front of Rey, holding her line of sight.

 

“Breathe for me, Rey,” she instructed, her tone a stark contrast to only seconds before, “You know the way, in for five and out for five,”

 

She followed Gwen’s instructions, focusing on her breathing with her eyes firmly closed until her body began to relax only a fraction. Gwen turned to one of the women behind her.

 

“Can someone get a glass of water?” She asked, “And see if her boyfriend is out there? Ben, tall guy, long dark hair…” A woman nodded, heading out of the door, returning momentarily with water.

 

“He’s outside,” she said. Gwen accepted the glass from her, nodding her acknowledgment.

 

“Here you go,” she said gently, handing the water to Rey’s trembling hands, “Take a drink. Do you feel up to moving?”

 

“Yeah,” Rey practically whispered, sipping the water, “I need to get out of here,”

 

Carefully, Gwen helped her to her feet, grabbing a paper towel to run it under some water and wipe away the worst of her smudged makeup. Rey smiled weakly, her chest and head still pounding. She would have time to be upset about the ruined evening later. For now, she needed to feel safe.

 

When they emerged from the restroom, Ben was pacing the lobby. Seeing them, he rushed to Rey’s side.

 

“Sweetheart, talk to me, are you okay?” he asked anxiously, Rey falling into his chest in tears as he looked to Gwen for answers.

 

“There was a bit of an altercation with a  _ certain someone _ ,” she said shortly, “She’s coming out of a panic attack so I think it’s best you probably head home. I’ll see you both out,”

 

Ben nodded, carefully taking off his jacket to wrap around her quivering shoulders, holding her tightly as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. He grit his teeth, jaw clenched so tightly he was sure a molar would crack. White hot rage flashed through his veins, his fists clenching as he tried to suppress it. 

 

“Let’s get you home,” he murmured, keeping her tucked against him as he led her outside into the cool air, Gwen on their heels.

 

The line of town cars moved slowly, doormen politely escorting people towards their vehicles. As they waited, Rey focusing on her breathing and the scent of the man next to her. At the other end of the line, an unwelcome ruckus sounded. Ben looked up in the direction of the noise, his expression darkening.

 

“Oh for fuck sake,” Gwen muttered. 

 

Jessika was staggering towards them, Kaydel a few paces behind her with a look that screamed how done she was with the whole affair.

 

“Just leave it, Jess…”

 

“Ben, can I talk to you?” she asked pitifully, her voice cracked from her previous display, her fire extinguished. 

 

Ben looked to Gwen, passing Rey into her care as he grabbed Jessika’s arm, hauling her away from his girlfriend with a grip that was just on the side of too tight.

 

“You want to talk? Let’s talk!” he snapped, “How dare you verbally attack my girlfriend! I kept my mouth shut in the park when you made that comment and I don’t give a fuck if you’re drunk or not, you have lost  _ any _ sympathy I might have had for you. I’m sorry that you’re upset, that you can’t accept that I wanted someone else...but this display? I’ve got no fucking words…”

 

“I’m sor-” she tried to say, tears streaming down her face along with her ruined makeup. Ben shook his head in disgust.

 

“I don’t care,” he sneered, “Go home, Jessika. Sober up,”

 

In her stupor she watched him walk away from her. He took Rey back into his arms, cupping her face to delicately wipe away the tears on her cheeks, kissing her lightly, resting his forehead on hers. His jacket drowned her, swallowing her small frame like a child. He was looking at her like there was nobody else in the world.

 

Jessika swallowed the bile rising in her throat, feeling Kaydel drag her towards a car as the bitter truth sunk into her alcohol laced mind.

 

He was never hers to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jessika's behavior and this particular scenario are based on a very real situation that happened to me in my twenties, proving that alcohol and hurt feelings are a terrible combination. Vodka doesn't want you to think clearly, it has no time for common sense or hindsight.


	21. Whisper in My Ear. Shout it to the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming into the home stretch now on that HEA! As always, thank you for all your wonderful comments. I don't think I'll be able to update again until I touch down in Tokyo, but hey, those long haul flights mean I can get some writing done!

She’d been quiet the whole car ride back to her apartment. Quiet but not distant, her head leaning on his shoulder as she stared at the passing traffic through the window

 

It didn’t surprise him. She was often quiet after an episode and he wanted to give her the space she needed to get her head back together. But given the circumstances, he was worried.

 

He didn’t know what was said. He’d been only vaguely aware of something happening when he’d seen Jessika dragged from the restroom by Kaydel, seconds later some random woman was asking for him and Rey emerged looking pale and shell shocked.

 

He tried his best to deal with his own feelings as they were driven home. The anger was still there, but it simmered with a host of others. Worry about if this would impact his relationship certainly, but he felt a surge of pity for the other woman. He wondered if he’d done things differently at the beginning, perhaps not tried to make things work with her, that she wouldn’t have latched on so strongly. Maybe she never would have developed those feelings she claimed.

 

_ Coulda shoulda woulda… _

 

They entered her apartment quietly, Rey picking the pins from her braids, allowing her hair to relax into tumbles of wild kinks and curls. Still, she said nothing.

 

The silence wasn’t awkward but rather, thoughtful. Like a calm morning after a night of torrential rains. He removed his tie, throwing it to the bed where Rey had sat, contemplative as she examined her hands. He’d barely released his top buttons when she broke the quiet.

 

“Did I steal you?”

 

He turned to look at her, his hands dropping from his shirt. Fresh anger for the situation tried to rise but he swallowed it back, instead focusing on his concern for her. Kneeling in front of her, he took both her hands.

 

“No,” he replied gently, “You didn’t  _ steal _ me. Know why? Because I’m a grown ass man who makes his own decisions. Whatever Jessika said to you, it’s not true alright? I love you. Everything about you. You can’t stop that kind of feeling, you can’t steal it,”

 

“I just...I never wanted to hurt anyone,” Rey sighed, “She seemed so devastated,”

 

“Yeah, well, she was also seventy-five percent vodka by the time we were leaving,” he said dryly, “I imagine that helped,”

 

“I’ll wait until she’s had a few days. Maybe talk to her then,” Rey said, Ben’s eyebrows shooting to his hairline.

 

“Are you kidding? After the way she acted?!” He exclaimed but Rey shook her head.

 

“You just said it yourself, she was wasted…” she reasoned.

 

“What else did she say to you?” He asked, a distinct edge to his tone. In spite of that, Rey smiled sadly.

 

“Nothing worse than anything you’ve said to me in the past,”

 

His mouth opened to reply, snapping shut when he realized what she was referring to. His mouth worked in thought, casting a remorseful gaze towards the floor.

 

“I thought we moved past that…”

 

“We have,” Rey insisted gently, holding his chin to force him to look at her, “That’s my whole point. We can’t hold on to words people say to us in fear or anger. I won’t forget but, If I can forgive you...I can forgive Jessika,”

 

Ben regarded her thoughtfully, a frown still etched on his face. He remembered Rose telling him that this was the kind of person Rey was. It made him proud but frustrated him at the same time. It was still too fresh for him.

 

“You’re a better person than me,” he mumbled, “She ruined our night,” Rey leaned down to kiss him softly.

 

“There will be other nights,” she replied, absently stroking his cheek.

 

“It’s late,” Ben sighed, pushing himself to a stand, “Want to just go to bed?” He asked.

 

Rey stood, rolling her shoulders and stretching her neck.

 

“I think I’m going to take a shower first…” 

 

“Alright, sweetheart,” he said, offering a half smile as she walked past him, unzipping her dress, the black fabric slipping off her body to the floor. 

 

“You’re joining me,”

 

“Whoa, wait, what?” He stuttered, blinking at her rapidly, “Rey…”

 

She turned back, standing on her toes to wrap her arms around him, pressing her underwear-clad body against him.

 

“Ben, I feel fine so you don’t need to look at me like that,” she insisted softly, “I want a shower, I want you and I want to salvage what we have left of the evening. So get your clothes off and I’ll get the water started,”

 

It took him a moment to register what she had said. By the time he did, she was already in the bathroom, the sound of water running and steam slowly beginning to rise. 

 

Inelegantly, he kicked off his shoes, tugging at his shirt buttons until they released, creating a trail of clothes from the bedroom to the bathroom. When he made it, she was already standing under the stream of hot water, soaking the waves out of her hair. Carefully he stepped in behind her, thankful that the shower was large enough to accommodate his frame. 

 

He was still worried. Panic attacks were becoming more frequent, and he hated the idea that tonight would cause a further set back to the progress she’d been making. If she told him she was fine, he’d believe her and at least if she was using sex as a distraction, it was with him and not her old habits.

 

She sighed in contentment, falling back against his damp chest, feeling his arms circle her waist.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” He asked, needing the confirmation for his own sanity. 

 

She turned, pressing her hands against the front of his chest, his wet skin under her fingers.

 

“Would it make you feel better if I made an appointment with Doctor Ahsoka for first thing next week?” She asked simply.

 

She hadn’t stopped going to therapy. It had turned into something that she almost enjoyed, having the chance to unload without judgment. Her appointments had been relaxed thanks to her progress, moving from bi-weekly to weekly then fortnightly.

 

“...yes,”

 

“Then I will,” she replied without hesitation, “but for now, will you just kiss me so we can forget about this whole ugly thing?” 

 

His hand cradled the back of her head as he pushed her against the tiled wall, the sudden cold against her spine causing her to gasp against his lips, a moan escaping feeling his warm body weight on her like a comfort blanket.

 

The haze of her mind cleared as her lips parted, her insistent tongue caressing his. His hand skimmed her skin, her body twitching as his palm brushed her nipple. He was already growing hard, she could feel it, the urgency rising between them like the temperature of a pressure cooker.

 

She couldn’t get enough of him, be close enough to him. Despite the late hour and the exhausting day, she didn’t want to sleep. She needed his weight holding her, the ache of him stretching her and the inevitable endorphins that came with the release  _ he _ gave her.

 

He groaned loudly when her hand found him, wrapping around his shaft and pumping lazily until he was dizzy. Their kiss grew careless in their urgency, teeth almost clashing before he tore himself away. She turned to face the wall. His hand reached down, parting her thighs as she rested her forehead against the tiles.

 

Like the first hit of a drug, she felt the rush through her blood when his fingers began to circle her, teasing her clit as he pressed his lips to her back, dragging along her spine. His cock was solid for her, grinding between her slit only adding to the friction his hand was creating, pushing her senses into overdrive.

 

“Fuck,” she cursed blissfully, her back arching as she felt his fingers sink in, the feel of the stretch giving her almost was she wanted.

 

Her head tipped back to his shoulder as he tested her, a shudder running through her body when his teeth lightly scraped at her shoulder.

 

“Please…” she begged breathlessly, her voice almost drowned out by the sound of the running water.

 

Her head tipping forward, she could see the swollen head of him pushing through her folds, the view enough to make her knees tremble.

 

“What do you need?” He purred against her ear.

 

She almost growled with frustration. His rising confidence in their sex life made each time better than the last, but with that confidence came the ability to tease. It was a love/hate situation.

 

“You. I need you,” she rasped, “Please... _ escalate _ or-”

 

Her breath hitched, catching in her throat when she felt his hand move. All she could do was whine at the emptiness until she felt his cock drag back, lining with her entrance and suddenly she felt the sweet relief of him seated to the hilt, her forearms bracing against the wall of the shower.

 

God, he was a good learner. The drag back was torturously slow followed by a rough thrust forward, their hips colliding with a damp smack, the hot water splashing across the screen of the shower. Her cheek pressed against the tile as she moaned, his fingers digging into her hips.

 

“Faster, baby,” she moaned, his cock hitting her deep with every pass, pushing a cry from her lips each time.

 

His hand snaked around her hips, circling her clit as she’d showed him while he panted behind her, grunting with exertion. 

 

“Your cunt feels so good, sweetheart. You gonna cum for me?” he growled, “I love feeling you cum on my cock,”

 

The filth of his words added to the debauched fray, her eyes almost rolling back as her legs began to tremble. Her walls pulsed, gripping him tightly as she wailed, his grip around her waist the only thing keeping her stable while he continued to work her raw through her orgasm, his own following. They fell together against the wall, his forearms bracing his weight as they gasped for air.

 

Pulling from her, she could feel his spend trickle down her inner thigh, being washed away by the cooling water. She laughed lazily, leaning back into his body.

 

“I love you,” she sighed happily, “That dirty talk...Jesus, it gets better every time,”

 

“What can I say? You inspire me,” he chuckled bashfully, his ears burning now the moment of passion had passed. 

 

She turned to kiss him, her body harmonious and her face relaxed. He smiled, leaning into her touch as her fingers sunk into his soaked hair. 

 

“How about we get out of here before this water turns cold and I’ll see if I can  _ inspire _ you some more?” she said playfully. 

 

She turned off the water, the pair stepping out of the shower for Ben to wrap her in a towel before wrapping one around his own waist. He leaned forward to kiss her, his tongue teasing her lip before she could find any purchase in the action, Rey pouting as he pulled away.

 

“If that’s the plan, I’m going to go grab a Gatorade. I want you waiting in that bed for me!” he winked, leaving Rey delightfully stunned as he walked past her, still only wearing a towel.

 

She bit her lip, wondering to herself if this is what she’d been missing out on all along by pushing people away, but she shook her head. 

 

Other people weren’t Ben.

 

_ Golden rule number 15-B: What’s for you won’t go by you _

 

00000

 

“So, this is outside our normal appointment schedule. Tell me what’s been happening with you, Rey?”

 

Doctor Ahsoka’s office was the same as it always was. Comfortably warm with the smell of incense in the air, Rey didn’t sit the way she usually did on the soft couch. Instead of her legs folded under her, a cup of tea in her hand, her feet were firmly planted on the floor with her hands in her lap. She looked around the office, trying to construct what she wanted to say.

 

“Some stuff has been happening and...the attacks are back,” she admitted uncomfortably. The doctor nodded thoughtfully.

 

“How often are they occurring?”

 

“I mean, at first I didn’t really notice them coming back. It was occasional, you know? But...almost every day,” Rey muttered.

 

“You said some  _ stuff _ has been happening,” Dr. Ahsoka repeated, “Is there anything in particular that you noticed has been causing you stress?”

 

Rey nodded awkwardly.

 

“There’s been a situation with Ben’s...I guess you could call her his ex,” Rey explained, “Jessika, they were kind of seeing each other before Ben and I got together. They had only been on a few dates, it wasn’t serious. He broke it off...and she didn’t take it very well,”

 

“Ah yes, I remember you telling me that you work with her?” 

 

Rey nodded.

 

“That’s the one,” she confirmed, “I just didn’t want her to find out from someone else, but apparently she was under the impression that Ben just needed some space and that they’d get back together. She was really,  _ really _ into him,”

 

“So, what was the situation?” 

 

“I brought Ben as my date to this gala thing for my work. She was there, she was very drunk and she came at me in the ladies room,” Rey summarised, “and while it was happening, I had a panic attack. It was all very dramatic,” she tutted. 

 

“I see,” Dr. Ahsoka replied, “and Ben, how did he react?”

 

“He was...mad,” Rey sighed, “Not at me! He wasn’t mad at me, but with Jessika. Took her aside when she tried to talk to him, gave her a piece of his mind. I was worried for a while, that what she said was true…”

 

“And what was that?”

 

“That I stole him from her,” she stated, “I know it sounds stupid but I thought, what if she’s right? What if Ben could have been happier with her and I came along and ruined it,”

 

“From what you’ve told me about Ben, he seems like a rather strong-minded person who can make his own decisions. Don’t you think that if he wanted to be with someone else, he would be?” Dr. Ahsoka asked. 

 

Rey smiled wryly.

 

“That’s pretty much what he said,” she chuckled, pushing her hair out of her face, “He’s been great. Things are...great,” she finished cautiously.

 

Dr. Ahsoka watched her carefully, noticing her defensive body language, the way she fidgeted with her fingers.

 

“But this worries you?”

 

“No, it’s not that,” Rey denied, “I just feel, I don’t know...guilty!” she blurted out.

 

“Guilty?”

 

Rey sat quietly, her mind working through how she actually had been feeling for weeks. Like a lightbulb flashing, her situation was illuminated.

 

“Yeah, that’s it...I think I feel guilty,” she realized, “But not about Jessika...maybe a little about Jessika, but...about being happy,”

 

“Ah, so you feel guilty because things are going well?” Dr. Ahsoka clarified, “Something you don’t feel you deserve?”

 

Rey awkwardly chewed on her thumbnail, falling back against the back of the sofa, her eyes gazing ahead at nothing.

 

“I...I know I do,” she muttered, “I wrote that article for the magazine, about my attack and I received so many emails and letters from other women telling me their stories and...I think it’s around then I started to feel really anxious,”

 

“Do you believe that’s potentially what triggered your panic attacks to return?” 

 

Rey nodded thoughtfully.

 

“Maybe,” she concurred, “It’s just...I read these stories and all of them are so heartbreaking. Some of these women...and men too for that matter, they don’t have any support. They have nowhere to turn, nobody to talk to. I have amazing friends, I have Ben. Fuck, I can  _ afford _ therapy!” she rambled, her words tumbling from her mouth faster and faster until she had to catch her breath.

 

“It sounds like the guilt you feel is over your own situation?” The doctor suggested, “That you find yourself with advantages that others don’t?”

 

“Yes,” Rey realized, “That...that’s it. Why should I have all this support when other people don’t? I knew this kind of thing happened but it’s like I buried my head in the sand to it and it makes me feel sick that I had this attitude! But, I feel like I’m failing...I’m back to having these stupid episodes…”

 

“You are not failing, Rey,” Dr. Ahsoka said gently, “Mental health is not a straight road and you don’t pass a milestone without occasionally having to go back, and that is perfectly fine too. The important thing is that you recognized that you might need the extra support and you’re here. That in itself is a milestone you should be proud of,”

 

“I guess,” she mumbled, “I just...I feel like I could be doing more to help. I have a platform, I should use it right?”

 

“Maybe you should,” Dr. Ahsoka said, “Being forced to look outside our own bubble, seeing things through others eyes is never easy...but you’re doing it. I want you to continue to use the techniques we talked about if they are working for you. Perhaps finding a way to assist the people writing will help you use the energy in a more productive manner? However, if you are being triggered by reading these letters, as soon as you feel anxious, I want you to stop,”

 

Rey agreed, thanking the doctor for her time and confirming that she would still keep her regular appointment. 

 

Her meeting had given her food for thought, her brain running a mile a minute in comparison to her slow meandering down the Manhattan sidewalk. Her guilt was strange, she decided. It wasn’t guilt towards Jessika, she was secure in the fact she had nothing to be guilty for. Everything else she’d spoken about though suddenly felt clearer. The beauty of therapy.

 

She was in a position more fortunate than others. She had a platform to speak out for those who couldn’t be loud enough and so far she’d been using that platform to talk about sex and single life. It wasn’t that she felt those things were no longer important, they were. She still believed in women being empowered and living how they wanted to live, only now her focus was shifting. If women wanted to live on their own terms, more had to be done on a wider scale. She had to equip them with more than just some rules.

 

It was time to use her voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confident Ben who talks dirty then immediately gets embarrassed about it after is my sexuality. I stan a big soft boi.


	22. Peace, Love and Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well look at that, I DID have a chance to update before I leave...
> 
> Notice we now have a chapter count update. This may or may not change depending on how pacing goes and how my ideas work!

It was one thing saying she wanted to do more, but doing it was something else entirely when she had no idea where to begin.

 

Tweeting about it felt so small, like the very least she could do. Social media activism was something she had criticized openly before, people who would write heartfelt statements but did nothing further to back it all up. She didn’t want to be that person.

 

The notebook next to her keyboard was covered in scribbles, numbers, and websites of various organizations and charities that she could contact. New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Joyful Heart Foundation, NOWNYC among others. All worthy causes but nothing that she felt fit in with what she wanted to achieve.

 

_ Whatever that is… _

 

She groaned rubbing the heel of her hand into her tired eyes. How long she’d been staring at her computer, she didn’t know, but her body was crying out for some kind of caffeine. 

 

Standing, she rolled her shoulders and neck, a satisfying pop sounding as she did before she grabbed her leather jacket and purse. Wandering towards the elevator, she passed Kaydel’s desk.

 

“I’m going on a Starbucks run, want anything?” She asked.

 

“No thanks, I’m good,” Kaydel said, offering her a weak smile. 

 

The air had been cleared between them, although as far as Rey was concerned there had been no air to clear. Kaydel had appeared at her desk on the Monday with a coffee and a muffin, tears almost welling in her eyes as she apologized. Rey had given her a tight hug, assuring the woman she’d done nothing wrong. 

 

Still, Kaydel was remorseful. She could see it in the girls face whenever they spoke.

 

Pressing the button for the elevator, she waited patiently until the bell chime and the doors slid open.

 

Jessika was standing inside.

 

“Rey!” She cried with shock, her eyes huge, “I, um, I was actually just coming to see you…”

 

Rey blinked at the girl, frozen to the spot as she was blindsided. 

 

“Uh…”

 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me...I get it,” Jessika muttered, still stood inside the elevator. 

 

Rey’s hand shot out to hold the closing doors, shaking herself from her stupor.

 

“I was just going on a coffee run,” she said, “Come with?”

 

Jessika nodded, her face clearly surprised.

 

“Oh, sure! Yes, I can...I can do that,”

 

Rey stepped inside the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor. The doors slid closed, leaving them both in silence, staring ahead at the brushed metal.

 

Maybe this was better. She’d planned to speak to Jessika eventually, wanting to give plenty of space for feelings to calm before she did, but now there was no time to build up the meeting in her mind. It was happening there and then if she liked it or not.

 

The elevator opened and they stepped out in silence, the tension building until Jessika spoke, her words blurting out like a held breath.

 

“I’m sorry! Rey, I don’t know what else to say, I am so fucking sorry about the gala. It took a few days, but it all came back to me and...oh my God, the things I said to you…” she rambled, her face pained as they walked down the street.

 

“It’s...alright,” Rey sighed, “Really, it’s alright. I accept your apology,”

 

Jessika stopped walking, staring at Rey like she’d grown a second head. Rey turned a pace ahead.

 

“Really?” 

 

“Yeah, Really,” Rey said, gesturing with a nod for Jessika to keep walking, the other woman falling in step, “You’d been drinking. You weren’t yourself,”

 

“I don’t feel like that was an excuse,” Jessika grumbled.

 

“Look, it wasn’t the greatest night but...it happened,” Rey elaborated, “There’s nothing we can do to take it back and, well, I owe you an apology too,”

 

“No, you don’t-”

 

“I do,” she insisted, “This whole thing turned into a fucking mess and maybe if we’d told you sooner or if I was honest with you from the start, it all could have been avoided. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt and I’m sorry,”

 

They walked in silence, Jessika thinking over Rey’s apology as she chewed her bottom lip.

 

“I mean, thank you,” Jessika replied, “You know if I’m being honest...I guess I should have seen this coming,”

 

“Seen what coming?”

 

“You and Ben,” Jessika laughed as if it were obvious, a slightly cool edge to her tone, “He talked about you all the time,”

 

“Oh come on…”

 

“I’m serious!” Jessika exclaimed as they approached Starbucks, Rey still scoffing when they entered, “If there was a chance to bring you up in conversation, he took it!”

 

“Sorry,” Rey muttered awkwardly, joining the queue. 

 

“Don’t be,” Jessika dismissed, looking up at the menu on the wall, “It’s kinda my fault. I liked him so much I didn’t want to admit that maybe he just wasn’t that into me. Not the first time I’ve done that,” she smiled wryly. 

 

“Still…doesn’t make it any better,” she mumbled. 

 

They approached the counter, ordering their drinks and shuffling to the other side, waiting for collection.

 

“How long then?” Jessika asked. 

 

“How long...what?” Rey asked, frowning in confusion.

 

Jessika rolled her eyes.

 

“Don’t play coy, how long have you had feelings for Ben?” she pressed.

 

Rey scratched the back of her neck uncomfortably, rolling her shoulders again.

 

“It’s been a while…” she admitted, “Like, I guess since he moved here. Remember those Hamilton tickets you gave me? I took Ben,”

 

“Oh my God, that was the night he insisted wasn’t a date…” 

 

“It wasn’t a date!” Rey said fiercely, “At least, I was really trying to make the point that it wasn’t a date because I didn’t want to get attached but now I think about it, I was probably falling for him even then,”

 

“So...on the night of your birthday…”

 

“Yup,”

 

“Oh Jesus,” Jessika groaned, “and I was all over the office talking about him. I wish you’d just told me!” 

 

They reached for their coffee as the cups were placed on the counter, the pair leaving the shop and heading back towards the office.

 

“Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do! You guys seemed to be getting along great, I didn’t want to admit my own feelings and I guess...I wanted him to be happy. Even if that wasn’t with me,” Rey admitted sheepishly. 

 

The whole thing seemed foolish when she said it all out loud. She sipped her coffee. Hindsight was twenty-twenty.

 

“You’re a better person than I am,” Jessika sniggered, “You know what this means right?”

 

“What?”

 

“We’re all fucking idiots,” she smiled.

 

Rey laughed in earnest, a genuine smile pulling her lips as they re-entered the office building.

 

“He really does love you, you know,” Jessika commented, “I could just...see it. I think that’s what made it that much harder. I wouldn’t want to compete with that,”

 

“I’m sorry,”

 

“Don’t be,” Jessika said, pushing the button for the elevator, “You two are good together. I’ll find the one for me eventually,”

 

“You know, Poe is still single…” she smirked. Jessika wrinkled her nose, stifling a laugh.

 

“Poe Dameron? The same guy who once insisted that the Unicorn is the national animal of Scotland…”

 

“We googled that, turns out it’s true!” Rey laughed, “Might be an idea, he says he may even get a dog soon!”

 

“Hmm. I’d rather have the dog,” Jessika smiled, the elevator stopping at her floor, “Thanks...for hearing me out. If the tables were turned, I'm not sure if I could do it,”

 

Rey held the door open as she spoke.

 

“We’ve all done stupid shit. Me, more than most so who am I to judge anybody?” she said gently, “Hey if you ever want to go for a drink or something...give me a call,”

 

“I’d like that!” Jessika agreed, “I’ll see you around, Rey,” 

 

The doors slid closed as Rey waved, a pleasant smile on her face as she sipped her coffee. Things weren’t going to be perfect straight away, feelings didn’t work like that, but forgiveness and understanding felt good. 

 

As the elevator traveled upward to her floor, she had time to contemplate how far they’d all come, what lead them there. How much judgment had she passed on people like Jessika? A relationship, a family, all normal things for someone to crave. The double standard made her uncomfortable, but all she could do now was to be better.

 

Sitting back at her desk, she groaned at her notes. The brief reprieve of her coffee run was a good distraction but it didn’t help that she was no further into her research. At least her advice pages had been done, but that wasn’t her focus.

 

There were no resources to be reached easily, but she felt like she’d been searching for hours. The process was exhausting and she was in a good enough mental state. She couldn’t imagine going through it all while suffering from trauma.

 

She grabbed her pen, needing something for her hands to do while she thought back to that horrid night. What would she have done if Rose and Finn hadn’t been at her home? How long would it have taken for her to find help? She’d been in no state to google numbers and sift through information. The instant relief of a friendly, understanding face had made all the difference.

 

She stopped twirling her pen, an idea forming in her mind as a slow smile crept onto her face. Not every woman had the same support system but what if  _ she _ could provide it?

 

She pulled her keyboard towards her and began to frantically type.

 

00000

 

By the time she was leaving the office, she was still buzzing with motivation, a fresh notebook full of ideas and a determined smile on her face. 

 

Opening the door to Ben’s apartment, she could smell the Chinese food he’d ordered, the white boxes laid out on his coffee table.

 

“Hey!” He smiled, “I just got the pork pot stickers- umph!”

 

Dropping her bag, she rushed at him, jumping into his arms to kiss him enthusiastically. Ben looked dazed when they broke apart, a smitten smile on his face.

 

“Uh, hi. Someone is in a good mood,” he laughed, Rey’s legs still firmly around his waist as he held her aloft.

 

“I have had the  _ best _ day!” She gushed, “I think I’ve had a breakthrough and I’m really excited about it!”

 

“I can see that,” he said, putting her down, “So go on, tell me about it?”

 

“Sit down,” she instructed, Ben doing as he was asked, sitting on the sofa and opening the takeaway containers while Rey stood bouncing on the balls of her feet.

 

“Alright, now, this is going to sound crazy but...I want to start my own non-profit!”

 

“A non-profit?”

 

“Yes! I’ve been thinking over and over about how I could help these women and when I was trying to do research it was so difficult to find anything  _ quickly _ ,” she explained passionately, “When I came home...that night, I had Rose and Finn waiting for me but what about the people who don’t have that? Or they don’t  _ want _ to tell their friends or family what happened? And that’s something so many people told me in these letters...they had no support system!”

 

Ben nodded thoughtfully.

 

“Alright, do you have a plan?” He asked, his professional side taking over. 

 

Rey rushed to her bag, pulling out her notebook.

 

“Sort of, it’s not a fully fledged business plan yet. I was actually going to ask you to help me!” She elaborated, “There needs to be a place where people can go and I want to give them that!”

 

“Like a shelter?”

 

“Not quite, more like...a community center. Somewhere that offers therapy and resources for everyone regardless of their background. Sexual health advice, lifestyle...anything that survivors need without the stigma attached or worry about how they can afford it!” She hurried, “Am I making any sense?”

 

“Yeah, it sounds like something great!” 

 

“I was doing some research and I found this building that I think might be perfect!” She continued, handing him her notebook. Ben squinted at her unkempt writing, “It’s by Crown Heights in Brooklyn, easy to get to. I’d have to go and see it but it seems like a good size,”

 

“So you want to create a non-profit drop in center?” Ben clarified. Rey nodded excitedly, “I...I think it’s amazing but it’s going to take a lot of work, sweetheart, it won’t happen overnight. I don’t want to dissuade you, I just want to...manage your expectations,”

 

“I know,” she exhaled, her enthusiasm somewhat dampened, “And this is why I need help. I want to feel like I’m really making a difference, a real tangible difference. I can see it all in my head but...I don’t really know where to begin,”

 

Ben grabbed a wonton, crunching through the fried pastry as he deliberated with himself, his eyes cast to the ceiling.

 

“First, you’ll need a proper business plan. I’m happy to help you but I think we should also ask Poe. Business law is his field,” Ben planned, “We can help you with the legal matters, filing for tax exemption, registering with the state...the biggest thing will be how you plan to keep this afloat? I know you’re passionate about this but business loans are risky and without a solid foundation, you might not be eligible for government grants,”

 

“It’s not easy,” she agreed, “I’m in a good position. I have a platform to speak my mind and a bit of a following. It’s not much but it’s a start…”

 

“It’s a long way off a fully working drop-in facility,”

 

“I’ve got to start somewhere!” She cried, “I know it sounds crazy but sometimes the craziest ideas work. I believe in this. I’ve spent so long fucking around, it’s time to look at a bigger picture!”

 

He nodded slowly, his chest fit to burst with pride. He’d never seen her so passionate about a cause, her eyes wild with possibility. What she wanted to do sounded amazing but he worried about her excitement taking over her common sense. 

 

She needed a mentor, someone who had natural authority in a kind manner as well as connections that could get anything done. He’d been in law long enough to see causes held down by red tape. No, Rey needed a figurehead for her cause and as much as it pained him, he knew just the person.

 

Swallowing thickly, he shoved his hair out of his face, his jaw working.

 

“I...actually might be able to help you,” he said uncomfortably, “Someone I know has the resources and the contacts to give this plan a kickstart,”

 

“Oh my God, really? That’s amazing!” Rey gushed, rushing around the table to join him on his sofa, “Who?”

 

Ben grit his teeth, visibly wincing with discomfort.

 

“My Mom,”

 

Rey stared at him. In all the time they’d spent together, he never mentioned his family. She knew the basics. His Father passed away and they didn’t have a good relationship, he was estranged from his Mother and they hadn’t spoken in years. Anytime family came up, he tactfully swerved to conversation back to her.

 

Now he was telling her that his Mother could be the answer to her plans.

 

“Your Mom?” Rey repeated, “Really?”

 

“My full name is Ben Solo- _ Organa _ ,” he muttered.

 

Rey frowned, trying to place the name until her eyes widened.

 

“As in Leia Organa?  _ Senator _ Leia Organa?!” She gawked, Ben nodding again, “Holy shit, this is...huge!”

 

“It’s not a big deal…”

 

“Not a big deal?! Your Mother is a living legend,” she praised. 

 

Ben rolled his eyes, having heard that particular sentence more than once.

 

“So I’ve been told,” he grumbled, “That’s pretty much all I heard through college from my professors...and throughout my internship and the first few years of my career. It basically didn’t stop until I dropped Organa from my name. Let me tell you, she wasn’t that much of a  _ living legend _ at home...whenever she was actually home,”

 

There was a trace of bitterness in his voice. The ecstatic smile slowly dropped from Rey’s face.

 

“You’re not keen on this are you?” She said softly, fighting to hide the disappointment.

 

“Listen, things with my Mom are complicated. We haven’t really spoken much since my Dad died and I don’t want to get your hopes up…”

 

“I’m not-“

 

“You are!” He smiled gently, “I can see it in your face. There’s a lot of stuff to unpack here, I’m going to have to meet with my Mom first before I can start asking her for favors,”

 

“If you’re not comfortable with this, you don’t have to. I’ll find another way!”

 

Ben shook his head.

 

“Honestly, I’ve actually been thinking about this for a while now,” he confessed, “Things have been going so great, maybe it’s a good time to start building some more bridges,”

 

Rey smiled proudly, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

 

“Thank you,” she said sincerely, “You are amazing!”

 

He kissed her softly, his face still pensive.

 

“You’ll need to have a solid plan before you meet her,” he warned gently, “but that gives me time to get in touch I guess, try and make some kind of connection,” 

 

“I can do that,” Rey smiled. She gestured to the food still waiting on the table, “Let’s eat. I know you slaved for a whole two minutes over a hot phone to order this in,”

 

They settled back into the sofa, Rey grabbing at containers while Ben reached for the remote, preparing for a cozy night of TV and takeout. While snapping her disposable chopsticks apart, Rey paused.

 

“Oh my God…”

 

“What?” Ben asked, turning to see her sitting perfectly still with a bewildered expression on her face.

 

“I just...I just agreed to meet your _ Mom _ !” she gasped, “I’ve never met a guy’s parents before…”

 

Ben stroked his beard, smiling with amusement as he took over the duty of dishing out food.

 

“I guess you did,” he smiled, “Scared?”

 

“Yes! What if she doesn’t like me?” she asked, accepting the box of chow mein from him. Ben shrugged.

 

“She’s more likely to enjoy your company than mine at the moment!” he quipped, “Besides, you’re intelligent, witty and beautiful. Why wouldn’t she like you?”

 

Rey blushed, brushing off his easy compliment to change the subject.

 

“You know, if I’m meeting your Mom...you should meet my parents. It’s only fair,”

 

“Really?” he asked, his face growing more serious as he turned to her. 

 

He knew her history, he knew how she had previously felt about attachment and relationships. The idea of her asking him to meet her foster parents was special in his eyes, something that she had never offered to anyone else.

 

“Yeah, I do. I want you to meet my Mom and Dad,” she answered, confident that she felt secure enough in her relationship. Ben grinned, a warmth spreading through him like sinking into comfort.

 

“This must be what an adult relationship is like,” he smirked, “How’d you think we’re doing? This whole learning together as we go?”

 

Rey offered him a bashful smile as she bopped her forehead against his shoulder, chopsticks in one hand and a Chinese food container in the other.

 

“I think we’re doing pretty good,”


	23. Evolving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning from Tokyo! It's hot as balls here, my hair hates the humidity and the amount of training I'm doing (I'm a wrestler) is breaking my body...
> 
> But man, is it awesome here! This is my third long stay tour and I'm thrilled to be back!
> 
> We're coming into the home straight with this story. Sorry that updates may slow down a little bit, but I'll do my best to get this tale finished while I'm away :)

Ben had been staring at his phone for the past hour.

 

He’d deliberated sending an email but it felt so impersonal and offered more of a chance for his Mother to ghost him. Not that she would. She wasn’t like him and the multitude of unopened, unanswered emails in his inbox.

 

Poe had been the voice of reason, encouraging him to call.

 

“After so long, you owe it to your Mom and yourself to pick up the damn phone and speak,” Poe had said sternly, “She’s your Mother, she loves you. I bet she’ll be thrilled to talk to you,”

 

Ben wasn’t so sure.

 

But he’d promised Rey he would try. His blossoming relationship, growing stronger as every week passed had been the catalyst for his change of heart.

 

For years he’d held onto the stubborn notion that their relationship was beyond repair. Too much resentment and hurt to work through. Cutting off ties was the easy thing to do. Burrowing his head in the metaphorical sand.

 

He noticed it was the same thing Rey had done with her life. She’d continued pretending that her manner of dealing with problems was fine, insisting she was alright to anyone who would listen. It was like they ran in parallel. Then he watched her break, he held her hand while she rebuilt herself and learned to confront her demons.

 

And he was inspired by his pride for her to do the same.

 

That didn’t make picking up the phone any easier.

 

Drumming his fingers against his office desk, he tried to think of how to even begin.

 

_ Hey Mom, it’s your son...yeah the one who cut you out of his life after Dad died… _

 

_ Hello Mother, it is I...Benjamin! _

 

_ Yo Leia… _

 

He groaned, rubbing his face trying to clear his head. Sitting staring was doing no good. Sooner or later, he’d have to just bite the bullet.

 

“Just fucking dial you coward,” he mumbled to himself, grabbing his phone.

 

The line rang and he held his breath, the phone clamped to his ear. Maybe she wouldn’t be home. That would be okay, right? She wouldn’t be home and then it wasn’t really his fault that he hadn’t spoken to her. He’d simply have to try another day and…

 

“Hello?”

 

_ Shit _

 

He sat frozen, the sound of her voice holding him hostage while he willed his brain to say something, anything.

 

“Hello? Who is it?” She repeated, mild irritation radiating through the line.

 

“Hey, Mom,”

 

Silence. 

 

He felt dizzy, suddenly sucking in a deep breath when his lungs began to burn and he could have sworn he’d heard Leia do the same.

 

“Ben,” she breathed, “I...I didn’t expect to hear from you,” 

 

“Yeah, I know,” he replied inelegantly, unsure what to say. 

 

A tense silence reigned again until Leia spoke.

 

“Has something happened?” She asked warily. 

 

“Happened? Wh...what do you mean?” He asked, frowning as he stared ahead at the wall of his office.

 

“Well it’s been that long, I assumed you’d only be calling me if something had happened,” Leia said plainly.

 

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

 

“No no, nothing has happened. I just...I’ve been thinking a lot and I wanted to speak to you. I think we should talk...properly, I mean,”

 

“That would be nice,” she agreed warily, “Especially given the last time I heard from you it was a one-sentence email to tell me you were moving to New York. Honestly, I didn’t expect to hear from you again...I’ve tried calling and writing, but you never return my messages,”

 

“I know,” Ben winced remorsefully, “And I want to  _ try _ and fix that,”

 

“You’re calling now. That’s something,” Leia relented softly, “I’d like to actually see you. It’s been so long Son,”

 

Ben swallowed, glancing to his computer wallpaper. It was a random selfie Rey had made him take with her at their spot in Central Park. He’d protested, said he hated it, yet there it was on his screen. He summoned all the courage he could.

 

“I was going to ask if you wanted to come and meet,” he requested nervously, “I know it’s a bit of a journey but-“

 

“I think that sounds great,” Leia cut in, “I’ve not been to New York in so long. It will be good to see the place and you,”

 

Ben breathed a sigh of relief.

 

“Good. Great,” he smiled, “I’ll, uh...I’ll forward you some details and we’ll get something arranged,”

 

“I look forward to it,”

 

He said his goodbyes quickly, his hands shaking as he did. Talking to her had seemed like the monumental task, surely everything after the first step should have been easy? But the realization that he’d have to  _ see _ her hit him like a sledgehammer in his chest. 

 

Rey smiled at him from his computer screen. All white teeth, sparkling eyes, and rosy cheeks. Behind her, he was pulling a silly face. Ben took a deep breath.

 

_ <Ben> I did it. I called my Mom x _

 

_ <Rey> I’m so proud of you! <3 x _

 

He smiled at his phone. She was proud of him.

 

That was enough.

 

00000

 

Rey sat cross-legged on her sofa, the laptop opened on the coffee table in front of her as Skype bleeped its silly tune. She twirled her hair absently, watching the graphics move until a connection was made.

 

“Rey, sweetie! It is so good to see your face!” Jyn gushed on the screen. 

 

Rey smiled happily. Her mother looked exactly as she always did, her dark hair streaked with silver pulled back into a fishtail braid, her fringe brushing near her eyebrows. She seemed to be sat in her kitchen, her denim overalls accented by the same olive green scarf she’d worn since Cassian had gifted it to her years ago.

 

“Hey Mom, what’s happening?” Rey smiled, grabbing her coffee. Jyn did the same on her end, “Dark roast today?”

 

“Green tea actually,” Jyn replied, tilting the mug to the camera, “Trying to cut down on my coffee consumption! Nothing new here sweetie, quiet as usual. Oh, it is good to see your face!”

 

“Where is Dad?” Rey asked, Jyn gesturing behind her somewhere.

 

“He’s around. Tinkering as usual,” she said, “How are you?”

 

“I’m fine…”

 

“How are you  _ really _ ?” Jyn pressed, pinning her with an inquisitive stare through the screen, “You know we’ve been reading your articles. We’re proud of you baby, but you can’t burn yourself out!”

 

“I know Mom,” Rey sighed.

 

She’d told her parents of her experiences long before she’d decided to write about it. After an illuminating session with Dr. Ahsoka, Rey had thought more about her foster parents, how she was still clinging onto the idea that her real family might be trying to find her.

 

Except that Jyn and Cassian were her real family.

 

She didn’t know her birth parents. They were a figment of her imagination, phantoms of a life she hadn’t lived. Jyn and Cassian were real. They had chosen her, loved her as their own and given her a wonderful upbringing.

 

The guilt she felt when she realized she’d been holding something back from them, reserving affection for people who didn’t deserve it, had shaken her to her core. A number of sessions with Dr. Ahsoka have been dedicated just to working through those complex feelings.

 

But she had and things were better for it.

 

“I think I’m working on something pretty big though,” Rey divulged, “It’s a good thing. I’ve not felt this excited about something in...a long time,”

 

“Are you allowed to tell me what it is?” Jyn asked, leaning into the screen as she rested her elbows on her kitchen table. 

 

“Not quite yet,” Rey said, “It’s still new, but...I do have something else to tell you,”

 

“Ooh, you are full of gossip today. Go on then, I’m all ears,”

 

“I’ve been seeing someone,” Rey said slowly. 

 

“I’m sorry this signal might be breaking up...did you say you’ve been seeing someone?” Jyn exclaimed.

 

Rey nodded her head, dipping her face towards her coffee as she sipped, smirking at her Mother’s expression.

 

“Oh my God! Cassian, get in here!” she bellowed suddenly, “Rey has a boyfriend!”

 

Trying not to giggle, Rey patiently waited, listening to the banging in the background on the screen until Cassian appeared next to Jyn. His hair was also greying, but he still sported the same floppy style she always remembered, a goatee and mustache still gracing face.

 

“A boyfriend? Who?!” He questioned. 

 

Rey rolled her eyes with a good-natured smile.

 

“Hi, Dad, nice to see you too,”

 

“Hello sunflower,” he cooed, his expression turning serious once more, “Who is he? Is he a good boy? He better not be one of those barfly types!” He warned. 

 

“His name is Ben,” Rey explained smoothly, “He’s 32, he’s a lawyer who I met through a mutual friend. He’s a very good guy, Dad,”

 

“A lawyer!” Jyn cried, clutching her chest dramatically, “Oh thank God, I was sure you were going to tell me he owned some hipster coffee place or he created art out of old tin cans or something…”

 

“Thanks, Mom,” Rey muttered dryly.

 

“Well, I can be forgiven for thinking that way. The type of boys you’ve  _ entertained _ in the past?”

 

“Anyway!” Rey cleared her throat quickly, changing the subject for the sake of her pride and her Father’s mental health, “I was going to ask if you guys maybe wanted to come into town? We could go for dinner, see a show and you could meet Ben?” 

 

“That sounds perfect!” Jyn agreed enthusiastically, “Doesn’t it sound perfect, Cassian?”

 

“Yeah, great,” He deadpanned, “This boy better be respectful!” He grumbled, pointing at the screen.

 

“He’s very respectful, Dad. I promise!” Rey insisted, doing her best to block out the flashbacks of the night before. She still had a very clear handprint on her ass, “I think you’ll really like him,”

 

“I’m sure we will love him, sweetie!” Jyn assured her, nudging Cassian so hard in the ribs he winced, “Right?”

 

“Yes, yes,” Cassian grumbled. 

 

“Don’t worry Dad, you’re still my number one guy,” she winked at the screen, Cassian softening with a smile.

 

“You are taking care of yourself?” He asked, “We worry about you,”

 

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Rey smiled, “Things are great. Actually, things are better than great. I think this is the best I’ve ever been. I promise, I’m taking care of myself,”

 

_ I am now at least... _

 

“We’re pleased to hear it,” Jyn smiled, “Oh, let me tell you about what happened at the shop the other day…”

 

Rey sat back into the cushions, gripping her coffee cup as Jyn told her story, complete with impressions and elaborate hand gestures. 

 

This is something she’d been missing. It hadn’t occurred to her just how dismissive she used to be, making excuses to get off the call as quickly as she could after a few minutes. 

 

Instead, she sipped her coffee, and listened to Jyn talk, giving her the attention she deserved. Occasionally Cassian would pass in the background, offering his opinion which was quickly scoffed at lovingly by his wife.

 

Rey was in no hurry to hang up.

 

00000

 

Walking in the fresh air felt good. 

 

It invigorated her senses after feeling practically chained to her desk. Her work was exciting again, stimulating and new but that didn’t mean she could go without a break.

 

Coffee in hand, Rey and Rose walked together through the park. Circling the lake as the sun shone on the water, Rey had explained her plans to her friend.

 

“It sounds amazing, girl!” Rose has praised, “You know, anything publicity wise I am more than happy to do for you! Seriously, no charge, I am here for all of it!” 

 

“That would be great!” Rey said, willing to accept any help she could get, “I’ve got Poe and Ben helping with legal stuff. It was Poe who helped me finalize my business plan. I think it’s pretty good,”

 

“Pretty good? It seems as watertight as it’s going to be,” Rose smiled, “I’m really proud of you, you know,”

 

“Thank you,”

 

“No, I mean it,” Rose said seriously, “You’re my best friend. That goes beyond just parties and junk,” Rey frowned at her friend's wary tone, sipping her coffee.

 

“Where is this coming from?” She questioned. Rose scrunched her face awkwardly.

 

“Its just...I’m with Finn and you’re with Ben and...things are changing,” she explained, “I don’t want things between us to change…”

 

“Why would they?!” Rey asked, “Rose, Come on, you’ve been my best friend since college. Thick and thin. Things won’t change, they’ll just...evolve!”

 

“Evolve?”

 

“Yeah, instead of going out hunting for guys, we’ll go shopping for...I dunno, tea sets!”

 

“Tea sets?!”

 

“Or whatever couples need!” Rey laughed, throwing her arm around her friend's shoulder, “I love you, ya little weirdo,”

 

“I love you too,” Rose giggled, “So, things with Ben are getting serious? A few months in and you’re meeting his Mom?”

 

“Not only that, his senator Mom who he hasn’t spoken to properly in years,” Rey said with forced flippancy, “You know, totally not a big deal or anything,”

 

“Yeah, you seem super chill about it,” Rose drawled, thick with sarcasm.

 

“It’s just...it’s important that his Mom likes me,” Rey sighed, swirling the cup in her hand as they wandered, “I need her to like me,”

 

“Are you meeting her with Ben?” 

 

“Not the first time. She’s arriving in a few days. I did offer to go with him but he said he needed to do it on his own,” Rey explained, “I can respect that,”

 

“I hated meeting Finn’s parents,” Rose groaned, “Don’t get me wrong, his Dad is lovely but his Mom? Well, let’s say I didn’t realize the apron strings were still tied so tightly!”

 

“Really? But he always seemed so…”

 

“I know, right?!” Rose cried, “But you know that Thursday night poker tournament he always said he was going to? Nope! The boy was heading back to Washington Heights so his Mom could do his laundry and feed him!”

 

“Oh my God. You think you know a person!” Rey cackled, clutching her side as she laughed.

 

“Well, you can guess who the bad guy is in his Mom’s eyes for taking up so much of his time,” she said, pointing to herself, “This girl!”

 

“Has it caused problems?”

 

“Not too many,” Rose smirked, “The occasional snide comment but Finn is actually pretty good at shutting that shit down. He, uh, he asked me to move in with him,” Rey stopped walking, grinning at her friend.

 

“You and Finn are moving in? That’s amazing!” Rey gushed, “Who’d have thought it, my two most slutty friends...shacking up!”

 

“I could say something similar about you with Ben! I know it may be quick, but it feels right,” Rose declared, “It’s weird, this growing up thing,”

 

“I don’t hate it,” Rey smiled, drifting back to the subject playing on her mind “I just hope his Mom is easy to get along with,”

 

“Hush. She’s going to love you. I’ve never met a person you couldn’t win over,” Rose said fiercely, “How have things been with Ben? Still sickening?”

 

Rey chewed on the rim of her coffee cup, attempting to hide the giddy smile she was sure Rose would mock her for.

 

“Things are...perfect, for lack of a better term. Don’t get me wrong, therapy has helped  _ a lot _ but I’ve come to the conclusion that letting someone else take care of you sometimes isn’t  _ all _ bad,”

 

Rose nodded in agreement.

 

“It’s not. I’m glad you get that. We’ve only been trying to tell you for years,” Rose smiled, “So, let’s recap. You have a good job, you’re attending therapy, you have a stable relationship and you’re turning past trauma into something that I know will be amazing. Rey Jackson, what will you do next?” She teased, her voice that of an enthusiastic game show host, causing Rey to snort loudly as she laughed.

 

“Now? I’m going to fucking enjoy it!”


	24. Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Tokyo is still humid as hell. It's just the season for it, unfortunately!
> 
> Thank you for all your comments, I'm sorry I've not had time to reply to them all but It's been mental busy here. Chapter count may change slightly depending on how things progress chapter by chapter.

Ben pulled at the collar of his shirt only to discover it wasn’t even tight. His throat felt restricted nonetheless as he approached the famous restaurant. Despite his nerves, he smiled to himself. 

 

His Mother knew what she liked.

 

Pushing inside, he was met by the host.

 

“Welcome to The Russian Tearoom, how may I help you?” The host smiled politely, immaculately dressed as he expected.

 

“I’m meeting someone, she may already be here. The table was booked under ‘Oragana’?” 

 

The host checked the list, nodding in satisfaction.

 

“Of course, if you would please follow me,”

 

Ben dutifully did as he was told, walking through the opulent restaurant, his heart pounding. He hoped it wasn’t too obvious that he’d been sweating with nerves, his hand shaking slightly as he pushed his hair from his face.

 

And there she was.

 

Leia Organa sat proudly in the more private area of the restaurant, sipping her tea delicately, her posture as perfect as he remembered. Except she wasn’t as he remembered, she looked older, weary and a pang of guilt hit his chest. Had he done that to her? Added to her woes over the years? 

 

He approached the table cautiously, clearing his throat. Leia turned, her relief palpable as she stood to greet him.

 

“Ben, it’s...it’s so wonderful to see you, Son,” she smiled. She reached for him, grasping him by the elbows to hold him at arm's length to take him all in, “Look at you! Your hair is longer...I could swear you’re getting taller,”

 

“Maybe you’re getting smaller,” he chuckled nervously, “It’s good to see you Mom,”

 

“Sit, please!” She said, gesturing to the seat opposite hers.

 

 Ben removed his coat, a server approaching to take it from him so he could sit down, ordering coffee as he did.

 

“So…” Ben began uncomfortably, at a loss of what to say or where to begin. Leia smiled wryly.

 

“Shall we dig straight into it or wait until after brunch?” She asked, smirking over the rim of her china cup, but Ben could see the tension behind her eyes.

 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to eat if we don’t,” Ben sighed, “Mom, I-“

 

“I’d like to go first, if I may?” She said. Ben nodded, his mouth snapping closed, “I’m sorry, Benjamin,”

 

Ben blinked in astonishment.

 

“You...wait, what?” 

 

Leia took a deep breath, the sound of the cup settling on the saucer sending a shiver along his spine.

 

“I said that I’m sorry Ben,” Leia confirmed, “I believe this apology has been long overdue,”

 

“Wh...what for?”

 

“I loved your Father so much, but he wasn’t perfect,” She sighed sadly, “I was so focused on my career that I wasn’t there for you, not really, not the way you needed me to be. You grew up with an absent mother and a father filling your head with what a ‘real man’ should be...It’s no wonder you pulled away from us the minute you could,”

 

Ben sat silently, his movement jerky as he spooned sugar into his coffee, trying to process the apology he was given.

 

“That’s...um, wow, I didn’t expect that,” he mumbled, “Thank you. I...l need to say that I’m sorry too. When Dad died, I was still so...angry. Like, the idea that you were so devastated because you knew and loved a different side of him made me so mad and I couldn’t be around that,”

 

“Your Father loved you, Ben. He wanted the best for you,”

 

“He had a shit way of showing it!” Ben snapped, “He never accepted me the way I was! He was always trying to turn me into...to...another version of him!” 

 

Leia nodded reluctantly, pouring more tea for herself from the pot on the table.

 

“Han had a very...set idea of masculinity. He was so excited to have a boy,” she said, “It’s not an excuse but maybe a bit of an explanation. I regret so much that I wasn’t there to temper him or give you the support you needed,”

 

He wanted to feel that anger, that rage fueled him through so many situations. He was sure he only graduated law school because he was motivated by spite, passed the bar exam to prove he could do something great without anyone’s help. 

 

But looking across the table at his mother, her large eyes imploring him to be honest with her, to connect, he found the fires smothered and all that was left was regret that he had wasted time.

 

“I can’t say I’ve not been hurt or that it didn’t affect me. It did, badly...but someone once told me that not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I don’t want to do that anymore. I feel like we’ve wasted too much time,” he smiled, swallowing back the tears that threatened to spill. 

 

Leia reaches across the table, her own tears leaving silvery lines down her cheeks.

 

“I agree,” she sniffed, “I love you, Ben,”

 

“I love you too Mom,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze.

 

Hastily they dried their eyes, a member of the waiting staff approaching to take their brunch order. Ben ordered the same as his mother, realizing that he hadn’t even bothered to glance at the menu.

 

“That person seems like a smart one,” Leia suggested, dabbing at her eyes with the napkin, “The one who said about non-forgiveness being like poison,”

 

“She is,” he smiled affectionately.

 

Leia tilted her head curiously, picking up her cup once more. She smiled to herself, noticing the color in his cheeks and the way his smile lit up his eyes.

 

“She? Can I assume this is the mysterious girlfriend that I’ve heard absolutely nothing about?” 

 

Ben nodded sheepishly.

 

“Yeah...Rey,” he replied, “Her name is Rey. She’s a writer for a magazine here in New York, she lives in Brooklyn, we’ve been together...officially for a few months now and it’s all going really well,”

 

“How did you meet?”

 

Ben shifty uncomfortably in his seat. There was really no need to divulge everything that had happened between himself and Rey on the run up to their relationship. They lived it, they learned and grew from it and now they were happy. That was the part his Mother needed to know. 

 

“She’s a mutual friend of Poe’s,” Ben explained, “We met at one of his parties,”

 

“Oh, Poe! And how is he? Still breaking hearts?” Leia asked fondly. Ben rolled his eyes.

 

“Something like that,” he sniggered, “He’s planning on getting a dog to avoid settling down,”

 

“Sounds like Poe,” she laughed, “Rey sounds lovely, I’m surprised you didn’t bring her with you today,”

 

“Well, I thought we should speak in private first,” he shrugged, “You can meet her while you’re here. She’s actually very busy, she’s working on creating her own non-profit organization. Poe and I have been helping her,”

 

“Really? That is very impressive,” Leia praised, “She sounds wonderful,”

 

“She is,” Ben agreed, “I love her...very much,”

 

Leia sat back in her seat regarding her obviously smitten son with interest. Their food was presented, the waiting staff leaving them alone once more.

 

“So it’s love then? Well now I have to meet her,” Leia smirked picking up her cutlery, “And I’d like to hear more about this non-profit of hers,”

 

“I’ll let her tell it,” Ben said, “It’s Rey’s project, I’m just assisting her with whatever she needs,”

 

“That’s good,” she agreed, “Now, tell me about this new apartment of yours…”

 

They ate. They drank. They spoke of things missed and times passed. Ben still felt uneasy, and he’d have been surprised if Leia didn’t feel the same way. Nothing could be fixed over a single meal, but just being there, smiling and talking was something positive. He felt lighter, ready to move on to better things.

 

00000

 

“So…give me the rundown again?”

 

Rey glanced up from fastening her over the knee caramel colored boots to see Ben still standing in front of the full-length mirror nervously fidgeting with his clothes.

 

“My Mom’s name is Jyn…”

 

“Like the drink?”

 

“Pronounced the same way but spelled J-Y-N,” Rey continued, “She owns an art supply store and she’s going to love you the second she sees you, I promise,” she smirked.

 

“And your Dad?”

 

“Cassian. He was an engineer in the Army before he was medically discharged and he decided to take early retirement,” she elaborated, “He might be a slightly tougher nut to crack,”

 

“Meaning?” He asked, Rey, approaching to straighten his shirt collar with a cheeky smile.

 

“Well, I’m his only daughter,” she grinned, “And he knows all the best places to hide a dead body,”

 

“Comforting,” Ben swallowed, his voice wobbling. 

 

Rey giggled, standing on her toes to kiss him. His hands skimmed her waist, training down to her thighs hugged in tight dark denim. She smiled against his lips, a whisper of a moan emanating from her as his fingers gripped her ass, pulling her tightly against him.

 

When they finally parted, she could see the look in his dark eyes that made her temperature rise.

 

“We don’t have time!”

 

“Aw,”

 

00000

 

Rey could feel the tension in Ben’s body as she clutched his hand, making their way into the restaurant.

 

“Will you relax?” Rey said softly to him while the followed the host, “You’re acting like you’re heading to a death sentence!”

 

“I will remind you of this when you meet my Mom,” he muttered. There was no time for her to reply as they approached the table.

 

“Rey!” A woman with dark and grey streaked hair beamed brightly, standing from the table to throw her arms around her daughter, squeezing her tightly, “It is so wonderful to see you and you look so beautiful!” 

 

“Hey Mom, it’s good to see you too!” Rey smiled, pulling back. She turned to Cassian, “Dad!”

 

“Hello Sunflower,” He cooed, “I’ve missed you, beautiful girl!” He hugged her tightly, all the while Ben stood back dutifully, smiling at the reunited family in front of him until Rey turned.

 

“Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Ben Solo,” she introduced, grabbing him by the hand to pull him forward.

 

Jyn shamelessly allowed her eyes to wander, examining him up and down before giving her daughter the nod. Cassian was a different story. The smile on his face was replaced with an unrelenting gaze. 

 

“Ben, this is my Mom, Jyn,” Rey said, “And this is my Dad, Cassian,”

 

“You may call me Mr. Andor,” Cassian replied with a cool smile, extending his hand that Ben accepted, noticing the grip was firmer than expected.

 

“It’s great to meet you Mr. Andor,” Ben said politely, “And you, Mrs. Andor…”

 

“Oh, forget that! You call me Jyn,” she scoffed, pulling him into a tight hug, “Let’s sit, I want to hear all about how you two met!”

 

Rey laughed under her breath, hiding her own nerves well as they took their seats.

 

“So Ben, what are your intentions with my daughter?” Cassian asked firmly, Ben almost choking on nothing but air.

 

“Dad!”

 

“Cassian, can we at least get some wine on the table before you start grilling the poor boy?” Jyn suggested, resting her hand on her husbands arm gently. 

 

“Fine, fine,” Cassian muttered, “What do you do, Ben?”

 

“I’m a lawyer, I specialise in family law mainly,” Ben answered, trying not to snatch his glass of wine the minute it was poured, “I only moved here a few months ago,”

 

“I see. Where did you graduate?” Cassian pressed. Ben took a deep breath, feeling more like he was heading into an interrogation than a family dinner.

 

“Yale,” he said somewhat shortly. Cassian tilted his head thoughtfully.

 

“That’s a very good school. You’re very lucky,”

 

“I worked very hard,” Ben shot back, the two men staring at each other across the table while Jyn and Rey watched on, their focus bouncing between the verbal tennis match.

 

Rey held her breath, the tension growing until Cassian cleared his throat.

 

“Ben, would you care to join me outside?” He asked.

 

It wasn’t a request.

 

“Dad, there’s really no need…”

 

“We won’t be long Sunflower,” Cassian smiled, the men standing from the table, her Father leading the way while Ben followed out to the patio.

 

Rey turned to Jyn.

 

“Mom, is Dad going to kill Ben?”

 

“Oh sweetie...probably,”

 

Like a man walking towards a firing squad, Ben followed Cassian out towards the smoking patio.

 

Once they were out of the tables line of sight, Cassian produced a packet of cigarettes, pulling one for himself before offering one to Ben.

 

“No thanks,” Ben refused, “I don’t smoke,”

 

“That’s good,” Cassian smiled wryly, lighting his cigarette, “Jyn, I like to say she would kill me if she knew but I’m certain she already does. The problem with falling in love with a sharp woman...you can’t get away with anything!”

 

Ben huffed a laugh, shoving his hands into his pockets to avoid fidgeting nervously. Cassian took a long drag before he spoke again.

 

“You know, I remember when Rey came to us. The first night she wouldn’t come out of her room and we thought she was maybe nervous or trying to settle in. So we asked her, and do you know what she told us?” 

 

Ben shook his head, listening intently to the older man’s story.

 

“We hadn’t given her permission, and that broke my heart. She just wanted to please, so afraid to make a mistake in case we didn’t want her,” he continued, occasionally pausing to smoke, “And that is Rey all over. I told myself that I would never let anything happen to that girl...and I failed,”

 

“That’s not true…”

 

“It is,” Cassian cut him off firmly before sighing, “and more than once. You know what I’m talking about,”

 

Ben took a deep breath, his jaw clenching as he nodded gravely.

 

“So you can understand why I have...concerns about the man my daughter ends up with,” he concluded, “So, I’m going to ask you again, honestly, what are your intentions with Rey?”

 

Cassian pinned him with a hard, inquisitive stare as Ben felt compelled to pull his hands out of his pockets. He couldn’t lie to this man even if he wanted to. 

 

“I don’t think I’m the type of man you might assume I am,” Ben began carefully, “I don’t have a long history, so to speak, with girls. Rey is challenging and smart, she makes me see the world differently. From where we started, we have come so far. Sir, I love your daughter...all I want is to make her happy, to keep her safe. This isn’t some short term thing for me, this is real!”

 

Cassian continued to stare at him without offering a hint of his thoughts, Ben anxiously awaiting a verdict. After what felt like an age, the corners of Cassian’s mouth lifted.

 

“Challenging is certainly a good way to put it,” he smiled, “I think she gets that from Jyn. When we first met years ago, we used to fight like cats and dogs. It’s a comfort to hear your answer. Please don’t let me down,” 

 

Ben watched Cassian extend his hand, staring dumbly until he realized what was happening. Hastily he grabbed it, shaking with a far lighter grip than he’d experienced the first time.

 

“I won’t, Mr. Andor,” he promised. 

 

“Call me Cassian,” 

 

Together they made their way back to the table, the atmosphere far less tense than when they left. Rey stared between them with wide, anxious eyes.

 

“Everything good?” She asked tentatively. Ben reached for her hand, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

 

“Totally fine,” he smiled.

 

“Thank God,” Rey breathed, “Mom and I have already made our way through one bread basket, we’d hate to have asked for a second,” she teased.

 

Ben picked up his menu.

 

“Order anything,” he said, “Tonight is on me!”

 

Her eyes lighting up, Jyn flagged down a waiter, ordering a bottle of champagne.

 

Ben only smiled.

 

00000

 

The show had been wonderful as Rey had expected. They probably should have branched out, gone to see a different play but her parents rarely came to the city and her Mother had always wanted to see Hamilton.

 

With her parents on the left and Ben on the right, Rey smiled to herself at the difference a few months could make. From her ‘not-date’ charged with confusing feelings and sexual tension to him sitting with her parents was a jarring change. 

 

This time she didn’t fight her instincts in the darkness, reaching to hold his hand as she leaned into his arm.

 

When the show was over, they said their goodbyes, Cassian’s demeanor far more relaxed than when they first met. He shook Ben’s hand once more, offering a pat on the younger man's shoulder.

 

“What did my Dad want to talk to you about then?” Rey asked as they began to wander back towards Ben’s apartment. 

 

“Just...guy stuff,”

 

“Oh no, I know my Dad and that wasn’t guy stuff,” she scoffed, “You were talking about me. What did he say?”

 

“He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t some asshole who was going to break your heart, I guess,” he shrugged, “He’s very protective over you,”

 

“I know,” she mumbled. Ben gave her arm a gentle tug, pulling her against his side and pressing a kiss to her hair.

 

“But so am I,” he declared, “And now he knows that,”

 

“You know, I was taking pretty good care of myself before you came along,” Rey jested, even if she knew it wasn’t entirely true. Truthfully she was good at making it  _ look _ like she was taking good care of herself. 

 

It wasn’t the same thing.

 

Ben offered her a lovingly skeptical look.

 

“Yeah, but now you don’t have to,” 

 

She wrapped her arm around his waist, his own draping over her shoulder comfortably. 

 

“Why don’t we get a cab and I’ll show you how I plan to take care of  _ you _ , Hmm?” Rey said playfully, her fingers gripping into his waist. 

 

She could feel the jolt of excitement ripple through him, a smug smile appearing on his face as he hailed a cab.

 

“Taxi!”


	25. Just Know That I'm Already Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting there folks! 
> 
> Thank you so much to SweetKyloRen for Alpha reading this chapter. I've not been feeling my writing at all recently, so having a fresh pair of eyes read over has made the world of difference! <3

The New York lights twinkled through the windows of the cab as they drove back towards Ben’s apartment.

 

Sitting together in the back, they’d fallen into a comfortable silence although she could feel his knee bouncing with anticipation for returning home. Rey cast her gaze out the window, occasionally glancing towards Ben as he looked down at his phone. She smiled mischievously, her hand reaching across to gently stroke his thigh. There was no harm in getting things started early. The corners of his mouth lifted delicately but he didn’t look up from the screen until her hand began to wander.

 

“Need something?” He asked, sucking in a sharp breath. Rey continued to smile, her eyes appearing more interested in the streets than the situation she was creating in Ben’s pants. 

 

“That’s a question I should probably be asking you,” she said flippantly, her fingers tracing the hardening bulge causing his hips to buck. Quickly, he covered the action, acting as if he was fixing his seatbelt when the driver checked his rearview mirror.

 

“If you want me to make it back to the apartment, you’re going to have to stop,” he muttered quietly, biting his inner cheek hard when her palm brushed the head. 

 

Casually Rey withdrew her hand taking pity on him. There was still a very noticeable bulge straining against the fabric and a very frustrated look on his face, his jaw clenched tightly until the cab stopped. Paying the driver as quickly as possible, they left the car, Ben grabbing Rey’s hand and storming ahead into his building.

 

Rey giggled as she trotted along behind him, struggling to keep up with his powerful strides.

 

“Someone is keen!” She teased as the elevator doors opened.

 

“Tonight I had to be on my best behavior with your parents and I was, I was a complete saint!” He grumbled shortly, “and how am I rewarded? You tease me in the back of a cab. I have news for you, these pants? They don’t have much give!”

 

She found herself lifted from her feet, her legs locking around his waist as he braced her against the wall of the elevator, his mouth roughly taking hers. Her surprised squeal was lost to their kiss, both groaning as he rolled his hips against her, the friction between them causing both to moan in tandem.

 

Her head tipped back, biting her lip to stifle a particularly loud groan, his lips migrating along her neck.

 

“Ben...Ben...we’re going to get caught,” she panted, the feel of him driving them both into a pent up frenzy and she wondered what the hell was taking so long to reach his floor.

 

Not that she wasn’t enjoying her boyfriend’s rise in confidence but It would be just the thing for them to be caught grinding like horny teenagers by one of his neighbors.

 

His hand shot out, slamming the button that brought the elevator to an abrupt halt. As much as she wanted to say they were certain to get caught, his spontaneity was exciting and something she hadn’t seen in him before. 

 

“We’ve only got a few minutes before they realize this thing has stopped,” he growled, his body still gyrating against hers, “So you better cum quickly sweetheart,”

 

Her eyes rolled back, a heat pooling low in her belly as tension built, her hands fisting in his dark hair, urging on his movements. Her underwear was ruined, practically soaked through.

 

“Fuck...fuck!”

 

_ Dry humping...who knew!? _

 

 His hand covered her mouth to try and keep her quiet, body quivering as she gripped him tightly, his strength the only thing keeping her up.

 

Still shaking, her cheeks flushed, Ben gently put her back on her feet, an arm around her waist just in case her knees gave way. He pressed the button once more, the elevator kicking to life.

 

Both began to chuckle, Rey, seeing stars and still giddy from her dry orgasm. Ben’s hair was a mess, a tangle of waves where her hands had been, his full lips flush and smug. As far as she was concerned, that was just the pre-game. She was going to be tearing his clothes off the minute they were behind closed doors.

 

The doors opened at Ben’s floor, an older woman waiting. Her eyebrow raised, disapproval clearly written in her features as Ben and Rey sauntered past.

 

“Good evening, Mrs. Malone…”

 

00000

 

So many floors up, the bustling street below could barely be heard, but the sun streaming in through the cracks in the drapes should have been enough for her to guess that the morning was definitely later than she’d have liked.

 

But she was warm and comfortable. A satisfied sigh escaped when she rolled over, barely able to move thanks to two large arms encasing her naked body. Slowly opening one eye, she found herself face to face with his bare chest, the scent of his skin soothing her into what could have been another few hours of sleep. She lazily shook her head. There was something else she had to do today. Something important.

 

It was so difficult to focus when he smelled so good.

 

Wiggling experimentally, she attempted to dislodge herself from his grip, only to find his arms tightening, mumbling something that sounded like a protest.

 

“Ben, baby...I think we need to get up,” she groaned. Every time she moved she could feel a delicious type of ache between her thighs, her stomach flipping from the assault of memories from the night before.

 

“Don’t wanna…” he muttered against her neck, planting lazy kisses on whatever skin he found, “We could just stay in bed…”

 

She giggled under her breath, the sound turning into a happy sigh when his hands began to wander, skimming her bare breasts, the pad of his finger circling her nipple. 

 

“Hmm. What time is it?” she asked, “Maybe we could spare a few minutes…”

 

Reluctantly he rolled away from her to check his phone, returning promptly to lavish attention on her.

 

“It’s 10:45,” he shrugged. 

 

His teeth had barely begun to tease her earlobe when she shrieked, jumping up from the bed.

 

“FUCK!”

 

The moment spoiled, Ben grumbled, propping himself up on his elbow to watch her frantically dash around the room.

 

“We’re meeting your Mother in 45 minutes!” Rey cried, opening the drawer she had commandeered to grab some essentials, “I’ve not showered or anything…”

 

“We could shower together?” Ben suggested with a cheeky raised eyebrow. His comment was met by Rey throwing a random item of clothing at his face.

 

“No! That never works and you know it,” She said, “Come on, up!”

 

“Sweetheart, you need to relax. Everything will be just fine,” Ben said patiently, pulling himself from the bed and stretching. 

 

“How come when I said that to you yesterday with  _ my _ parents, you didn’t believe me?” Rey shouted back, already on her way to his bathroom. 

 

He had no response for her, the sound of running water indicating that she wouldn’t have heard him anyway.

 

00000

 

Ben had promised previously that he’d have his revenge by teasing her about her fear over meeting a parent, in the same manner she had done to him, but as they approached the doors of the quaint little cafe they were going to for brunch he found he didn’t have it in him. 

 

Rey’s eyes were wide, her brows lifted with panic the closer they got.

 

“Just...what if she doesn’t like me?” Rey asked hastily, stopping outside the door. Ben held her arm gently, moving them out of the way so another couple could pass inside.

 

“First of all, I highly doubt she won’t like you. You’re an intelligent, kind, awesome human who is very easy to like,” He praised, “Also,  _ if _ that were the case...I wouldn’t care. It won’t change how I feel,”

 

“Really?” she asked, her voice sounding so small that it tugged at his heartstrings, constricting his chest. Gently he cupped her face, bending down to offer her a kiss.

 

“Really,” he confirmed, “Come on, we’ve been through this much...you think my Mom is going to stop us now?”

 

She smiled at him reluctantly, allowing him to guide her into the cafe. In the corner, an older woman lit up spotting them, waving from her seat. 

 

_ Okay...here we go… _

 

Leia certainly didn’t seem like the tough as nails senator Rey had read so much about. Leia Organa was easy to google, news articles and reports of her great deeds in government cementing her legacy in the history books. The woman they were walking towards wore a navy blue sweater, her hair in a beautiful elegant braid teamed with pearl earrings. 

 

“Hey Mom,” Ben greeted, leaning down to kiss his Mother on the cheek as she stood, “I’d like you to meet Rey Jackson,”

 

“H...hi, Mrs. Organa, it is so good to meet you,” Rey gushed shakily. Leia smiled gracefully, pulling the clearly anxious younger woman into a hug.

 

“Please, call me Leia,” she said, “It’s wonderful to meet you too, Ben spoke very highly of you. Please, sit!” she gestured to the table, Leia smiling to herself as Ben pulled Rey’s chair out for her, “Well, it’s nice to see I raised a gentleman!” she teased, Ben’s ears turning pink.

 

They were quiet as they settled around the table, the server reading them the brunch specials before Leia took it upon herself to order some drinks.

 

“We’ll have three mimosas. I’ll also have a pot of earl grey, he’ll have a coffee and...Rey, what would you like?” she asked.

 

“Black coffee, please,” Rey replied, thrilled that Leia had ordered some kind of alcohol for the table. Getting shit faced wasn’t an option, but there was nothing wrong with taking the edge off.

 

“Ben tells me you’re a journalist for a magazine? Tell me about that, Rey,” Leia prompted. Rey took a deep breath, feeling Ben’s comforting hand on her knee under the table.

 

“Well, I graduated from NYU and I pretty much started at the beginning. While I was studying I worked the mailroom then I moved into an internship. I’ve been writing my monthly column for a few years now and I maintain the weekly blog on the website, answering readers questions and stuff,”

 

“That sounds very interesting. What do you write about?” 

 

A mimosa was put in front of her and Rey fought the urge to grab at it, sipping delicately instead of chugging the drink back. A hot blush lit up her face, her nose wrinkling.

 

“I, uh, I guess you could say...relationships?” she answered awkwardly.

 

“Oh, you write about sex? Got it,” 

 

The champagne cocktail hit the back of her throat as she inhaled sharply, inelegantly coughing while Ben cast his eyes to the ceiling sighing deeply.

 

“Relax honey,” Leia laughed, “You don’t need to stand on ceremony with me!” 

 

Rey smiled, sipping more of her drink but her body began to relax as they spoke, Leia asking about how she met Poe and sharing some of her more hilarious run-ins with the man when she knew him as her son’s college roommate.

 

“Honestly, the things that boy wouldn’t do to get a girl...or a guy for that matter,” Leia chuckled, “I’ve always thought of Poe as omnisexual. He’ll try anything once!”

 

Rey laughed along, growing to like the woman more and more with every passing minute. She reminded her a lot of Jyn. Headstrong, intelligent and fierce to the people who deserved it, but the way she spoke about Ben, it was clear that she loved her son. An irrational surge of anger flared in Rey’s chest for the time Ben had wasted, but she suppressed it, knowing she didn’t have the right.

 

His issues were his own, and he was mending fences now. That was what mattered.

 

“Now what I’m really interested to know about is this project of yours that Ben mentioned!” Leia said, plates of pancakes and bacon being placed on the table, “He wasn’t very forthcoming with the details!”

 

“I just didn’t think it was my news to tell, I’m just a helper here,” Ben shrugged, dumping syrup on his food, the sound of cutlery clinking at the table.

 

“I’m really excited about it. We have our business plan all ready to go,” Rey smiled proudly, “The goal is to provide men and women with a one-stop service for all manner of sexual lifestyle. From safe sex and STI screenings to access to qualified therapists and councelling...no matter their background or financial situation. A place where they won’t be judged but can get help without having to jump through hoops or answer unnecessary questions,”

 

Leia sipped her tea thoughtfully before she spoke again.

 

“Like planned parenthood?” she asked. Rey shook her head.

 

“No, more than that. Planned Parenthood is great at what they do, maybe down the line we could work together on some matters,” Rey surmised, “But this organization will focus on a wider variety of services, offering support without the stigma,”

 

“It sounds really interesting. I’m assuming it’s linked to your writing but what made you want to start this?”

 

Rey fell quiet, pondering how best to answer the question. She could feel Ben’s eyes on her, knowing that he wasn’t going to judge her no matter how she answered. He squeezed her knee again under the table and she smiled wryly.

 

“I used to be a slut,”

 

It was Leia’s turn to choke on her beverage. Rey sat patiently waiting for her to calm.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“That is to say, before I met Ben, I had what I guess you could call a very...liberal relationship with sexuality. That’s what a lot of my writing was about, being a single woman who slept around, but with that came a lot of assumptions,” she explained, “And...then I was attacked,”

 

“Oh my God…”

 

“You don’t have to...I’m fine now,” Rey dismissed quickly, “But...once I’d dealt with it all, I wrote about it, I asked other people to share their stories and it became really obvious that not everyone has the support that I did. I have understanding people who love me...I have the resources to afford help. Not everyone has that luxury and it’s not always obvious where they can turn to for help. That’s what I want. A one-stop place where help is obvious for  _ everyone _ ,”

 

A palpable silence fell over the table, the sound of the cafe around them still echoing as Leia tilted her head, regarding her with an expression Rey couldn’t place. It wasn’t pity or disgust, there was no judgment to be found. Rey held the woman’s gaze until a smile appeared on Leia’s face.

 

“How can I help you?”

 

Rey blinked.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You heard me,” Leia confirmed, “I think this sounds like a fantastic project and I’d love to be involved...if you want me to be, that is…”

 

“Oh, yes please!” Rey insisted quickly, “I...any way you could help would be amazing!”

 

“The first thing you need to consider, most importantly, is funding,” Leia said firmly, “Now, I could technically just give you a large donation and be done with it, but that will only go so far. No, what you need is return investors. People who see this as a worthwhile cause, if there are anything politicians and socialites love, it’s a cause,” she smirked.

 

“I have a meeting booked with my boss to see if I can get the magazine on board,” Rey added and Leia nodded with satisfaction.

 

“That’s good,” she smiled, “That’s good coverage and It will look good for the magazine in turn. What we need is to host some kind of fundraiser, a debut night for the cause if you will...you can really tell people your vision for what you want to achieve, which will hopefully prompt those who can to help,”

 

Ben sat back silently sipping away at his coffee, watching his mother and his girlfriend speak. Rey’s eyes were ablaze with passion, her whole body animated as she bounced ideas across the table with Leia. He felt strangely lightheaded as if he was having an out of body experience, watching a life that shouldn’t have belonged to him.

 

But it did and the whole thing compounded the realization that the past was the past. Events that only remained relevant if you held onto them tightly enough and in his experience, clinging to the past, his own or other people’s, had brought him nothing but hardship. 

 

The future was sitting with him at the table.

 

00000

 

Mimosa glasses dry and brunch finished, they had finally said their goodbyes, Leia arranging with Rey that she would call soon after making some arrangements. Hand in hand, they began wandering the New York streets, a giddy smile on Rey’s face.

 

“Your Mom is so cool!” Rey gushed, bouncing on her feet as they walked together, “I can’t believe she’s going to help me just like that!”

 

“I can,” Ben smiled, “I told you, it’s an amazing idea and you are an amazing person. Of course, she’d want to be involved,”

 

“Are you sure it’s not because I’m sleeping with her son?” Rey teased, earning a pinch to her side that made her yelp with laughter.

 

“I can promise you it’s not that!” Ben drawled, “If she didn’t like you, it wouldn’t matter if you were my girlfriend or not. In case you hadn’t noticed, Leia Organa is hardly subtle,”

 

“I did notice,” Rey smiled happily, “So, we still have all day, what do you want to do now?”

 

“Well if I’m staying at your place, I’m going to have to go back to my apartment and pick up a few things,” he sighed, “Some clean clothes wouldn’t go amiss,”

 

“I thought you already had things at my place?” Rey pouted. Ben shook his head with a grimace.

 

“ _ Clean _ clothes,” he pointed out, “And I need to pick up my other flash drive for work,”

 

“I wish you didn’t live across town,” Rey groaned, “It takes up so much time, traveling between the two apartments,”

 

“You know, I’ve been thinking...and I know you like your own space so no pressure,” he said carefully, “But...what if we lived together?”

 

Rey stopped walking suddenly, staring at him in shock, completely oblivious to the irritated strangers who had almost walked into them on the busy sidewalk.

 

“Live together? As in...you and me?”

 

“No, me and Poe,” he smiled sarcastically, “Yeah, you and me,” he walked back towards her, taking her hand, “I love being with you, I love being around you…I hate being away from you, and since...we’ve never really spent a night apart,”

 

“We’ve only been together a few months,” Rey said uncertainly.

 

“I know...I know it might be soon, and that we were going to be taking things slowly but, I love you and...I know you like your space, you don’t have to answer just yet, but, maybe something to think about?” he compromised. 

 

Rey looked down at his hand holding hers.

 

“I’d have to move out of my Brooklyn place,” she muttered, “I only rent mine. You own yours so...it wouldn’t make sense…”

 

“Again, there’s no rush,” he insisted, “It was just a thought…”

 

Rey took a deep breath, looking up at his face, his beseeching eyes dark and comforting as always. Theirs was a relationship made up of firsts, of facing the unknown but they had done it together. She thought of her apartment, her space that she’d considered sacred, safe, and she realized the only man she’d ever let there was Ben. 

 

Anywhere he was, that was where she wanted to be.

 

_ *New Entry!* Golden Rule number 78: A home isn’t always a building _

 

A space was just space. It was only four walls to keep possessions. He’d somehow become more of a home than her apartment ever had been. It wasn’t something she’d seen coming.

 

“I mean, we’d have to draw up some kind of legal protection for me,” Rey said quietly, “I don’t want to be a pessimist, but...you’re a lawyer, that’s the smart thing to do right? Since you own the place?”

 

A slow smile spread over Ben’s face.

 

“We can do that,” 


	26. Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And I will find my strength to un-tape my mouth_  
>  When I used to be afraid of the words  
> But with you I've learned just to let it out  
> Now my heart is ready to burst  
> Cause I, I feel like I'm ready for love  
> And I wanna be your everything and more  
> And I know every day you say it  
> But I just want you to be sure  
> That I'm yours 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. This is the final chapter of my story. There will be an epilogue to look forward to however but if you don't get around to reading it, this is our dorks ending.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented with their theories and thoughts on the plot and characters. This was so much fun to write and really thought provoking. I wanted to write something with more drama, more realism and tension exploring that real relationships and people are not always easy. I hope I achieved that.
> 
> Thank you so much to the wondering SweetKyloRen and LoveOfEscapism as well who have been alpha reading this story and encouraging me to post even the most difficult chapters!

“You’re looking very well today, Rey. Can I offer you a cup of something before we begin?”

 

“Tea, please,” Rey smiled, settling herself into Dr. Ahsoka’s comfortable couch. 

 

Moments later, the doctor handed her a steaming mug, taking a seat across from her.

 

“I understand things have been very busy for you, but I’m very pleased you’ve been able to keep up your weekly appointments,” the doctor praised, “How have things been this week?”

 

“Honestly? Uh, not too great,” she confessed quietly, blowing on her tea.

 

Dr. Ahsoka watched her intently, how her voice lowered but her body language was still relaxed. That was a good thing.

 

“How so?”

 

“A lot has been happening. A lot of...changes and I don’t think I’m dealing with them as well as I thought I was,”

 

“Have you been having any panic attacks?” She asked. Rey shook her head, sipping her drink.

 

“No, they’ve been fine,” she confirmed, “I mean...I’ve been snapping a lot with people and I don’t mean to. It’s...it’s like I’m having an out of body experience, and I’m looking down on myself as I’m doing it and I’m trying to shout ‘stop it you’re being a bitch!’, but I...I can’t help it,” Rey whined, shoving her hair out of her face with frustration.

 

“Well, the fact that you realize you’re doing this is a  _ good _ thing, Rey. It means you’re more likely to be able to address the root cause of these erratic moods,” she smiled, “Let’s break it down. What has been happening? How have things been at work?”

 

“Great!” Rey said honestly, “but, busy as hell. I’m still working at the magazine and they agreed to be an official sponsor and supporter of my organization. I’ve been working around the clock to pull together this fundraiser. It’s all falling into place but...it’s a lot,”

 

Dr. Ahsoka nodded with understanding.

 

“Obviously this being very important to you will be adding stress, even if you don’t realize it, and stress shows itself in different ways in people,” she said calmly, “It doesn’t surprise me that, for you, it might be causing you to be irritable with others. How are things with Ben?”

 

Rey wrinkled her nose, wincing as she gulped her cooling tea.

 

“Things are...good,” she answered eventually, “I feel awful because I’ve probably been snapping at Ben the most. We had our first real fight this morning,”

 

“We normally do take our moods out on those closest to us. What was the fight about?”

 

“It was stupid,” Rey muttered, “I can't even really remember how it all started. I was just so...prickly,”

 

“You feel that  _ you  _ were the unreasonable one?”

 

“I do and he doesn’t deserve it! He’s amazing, we’re moving in together this week,” Rey stressed. A knowing smile fell over Doctor Ahsoka’s face.

 

“Are you happy about that?”

 

“Yes! Honestly, I am but...it’s scary,” she admitted, “My apartment was my...my...bat cave, my fortress of solitude! It was my safe space and the idea of not having that anymore is really scary!”

 

“I notice you keep saying ‘was’,” Dr. Ahsoka pointed out, “Which says to me that your mindset is ready, you’re just waiting to take that final step...what do you think is holding you back?”

 

Rey day thoughtfully, swirling her mug as she stared ahead at the coffee table but she saw nothing, her internal turmoil evident in the frown on her face.

 

“This is the biggest step I’ve ever taken with a guy...I feel like I’m leaving behind the life I used to have,” she confessed quietly, blinking rapidly to push back a familiar sting in her eyes, sniffing.

 

“Is that a bad thing?”

 

Rey opened her mouth to reply but no words came, her mouth snapping closed and silence reigned again. Hastily she wiped her face. Dr. Ahsoka sat patiently back, giving her the space to process the question.

 

Was it a bad thing? When she really thought about it, what was there that she actually missed? Stumbling in at 5 am to an empty home held no appeal to her anymore. Since she’d accepted her feelings for him, she hadn’t missed the so-called thrill of the chase, hunting down nameless men for a passionless tryst.

 

He made her feel safe, wanted, and that was something she wasn’t afraid of anymore.

 

“No, it’s not,”

 

“Rey, what you are going through and feeling is perfectly normal. This is another huge step for you, one you should be proud of taking!” Dr. Ahsoka said, “Lay it all out. Right now you are moving into the next phase of your relationship with Ben, you’re putting together a very large event to launch a charity and you’re still writing. I would say these mood swings are simply indicative of the stress you’re under,”

 

Rey nodded. Really she could have guessed all of this herself but sometimes it took another person pointing out the obvious for her to believe it. Nobody did that better than her therapist.

 

“Now, this isn’t permission so to speak to continue to take it out on others. I think that it’s important you take some time for yourself,” Dr. Ahsoka advised, “You and Ben have been doing so well being open and honest. Keep that going! Tell him how you’re feeling because I promise, he probably feels the same!”

 

Rey swallowed the last of her now cool tea, guilt gnawing at her gut. Really, when she thought about it, he probably was just as scared as her, even if he’d been brave enough to ask in the first place. They were navigating the relationship together, and she suddenly felt ashamed of how selfish she’d been.

 

Thanking Dr. Ahsoka, their time came to an end and she confirmed her appointment time for the following week. Leaving the office, Rey knew what she had to do.

 

A short walk later, she found herself in Central Park, making a determined path towards her favorite spot. As always, Ben was already there with a coffee in his hand and a patient smile on his face.

 

“Hey,” he greeted, “Good session?”

 

“Um, yeah...it was actually,” Rey said, sitting down next to him, “Look, I owe you an apology...and not just for this morning. I have been biting your head off for weeks now and you don’t deserve that, you’ve not done anything wrong! I’m so sorry, Ben,”

 

Ben sighed, offering her a small smile as he lifted his arm to her, Rey taking it as a good sign and nestling herself in at his side.

 

“Listen, I know that a lot is going on right now and I’m sorry that I yelled back at you, that wasn’t okay,” he relented, “but sweetheart, when I asked if you needed me to help you…”

 

_ Oh, THAT’S how it got started… _

 

“...I wasn’t implying that you can’t do it,” he continued gently, “I was trying to make you realize you don’t need to do it all on your own. That’s part of this whole relationship thing. We’re a team,”

 

“I know. You’re right, it’s just...sometimes I still feel like it’s me against the world, you know?” She confessed, “I forget that I’m not on my own,”

 

She closed her eyes, feeling his lips brush her temple as he pulled her closer.

 

“I get it,” he agreed, “I do, I just want you to tell me if you’re feeling that way. Bottling up things isn’t going to do any good. It’s literally why we both go to therapy,” he chuckled.

 

“I think this whole moving thing has really thrown me too…” she said quietly, feeling his body tense next to her. After a few anxious breaths, he responded.

 

“Talk to me,”

 

“I feel like moving out I’m waving goodbye to my old life...for good, and I want to! I want to move in with you and have a life with you, but it’s so...fucking scary!” She rambled, sitting up to look him in the face, “Because what if it doesn’t work out? I don’t just mean all the legal stuff...what if I lose you? What if we lose this whole thing and I end up back at square one, alone an-“

 

His lips were warm and tasted of sweet coffee, swooping down to capture her mouth, effectively cutting off her panicked babbling. Heartbeat slowing to a steady pace, she softened in his grasp, her body melting against his as he kissed her worries away.

 

“Do you want to know a secret?” He whispered dramatically, his large hand cupping her cheek as he smiled. Rey nodded, “I’m scared too,”

 

“You’re not just saying that?”

 

“This is a first for me as well, sweetheart. I am straight up crawling in the dark here,” he smirked, “We’re in this together. Promise me that you’ll tell me when you feel this way?”

 

“I will,” Rey agreed, “I’m sorry again, I shouldn’t be taking everything out on you,” 

 

“Don’t worry about it,” he smiled, feeling her cuddle into his side, watching birds land on the water nearby, “All ready for Saturday night?”

 

“I think it’s as good as it’s going to be. Your Mom has been incredible, I really don’t know how I’d have done it without her,”

 

“She’s a force of nature, for sure,” Ben nodded. 

 

Over the weeks since they had reconnected, Ben felt like he’d spoken to his mother more than he ever had growing up. It was a strange adjustment, one he was still getting used to, but seeing her connect with Rey over a common cause they were passionate about was uplifting. 

 

“I can’t believe it’s really happening,” Rey awed, shaking her head, “I’m kinda proud of myself,” she smiled.

 

“Good. You should be. For what it's worth, I’m proud of you too,”  

 

Rey grinned up at him, basking in the calm of the park.

 

“It’s worth everything,”

 

00000

 

“Okay, so this is the final draft of the contract with the amendments you’ve both agreed on. It lays out what will happen and what you’re both entitled to in various circumstances,” Poe said, handing Rey the contract as they stood in the apartment living room.

 

She took the papers from him, scanning the words carefully.

 

“You don’t think this is too pessimistic?” She asked, her face scrunching. 

 

“Oh fuck no!” Poe exclaimed, “In today’s day and age, as a lawyer, I think it’s smart as hell. There is nothing wrong with  _ both  _ of you having some protection,”

 

“You’re right,” she nodded, “I know you’re right. We’ll sign together when they’re finished,”

 

“And you know, we’d be finished a lot faster if you two would help!” Finn groaned, appearing in the doorway with two large boxes. Hot on his heels was a corgi, bouncing around his feet until it trotted up to Poe, tail wagging and tongue lolling happily.

 

“We had some important legal matters to discuss!” Poe shrugged before he turned his attention to the dog, “Hey buddy! Are you being a helpful boy? Yes, you are, oh, yes you are!” He cooed, bending down to shower the animal with love and praise. 

 

“I can’t believe you actually went and got a dog,” Rey smirked, “Eternal bachelor...now comes with a corgi,”

 

“Hey, B.B. is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” Poe cried. B.B. flopped onto his back, Poe rubbing his furry belly, “I mean, look at him! He is the cutest, and let me tell you, the girls at the park think so too!”

 

“I’m glad this living, loving, creature is helping you get laid,” 

 

“And I’m glad you two are still just standing there while there are still things down in the van!” Finn snapped, tapping his foot impatiently. 

 

Behind him, Rose appeared her arms full.

 

“Finn, what are you standing around for? Come on, there are a few more bags to grab!”

 

“Me?! But I...they…” He stammered eventually rolling his eyes, “Yes, dear,” he relented, walking past and back out the door. Rose winked at her friends.

 

“He is so easy to wind up!” She laughed, “Actually, there isn’t much left. Only a bag or two and you’re done! Did you hand the keys back to your old place?”

 

“I did,” Rey nodded, a bittersweet smile on her face, “I no longer live in Brooklyn,”

 

“No girl, you traded  _ up _ !” Rose exclaimed, “This place is awesome,” 

 

“I know, I built half the furniture in here,” Rey smirked, her mind casting back to the first evening she had spent here, and Ben’s awkward apology.

 

Who would have thought so many months later, this is where they’d have ended up?

 

“Well, I’m happy for you guys!” Poe grinned, “You are welcome!”

 

“For what?”

 

“Uh, introducing you two?!” He said obviously, “I am the common link that brought you two together!”

 

Rey blinked at him silently, the realization sinking in that he was in a twisted way, correct.

 

“I’ll be damned,” Rey wondered, “Dingus here might be right…”

 

“Don’t say that out loud,” Rose groaned, “We’ll never hear the end of it!”

 

It was too late, Poe was already basking in his triumph, holding his arms out as B.B. jumped excitedly around his legs.

 

“Just call me Cupid! I will remain eternally single so that others may blossom!”

 

From the doorway, Ben and Finn emerged, their arms full with the last of her belongings. A quizzical eyebrow raised, Ben put down his load, staring at his ridiculous friend.

 

“Why is Poe going all ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ in our apartment?” He asked, wandering over to Rey and draping his arm around her. She leaned into him happily.

 

“Oh, he’s just taking all the credit for our relationship. Decided that he’s the messiah of love,”

 

“Right, casual blasphemy...the usual,” Ben drawled, “Put your arms down, you dork!”

 

“Thank God, they were starting to hurt,” Poe whined, “Now that you’re here, you can both sign these papers. Make it all official,”

 

Rey wandered to the table, putting down the contract and taking the pen that Poe offered. Behind her, Ben approached, leaning over her back to look down at the papers.

 

“Ready to do this?” He asked, “Make it all official?”

 

“I am,” she smiled, signing on the papers where Poe had indicated with little crosses, “I really am,”

 

“Me too,” he smiled, pressing a quick kiss to the back of her neck as she signed her name for the final time.

 

Ben took the pen from her, his signature next to her own.

 

00000

 

For the first time in what felt like so long, everything was quiet.

 

There was the distant echo of Ben’s voice on the phone as he spoke in the living room, the hum of traffic below but nothing that demanded her immediate attention. The past few weeks had been relentless. Building up her organization, packing her things for the move as well as keeping up her role at the magazine had stretched her thin with people constantly asking her questions.

 

She smoothed down her jade green silk dress, ensuring the bustier top was secure, the slit of the flowing skirt in the correct place. Her hair was gathered in an elegant chignon at the nape of her neck, a delicate diamond necklace on loan from Leia setting off her outfit perfectly.

 

Nerves churned her stomach but she still smiled at her reflection. It was a far cry from the party girl, the ‘man-eater’ who dressed purely for seduction. She found that she looked poised, elegant and for once her inner thoughts matched her controlled exterior. 

 

When she told herself she was happy, she meant it. She’d faced parts of her personality, her fears that had been holding her back and while she still occasionally had doubts, there was a comfort in knowing that she had a healthier outlet than drinking and sex.

 

She still believed that women were entitled to sexual freedom, to live life the way they wanted to without the stigma and judgment that came with it but knowing when it was a choice was the key.

 

It was a slow transformation for her between a choice and a coping mechanism, the realization only hitting her when Ben had waltzed into her life, forcing her to accept that those rules of hers were not universal for everyone and that feelings couldn’t be controlled.

 

If anyone had told her that she’d have started her own non-profit organization having moved into an Upper East Side apartment with a man she was in a committed relationship with, she’d have thrown back a shot of tequila then laughed in their face.

 

_ God bless therapy... _

 

She pressed her lips together, checking her lipstick one more time with a satisfied smile. The door to the bedroom opened, Ben walked in, his tuxedo already on. 

 

“You look...wow,” he breathed, his eyes shamelessly wandering her body.

 

“Really?”

 

“You are a vision and I can’t wait to take that dress off you later,” he grinned, “The car is a few minutes away. You ready?”

 

“I think so,” she nodded shakily, “I don’t think there’s anything else I can possibly do except turn up…make my speech...oh my God, my speech. Ben, what if I fuck it up?!” She groaned, burying her face in her hands.

 

Gently he grasped her wrists, pulling her hands away from her immaculately made-up face.

 

“You won’t,” he said firmly, “I know that you won’t. You care about this, just speak from the heart,”

 

“I can do that,” 

 

00000

 

The car journey to The Plaza hotel was not a long one, but Rey felt every minute tick by. Leia has used her considerable pull to secure one of the smaller ballrooms, explaining that by hosting the event at a grand location, they were more likely to attract larger investors.

 

Really, Rey owed most of the night to Ben’s Mother. Though it was her idea and very much her project, she’d have barely got her foot in the doors that Leia had managed to kick open. 

 

Walking into the hotel with Ben on her arm, both dressed to the nines felt like a strange dream, but when Leia met them at the entrance to the function room, a calm washed over her.

 

“Everything ready?” Rey asked anxiously. 

 

“Everything is in place. Guests are going to be arriving in the next half hour and it’s all under control,” Leia smiled, “You look stunning!”

 

“Thanks,” Rey replied, smoothing her skirts self-consciously, “I was worried it was a little too much,”

 

“For a black tie event at The Plaza? No such thing,” Leia grinned, “Go, both of you, go and get a drink before this all kicks off! It might be the only chance you get for some peace,”

 

Leia hadn’t been wrong.

 

The moment guests began to arrive Rey felt trapped in a merry-go-round of networking, being introduced to politicians Leia knew, journalists and philanthropists from all over, each wanting to discuss her cause. 

 

“It’s something very personal to me that I feel will fill a need in our community,” 

 

It was the same statement over and over, occasionally tweaked and changed depending on who she was talking to but the sentiment remained the same. Everything else she promised to elaborate on during her speech.

 

All the while Ben watched on proudly from the sidelines, mingling and occasionally chatting to people but only ever a sleeve grab away if she needed him. When she seemed weary, he was next to her in an instant.

 

“Drink?” he asked, appearing at her side when she was finally alone for longer than a minute. She smiled gratefully, accepting a glass of champagne from him.

 

“How do you think it’s going?” she asked, “Do you think people are having a good time?”

 

“Sweetheart, it’s amazing. The silent auction is making a killing for your cause, you’re presenting yourself as informed but really approachable and I know you’re speech is going to be amazing,” he smiled, “You can relax for five minutes,”

 

His words were short lived.

 

“Rey!” 

 

The familiar voice caused them both to turn, Jessika and Kaydel standing there with happy smiles on their faces and a drink in their hand. 

 

“Oh, hey guys!” Rey greeted, “You made it!”

 

“We just wanted to say congratulations on tonight, everything has come together beautifully,” Kaydel gushed, raising her glass. 

 

“Thanks for inviting us,” Jessika added, less confident than Kaydel for one very obvious reason.

 

Her eyes looked to Ben, the man standing uncomfortably next to his far more relaxed girlfriend. While Rey had spoken to Jessika and cleared the air, Ben had not, his anger at how Rey had been treated far more of a slow burn than hers.

 

“Hey, um, can I talk to you?” she asked timidly.

 

Ben took a long slow sip of his drink as he weighed the options, feeling Rey nudge him in his side hard.

 

“Yeah, let’s go and talk,” he relented, rubbing his ribs through his Armani suit.

 

He followed her out to the lobby, finding an area that wasn’t as saturated with people. Standing in front of him, Jessika had her arms folded around herself defensively, her eyes wide and unsure. Suddenly he felt a twinge of sympathy for her, his face softening.

 

“I just...I never had a chance to speak to you properly after the awards dinner and calling never seemed right. Not that you would have answered,” She sighed, “I just wanted to say to you, in person, that I’m really sorry for what happened and how I acted. I wasn’t myself,”

 

Ben regarded her silently, giving himself the time to really decide how he actually felt now so much time had passed. His body softened, offering a relenting sigh.

 

“Thank you,” he finally replied, “I’m sorry for shouting at you...and I’m sorry for how I dealt with all of it, I really do wish I’d just been honest from our first date,”

 

“It’s done now,” She shrugged, “I’m really happy for you guys. You’re both great together,”

 

“Thanks,” he replied bashfully, “Are you, uh, seeing anyone?”

 

“Actually, I am,” Jessika blushed, “His name is Snap...he’s really nice. It’s going pretty well. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks so I’m hardly planning a wedding just yet...I’ve learned my lesson,” she winked, Ben chuckling somewhat awkwardly.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you could please take your seats for dinner,” the host announced, groups of people slowly moving their way back into the function room as Ben bid goodbye to Jessika to find his way to Rey’s side at the front.

 

“Everything good?” Rey asked as he sat down.

 

“Everything is great,”

 

00000

 

Dinner was beautiful.

 

At least it certainly looked beautiful. Rey had barely eaten anything from the three courses, her nerves setting in and paralyzing her stomach, making the idea of food impossible. Instead, she sipped her water demurely, occasionally joining in the polite conversation around her table where she was placed between Ben, Leia and her parents.

 

When the plates had been cleared and Leia took to the podium, Rey could feel her whole body hold itself back from shaking.

 

“I’d like to thank all of you for joining us tonight,” Leia began, addressing the quiet room, “I’m here to introduce to you a young woman who has done more for me personally than I can ever really thank her for. Her vision for the future is exciting, refreshing and one that I believe she can help deliver. Here I present to you, the founder of Hope Services, Rey Jackson,”

 

The polite applause was nothing in comparison to her own heartbeat thundering in her ears. Ben stood as she did, offering her a kiss before she took to the stage. It was a small comfort. Every step she took felt heavy, the lights on the stage hot on her skin. Leia leaned forward to give her a hug.

 

“Just be yourself, kid. You’ve got this,”

 

_ Golden rule infinite: You can do this _

 

She approached the podium, the autocue ready to roll her carefully prepared speech that she’d spent so long painstakingly obsessing over. Now that she was there, those words felt wrong to her. Too perfect, to pristine.

 

What did Ben tell her?

 

_ Speak from the heart… _

 

“Good evening, I’m Rey Jackson and for those of you who don’t know me, I’m a writer for Rebel Girl magazine,” She began, taking a deep steadying breath, “And before I continue, I’d like to thank my editor, Amilyn Holdo for... _ so _ much, but tonight, for allowing Rebel Girl to be part of this event,”

 

At her table, Amilyn smiled widely, raising her glass to the polite smattering of applause.

 

“So, some of you are probably wondering why the hell some column writer would want to start a non-profit, or what even makes me qualified. Anyone who has read my articles or knows me and my story could tell you why…”

 

Scanning the room she could pick out the faces of her close friends, Rose, Finn, and Poe all sitting at a table with Jessika and Kaydel. Her other work colleagues and bosses next to Amilyn smiling on at her encouragingly. Near the front, Ben sat with her parents, urging her to go on.

 

Rey took another deep breath.

 

“I’m a slut,”

 

An uncomfortable ripple of laughter spread throughout the room. Only those who knew her well were genuinely laughing, others following suit, unsure how they were supposed to react. Rey grinned.

 

“That discomfort you’re all feeling now? That weird gut clenching embarrassment you’ve got? That’s what I expected and...I guess it’s a natural reaction to hearing a woman call herself that. We hear the word slut and we have images of women in revealing clothing, making faces and sounds only fit for pornhub. You don’t imagine someone like me with a good job, standing here in an evening gown. We take that word, those images and we turn it into a black mark that is then unfairly put on women just wanting to live life the way they choose to,”

 

Slowly, the faces around the room began to shift from uncomfortable and horrified, to thoughtful, her words penetrating their initial reaction.

 

“Before I was in a relationship, I was one of those women. I thought nothing more of defying society's expectations and I dared anyone to say something against my choices, but...I now realize I was only representing a portion of the female experience, not all of it,”

 

She paused, clearing her throat and clinging to the podium to give her anxious hands something to do. Her lip trembled, pressure building behind her eyes and in her chest, but she wouldn’t cry. Her truth needed to be told and she wanted to tell it with the power in her own hands.

 

“On a night out, I was sexually assaulted by a guy I’d met in a bar, the same way I had met so many others. The details don’t really matter...what matters is that I withdrew consent, and he didn’t want to take no for an answer. Now, I was lucky...I managed to get away before it went further than it did. I asked other women to share their stories, and they did...thousands of you, some of you are here tonight,”

 

She gestured to the audience, women dotted around smiling proudly as they wiped their eyes.

 

“I had help. I had a support system in my friends and family, even my work. A common factor that came from all of these stories was how alone some people felt, how resources were so hard to come by at a time when you need them the most. Believe me when I say, your head is in no fit state to search google for hours!”

 

The women who understood her nodded, their knowing eye contact helping bolster her resolve. They knew all too well how overwhelming it was, the vortex of emotions you had to fight through just to make sense of the next steps.

 

“I wasn’t alone and neither are any of you. That is what Hope Services is about,” she said firmly, “A one-stop place for women to be able to receive support in  _ all _ aspects of life, from sexual health and lifestyle to trauma and therapy. No matter their background or financial situation. We don’t judge, we don’t lecture and we don’t charge,”

 

Rey pulled herself taller, believing her words, driven by the encouragement of the people around her while Ben smiled proudly. From the corner of her eye, she could see her parents crying, Leia nodding her encouragement. 

 

“Your help and support is so important. Without the people in my life, I don’t know how I would have truly handled what happened to me, and my story pales in comparison to the heartbreak that I read,” She declared passionately, “I’m here to use my voice, and I want you to use yours too. We are the fire that will light the spark of hope for women across America, starting with New York. Thank you,”

 

The applause was her signal to finally breathe, the muscles in her shoulders relaxed as her eyes stung, giving in to the tears she’d held back. Ben was the first to stand, clapping enthusiastically with a veil of moisture in his own eyes. Her parents followed along with Leia, then her friends and the women she was fearlessly trying to represent until the whole room stood to attention, giving her more praise than she felt she deserved.

 

Hastily wiping her eyes to save her painstakingly applied makeup, Rey took another deep breath to steady herself. The introduction might have been done but the evening was far from over.

 

“And now, I’d like to invite the editor-in-chief of Rebel Girl magazine, and my wonderful boss, Amilyn Holdo to the stage to announce the winners of our silent auction!” Rey smiled, Amilyn joining her on the stage, her elegant plum colored dress sparkling as she did, to take up her place at the podium and allow Rey to return to her seat.

 

The moment she sat back at her table, Ben had his arm around her from behind, kissing her on the cheek.

 

“I am so fucking proud of you, I think I might explode!”

 

Her smile was incandescent, glowing as she leaned back against him. Listening to Amilyn read out the winners of the auction, sitting at the table with her family, her friends nearby and in the arms of the man she loved, Rey felt the final pieces of her puzzle slide into place.

 

00000

 

She supposed they deserved the strange looks people were shooting them. It wasn’t every day people dressed in designer evening wear stopped off into a diner at 3 am, but here they were, looking like a couple who had just ditched their prom.

 

Sliding into the booth, smoothing her skirts, Rey felt an overwhelming wave of nostalgia. She smiled, biting her lip as she scanned the menu.

 

“What are you thinking?” Ben asked, putting the menu back on the table knowing full well they were both ordering chocolate chip pancakes and a side of bacon each. Rey followed suit.

 

“I’m just thinking about how we got here,” Rey said, “You know from where we started. This is the same place we ended up after our...not-date. Did you pick this diner on purpose?”

 

“Maybe,” he shrugged, “Either I hold it near and dear to my heart...or they do the best pancakes in town. I’ll let you decide which,”

 

“I suppose that night  _ could _ have been classed as a date,” she relented. 

 

“You were  _ so _ adamant that it wasn’t,” he reminisced, “You wouldn’t even let me buy you a drink,”

 

“Oh, how times have changed. You can pay for all my drinks from now on,” she winked, “Save my purse from taking a hit!”

 

“Happily,” he smiled softly.

 

The waitress appeared, Ben ordering for both of them.

 

“You remembered my order too,”

 

“I remember everything about that night,” he said plainly. Rey shook her head, her face skeptical.

 

“You can’t remember  _ everything _ about that night!” she scoffed. Ben nodded.

 

“I do. I remember what you wore, how you laughed, what you ordered at the bar, at the diner, all of it,” he insisted fondly, “Because I think that’s the night I fell in love with you,”

 

Rey blushed furiously, wishing she still had the menu to hide behind, instead, using her hands as a poor substitute. 

 

“Wanna know a badly kept secret?” she asked, Ben nodding in reply, “Ditto,”

 

Ben chuckled, shaking his head incredulously.

 

“And it still took us all that time to get our fucking act together,” He drawled, his hand playing idly with hers across the table, “You know, for two smart people...we’re kinda dumb,”

 

“Yeah...but at least we’re dumb together now,”

 

The waitress reappeared, her arms were laden with plates, putting the food down on their table. 

 

Laughing together in a diner at 3 am, Rey and Ben saw nothing but each other. 

 

_ The Final Golden Rule: Rules are made to be broken _


	27. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who read this story, who took the time to comment with their thoughts and theories. It was really interesting seeing how people saw each of the characters actions!
> 
> I've loved writing this. It gave me a brief boost in my feelings towards the fandom and although studying and traveling has meant I've not been able to respond to everyone, I appreciate all of you!

**_Two years later_ **

 

“Oh. My. God. Finn, get in here!” 

 

Rose stood in the kitchen of the home she shared with her husband, a photo postcard in her hand along with the rest of their mail.

 

“What? Is he kicking again?!” Finn cried, rushing to her side, his hands immediately cradling her protruding stomach. 

 

Rose shook her head, waving the postcard around. Curiously, Finn took it from her, reading the message.

 

_ Surprise! We took a detour to Vegas. See you when we get back, _

 

_ Mr. and Mrs. Solo x _

 

Turning the card over, there was a collage of pictures. Rey in a pretty white sundress, Ben in black dress pants and a casual white button-down, the pair grinning together as they stood in front of caesar's palace fountain and kissing at the entrance to the little white chapel.

 

“Well, I’ll be damned. They did it, they eloped!”

 

“I can’t believe they didn’t tell any of us!” Rose cried indignantly, “Rey didn’t even hint that he’d asked her. We should have been there,”

 

“Baby, this is how they wanted to get married,” Finn said patiently, “Honestly, did you really see Rey and Ben being the huge white wedding couple?”

 

“Well...no,” she relented with a fond smile, “I’m so happy for them...that crafty bitch!”

 

**_Two weeks earlier_ **

 

“Are you all prepared for your trip?” Rose asked down the phone.

 

Rey was sitting in her office at Rebel Girl magazine, only a few doors down from Amilyn’s. It wasn’t quite the beautiful corner office she coveted from her boss, but her promotion to features editor had come with its perks. A private office being one of them. 

 

“Almost. I had the Hope board meeting yesterday. Everything is running like clockwork, the drop-in center is going great. I’m really pleased with the progress,”

 

Since the launch of Hope Services, Rey had been busier than ever and had never been so grateful for Leia being a member of the board.

 

It had begun small, offering exactly what she had promised, a one-stop place for women to find help. She made sure the funding was carefully allocated, going towards the renovation of the building she had originally found in Brooklyn when her idea was still in its infancy. On the very day of the organizations first anniversary, Rey’s dream had been realized and the ribbon to the Hope Centre for Women was cut.

 

“When do you leave again?”

 

“Ben is picking me up any minute now and we’re going straight to the airport,” Rey smiled, listening to Rose groan down the phone. 

 

“I’m so jealous!” She whined, “I’m dying for a vacation…or I’d just settle for being able to see my own feet,”

 

“It will all be worth it when he’s born. You know that,” Rey said gently.

 

“I know. Bring me back something from Hawaii and know that I am completely jealous,” 

 

“Will do!” Rey chirped happily, “Don’t you have that baby until we get back!”

She hung up the phone and checked the time, jumping when she realised that it was no exaggeration and that Ben was literally going to be arriving to meet her at any moment. Quickly, she set her out of office message, redirecting anyone who wanted her attention. Normally she would still allow herself to be on-call for certain people, but this time she wanted zero interruptions.

 

A knock at her office door echoed, Ben, letting himself in shortly after dressed casually in his dark jeans, white tee, and leather bomber jacket.

 

“All ready to go?” he asked, his hands finding her waist as she approached for a sweet kiss.

 

“Ready. Everything is all set, just had to get Rose off the phone,”

 

“Do you think she knows?” he asked. Rey shook her head.

 

“Nope, or at least if she suspects she hasn’t said anything to me,” 

 

Ben beamed down at her, holding her close to him.

 

“Ready to do this?” he asked. Rey smiled back at him, snaking her arms around his neck.

 

“Come on Solo, make an honest woman out of me!”

 

00000

 

“We are gathered here today at The Little White Chapel to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…”

 

Rey had never pictured herself getting married.

 

She was never the type to hypothetically plan her perfect day, nor did she squeal at the sight of diamond rings. The idea Rey getting married had always been some kind of a hilarious joke among her social circle.

 

So the fact she hadn’t immediately recoiled in horror when Ben had floated the idea to her was surprising. It had been an evening like any other, both curled up together on the sofa after a long day.

 

“What do you think about getting married?” He’d asked, the question as casual as asking what she thought about the evening news.

 

They’d discussed it, Ben giving her the time she needed to really determine if it was right for her while assuring that if she said no to the idea, it wasn’t going to change his mind about their relationship. 

 

When she came to the conclusion that it was something she really did want for them, they both agreed the trouble of a huge white wedding just wasn’t in their nature. It wasn’t a performance for others, but a declaration for them only.

 

So together, in Las Vegas Nevada, Ben and Rey stood together hand in hand in front of an officiant dressed as Elvis.

 

“I believe the couple both have their own vows,” Elvis continued, “Ben, would you please go first?”

 

Ben took a deep breath, suddenly nervous even with only Rey and two random witnesses there. She wore a simple white sundress teamed with flip flops, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders. 

 

“I wasn’t sure what I ever expected in a relationship. A connection was something I found...difficult,” he said honestly, “With you, everything is easy. You challenge me every day to think differently, you’re braver than I could ever be and I wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest man alive because out of everyone you could choose...you chose me,”

 

He’d always been better at open honesty than she was. Ben had an uncanny ability to render her speechless with little more than a sideways smile and a genuine compliment. There were some days she still had to remind herself that it was okay to open up to him, that he wasn’t going to judge.

 

She took in a deep breath, steadying her nerves.

 

“Everyone had an idea of who I was. They took me at face value and  _ you _ did the same thing,” she smiled wryly, “and I don't blame you because what surprised me was how you wanted to learn more about the person behind the stories, and that’s how I knew you might be different...even if I didn’t realize it right away,” 

 

She laughed along with him, a choked watery sound as she sniffed back the tears he mirrored.

 

“I didn’t know that I was breaking. You didn’t put me back together, but you held my bad while I learned to do it myself. Your hand will always be the one I want to reach for,”

 

Elvis hastily wiped his eyes under his comical sunglasses before he continued, his fake sideburns peeling.

 

“Do you, Rey, take Ben to be your lawful wedded husband?”

 

“I do,”

 

“And do you, Ben, take Rey to be your lawful wedded wife?”

 

“I do,”

 

“Then by the power invested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife...you may kiss the bride!”

 

Still in a euphoric daze, she found herself almost literally swept off her feet, barely catching herself around his neck as he kissed her, his arms holding her firmly by the waist. 

 

Smiling against his lips, grinning at him happily as they separated for breath, he held her close as Elvis mentioned something about coupons for an all you can eat wedding brunch at a local casino.

 

Ben turned to his wife, amusement and mischief in his adoring smile.

 

“Well, Mrs. Solo, what do you say to pancakes?” He asked, walking hand in hand down the tacky aisle.

 

“It’s a date,”

 

Together, newly married, they headed towards the Las Vegas strip.


End file.
